tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56675852812004306002024-03-13T05:59:47.191-07:00The DonnaBlogThe ongoing ordinary yet extraordinary, mundane yet amazing, larger than life adventures, fascinating thoughts, and occasional rants from a life being lived to its fullest.Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.comBlogger604125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-87099014154845199872022-01-27T05:33:00.002-08:002022-01-27T05:33:36.255-08:00Full Circle<p>My blog and I go way back. Way, way, way back. I just peeked back at my first post in my earliest blog. It was June 2004.</p><p>Back in those days blogs weren't really a "thing". I had a website and I wanted to establish a mechanism for people to realize I was active but really didn't have any interest in doing regular content updates. So I created the blog.</p><p>In those early days it was just another html file, hanging off my website. Blog software like Wordpress or other platforms really didn't exist yet, but I knew enough about html to be able to add simple new text, embed photos, and generally say what I wanted to say and put it out there. I had no idea how far it reached or who would read it but that really wasn't the point. </p><p>Fast forward almost 20 years and there are all kinds of ways that people are sharing. Social media. Blogs. Video. Getting your message to the masses has become easier and cheaper than ever.</p><p>That said, I'm planning to get back to where I started. I've lost interest in most social media. I'm going to take a bit of a break. But I know me well enough to know I need an outlet to express my thoughts and feelings. So as of today, that outlet will be my blog. Again. :)</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-82511906737703974912020-04-14T06:59:00.002-07:002020-04-14T06:59:44.906-07:00Socially DistantWe're 6 weeks into all the "social distancing" that is meant to flatten the curve and blunt the spread of Coronavirus. Each of us is finding our own way to cope with the isolation that is needed to pull this off.<br />
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I don't find social distancing difficult. I've actually felt socially distant for years in some very real ways. I'd argue that being trans and having to hide a significant portion of ourselves builds some very effective distancing techniques which, learned as children and used through adulthood, become almost second nature. I actually find it harder to overcome those - even to this day - than the opposite. My world is a relatively small, self-enclosed one so being social can be more of a challenge than the inverse. <br />
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The hardest part for me in any of this is the physical barrrier between me and my mom. I'm not going to wallow in self-pity over the disruption in my every day life because I've actually got it pretty good. I've got a job. I've got a paycheck. I can pay my bills. I'm not drifting aimlessly like some of my friends who don't have those things and don't know when they'll get them are having to do. But it's the physical distancing that robs me of time with my almost 91-year-old mom that bothers me most. That's time we can't get back.<br />
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I think about life "after" this. I can see some dark times ahead as people begin to emerge from isolation with the spectre of a second wave, or of contaminating one another. This next phase will either be too fast or too slow depending on who you ask. I was talking with a friend yesterday who's measuring coming out based on when there's a vaccine available. In all honestly, I'm not willing to wait that long to re-engage with the world. <br />
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I've argued in the past that Gender is a purely social construct. It provides a set of roles and expectations for people based on their physical sex, and is the most visible and enduring outward expression of it. I've sometimes wondered if people who are trans in one culture would be trans in another, where gender is expressed in significantly different ways. Regardless, I find the lack of social interraction to be an interesting study in gender expression.<br />
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Typically speaking, I still enjoy doing my makeup in the morning. My entire ritual from getting in the shower to walking out the door can take upwards of an hour if I take my time, which I strive to do as it's MY time of the day. However, much of that isn't happening right now. I suppose I could do it just for the fun of it or to keep some consistency but for the moment my world is confined to my bedroom, my kitchen, my living room, and my office. I guess I'm at a place where I don't need to express my gender to myself. <br />
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I've been struck by some of what I'm seeing on Facebook. It reinforces to the nth degree the thanks I feel that it didn't exist during my transition. My transition was the single-most personal thing I've ever done. It was something I needed to do for me, and wasn't open fodder for judgement, input from people who didn't have skin in the game, or uninvited guidance. I didn't need external validation (or criticism) to tell me what to do. And I knew that, at the end of the day, the deeper lesson I needed to learn was to (a) to trust my gut and (b) to be able to filter out noise from others (both positive and negative).<br />
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If I were to psychoanalyze myself - that's part of the root of my social distance. It's a good thing and a bad thing - kind of like fire. I think it protects me but it also continues to keep me from allowing most people to get too close. If that's not the definition of Social Distance, I don't know what is.<br />
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The reason that this is so pertinent right now is that today is the anniversary of the day I called off my transition. It's a long story and this day, in 1998, played a key role in so many things. In my journal I wrote something that I still believe to this day: <i>"I think jumping in feet first into deep waters and trying to swim has shown me things I could not have
learned any other way. I'm just glad to get out of the pool before drowning."</i><br />
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Little did I know that I'd be headed back into the deep end again less than two months later. But that time, there would be no turning back.<br />
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<br />Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-74451513489345741242020-04-12T13:26:00.001-07:002020-04-12T13:41:48.672-07:00Test Audioblog<br />
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This is a test AudioBlog:<br />
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<iframe allow="autoplay" frameborder="no" height="300" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/797008441&color=%23ff5500&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&show_teaser=true&visual=true" width="100%"></iframe>
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<br />Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-32502916282758785582019-06-05T10:53:00.000-07:002019-06-06T09:21:21.695-07:00Perfect Scores Masking Critical Inadequacies and Failures in Trans WellnessI had a routine follow-up visit with my surgeon earlier this week to assess healing from my procedure 3 weeks ago. The good news is that the discomfort is mostly gone, although there still a teeny bit of bleeding. We were all very happy with progress.<br />
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The visit led to a broader discussion that I was much less happy about. The main thrust of the conversation is that many companies and insurance policies don't provide adequate support for trans employees, don't seem to want to understand the shortcomings, and at the end of the day may be doing more harm than good.<br />
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Let's start the discussion with recognition that transpeople often have special needs and issues when it comes to overall wellness. That's a broad statement, and I could spend an hour expanding on it. However, for the purposes of this discussion recognition of that singular reality is key. It has been getting more and more visibility in recent years (<a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19985382/transgender-health-issues/" target="_blank">Here's an example</a>) but for those of us living these realities none of this is new news. The problem for a generation of us, and still for many (if not most) transpeople today, involves paying to address these needs.<br />
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Thankfully, the medical community is aware and actually provides some good guidance for companies looking for it (<a href="https://www.ama-assn.org/system/files/2019-03/transgender-coverage-issue-brief.pdf" target="_blank">here's an example from the AMA</a>). But that doesn't mean things are better for the bulk of us. If you read the statistics in this 2019 paper it tells a very dangerous but real story. These are our issues, and those thinking that our insurance coverage will help us to address some of them can be in for a very frustrating, angry awakening.<br />
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In order to put this into context I need to bring us back 15 years or so ago. A few of us were beginning to do the initial legwork needed to build the business case for insurance coverage for trans wellness. Most people from my generation had to pay cash for everything - nothing was covered by insurance - which made most of these procedures outside the realm of possibility for many who wanted/needed them. As a result, there was a small group of specialists whose main focus was to support our community. If you went to any HBIGDA conference (now WPATH) the numbers of medical specialists and clinicians was in the low hundreds, and it felt very much like a community.<br />
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In those early days people like Mary Ann Horton, Andre Wilson, Dr. Jamison Green, myself, and a few others began to demonstrate that the cost to companies for removing exclusions preventing trans employees from accessing needed healthcare was far less expensive than thought by collecting data and presenting it. A key source for that data was the City of San Francisco, which was the first large agency go provide insurance benefits for trans employees in 2001. <a href="https://www.hrc.org/resources/san-francisco-transgender-benefit-estimating-cost-and-utilization-for-the-w" target="_blank">Details here.</a><br />
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As the actual costs became easier to identify, one of the next problems to overcome was within the insurance industry itself and the lack of diagnostic codes to explain the various procedures that are broadly contained under the "Gender Confirmation Surgery" umbrella. At the time there were two diagnostic codes: one for MTF procedures and the other for FTM procedures.<br />
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The biggest problem becomes apparent very quickly when you consider that a transwoman might have a vaginoplasty and it could be covered. However, when she went back to the second step - the labiaplasty - it was denied because she was told that she already had that procedure. The problem is even worse for FTM patients where top and bottom surgeries are often a progression of procedures that gradually lead to a desired end result.<br />
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Thankfully, a few key medical practitioners were supportive of this move for better codification of the actual procedures involved and helped to develop a more accurate set of diagnostic codes. That was key before broader insurance coverage could have the real value it needed to have.<br />
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The third piece of this was the HRC Corporate Equality Index. Jamison and I were on the Business Council and were approached about adding Trans Wellness criteria for the first time. Up to that point trans elements of the CEI focused on adding "Gender Identity and Gender Expression" to a company's EEO policy, having a defined transition policy, and training that included trans topics. Trans wellness was a whole new ballgame and there was concern that adding too much too quickly would make it impossible for employers to make the changes needed to maintain their perfect scores.<br />
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There was concern that if we did this wrong scores would go down and the message would be "Corporate Support for LGBT Employees is Declining" when in reality it was simply a cause and effect of raising the bar significantly. To HRC's credit, we worked long and hard on getting it right (Samir Luther is one of the unsung superstars of this work.)<br />
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When we first rolled it out we did it gradually. Companies only had to have 3 of 5 criteria to receive a perfect score. We took some flack for that because some in the trans community wanted them all. But the more pragmatic approach was to help companies understand what was being included and why, and helping them to get there. In the end, that's what happened.<br />
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The key to all of this was to have at least one plan where exclusions that had been barriers for transpeople to access benefits were removed. Many felt that would open the door for transpeople to get the services they need. In fact, in many cases the opposite has happened.<br />
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That's the background. Let me provide some real-life, current-day examples of significant issues.<br />
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Let's consider the situation where a transman went for upper surgery, and the "mastectomy" was covered. However, the re positioning of the nipples was not. Fail.<br />
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In the old days some companies removed barriers but put a cap on the amount of money an employee could spend. Often times these caps were unrealistic. Thankfully, many companies ended up removing these caps but apparently they're coming back now. As a result, transmen working for a company with these caps can receive top surgery but adding bottom surgery would put them way over the cap. As a result, it would need to be out of pocket. In once recent situation a patient needed to make a decision about having a significant procedure, or having an anesthesiologist. Having both put the cost above the cap. Fail. <br />
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Even when a company covers the procedure, the policy often dictates how many days in the hospital they will cover. We discussed a company that limits the nights in the hospital after SRS to 1. Doctors traditionally recommend 7 or more. Taking an SRS patient out of the hospital the day after surgery opens the door to all kinds of dangerous, potentially live-threatening complications and demonstrate complete misunderstanding of what is involved in these procedures. It's like telling someone who has a heart transplant that the insurance will cover 1 night in the hospital. Fail.<br />
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Many insurance policies exclude procedures they identify as "modifications or revisions". It could easily be argued that many procedures required to achieve the necessary end result is often not one procedure, but are a series of procedures that are staged and necessarily need to happen one after another. However, as doctors seek pre-auth approval for these procedures they get denied because the insurance company won't accept the fact that they are stages of completion. They qualify them as "revisions" and as a result deny them. Fail.<br />
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One of the things that has happened is that with all the insurance coverage more and more doctors have gotten in the business of doing trans-related procedures. Frankly, many of these people are not qualified to be doing this work. Regardless, when it comes to seeking an in-network provider vs an out-of-network provider the limitations become real barriers in and of themselves. Unless you've got someone who's really qualified in network, you can have a hundred people who aren't and you're worse off by choosing one of them. Cheaper is NOT better in this very specialized field, so choosing the right surgeon is absolutely critical to a healthy and satisfactory outcome. Fail.<br />
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And then, when you do end up with one of those doctors you often find that the end result is unsatisfactory, or filled with health-related complications. Fistulas. Ongoing bleeding. Infections. Urinary tract issues. Functional issues. One doctor reported that upwards of 45% of his patients required follow-up procedures. And do you think that a patient would go back to that doctor to fix what they didn't do right the first time? Usually not. Lack of recognition of this is a health risk and a danger to transpeople who can't get past the "modification or revision" exclusion. Fail.<br />
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What about those of us who transitioned years ago and didn't have procedures because either we didn't need them at the time or couldn't afford them. We need them now, but find ourselves facing denials on a variety of fronts. I won't go into some of the issues I just dealt with other than to say that once you experience some of this personally it all gets very real. It got real for me.<br />
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My insurance policy said I needed two letters from therapists to have any surgery "down there". Are you kidding? Therapists? This requirement is loosely based on the WPATH Standards of Care (SOC) requirement that the doctor obtain two letters before doing SRS. However, companies are reading some of the basic elements from the SOC, mis-interpreting them, and then applying them to their coverage requirements. There needs to be more recognition of the unique nature of the situation, not a one-size fits all "rule". Fail.<br />
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What I've just outlined is just the tip of the iceberg. It doesn't get the visibility it needs because there's no central forum to put or share our individual experiences. As a result, the prevailing sense that companies are supporting trans people by covering trans wellness procedures to the point needed to achieve a 100 score on the CEI is all anyone has to go by. The real-life, dangerous, health issues under that facade don't get the awareness that they need in order to change them.<br />
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I just experienced this first hand. The procedures I needed were denied on the Friday before they were scheduled to happen the following Tuesday. It was due to an emergency peer-to-peer discussion between the surgeon and a doctor for the insurance company that ONLY A PORTION of what we needed to do was approved. Despite what this surgery was going to do the insurance coverage would only cover it as an "outpatient" procedure so I had to check out of the hospital within 24 hours. The fact that it happened at all was testament to heroic intervention that I don't think all of us have.<br />
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This is the beginning of this conversation. I plan to make it my mission to get more data, to get more real-life stories, and to bring what we NEED to bear on what we're getting. I don't care about political climate, what's happening in our government, or anything outside the context of bringing more visibility and information to these issues the same as we did when we originally started. Without shedding light on it, it won't just change by itself. And I daresay that more brothers and sisters will die either from lack of care, bad care, or refusal to seek care.<br />
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We can't allow that to keep happening....Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-5139953566984117772019-06-02T21:16:00.001-07:002019-06-02T21:16:44.269-07:00RoutineDear Blog,<br />
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It sounds odd to say that I've got a routine when things always seem to be in flux in my world. But I do have a routine. It may not BE routine, and it may not be necessarily consistent, but it's my routine.<br />
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In that routine, Sunday is my favorite day. During football season that reason is an obvious one, but for the rest of the year it typically involves hiking, spending quality time with the pups, cleaning a bit (I need help on that front), running errands. It typically involves a shower (after the hike) and a nap (after the shower). <br />
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It's interesting to me to see how our lives feel anchored around these kinds of routines. My mom, for instance, has one of the most rigid routines that I know. At 3-months shy of 90 years old, she's very busy and active and I think that her routine is part of the reason she's doing so well. For example, even though I was in Dallas on Friday she attended her Tues/Fri senior dance. She said they had 165 people there and it provides an opportunity for her to exercise, socialize, and just plain get out.<br />
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My life doesn't lend itself well to that kind of structure. It hasn't for a long time now. There was a time when I tried to force my life into routine because for many routine=comfort. I learned that I'm not built that way. For me, extended routine=bored=need change. I think it's important to explain that, especially given the fact that I just interviewed for a job on a whole other continent that would upend my life significantly.<br />
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That said, the one thing that does remain a driving force for me is Balance. Balance to me may not be balance to anyone else, but through all these comings and goings and all the years it's really importance to realize the constant sense of Balance I feel remains a driving force.<br />
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Someone on FB today posted about this being their first PRIDE, and the first time they'd been out as their true selves. She talked about continuing feelings of shame, and of her difficulty at being identified as a transwoman despite the fact that these were the most inclusive and supportive surroundings she could imagine. <br />
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I remember those days. Actually....I don't. I remember my first PRIDE, my introduction to an LGBT world that until that point was totally foreign to me. I remember the early shame. But the thing I remember most was getting to a point where I just didn't care. I was living my life on my own terms and couldn't afford to let the judgement of others dictate how that would play out. That focused mindset is as true now as it was then.<br />
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I've been doing some interviews lately. A couple of months ago there was a Bloomberg Business Week article that I was in. I did another for Phoenix Business Journal article that will be coming out in a couple of weeks. It feels a little odd to be doing these again because all the stuff they ask is like ancient history to me at this point. Still, I think one of the things I represent (or at least I like to think I do) is that Life As Trans doesn't have to suck. It sure does for many of us, and so many things still need to change, but it all gets back to the Balance thing. <br />
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Most days I don't even think about it. But the fact is that I never want to forget it. It's part of who I am. It's part of what makes me me. I've never wanted it to define me, to be all of me. But I don't want it to be none of me, either.<br />
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As I get older, though, I'm reminded of it more and more. Aging as Trans is a thing. I never even stopped to consider it when I was just starting, but now that I'm here I've never been more aware that we've got unique needs, unique considerations, unique anatomies. I suspect that I'll have a lot more to say on that subject as time goes on. But for now, it's just an awareness and I'm focused on sharing that in the circles where I travel.<br />
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I've got a follow-up appointment with Dr. Meltzer tomorrow. My surgery with him was nearly 3 weeks ago, and I'll be honest in admitting that today was the first really pain-free day I've experienced. For all intents and purposes I had a labiaplasty but I suspect I'll get into that more in a future installment. Part of the challenge was finding some skin to provide the tissue, so I've got a long incision along my belly to recover from as well. But there are some big stitches deep in some of the folds that have been hurting with all the sitting I've been doing. I think the difference has been that, today, I haven't been doing much sitting. <br />
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As I type this I've got three tired dogs sleeping by my feet. They are my family. They make me laugh. I talk with them. Doing things with them fills my days. The fact that two of them are a dozen years old and very much showing the signs of their age fill me with dread and the terror that comes with imagining life without a life companion brings. I've already decided that when they pass, and when I pass, that our ashes should be mixed together. These are the quiet days that come with the kind of routine I mentioned at the outset. If this could be the routine for the rest of my life, I'd die a happy person.<br />
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Onwards,<br />
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DonnaDonnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-73071933107279068832019-05-30T07:39:00.001-07:002019-05-30T07:39:20.542-07:00Talent Pleases ItselfDear Blog:<br />
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Hello dear friend. I apologize for my failed attempts to stay in touch over these past several years. I can't really put my finger on a single cause or reason so suffice to say that I'm really, really, really going to try to do better. As I logged in to create this entry I was unsure if you'd even remember me, but here we are.<br />
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Lots happens. I realize that's a mouthful but it's nothing new for me but perhaps that's one of the reasons we've drifted apart. It's not an excuse so much as a simple fact. However, I'm feeling like we're about to get closer again. The tides of life come in and go out on a regular basis, and I'm sensing that the tide is rising. Again.<br />
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I also realize that we've got lots of catching up to do. As I type this I'm in an airplane over northern Ontario, a little more than halfway between London and Dallas (the screen says we're 1,444 miles out and 34,000 feet in the air). I've been fairly vague about the reasoning for this quick trip, but truth be told it was for an interview. I've applied for a role at AA that would be based out of London and have progressed to the bonus round.<br />
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I typically enjoy job interviews. I realize that may be uncommon but I've done more of them in my life than I care to remember and I just generally like them. At AA it's a very formal process, which is fine, and I find that we're both actually interviewing each other. They just get to ask more questions than I do. But still - that was the reason for the trip. Shhhh - it's not public knowledge yet.<br />
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Lots would need to happen in order for me to get this role. Some of which I control (like applying for it, and yesterday's interview) but much of what I don't. I'll expand more on that if we get to that point but I'm told that decisions will be made after the interviews are wrapped up next week. All I know is that I feel good about how things went. The rest will play itself out as it will.<br />
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I've worked for American Airlines since the beginning of 2016. I actually moved back to Phoenix to take a contract there and found it very much to my liking. After being there 6 months they asked if I'd be interested in coming onboard as an FTE (Full-Time Employee) and I accepted. I've worked in the same group, in a variety of capacities, since starting there and am feeling a bit restless. I suspect I'll have more to say on that sometime soon, as well.<br />
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As I prepared for my interview yesterday I couldn't help but think back to my first job interview as Donna. It was early 2000 and I had been approached by Dell to come to Austin to interview. I remember calling some friends for advice on interviewing - I have never done it as a woman before. Their advice focused on high heels, short black dresses, and the like. That wasn't really the kind of advice I was looking for, but figured that all those things couldn't hurt. I got the job, so I guess they were right.<br />
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I've gone to interviews that last an entire day. Different people from different groups come to grill you about your experience, your background, your approach to different situations - it can be grueling. Yesterday's experience wasn't nearly that expansive although I thought we covered quite a bit of ground. <br />
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While in London I had to fulfill other obligations as well. Jamison Green and I had been asked to present a condensed version of our Presentation for the 2018 Out & Equal Workplace Summit so we did that. I had a 90 minute O&E Board meeting to attend, as well. And, of course, there was keeping my ahead above water on my day job. Given the 8 hour time difference, the brevity of the trip, and everything that needed to happen I'm comfortable that it all went well. <br />
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My podcast partner, Diana, says there's a showbiz saying that, "Talent pleases itself." That is, if you're doing something and you're satisfied with the way it goes then you can't really control anything outside of that. Over these past few days, I pleased myself.<br />
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I won't go into much more at the moment other than to say I expect to be more present, more often, in the coming weeks and months. I don't plan to share much of what I put here outside of this forum. If anyone still reads it - that's fine. If not, that's fine too. When I started the Blog a long time ago I never expected anyone to check it and was shocked to learn otherwise. That same mindset still applies. The goal was, and is - that Talent Please Itself.<br />
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It's nice to be back.<br />
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DonnaDonnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-60983055965694826642018-03-24T08:02:00.002-07:002018-03-24T08:02:26.322-07:00The Speed of LifeLast night the Commander and Chief of this country reiterated that transgender people will not be allowed to serve in the military.<br />
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This proclamation, which should have been a surprise to nobody, caused a wave of anger, frustration, indignation, and fiery backlash throughout my Facebook world. Although disappointed, I don't feel that same level of emotion. It's another skirmish in the culture war we've been fighting, and is yet another reminder why we fight it.<br />
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To be clear, I'm not complacent nor unaffected by all of this. On the contrary. It's just that when I'm focused one of the things I'm typically good at is blotting out emotional "noise" that tends to cloud that focus. I know that about myself. Otherwise I end up swinging at the wind and losing track of things I can actually affect. This is one of those things.<br />
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I had a friend who was trans, and who served in the military. She ended up attempting suicide because of the way she was treated. She was successful on the second attempt, after the first attempt left her broken and hopeless. The story of many of our trans brothers and sisters isn't simply one of honor on the battlefield. It's of the battles that happen behind the lines - with their own military and their own government. The end up as part of the body count, not from enemy fire but from "friendly" fire. They become collateral damage. Those stories rarely get told because there's nobody around to tell them.<br />
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I've got a lot happening in the next couple of weeks. I joined the Board of Out and Equal late last year and we've got an event in San Francisco on Thu-Fri this week, preceded by an all day Board Meeting on Wednesday. It's a very exciting time for the organization as the founding Executive Director recently retired so there a new captain at the helm. They sent me my itinerary and my script for the brief speaking portion of this I'll be doing. I'm sure I'll have more to say on this as it unfolds.<br />
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I fly back to Phoenix for a day - for Easter - before heading to Dallas for the balance of the week. I've got offices in both Phoenix and Dallas and have made the commitment to spend the first full week of every month there. Most of the engineers who work in my organization and our main body of management is there so I typically have meetings and other face-to-face things I can't do when I'm in Phoenix. <br />
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From Dallas I fly to Miami for an American Airlines National Equality Board meeting on Friday. Then I fly home to participate in the Phoenix PRIDE Parade. I'm the President of the American Airlines PRIDE EBRG here in PHX so I've been coordinating that for weeks. The parade is typically our largest event so it's quite the logistical feat to pull it all together.<br />
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And lastly, I have applied for a couple of new roles at American Airlines. I've got an interview for one of them while I'm in Dallas. I don't have much more to share on that at the moment other than I've made my peace with a number of things. Peace is a good thing.<br />
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I do a weekly podcast called "The Deeper End". It's a lot of fun to do. This past week we tried something new - we had a group of 4 women as guests to discuss something at my podcast partner Diana felt would be a fertile topic. It was. The best part of it was getting to meet some new friends. Anyway, we'll publish that in a couple of weeks once the editing is done.<br />
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Today I've got a meeting at Arizona State University to learn a bit about what's involved in pursuing an MBA. Monday I've got a Board Meeting for One n Ten. I need to finish my taxes. The list of "stuff" going on is a long one. But for anyone who knows me, it's just the speed of life for me. I guess I'm used to it. :)<br />
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<br />Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-80497386687226381122018-03-12T18:08:00.003-07:002018-03-12T18:08:58.729-07:00One More Day<br />
There was a time when I wrote a lot. I mean, a LOT. So much was happening in my life and I felt a need to express it in writing...every day. <br />
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The value of my writing to anyone but me can be debated, but I'm comfortable that, as a collection, it still stands on its merit given the time it was written and my overall maturity. That element - maturity - is a function of time and experience and I've see my fair share of both. If nothing else, my writing is a valuable time capsule to myself.<br />
<br />
I figure that even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while so the more I wrote the more likely I was to express something that others were feeling, too. That's not to say I'm right and anyone else is wrong. It's actually the opposite. It's recognition that our individual narratives do not necessarily align into some greater, universal, or even "common" story. Each needs to be told and processed because if life has taught us anything it's that none of us truly is "the only one". <br />
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It is indeed unfortunate that we sometimes create what I call a <i>pack mentality</i>. That is, when anyone dares to speak out and says something that someone else disagrees with they become a target for attack. Lord knows, I've been there. But back to that maturity thing...I've long since passed a point of caring if anyone else agrees or not. It doesn't invalidate what I think or what I write. <br />
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All that is a long Introduction to the fact that I'm writing again. I see things happening and <i>feel</i> things, and I feel compelled to write. I'm closer to the end of my life's journey than the beginning and I feel that, alone, provides a unique perspective worthwhile of being added to the greater collective of our life experiences. That faint candle has survived all these years and finally has something to share. Again. Or Still.<br />
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I read something last month and wanted to comment. The following essay is the result:<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: #1f497d; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">I Didn’t Transition to Simply Survive, I Did It to Be Happy<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">Donna Rose<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">Jan 13, 2018<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">“Faith is
taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.” - Martin
Luther King, Jr.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">One of the things I’ve always appreciated about the broad spectrum of
communities that comprise what many commonly refer to as the “Transgender
Community” is a general acknowledgement that our varied narratives are as broad
as our realities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those differences
don’t invalidate them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If anything, they
serve as testament to those who follow that there are innumerable paths to the
same destination…to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">becoming</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">I recently read an article titled “I Didn’t Transition to Be Happy, I
Did It to Survive”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I transitioned from
male to female nearly 20 years ago and as I read the article I found that the
author and I share many of the unique elements that are often common to this
journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was much there that
resonated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However the core concept –
that transition was about survival rather than happiness – did not, and it never did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, my own narrative is exactly the
opposite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I truly, truly transitioned to
find two things – happiness, and peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today,
two decades later, I’m happy to say that I’ve had them both for a long time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">The specter of suicide across the Trans community is beyond
alarming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A 2015 study by the American
Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the Williams Institute reported that 41%
of the almost 28,000 self-identified Trans respondents had attempted suicide at
some point in their lives (compared with 4.6% of the general population).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about that….that’s not the percent who
considered it; it’s the percent that actually attempted it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those numbers are terrifying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d;">I am not part of that 41%.</span><span style="color: #1f497d;"> </span><span style="color: #1f497d;">I feel
no shame acknowledging that this journey was never one of life or death for me,
at least not in the traditional sense. I've never had my own gun in my mouth, or been in a car filling with its own exhaust and made a last minute desperate decision to live. My heart truly hurts for those who have been there. But one thing I know about myself is that once I allow myself to get there I've given myself permission to consider that as a reasonable option in other contexts. That's a whole other conversation, but it's simply the long way of saying I've never been there.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">When I found myself struggling I found focus by putting things in perspective. I’ve
seen people with far bigger problems than mine – people dealing with unimaginable
physical and situational issues in their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When compared to their challenges, mine seemed trivial to me to the point where I almost felt embarrassed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they could find ways to deal with their
challenges then I could find ways to deal with mine, at least for one more day. That concept - One More Day - made all the difference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> So, a</span>lthough there was lots of complex “stuff”
going on in my head at the time, this was really simple for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">The thing that provided the driving force during the difficult times was
my pillar belief that Maslow’s concept of self-actualization requires inner peace.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each of us has only one life to live and
we don’t have to spend it being scared and miserable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Peace, though, doesn’t always come
easily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has a price, and I was about
to pay it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">I’m what some commonly refer to as a “mid-life transitioner”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At almost 40 years old I was approaching the 20<sup>th</sup>
year of happy marriage to a woman I very much loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was the father of our teenage son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a successful career and we had many of
the trappings that pass for success in our culture – homes, cars, money, and “stuff”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I easily lived the charade of being male and
could probably have lived the rest of my life that way – unfulfilled – just as
generations before me had done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">My options at that stage of my life were gradually become clear to
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could begin taking baby steps to
live fully, authentically, without regret.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the choice to knowingly
live a lie, or to shed the suffocating burden of that dishonesty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the choice to accept things as they
were, or to take action to affirm that there’s more to life than simply
existing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In all those contexts – the
choice was clear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next biggest
question was “How?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">As time passed I gradually built the inner courage it took to confront
myself rather than run from myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
chose to acknowledge that I had the power to change my fate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That change necessarily started with one monumental
thing: Coming out….first to myself, then to others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For many of us, THAT’S the choice, because
once you do that other things will happen….things you can’t even envision or
guess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">The year was 1997 – a long time ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At that time there were two therapists specializing in transgender
clientele in the Phoenix area and I started to see one of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went every two weeks for almost two years,
during my lunch hour at work, without any outward expression of who I am or who
I knew myself to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our sessions
consisted of me talking for almost the entire time – I had a whole lifetime
pent up inside me that needed to come out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That seemingly simple act of articulating my fears, hopes, confusions,
frustrations, needs, and dreams helped me get to know myself better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were a Godsend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">At that point I couldn’t even imagine transition or living as me, much
less begin to plan for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing could
prepare me for what was to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
joyous, terrifying, exciting, confusing and awkward – all at the same
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found comfort knowing that it
was like a car alarm had been going off in my head for my entire life and I was
finally making a conscious effort to silence it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The farther I progressed, the more I realized
that I was on the right track, that I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">could
</i>actually silence it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">By the time I was ready to share my hidden self with others my need for
authenticity was greater than my sense of terror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I did it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I came out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To my wife, my son,
my family, my work, my friends; it was harder than I ever imagined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
acutely aware that once I came out I couldn’t un-come out, so regardless of
what happened next my life from that point on was profoundly changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had absolute faith that life after could be
better than life before.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">Reactions were immediate and intense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My marriage collapsed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My son
didn’t want to see me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was rejected at
work to the point I moved away to start a new life as generations before me attempted
to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was truly, truly alone for the
first time in my life, a story that many of us know all too well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But after the initial shock started to wear
off things began to even out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A new
normal settled into my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A new,
better me emerged from the debris of my old life and started to move on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That car alarm in my head had faded to
silence, and has been silent ever since. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">That was almost 20 years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Life since then has never been all Rainbows and Unicorns but I never
expected it would be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has settled
into a comfortable groove that’s far more satisfying and comfortable than my
old life ever was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a career I
enjoy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Relationships with my family, my
son, and my dearest friends are deeper and more fulfilling than I could have
imagined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My comfort moving through the
world as the real me is unconstrained and natural.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In short - my faith and patience have been
rewarded to a level I could never have imagined when facing those early
decisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am keenly aware of my many
blessings, and that it all started with Faith.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">The concept that “I have always been a woman” has never resonated with
me either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve certainly always been
aware of the prominent female presence in my psyche.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My earliest coping mechanisms involved
envisioning that there were two distinct people inhabiting this body, fighting
for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One was unquestionably male and
the other was unquestionably female.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
only question was whether or not I could give the female part of me permission
to exist outside the deep, dark dungeons of my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over time, the harder I tried to prevent it
the harder she pushed back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually I
became dark and angry over the gradual realization that it would never go
away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pathway to peace for me wasn’t
to consider killing myself – it was to find a way to come to peace within myself,
which I’ve done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over time I have come
to embrace the unique opportunity to incorporate both my selves into a
harmonious whole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">So am I happy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am truly, deeply, profoundly, authentically
happy being this unique, generally well-balanced, sometimes self-actualized person
I have come to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps recognition
of that happiness has become keener over the years as the difficulties from
those tumultuous times have faded in the rear view mirror of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Regardless – the goal has been clear to me
all along. Happiness was the goal, and goal acieved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;">The goal for me has never been merely to survive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, by that measure, I’m finally truly
living..... One day at a time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-15142679818515102982018-03-11T21:36:00.000-07:002018-03-11T21:36:09.886-07:00Time PassesI visited my blog today. Like an old friend, it has patiently waited for me. I almost felt a little guilty acknowledging that it has been 14 months since my last post. Regardless, I feel a need to be back here.<br />
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When I first started the blog, a dozen years ago, I never expected anyone would find it much less follow it. It has always been something I turn to when I need to say something....whether it's to myself or to others. The fact that anyone knows or cares it's here but me is secondary to the fact that it IS here. It's like my pups - it doesn't judge when I've been away for a while. It's always just happy that I'm back.<br />
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We are 2 1/2 months into 2018. So far this year I've had a root canal, I've been to Urgent Care and spent an afternoon at the Emergency Room, and I turned 59. That last thing is the most crazy of them all....that I could possibly be nearing the end of my 5th decade of life. None of these are complaints because Lord knows things could be far worse. At this point of his life my dad was already pretty much done. His diabetes was killing him slowly, and he ended up succumbing at 64 years young. That's always in the back of my mind.<br />
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I like to think I've got lots of time ahead. Whether or not I do or don't isn't what's important. I live with a sense of urgency knowing that there's lots of stuff I want to fit into whatever time I can do it in. There's always more "stuff" than time. <br />
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I'm happy to say I'm continuing to get to understand myself. I get little pieces of information here and there and fill blank pieces of the puzzle...that help me make sense of some things I've known about myself but have never been able to understand. Again, whether or not these things are THE answer is secondary. They help to bridge gaps and add to my thinking in ways I've never done before. That's what's important.<br />
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It's be easy for me to say that I suspect that there is Change in the future because that applies pretty much all the time. But I think I'll be talking about it quite a bit as things unfold. I've started some things in motion that should prove interesting over these next couple of months. More to come on that. <br />
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This short missive is simply meant to acknowledge that I've been gone for a while, and I'm still here.<br />
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One thing I will share is that a we published a new episode of our Podcast today. There shows are truly a labor of love and I'm thrilled that they remain relevant. I'll invite anyone who's got an hour to spend to drop by....in a way it's an extension of this blog.<br />
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<a href="http://www.thedeeperend.com/?p=246" target="_blank">Episode 64 – Hanging Up On A Dial-Tone Life. Guest: Judith Rosen</a><br />
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That said, I'll leave this short and pick up again next time. Time passes, but we're still here.Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-90422380018405356552017-01-22T06:25:00.001-08:002017-01-22T06:25:27.810-08:00How I FeelA highlight of yesterday here in PHX and around the world was the Woman's March. It was organized in response to our President's crude and mysogonistic statements prior to the election, and a demonstration that the power of the people to express themselves matters. It exceeded expectations everywhere, with hundreds of thousands of marchers in major cities around the country and the world, and significant marches in smaller areas. It's already estimated to be the largest single day of marches in our history.<br />
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I find the fact that these were universally peaceful events to be testament to the power to protest in this country. Recently, when we think about protests, we think about large police presence, looting, violence, and an overall aura of danger. From everything I've seen these events had an aura of unity, of hope, and community. The seemed to be celebrations and most of the photos I've seen involved smiles, as well as some wickedly funny signs.<br />
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I said in our most recent podcast - yet to be published - that I think the election of Mr. Trump will prove to be a positive thing when analyzed in the context of time. If anything, it was a wake-up call and a call-to-action, and yesterday that call was hear (and demonstrated) loud and clear. This most recent election was the most divisive event in my memory, and events like today are a stark reminder that we haven't forgotten how do "do" unity.<br />
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It wasn't about a candidate. It wasn't about a political agenda. It wasn't about I'm-right-so-you're-wrong. It was about solidarity in declaring the dignity of personhood. I'd go so far as to say it was a necessary healing event, and it reminded everyone in the power of the people. That power has been dormant for a long time. Sure, we have the power of our vote at the ballot box, but this kind of power is a more active and visible one. That's one of the things that makes it so important.<br />
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To be honest, though - I'm not sure that I noticed a consistent message. Some were there to express support for womanhood in general. Others were there for LGBT causes, and Black Lives Matter. Many were seemingly there in hopes they could affect the election, but that ship has sailed baby and it ain't coming back. The question of "Is this a movement or a moment in time?" still lingers because if it's a Movement I'm still looking for the theme and the goal. Getting our President to voluntarily leave, or even change, isn't gonna happen. Show of solidarity? Excellent. Sense of community? Off the charts. <br />
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More importantly, do I sense that it will have any affect at all to substantively affect anything that happens politically afterwards? Serious doubts.... Does that mean I don't feel it was a waste of time or purely symbolic? Of course not. But if people think that the good feeling that they shared yesterday will turn itself into change I fear they're going to be disappointed. In other words, although I'd love to be proven wrong, my expectations are low.<br />
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All that said - I did not attend the march here in PHX. I was there in spirit, but I was not one of the tens of thousands who marched here in Phoenix. I spent the balance of the day with wonderful Maria, and taking care of some things in preparation for a very busy next several weeks. <br />
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I think I've only been in two "marches" over the course of my life. One was the Trans March prior to the San Francisco Pride Parade in 2008. The other was an effort form a human chain across the bridge between Mt. Pleasant and Charleston SC a couple of years ago after the shootings in the church there. Both were very impressive, empowering events. I'm sure those who participated yesterday came away with a renewed sent of people-power, and I hope it lasts.<br />
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BUT<br />
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For as many people who showed up to march yesterday, it's important to note that the essence of what they were marching for was not universally felt. One Friend on FB shared a different perspective:<br />
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<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">To all the Women Million Marchers - don't include me in your number. I do not need nor want anyone to march for me based on my gender. You say, "but what will we tell our daughters?" How about sometimes people don't get their own way. Take it on the chin and keep on going, like women always have. Pick yourself up and march figuratively, not literally, back to your jobs or school. You wanted change - we got change. You want gender fluidity - then don't vote for someone based </span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">on gender. Trump said some really crude and obscene things. That doesn't mean you fight back with crude and obscene signs to protest. We all have hopes and dreams for our children and grandchildren. Give our new President an opportunity to get to work to perhaps change the things he can. You want your voices heard but you're just making noise. Like fingernails on a chalkboard noise.</span></i></blockquote>
This Friend is a real friend - someone I've known for almost a quarter century. I respect her, and most importantly I like her. Whether I agree with her or not (I don't) is unimportant, and it doesn't affect how I feel about her. I'm not going to argue with her, un-Friend her, or demean her perspective in any way. I'm sure I can find other similar feelings. My point is that what happened was powerful, but it certainly wasn't universal. <br />
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Talking about different perspectives and FB, I made a recent statement there that I wasn't planning to use that forum to talk about a number of things. As will explained in an upcoming Podcast episode, I perceive FB to server a purpose, but at the end of the day it's more toxic than beneficial.<br />
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One of the items I mentioned was the recent decision by President Obama to commute the sentence of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chelsea_Manning" target="_blank">Chelsea Manning</a>. I had a couple of people write to me to ask my opinion in private. I'll share what I wrote in response.<br />
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<i>You asked about my thoughts on Chelsea Manning....I think it was a mistake to commute her sentence, for a number of reasons. First, I believe one of the reasons she was pardoned was specifically because she's trans. I don't think it would have happened otherwise. If we're truly asking for equal rights, not "special" rights, then this violates that end. Second, what she did was treason. I've done top secret DoD work and I'm well aware of the oath that is taken to know what people in those roles come to know. To make a decision that secret information should be public information isn't up to her, and she put the lives of people she'll never know at risk. Third, I find it troublesome how so many in the Trans community are so quick to celebrate her and they have absolutely no clue as to what she's done. All they know is that she's trans and they're trans so they support her for that reason alone. It doesn't work like that. And lastly, I fear that the community will look to her as a leadership voice. The community is starved for one - Caitlyn Jenner did not turn out to be that person for many. But hers is a tainted legacy and if she's smart she'll lay low. But I doubt that will happen, and it will reflect negatively on many of us. Criminals, mentally ill, perverts, narcissists .... The parade continues. Not good. </i></blockquote>
So there. That's how I feel. I suppose time will tell.....<br />
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And lastly this morning, I feel like I might be coming down with a cold or something. I can't even remember the last time I was ill, as in sort throat/stuffy nose/no energy/fever ill. It's been years. But I have the beginnings of it and I'm rushing to try to quash it before it gets going. Between all the travel I've been doing, the hectic schedule, and the many people I know who are ALREADY sick it's a wonder I've been as healthy as I have. <br />
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I've got a guest arriving later in the week so I want to take care of it by then. In the meantime, I've got some work stuff, some cleaning, preparing, nesting....and FOOTBALL...to take care of today.<br />
<br />Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-83976240208888491872017-01-21T08:40:00.002-08:002017-01-21T18:10:49.756-08:00Just another DaySo, yesterday was Inauguration Day 2017. Here in this country, whether any of us likes it or not, our Commander in Chief is President Donald J Trump. As I say - whether we like it or not that's just the way it is.<br />
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I've given up worrying about what that can or will mean. As those who know me have come to realize, I'm not a worrier anyway. But social media seems intent on whipping itself into a frenzy about things and this particular situation is at the top of that list. Just go onto your Wall (or, that's what they used to call it) and write a strong statement either supporting/denouncing either Trump or Obama and see what happens. It's not healthy.<br />
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I had dinner with a friend last night who enjoys stirring the pot and posts stuff like that just to see what it causes. He's fairly unique in that he surrounds himself by people of diverse thought so no matter what he says someone will disagree. Most of my friends have made a post in the vein of "If you'e done so-and-so then unfriend me now!"<br />
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In my FB world, I've got a few rules. First and foremost - be respectful. If you're an a$$hole, I don't want you trolling around my world. Other than that, tho, I find it hard to espouse respect and diversity but then shut down those who feel differently than you do. I suppose it's one of the many flavors of hypocricy we all see in our day to day worlds.<br />
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For me - I can censor what I allow into my world but I can't censor the world itself. Whether or not I watched any of the inauguration events yesterday (I didn't) or not, it doesn't change the fact that it has happened. I've said before that one of my strengths is that I'm incredibly focused on things once I've set my sights on them, and that can be both a blessing and a curse.<br />
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One of the reasons it works for me is that I'm good at filtering out what I perceive to be "noise". Currently, there's lots and lots of noise. Many people wade into it full throttle, feeling that it's important to thrash at everything that makes them angry. These people are typically well intentioned, but they'll eventually drown in their own darkness or die trying.<br />
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Don't get me wrong. I'm not criticizing people's passion. I'm just saying my own approach is much more strategic. That's not by design, it's just the way I'm built. That's how I'm able to stay calm when others are whipped into a froth. I can certainly get frothy myself, but the triggers to get there are few and far between. If you find one, tho, watch out.<br />
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Betrayal is one. I get frothy over my perceptions on betrayal. A few of my closest friends have done it. HRC did it. And I've reacted very strongly. Thankfully it doesn't happen very often...either because I've become more guarded in who/what I'll allow to betray me or because I've simply grown wiser over the years. Regardless, the point is that I'll focus on things that I can focus on and I won't paint anyone or anything with a single brush. Again - hypocracy rules the day more often than not.<br />
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Today is a Saturday. I woke up in my own bed, made my coffee, took my dogs for a walk, published our most recent episode of our podcast (<a href="http://www.thedeeperend.com/?p=95" target="_blank">link here</a>), and I've got a pretty full day planned. Although in the big picture the world may have changed between last Saturday and this one I'm not out marching, I'm not yelling, I'm not even outraged. I take it for what it is, and I'll do what I have to do.<br />
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My work is fascinating. As I think I mentioned I manage all the engagements coming into our Enterprise Network Services group from anyone outside a data center. My engagements range from the mundane (opening a port so a postage machine can download postage) to the large (we're moving all our gates at the Athens airport) to the huge (we just started brand new service into Havana) and everything in between. I don't actually do any of the work...I just manage it and at the end of the day I'm the person who gets blamed for any number of perceived transgressions. I've got a large team of engineers around the world to do this work so I coordinate it...I'm the central point of contact.<br />
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I doubt that there are many jobs like mine. Anywhere. I mean, I realize that there are similar positions at networking or shared service groups in any large company but the thing that makes it really interesting to me is the airline angle. Working with airport authorities around the world, especially given that we fly almost everywhere, involves an additional layer of complexity that I seem to enjoy. One of the reasons I'm effective in this role is that same thing I said earlier - I'm very focused and I filter noise well. Things can get pretty hairy sometimes and engineers sometimes need a calming buffer to do what they do. I am that buffer.<br />
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This is my last "calm" weekend for a while. Next weekend I head to Dallas. The week after that I've got a good friend coming as my guest for several days. When she leaves another arrives. Then I've got to go back to Dallas for several days, and a side-trip to Austin. I'm also hoping to fit a brief visit home to Charleston into the mix as well. So - I'll enjoy this quiet while I can.<br />
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I was at dinner with a friend and a friend of hers earlier this week and mentioned the word "dilating". My friend's friend took offense at the word, saying that she felt it "objectified" us and was inappropriate to even mention. I have to admit to being taken aback by her sensitivity, especially given that I have no idea what she's talking about. I've grown very comfortable in my body and don't know why that word should provoke that response. I respect it - I just don't "get" it.<br />
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In a completely separate conversation, without any connection whatsoever, another trans woman at lunch today referred to the "D" word. I had no idea what the "D" word was so I had to ponder it for a moment. Then it hit me. As aI say - I'm not sure why it should be such a sensitive subject. Good thing I didn't bring up M and O - Masturbation and Orgasms. Things could have gotten REALLY uncomfortable. <br />
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Anyway, it brings up a couple of funny stories. One year I was coming to visit my son here in PHX and I had my dilators in my luggage. He must have been 16 or so at the time. He saw one of them and said, "That's a dildo!" I said (a) no, it's not a dildo and (b) how the heck do you what a dildo is anyways?! I know I didn't teach him that word. Our kids grow up so fast.<br />
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Another time I was traveling and had one in my carry on baggage. In the x-ray machine I think it probably looks like a large bullet so the TSA lady pulled me aside for some extra screening. She found it and took it out...I told her what it was - without any shame or discomfort at all - and that was that. Afterwards I reflected that if she stopped to consider where it had been she'd be extra glad she was wearing gloves.<br />
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Anyway - I digress. It's time to get this day going. Onwards!<br />
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<br />Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-84614840074204543862017-01-16T06:54:00.003-08:002017-01-16T06:54:23.988-08:00More than SymbolicI'm spending a rare weekend at home. I spent part of this weekend simply "nesting". Catching up. Getting things done around the house that I've wanted to do for a while but haven't had time to do.<br />
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For example, I finally opened some things I bought myself for Christmas. I've lived in this house I'm renting for a year now and I unpacked some things and re-arranged some things. And, of course, I watched some football. I love this time of year for that....as a fan of the sport I live for games like yesterday's Cowboys/Packers game, or last week's Clemson/Alabama game. Just amazing.<br />
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One thing I did - an it's not trivial - is to set up my drum kit.<br />
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Why is this not trivial? Because it's more than symbolic for me. For years I've lived in places where a drum kit would be a no-no. One year I was living in a town-house in Mesa and I set them up just because I could. I was tuning them...not playing them, but tuning them....for a half hour one Saturday afternoon when someone knocked on the door complaining about the "noise". Drums inherently involve "noise".<br />
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I'm living in a house where (a) I have the space and (b) I have the freedom to make some noise. So - after several years of NOT having them....I've set them up. My bedroom looks like a cross between a recording studio with a bed in it but I'm ok with that. Simply having them there means something. Now I need to re-learn how to play them again.....<br />
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Brynn Tannehill recently published a list on Bilerico titled "<b>The top 50 successful transgender Americans you should know</b>" (<a href="http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2017/01/top-50-successful-transgender-americans-know/" target="_blank">link here</a>). It made me smile. It reminds me of Lynn Conway's Transsexual Successes page (<a href="http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TSsuccesses.html" target="_blank">link here</a>) from my generation. That page, and what it represented, was a big big deal for many of us struggling to envision a life that was just.....a life. Not a transgender life. Not a life focused on "being" transgender, or on having to justify it. Just....a well-balanced, multi-faceted, well-lived <i>life</i>....with a career, relationships, interests, and everything else that comes with it. I tend to shrug off lists as many of them come from people who don't have a clue. But I applaud what Brynn has done with this.<br />
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<i>This list is not comprehensive, and there are literally hundreds more we did not list. The careers represented are deliberately eclectic, as are their genders, ages, races, and are intended to show the diversity of the community.</i></blockquote>
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<i>Transgender people can accomplish great and admirable things as out and proud individuals. They should be role models not only for queer youth, but for anyone.</i> </blockquote>
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Of course - it's like publishing a "hit list" for anyone looking to attack the community as a whole, but that's always the risk of being visible. But to Brynn's point - it demonstrates the diversity of our community. Finding that myself with the rudimentary tools available 15 or more years ago was a key component in my own journey.<br />
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Speaking about components of the journey, another thing from that time that helped were the annual documentaries that traditionally appeared around ratings week featuring transpeople. They were usually cliche, formulaic, things but that didn't stop me from watching. At the time, that's all we had. I've actually been in a few of them because I think they served a purpose at the time.<br />
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Nowadays we're everywhere. I avoid "Reality TV" and have said before the I won't watch shows like Caitlyn Jenner's or Jazz's. I just won't. Documentaries as we knew them are few and far between these days and I'm not so sure that's a good thing. Regardless, it's the way of our world.<br />
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The reason I mention any of this is that a documentary titled "Gender Revolution", produced by National Geographic, will be broadcast in early February. It supports the theme of their controversial current cover story featuring a spectrum of trans kids, and kids who demonstrate that gender isn't as simple as the binary. Rather than provide any more detail I'll simply provide a link to Andrea James' blog - she's involved so I'm confident it's well done (<a href="http://www.andreajames.com/2017/01/15/national-geographics-gender-revolution-breaks-down-what-gender-means-in-the-21st-century/" target="_blank">link here</a>).<br />
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Oh - and to provide a resource where List meets Documentary there's a recent HBO production titled "The Trans List" (<a href="http://www.npr.org/2016/12/05/504428457/11-transgender-americans-share-their-stories-in-hbos-the-trans-list" target="_blank">link here</a>). I have no comments on it because I haven't seen it. I'd be interested to hear from those who have - what'd you think?<br />
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This is a big week in our nation's history. Whether anyone likes it or not it's the last week for our current President and the swearing in of our next one. 8 years ago I was invited to attend the inauguration and I'll never forget it. This week - I'll be as far from it as I can get. I've considered leaving the country. I'll avoid TV and news at all costs. I suppose that sounds immature - like a young child closing their eyes and plugging their ears in hopes that they can escape something that's happening that they don't want to happen - but I don't care. I can't control anything that happens there - all I can control is how I react to it and how I allow it to affect me. I realize that there are people who may read this that are happy about what's happening and I respect that. I'm not.<br />
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One of the things I'm proudest about from this past year was starting a podcast (<a href="http://www.thedeeperend.com/" target="_blank">link here</a>). I bought the equipment needed over a decade ago but the stars never aligned that were needed to transform it from vision to reality. My college degree is in Radio/Television/Film and although that my career took a different direction I've always loved this stuff.<br />
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This year I met someone who could help to finally make it happen. Her name is Diana, and I met her thru our electrologist....the always wonderful Maria. She's a broadcaster, but more than that we "blend" well. Starting this podcast was a highlight of my year.<br />
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Anyway - the sun is up and it's time to take the pups for a walk. More than that, it's time to get on with the day.<br />
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<br />Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-17576952740434927192017-01-14T09:31:00.000-08:002017-01-14T09:31:00.355-08:00My New NormalI've been in Dallas all week. My mom half-joked that airplanes are like taxi's for people who work for the airlines and that's almost true. My commute is either 30 minutes between where I live and the data center where I work, or 2 hrs between Phoenix and Dallas where the balance of my team is located.<br />
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I realize I've complained about my commutes before but this is different. I've got no complaints. It's a balance and I actually enjoy both worlds. I Phoenix I get, well..."home". In Dallas I've got mom.<br />
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When I was hired last January I was a project manager for a large effort to replace out-of-date network gear at our two largest data centers...routers, switches, and such. It was a big effort...well over a million dollars....and very visible. The routers we were replacing affect every aspect our our business.<br />
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Part of the fun of this last year is learning about how airlines work, and all the behind-the-scenes stuff most people will never see or ever even consider. The thing that connects it all is the network. From our website, to ticketing, to the kiosks at every airport we service around the world, to the routing of the baggage, to the tools the gate agents use...it's all connected by the network. But there's so much more. <br />
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There's an app that has pictures of each pilot and a gate agent needs to verify the pilot's identify before they are allowed in the cockpit. All our maintenance records, manuals, fueling, scheduling, crew management, catering....I could go on and on. It's all connected by a network. And the devices we were replacing are the devices that connect it all. So, when we touch one it requires quite a bit of communication, planning, coordination. And guts. Managing these replacements is not for the timid.<br />
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That was my job for the first 10 months at AA. I had a team of engineers, a boatload of new equipment, and an aggressive schedule. My weeks were comprised of days full of planning, long long nights of actually doing these changes, and lots of other stuff stuck in between. I've never been part of anything like it before and at the outset the fact I'd be working late night hours in addition to the daytime requirements was a concern. But once I got into the rhythm it was just the way it was. It all clicked.<br />
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I managed these change calls where we'd have a dozen or more people involved. As the engineers were unplugging the devices and moving the configs to the new devices the Help Desk could chime in at any minute indicating that Athens was reporting printing problems, or Tokyo couldn't print boarding passes and was doing them by hand, or that some other issue somewhere in the world was affecting our service. It's really amazing to realize what even one of those cables among rows and rows of them can impact.<br />
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Once I got comfortable in it I could handle the change, manage the impacts, coordinate the various teams that would take part in the call, and then communicate the outcomes effectively. I like "different" - that's one of the things I enjoyed about consulting - and this was unlike anything I've ever done. In some ways, it was a perfect job for me. <br />
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American Airlines as it exists today is the result of many airlines getting combined over the years. Airlines from the past - Piedmont, Allegheny, US West, and dozens of others - are now part of AA. The reason that's important in my world is that 3 or 4 years ago American Airlines (based out of DFW) bought US Airways (based here in PHX) to form what we proudly claim as "The World's Largest Airline". As part of that merger several parts of US Airways based here stayed here - including the data center.<br />
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Most of the people here are here to support that in one way or another. But our management hub is in Dallas. That was another good thing....I was PM hired to work with an engineering team based in PHX but my management was in DFW. I didn't have anyone breathing down my throat, and I had the flexibility I needed to do what needed to be done. As I say - in some ways it was perfect for me.<br />
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I was 8 months into it when I was approached by an engineering manager about my interest in becoming a full-time employee for AA. I had expressed that interest to my own manager early in our relationship but he was non-committal, saying that it would be easier to do if I lived in Dallas. But I didn't live in Dallas and wasn't planning to move again. So, when I got the call to gauge my interest I was open to the conversation.<br />
<br />
The role I was approached to do was different than anything I had done before, too. The title is "Manager of Remote Network Engagements". What it means is that our IT networking is divided in two ways: (1) Data Centers - there are 4 of them and (2) anything NOT a data center. That includes every airport, maintenance facility, Admiral's Club, reservation center, and all sorts of other miscellaneous locations around the world. There are well over 400 of them.<br />
<br />
In this current role any time any of these groups needs anything done that involves a networking component they need to go through my group. The things we're asked to do range from bringing up service in a new airport we haven't served before (for example, Havana Cuba) to moving/adding gates in an airport to expanding an Admiral's Club to expanding capacity...the list of things we do is a long one. I am responsible for all of them - from the intake, to assigning an engineer, to managing the engagement. I'm responsible for maintaining our relationships with our biggest internal customers as well as external ones, I'm responsible for status reporting from a portfolio perspective. I'm part of the management team that includes a Sr. Manager, a Team Lead, and a Sr. Architect. And, perhaps most importantly, I thing I'm perfect for it.<br />
<br />
They "officially" hired me in late September and it took a few weeks to transition my old role and into my new one. This is the first job-job I've had since I left Dell in 2004, and I'm planning to spend the rest of my career here. <br />
<br />
One day is rarely like another. There's lots going on. I get to use a variety of skills I've built over the years. The travel benefits are great. The people are great. And that's not to say there aren't some frustrations in there, too, but I'm in this for the long haul. I'm committed, and this has become my new "normal".<br />
<br />
More later.Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-11701884843999859982017-01-03T21:22:00.001-08:002017-01-03T21:32:04.491-08:00Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs.....New Year's only lasts a couple of days. It's like a cliff - all the gradual uphill climb of the Holidays that starts around Halloween ends with a big band on New Year's Day. Then, off the edge you go - it's back to the mundane reality of "normalcy". January happens.<br />
<br />
Last year, Jan 4 marked my first day at American Airlines. After driving across country with only whatever would fit in my pickup truck and a U-Haul Trailer I needed to be sure that this was going to be a good fit before committing everything and bringing it all back across the country.<br />
<br />
I was one of two people hired to manage a couple of large American Airlines network projects. I've managed IT projects since 2000 - all kinds of projects. Software development projects, infrastructure projects, risk/security projects, corporate environments, military environments...it has actually been a great career. I made the decision early on that I enjoyed the type of life that being a "contract" worker provided...flexibility, more money, a specific purpose for being there...it's not for everyone but it was certainly good for me.<br />
<br />
Part of the reason for coming across country in the first place was that I was changing. My needs were changing. My approach to a number of things were changing. And, both symbolically and actually, coming back to an old new place at the beginning of a new year was a bold step into forcing a change that needed to happen.<br />
<br />
Anyone who has read my stuff for any period of time knows I'm a big believer that each of us needs to have both hands on the steering wheel and actually drive our lives. We're not passengers. We can't be afraid to hit the guardrail from time to time, or to head down a wrong street. And, in that same vein, we can't be afraid to take a risk. Moving back to Phoenix was a risk for me. It was based on some combination of listening to my gut, timing, and luck. <br />
<br />
So - back to Jan 4. Things fell in place quickly - there were immediate Signs that this was good. Strange coincidences seemed almost like validation that the right things were happening. For example, the other person who was hired that same day is someone I've worked with before. It was a little odd to walk into the room to meet the "other" new person and realize that you knew each other. More importantly, you actually like one another!<br />
<br />
After a couple of weeks I decided that I liked AA and AA seemed to like me back, so I started to look for a place to live. The plan was to find a place that would be "home", I can't stress that concept enough. Home. HOME. Not just a house, or a place to put my stuff. I needed that bigger thing called a "Home". I needed to set my anchor. I needed to be somewhere I really wanted to be. I needed to get away from the constant moving that I'd grown accustomed to. I needed a new HOME. I've struggled with this for years and it has proven so elusive. But I was dedicated to making it happen.<br />
<br />
A couple of weeks into January I set aside a weekend to search for a home. I needed a number of things - fenced yard for the pups, 3 bedrooms minimum, attached garage, Open floorplan with high ceilings. I like a large master bedroom, and large master bath. I didn't want an apartment, and I didn't want anything connected to anyone else. I wanted something within 15 miles or so of where I was working. And I wanted to keep it all under $1500 a month.<br />
<br />
And, with those criteria, I looked through Craigslist and on Trulia to put together a list of "potentials". In another of those odd coincidences, one of the houses on that list was a house I had lived in before. I lived there for a year and a half in 2006-2007. It where I was living when I got the pups, so this was our first home together. In one of those odd twists of fate it had just become available again and I expressed interest without knowing what it was.<br />
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Even more ironic, my co-worker (the one who started that same day) lives just around the corner. I mean - less than a dozen houses away! From my perspective, the search ended as soon as I pulled back in the driveway I can still remember leaving. It was like another piece had fallen into place.<br />
<br />
This gig at AA was kinda new for me in that it involved networking. That's one thing I haven't done before. I'm talking about networking in a big sense....where things we were doing could bring down entire airports or more. It was with a great group of people who I've learned to admire, trust, and like. And I think they'd say the same about me. Certainly not all those things are necessary in order to do your job but the older I get the more important those things become.<br />
<br />
So - by mid January last year I had accomplished quite a bit. I'd set a foothold in Phoenix. I had found a "home". I was again surrounded by people I truly love...people who have made a difference in my life. It was another big big thing in a life full of big big things. Most importantly - it all just <i>felt</i> right.<br />
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To be continued.....<br />
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<br />Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-46193755295294681572017-01-01T19:01:00.000-08:002017-01-01T20:21:39.991-08:00Reason and Passion<div class="tr_bq">
Today is New Years Day 2017. <br />
<br />
I haven't done an update on my blog in over a year now. That's a little hard for me believe given my recognition that my blog was a dear, intimate friend for a long long time. We talked every day - sometimes more than once a day. Although the nature of our relationship changed over the years - I started the blog a dozen years ago - and the frequency of our "talks" has varied I've never gone this long. An entire year.<br />
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I'm not about to start the New Year by making promises I can't keep. HOWEVER - I'm going to try to be a better friend with my blog. I've missed her in my life. <br />
<br />
We've got a lot of catching up to do. I don't play to do it all now. I'll do it little by little, as needed. However, I'll start where I left off. I wrote an entry last year on Dec 22 - just before Christmas - and never posted it. I'll start with that.<br />
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To set the scene - I had lived in Charleston for the better part of 4 years. The problem (or, one of them) was that I had chosen to LIVE in Charleston but I couldn't find a job doing what I do there. As a result, for the better part of almost 3 years I was working somewhere during the week and going home to Charleston on the weekends. <br />
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There was no balance. There was constant motion. There were long commutes - 3 or 4 hours to Charlotte or Raleigh. I actually rented an apartment in Charlotte for a while so I had some semblance of a home to come home to. But once all was said and done, it just wasn't healthy.<br />
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A couple of things that happened during 2015 affected my ability to justify it all. First was an Easter week dust-up that I won't explain in detail here. Suffice it to say that it changed my perspective on why I was willing to put up with so much to be there in the first place.<br />
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The second thing was when I ended up in the Emergency Room in early June. Recognition that I could justify the dual job/personal lives I was living for the sake of convenience or economic necessity just didn't cut it anymore. I recognized my need to surround myself with a support system of friends and people I cared about, and although I had never felt "lonely" in the traditional sense I became aware of a hidden "cost" I hadn't realized before.<br />
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I'm a big believer that the right things happen if you just give them a chance, and that you believe in the outcomes. I'm talking about the kind of trust required to close your eyes and starting to walk - following only your gut. That's the kind of trust, or courage, it takes to simply take another step.<br />
<br />
So, as 2015 started winding down I started to investigate "what next" with specific focus on addressing the things I had come to realize during the course of the year. The pull of Charleston hadn't lessened all that much - however, my willingness to deal with everything that kept me away from there had. And - first and foremost - I was looking for some stability. <br />
<br />
As my contract was winding down I started to send resumes to opportunities that looked like good matches. I've done this dozens of times over the course of my career - it's just the nature of being a contract worker. But this time I sent a couple of them to companies in Phoenix. Over Thanksgiving weekend in 2015 I interviewed for and was offered a long-term contract at American Airlines based out of PHX. <br />
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December last year was a blur. It involved planning and implementing all the logistics needed to get myself back across the country to start this new job on Jan 4. I had only recently finally brought the last of my stuff that I'd been storing in a storage unit in Phoenix TO Charleston with the mistaken understanding that my days there were through. As events would prove - that was premature.<br />
<br />
So - given that backstory this is what I wrote on Dec 22, 2015. <br />
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I consider myself to be an emotional person. I care. I feel things deeply (although I may not seem that way). For better or worse, I am often driven by passions first and rational thought second. I can point to dozens of thing I've done that were not wise but were fueled by emotion.<br />
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Over the years I've noted passages from Kahlil Gibran's "The Phrophet". He's got brief but deep insights on a variety of topics that effectively articulate very complicated things in very clear ways. One of the chapters explains this delicate balance between <a href="http://www.katsandogz.com/onreason.html" target="_blank">Reason and Passion</a>:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.<br />For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.<br />Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;<br />And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.<br />Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.</i></blockquote>
I get that. I <i>feel</i> that, all the way down to the core of my very seafaring soul.<br />
<br />
The one thing I'd add is the need to come to peace with the two of them. Looking back at your life -specifically, at decisions you've made - with the benefit of hindsight and in the context of reason alone will make you crazy. You can't do that. It doesn't work. I've tried, and every time my mind goes there I recognize the folly of it so I stop. <br />
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Much of what is happening in my life right now is tossed upon those stormy seas churned by passion and reason. I'm approaching it in a very workmanlike way because it needs that in order to do everything that needs to be done in a very short period of time. But every once in a while the emotion of it all creeps in. I'll note that the Holidays don't help....<br />
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The past several days have been full of packing and bringing things to a storage unit. Again. How many times have I done this?! This is actually the 4th time I've moved it all since last February - I haven't been posting regularly but I've moved all my stuff 4 friggin' times! Knowing that is very much what this is about. I can't keep doing this.<br />
<br />
In February I moved from my apartment to Charleston. I didn't have a solid landing pad at the time so I filled a friend's garage with my "stuff". After a while we needed to free up that space so I moved it all to a storage unit where it all lived for a couple of months. That move almost killed me.<br />
<br />
In July a friend helped me move it all to the place I'm living now. I've been joyfully storage unit free since then. Until last week, that is. To find myself moving back into one is - well - depressing. You'd think that at this stage of life I'd have more stability. Apparently not.<br />
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I like to believe that each of us can control our lives more than we know. <br />
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<br />
Immediately after that, things started moving fast. I drove from Charleston to Asheville NC on Christmas Day to drop off the pups with Rachel and Lauren to love until I had a stable place for us all to be. I drove back to Charleston the next day. There were some crazy days of moving the things into storage, cleaning the house, and packing the trucks. Then, a couple of days before New Years last year I started the 4-day drive across country.<br />
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The sentiments that I was trying to express at that time remain a constant. They're still true. The internal battle between Reason and Passion is ongoing and, in fact, I think it's that Yin/Yang dynamic that provides fuel for much of what drives me. Some seem to feel that finding peace - a state where there is no conflict - is Paradise. To me - the only thing I can imagine that meets that criteria is death. Rather, the key to living <i>for me</i> is finding those brief moments of balance. It's not the same thing.<br />
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One of the neat things about having a blog that you've kept up for a long time is looking back at your thoughts and actions with the benefit of hindsight. That's one of the things I'll regret for not having kept this current for a long time....there's a big gap in the story.<br />
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I think that's where I'll end for now. It's almost exactly a year to the day from where we are now. And - as I say - I'd prefer to catch up in pieces.<br />
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Oh - it's nice to be back. :)<br />
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<br />Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-52530024656400760972015-12-16T13:50:00.001-08:002015-12-16T13:50:39.386-08:00Wandering Soul SyndromeThere are people who find a spot in life and make themselves comfortable there. I was one of those people until the day I had my first injection of estrogen. I realized, deep down, that I was crossing a threshold from which I could not retreat and would very likely lead to upheaval in every element of my world. <br />
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Until that time my life was very clearly divided into 3 parts. I call the first my "Transient" Phase, and it covered the entire period from my birth until my high school graduation. My father was an academic in a very specialized field and was paid to come to universities on one year fellowships to help establish biophysics departments there. As a result, we moved almost every year. When I think back to my time in grade school it's all based on where we were living at the time....6th grade Buffalo NY, 7th grade Santa Barbara CA, 8th grade East Lansing Michigan, 9th grade back to Buffalo. Over a period of 5 years I attended 5 different schools. Whereas kids of those in military service sometimes to refer to themselves as "Army brats" I referred to myself as an "Academic brat". Different specialty, same result.<br />
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The second part of my life covered my 4 years of college. I was anxious to live on my own but circumstance had other ideas. I went to 3 colleges in 2 countries, and took an entire semester off, before graduating from Syracuse University in 1981. Those years seemed to continue the theme of Transience that had dominated my life until then - the difference being that until that time I couldn't get away even if I wanted because I wasn't "of age" but for those four years, I was simply being practical.<br />
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That all ended one night in November 1990 when I met a woman who would eventually become my wife. With her I found the stability that had eluded me to that point in life, and after a year of getting established we bought our first house near Rochester NY. We lived in that house for 15 years - that was my Stable Phase. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizQtetw3T6RWRbU-uConHiWllgYSoTcK1I2MiDUfAbM5zCmQ83lRXmvuYJYMsGGGgOPaI-d7fyXMUq0TY4y2-bR59Iv-2OpJq1n2smseCIt46C7_H3UcuupeHaZXQDjGhXU4vIA_41AVY/s1600/2015-12-16%25252014.39.09.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizQtetw3T6RWRbU-uConHiWllgYSoTcK1I2MiDUfAbM5zCmQ83lRXmvuYJYMsGGGgOPaI-d7fyXMUq0TY4y2-bR59Iv-2OpJq1n2smseCIt46C7_H3UcuupeHaZXQDjGhXU4vIA_41AVY/s320/2015-12-16%25252014.39.09.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Artists rendition of "home" on Cottonwood Ln, in Pittsford NY....</td></tr>
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My son was born there. My career grew from nothing and became successful there. I had a side business that hatched and thrived there. We made lots of friends there, and eventually the entire rest of my immediate family came to live there (only briefly). My father died there. The roots that had eluded me to that point in life finally took hold, growing deep and strong.<br />
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In 1995 we decided that we'd had enough of the harsh winters there and bought a house in Scottsdale AZ. It seemed like paradise, and we expected to live there for the balance of our lives. That calm lasted until the moment I described earlier, in 1997, when I got that first shot. Everything that followed was a gradual but accelerating trajectory into the theme of my early days - no roots.<br />
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I left the Valley in 2000 with the expectation of setting new roots in Austin, TX. I had been hired by Dell, and it was my first job ever as me - every job before that was thanks to the exterior I presented before transition. I envisioned setting those same roots that I had established in Rochester there but time and circumstance had other ideas. After 4 years I was back in the Valley.<br />
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Over the past 10 years I've had more than 10 addresses. People have<br />
<br />
The Valley seems to have a way of calling/bringing me back. It's the most fertile place I've lived as far as career opportunities go. I've got more dear friends there than anywhere else. I love the weather, and the quality of life. I've learned the hard way that there are specific areas of the Valley that energize me, and others with which I feel no connection whatsoever. <br />
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All that writing is a round-about way of saying that I am hoping that my history of Wandering Soul Syndrome is finally coming to an end. Ever the optimist, I'm approaching what happens over the next several months cautiously and for many significant reasons I will refuse to fully relinquish my connection to the the Low Country. But if and when the stability I'm seeking proves to be more than a mirage I'll do what needs to be done - whether that be in Phoenix or in Charleston.<br />
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I'd be lying if I said I haven't grown weary of all of this. But I'd also be lying if I said I'd allow that weariness to determine where I ultimately land. I suppose time and circumstance will work their magic, as usual, to help make the decisions clear. Until then, onwards.<br />
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Last week a group of us spent a week in Phoenix to attend dear Maria's Holiday Party. Dear friends came from all over the country to attend, and I had a wonderful time. It reminded me how much I miss life there and was a very much appreciated pre-welcome back. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCqqxKvnGSI_6D86alBbXLqXm_jPAM_-ZJ8P8HYPjX26ICyZ7o2W147yWo400Pg-ul9wcMFkB76UOIqTLUsZYhdMbO_DsSdEQNuttj6DJnLeFxaKdlXm1bSIF8e1lZNYSh9aC6b-FbyQY/s1600/Marias_Gang.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCqqxKvnGSI_6D86alBbXLqXm_jPAM_-ZJ8P8HYPjX26ICyZ7o2W147yWo400Pg-ul9wcMFkB76UOIqTLUsZYhdMbO_DsSdEQNuttj6DJnLeFxaKdlXm1bSIF8e1lZNYSh9aC6b-FbyQY/s400/Marias_Gang.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some of my dearest friends in the world converged in the Valley recently for Maria's Holiday event</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
One of the highlights (among a week of highlights) was a weekend run along my old running route. In the earliest days, before transition, I started to train my body in an effort to re-shape it. All the muscle I'd built over the years needed to go, and I needed to lose 20 pounds to get to a place where I'd be comfortable moving forward. In order to achieve that I trained as hard as I've trained for any physical event or competition I've ever entered. A key part of that involved early morning runs near our north Scottsdale neighborhood - up near Pinnacle Peak.<br />
<br />
It's gorgeous country. Unspoiled, large saguaro cactus everywhere, largely removed from "civilization" - even after these many years since I ran with a keen sense of purpose. I took an hour on Saturday afternoon to re-trace those steps and although I'm not as fast as I remember the run was more enjoyable because of the appreciation of what those many miles along those roads have led to. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxPjV88H7zRQo84lWhp7OUTuE8gXbQc2GeQBHxj6NqLK0oLpuxzZq3_CJekMLGe9i0SQ_koBZvJv85WLwBlKcdT1_I5l1dRXC9timfDjHz2oxy8jK1p87nsa62kikyuMb7lO-bxKG777k/s1600/2015-12-16%25252016.43.55.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxPjV88H7zRQo84lWhp7OUTuE8gXbQc2GeQBHxj6NqLK0oLpuxzZq3_CJekMLGe9i0SQ_koBZvJv85WLwBlKcdT1_I5l1dRXC9timfDjHz2oxy8jK1p87nsa62kikyuMb7lO-bxKG777k/s640/2015-12-16%25252016.43.55.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The beauty of the Sonoran desert along my running route - a truly magical place for me.</td></tr>
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I've had some of my most introspective moments on those runs, where the mind just wanders and goes places it doesn't seem to go when the body isn't in motion. My most recent run was similarly magical, and I look forward to doing more of them in the future.<br />
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On the medical front I went to the surgeon today to get the results of my recent CT scan and was told I've got a clean bill of health. My discomfort is likely due to physical exertion but there's nothing that needs to be "fixed". I'm glad, and relieved.<br />
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I talked with my mom today. I've got a lot on my plate, and a lot on my mind, and talking with her helped. I expect to see her again sometime between now and the New Year, on my way to Phoenix. I appreciate the opportunities I've got while I can. Like so many things - you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.<br />
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Onwards!<br />
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Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-9362534258485440602015-12-15T11:20:00.002-08:002015-12-15T11:20:58.898-08:00Planning Within the HeadlightsIt has been quite a while since I have checked in here. I have no idea if anyone even visits anymore, although I know at least one person (hey Sophie!) misses me. <br />
<br />
I have no explanation other than I haven't felt the need to write. I think there are a number of reasons.<br />
Two contributing factors: (a) the availability of other avenues to do it and (b) my need for a little time and space.<br />
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The main "other" area where I share elements of my day-to-day life is Facebook. Over the years I've established a definite love/hate relationship with FB and admittedly don't share with the same depth or detail there as I typically do here. Although I've got many "friends" there, most don't know me or haven't followed my life other than what the see or read via what I share there. I've reached a point where I don't share much there anymore - if I post a brief update more than once or twice a week that's a lot.<br />
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A lot has happened in my life since my last post. There's no way for me to catch up here on everything between then and now so I won't really try right now. I think a year-end retrospective is probably on the way so I'll fill in the necessary blanks a little later.<br />
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That said - I'm back because I NEED to write. I've got a lot going on in my life right now and writing has always been a pathway to clarity for me. I've always felt that if you can take the time to articulate complex thoughts and emotions you provide yourself the opportunity to make sense of it all. What I'm about to say here is only available here. Less than a half dozen people know any of this, but heading into what's about to happen I've got a lot to work out. As a result - I'm back.<br />
<br />
Two events have shaped my current mindset this past year, and have affected decisions I've been making. <br />
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The first was when I ended up in the ER in April. I was in Charlotte, where I've been working for the better part of the past two years. When I was lying in that hospital bed, curled up in pain, the nurse was asking me intake questions. This is what I wrote in my blog entry at the end of May:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
As I lay in the hospital last week the nurse asked me if I had anyone locally that they could call, or who could pick me up if I needed it. As I thought about it the depressing reality was "no". I really have no friends in Charlotte. I work there. My co-workers and I get along great but we're not on a level where I'd want to share too much personal medical information. For all intents and purposes, I was all alone. And that sucked.</blockquote>
Over the course of the last several months that singular realization has felt like a wake-up call. It said volumes to me about the trade-offs we make in life and the fact that I was accepting my dual-existence of home/career where bulk of my time is spent away from home as "ok". It isn't.<br />
<br />
My living arrangements over these past couple of years have been a little less than ideal, given the fact that I typically commute over 200 miles a week between Charleston (where I live) and Charlotte (where I work). It has taken quite a bit of time, energy, and money to maintain this dual life. But the fact of the matter is that my deepest need in recent years has been to set roots as "home" and I had decided (for a number of compelling reasons) that those roots need to grow in Charleston. The unfortunate outcome of that decision - and one that I had simply accepted - was acquiescence that the cost necessarily involved travel.<br />
<br />
Starting the night I was in the ER, I headed down a path that stressed the importance of surrounding ourselves with our support networks - our dearest friends, the people who care most about us, the people you can count on or can call any time night or day and they'll be there. Having those people around you is more than simply convenience - it's critical. So - coming out of that experience I found renewed dedication to surround myself with my support network.<br />
<br />
There are 3 places I've lived in this world and have those kinds of friends. First - there's Rochester NY. That's home. Second, there's here in Charleston - but the problem has consistently been that I can't find a job here so I end up traveling and making my life complicated. Third - perhaps the largest group of those people in my life are in Phoenix.<br />
<br />
The second event was much less dramatic, but equally as affecting. To be honest, I still don't know what caused it and if I were to try to explain it my words would only trivialize it. It happened over Easter when plans that had been made got changed. It wasn't so much that they changed that caused the upheaval in me....it was HOW that week unfolded that caused the uproar in my world.<br />
<br />
In that same blog entry from late May I wrote:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I look at the various events and people from my life who have led me to where I am now. Some of those people and things have faded away, others have weaved themselves into the fabric of my world, and others have become foundational elements. Good decisions, bad decisions, wisdom (or lack of it) in choosing friends and placing trust, strongly held beliefs that transform themselves into life decisions....they're all part of this tapestry that makes up my life right now.</blockquote>
The key phrase in all of that is "Strongly held beliefs that transform themselves into life decisions". As the beliefs change, so too do the possibilities worthy of consideration and the subsequent decisions that get made.<br />
<br />
Both those events have led me to question whether or not the foothold that I thought I had in Charleston is really the long-term "roots" I've been seeking. It still might be, but whereas I once felt sure now I've got questions. When I've set my mind to something I can be pretty tenacious about it, but when something causes me to stop and take a step back it becomes time to reassess given the appropriate opportunity to pause.<br />
<br />
The next natural opportunity happens at year-end, with the end of my contract in Charlotte. I've been there for two years now, and a number of decisions needed to be made about "what next?" Given my mindset - there are more options than simply accepting that more of the same is ok. I was offered a 3 month extension, which I turned down - more of the same ISN'T ok. I've exhausted efforts to find something worthwhile locally.<br />
<br />
Without going into all the details - I have accepted a long-term opportunity that will bring me back to Phoenix at the beginning of the year. The logistics of how that is going to happen become overwhelming to this little brain whenever I try to wrap my mind around them. I'm sure they will be the source of future entries here.<br />
<br />
If getting myself back across the country in two weeks weren't enough - there is the potential complication of a medical procedure that may need to happen between now and the end of the year as well. I had an appointment with a surgeon late last week who sent me for a CT scan to get a better idea of what's going on. I've got an appointment with him tomorrow to review the results so I expect I'll know more then than I do now.<br />
<br />
I've very good at considering life in short-term bites. I call it planning within the headlights. It's like driving on a dark road at night - all you know is that is illuminated by your headlights - the rest is just dark. You react to each turn as it appears in front of you, and you can't really get too far ahead of yourself. That's how I approach things like this. I'm gauging everything that needs to happen between now and the day I'm supposed to start my new job in Phoenix (Jan 4). The rest is just the details (although I'm told that's where the devil lives).<br />
<br />
There is quite a bit of irony in all of this. Most of my life "stuff" lived in a storage unit in the Valley for several years until I finally went to get it 18 months ago. I truly expected that my days of calling the Valley "home" had come to an end. And even as I write this I'm not saying that my time in Charleston is over, either. We'll see how all of this unfolds. What I am saying, however, is that life as I know it is about to change. Again. It's a good thing I deal well with change.....<br />
<br />
Lastly - it's nice to be back! :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-3811374874160844852015-08-14T08:21:00.001-07:002015-08-14T08:21:39.175-07:00Spare no expenseAs I type this I'm sitting in a hotel room near Birmingham, AL. I'm on my way to Dallas to pick up my other pup and drive him back to Charleston.<br />
<br />
There is quite a bit of emotion wrapped up in this. Leaving him with my mom in early February was one of the hardest emotional traumas I've experienced in a long time. One of the things that allowed me to leave that house without him was justifying to myself that it was in his best interest....that my mom's stable world was a better fit for him than my own gypsy life. Anyway - without going into too much detail - I'm headed back to get him. I don't mind admitting - I'm excited.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cody man!!!</td></tr>
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<br />
There are a few things in life where I spare no expense. I have no problem justifying additional cost, distance, or effort if I can convince myself that I'm getting what I need. <br />
<br />
My make-up is one of those things. 95% of my stuff is from MAC. They earned my loyalty many years ago and I've probably got a small store's worth of their stuff.<br />
<br />
Another of those things is my hair.<br />
Over the years I've put my hair into the hands of a number of people who ultimately became dear friends. It's typically more than just a service-related thing for me....in order to give my hair some "personality" it involves knowing a little about me. It's a relationship....a long-term relationship. And, in some instances, a long-distance relationship.<br />
<br />
At the very beginning of my transition I had convinced myself that in order to be percieved as feminine I needed long hair. As wrong-minded as that was, learning that I was wrong was an important step in the development of my ideals of feminity, masculinity, and who-the-heck-cares.<br />
<br />
I'll never forget my earliest wigs. While I tried to grow my hair out to a sufficient length I wore them to my first support group meetings, and on my initial tentative steps out into the world. Funny thing is, they probably drew more attention my way than they deflected but that's the thing about a crutch....it's not a rational thing, it's an emotional one. <br />
<br />
I will never forget the night I took my wig off...and it hasn't been on since. I had recently come back from seeing Dr. O and my own hair was still very short. But the wig was hot, it was unruly, and most importantly it put pressure on the spot in the hairline where Dr. O had made his incision. It hurt. <br />
<br />
I decided then and there that whatever hair I had was the hair I'd use. In a way - it became part of my identity.<br />
<br />
In the early days I kept it long. Eventually one of my hairdressers in Austin asked if I wanted to be bold and change things up and we cut it pretty short. It stayed that way for 3 or 4 years before I eventually started growing it out again.<br />
<br />
I've done some research and found a hairdresser that I wanted to entrust with a little bit of a shorter, layered, lighter style. Here's the result (pardon the crude photo....it's hard to take a good side picture of your hair in a hotel room bathroom mirror). The mark of a good hairstyle in my book is that it looks just as good when you style it yourself as when the stylist does it at the salon, and how it looks a week later.<br />
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<br />
So far - I like.<br />
<br />
I'm getting to ready to leave the hotel for the 10 hour drive to Dallas. If all goes according to plan I'll see my mom tonight!<br />
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Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-84769118445258686582015-08-10T13:10:00.003-07:002015-08-10T13:10:24.073-07:00Time in a BottleToday is my 15th anniversary of SRS. I didn't even realize it until someone sent me a congratulations text. Lord, how time flies.<br />
<br />
In the year leading up to this day I had a countdown on my computer telling me the number of days left until SRS. When it got less than 100 I was thrilled. When it got less than 30, I couldn't believe it. And with it got less than 7 - well, I was amazed. The good news is - I'm still amazed.<br />
<br />
In the years that followed I celebrated this milestone date for the significant role it played in my life. I typically celebrated it alone as it was a time for reflection, introspection, and appreciation that really didn't need anyone else to be special. I'm sure I could look back over my blogs to see the things I've done over this last decade to mark this milestone.<br />
<br />
Not surprisingly, it has become just another day. I'm more aware of my FFS anniversary than my SRS anniversary as that actually had the larger impact. I don't want to minimize or trivialize SRS but by the time it arrived I needed it as much for congruency and closure as anything.<br />
<br />
15 years represents over 25% of my life. That's crazy....<br />
<br />
One of the things I came across recently while unpacking was a stack of video tapes that contain my family "home movies". They're called "Memory" tapes because theyt're labled "Memories 1", Memories 2" and so on....sometimes with the accompanying dates. I used to have a video production company so I always had a video camera around. As a result - there are a significant number of Memories tapes.<br />
<br />
When I was told I was no longer welcome in my house I left without taking anything with me. In retrospect, I would have done that much differently as there are things I would have wanted if I had known then what I know now. Regardless - I didn't have any of the Memories tapes.<br />
<br />
In the years shortly afterwards my son brought me a pile of the tapes on one of his visits. He said his mother would never watch them so he brought the ones he could find. I've brought them with me here and there and everywhere, but it's time to transfer them to DVD. I'd like a copy, my mom wants a copy, and I'd like my son to have a copy as it covers everything from the day we found out that we were pregnant to the day I left home in 1999. <br />
<br />
I brought the first one in to see what the output is like earlier this week - I'll let you know.<br />
<br />
My ex-wife and I haven't spoken in a couple of years now. She has her life and I have mine, and the only thing we've got in common is 20 years of memories and a son. Although I had a strong suspicion that it would be wasted energy I wrote to her last week to tell her what I was doing, to inquire if she was interested in a copy, and to ask if I could borrow the Memories tapes she still has. Needless to say, I haven't heard anything back yet and I don't expect to. That's a shame, and I'm still hopeful that I can get them.<br />
<br />
I'm actually looking forward to seeing what's on them. Things were much simpler back then, or at least that's how I remember it. Anyway - stay tuned on that front.<br />
<br />
I've got quite a bit of traveling coming up. Later this week I'll be starting out on the 1,100 mile drive to Dallas. I'm headed there to pick up my dog, Cody. I left him with my mom in February and was heartsick over it for months. Anyway, my mom has asked me to come and get him and it is without hesitation that I'll be coming home with one more furry friend than I've got now. But it will involve a 2,200 mile round trip over 4 days - yuck.<br />
<br />
Then, I've got a dear friend coming to visit for a few days.<br />
<br />
Finally, I'll be headed up to Rochester NY at the end of the month on my mom's annual birthday pilgrimage. She's turning 86 this year. It's the only time that our entire family gets together so I wouldn't miss it for anything. <br />
<br />
I'll travel back to Dallas in early October to participate in a conference there. And I suspect I'll have another trip - or two - in between. Now that summer is coming to an end, it appears that I'll need to dust off my suitcase. <br />
<br />
Back to the significance of this day. For years there was only one other person who knew what this day was and she called to congratulate me every year. She was a wonderful, very special person in my life who passed away a number of years ago. Thanks to those who still remember and who remind me. <br />
<br />
Some who visit here regularly know that I've posted all the various correspondences, emails, diary entries, and background "stuff" that eventually ended up as my book. When significant anniversaries pass - like today - I go there to re-live them (<a href="http://www.donnarose.com/WIB_-_Trapped_In_Blue_files/Trapped%20In%20Blue%20-%20Part%202.pdf" target="_blank">Trapped In Blue</a>). I hope I never forget where I've come from, or lose the appreciation of what it has taken to get here from there. :)<br />
<br />
Onwards!<br />
<br />
<br />
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Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-81499279883340539902015-07-29T18:38:00.000-07:002015-07-29T18:38:32.824-07:00To "Feel"I've got an interesting topic tonight. Hormones.<br />
<br />
I will never, ever, ever forget the day that my therapist told me she was ready to recommend me to start hormones. Or, the day I visited the doctor who would become my transition-doctor for the first time to inquire about his hormone regimen. Or, my first estrogen shot. All were earth-shattering, life-changing experiences for me.<br />
<br />
My doctor from those days is still practicing. He's Dr. Ken Fisher at First Family Medical in Phoenix. I make it a point to go and visit him every time I visit the Valley. He never fails to complain that they need to make a movie of my book soon, or Brad Pitt will be too old to play him. Too funny. When I stopped by in June he said his trans practice was booming...it's hard to believe I first started seeing him in 1997 ir 1998...almost 20 years ago. THAT makes me feel old.<br />
<br />
At the time his regimen was a strict one. High dosage of Premarin twice a day. Spiro. And, bi-weekly injections. <br />
<br />
Those injections became like crack to me. I'd drive the half hour to get to the doctor's office at lunchtime from work, and I'd be both excited and nervous. The excited part came from how they made me feel....especially the growth in the breast area. The nervous part came from the fact that I still hadn't come out to my wife yet, and it became increasingly difficult to hide what was happening.<br />
<br />
After SRS there seems to be no singular definition of what HRT for post-op transwomen should be. I stayed on the injectibles for a long time. Early on, I was too queasy to give myself my shots so I had my girlfriend at the time do it. Eventually, though, I learned to do it myself and that's how it happened for a long time....until the vials of estradiol became too expensive.<br />
<br />
Not long ago the price of a little vial had gone up to $200. I can't afford that. So, I switched to pills which were cheaper than candy. But it's not the same...the effects aren't the same, the feelings aren't the same. It might be the same drug but you couldn't prove it by me. It was almost like taking my morning asperin...<br />
<br />
A few months ago I found that the price per vial had come back down to reasonable territory so I started back up. It was great....and all those same effects came back. Sore breast tissue. Emotional roller coaster. I could "feel" it again. <br />
<br />
I don't have an explanation. It has nothing to do with my blood chemistry, as my most recent levels were very high after almost a year off injections. But these is something else there that can't be measured. At least, for me there is.<br />
<br />
Unpacking....<br />
<br />
When I was a child we moved pretty much every year. My dad was an academic in a very specialized field, and we went from university to university for my dad to help establish biophysics departments - not unlike being an "Army Brat", I suppose. I went to 6 different schools in 7 years, and when I think back to my childhood it's all centered around what grade I was in and where we were living. 6th Grade: Lindberg Elementary in Kenmre NY. 7th Grade in Santa Barbara, CA. 8th Grade near East Lansing, MI. 9th Grade at Kenmore Jr. HS. 10th and 11th grades at Kenmore West HS. And 12th grade at Queen Elizabeth HS in Halifax, Nova Scotia. <br />
<br />
I hated all that moving. If you ever get a chance to talk with my mom she'll tell you that the mark of making a place "feel" like home is putting stuff up on the walls. After a while, we knew we'd have to pack everything up again in a year so we didn't even both unpacking some of it, and we stopped putting stuff up on the walls.<br />
<br />
When I got married one of the vows I made was to change that - to live a more stable life. And I succeeded, too. My ex- and I bought our first house near Rochester NY in 1982 and lived in it for 15 years before moving to Scottsdale. Needless to say, anyone who has followed me for any length of time knows I've got my traveling shoes back on and I've live in more places than I can remember since being asked to leave home in 1999.<br />
<br />
The reason I mention any of that is that I've spent the last few days putting things up on the walls. My lease on this house is only a year (although I'm hoping it will be longer) but it's critical to me to make it "feel" like home. I don't care if I'll need to pack it all back up again....for now I'm home.<br />
<br />
As I've unpacked I've come across all kinds of interesting things that have been tucked away in boxes. I really do need to go through some of it and throw some of it away - but that task will have to wait. I'm still enjoying the discovery part.<br />
<br />
With all this recent attention on Caitlyn Jenner I've seen lists of "Transgender Pioneers". I think it was Groucho Marx who said, "I'd never join a club that would have someone like me as a member." Well - I've got two things to say on those kinds of lists. <br />
<br />
First - it's good to recognize some of our history. I'm concerned that the history will get forgotten, and that would be a shame. I'll never forget speaking at a University and being asked to talk with the cast of a student production of Rent. It became apparent very quickly that none of those kids knew anything about the AIDS epidemic in the '90s and the huge impact it had. It was central to the entire plot, but these kids were born afterwards and had no memory of AIDS, or the quilt, or any of the history of their community.<br />
<br />
Second - any list of pioneers that doesn't have the REAL pioneers - people like Jamison Green - on it is an imcomplete - and ultimately flawed - list. It is unfortunate (but understandable) that all this visibility on celebrities (actors and actresses, models, producers and directors, children of Hollywood) seem to make our history significantly shorter than it is. The key is that I don't think most of the early pioneers ever really wanted attention in the first place so being overlooked on recent lists isn't a big deal.<br />
<br />
Anyways - those are my thoughts tonight. I'll continue to do this...it's actually kind of refreshing to be back here just writing the first things that come to my mind. Onwards!Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-62259766557777073922015-07-28T09:01:00.002-07:002015-07-28T09:01:20.055-07:00Extended VacayHello!<br />
<br />
I appologize (again) for my extended vacation from my blog. There's no reason for it other than the fact that I seem to spend less and less time in front of a computer these days and more time out actually doing things. I suppose that's good news, but know that I very much appreciate those who have written to touch base, check on me, or indicate that they miss my entries. I'll try to be better at it going forward.<br />
<br />
I'll start by providing a brief synopsis of recent events in my world.<br />
<br />
First off - my health. After all those tests we learned three things: (1) there is a benign "mass" the size of a golf ball on my liver that we'll watch (2) there are no indications as to what caused the internal bleeding that put me in the hospital so we'll watch that, too and (3) I'm generally pretty healthy. <br />
<br />
The downside of all this is measured in both cost (I've got relatively high deductibles so there is quite an OUCH factor) and that dealing with insurance is a pain. I don't want to go into details because it'll get me riled up, but I'm disputing a couple of claims. Lordy.<br />
<br />
So - health seems to be fine for now. My heart is good. My psyche is good. My overall outlook is good. There are certainly minor complaints here and there but given the various dynamics that make up my world most of them seem to be in balance. Plus - it's summer - and I absolutely love this time of year.<br />
<br />
The biggest news is that I moved into a house on July 1. Eternal thanks go to my friend Colin for helping me on that brutal day we moved everything from storage into the house I'm renting. It's a 4-bedroom house in Charleston and I'm absolutely loving it. I love the floor plan, I've got a little yard with a lawn, the garage is big enough to handle my various vehicles, it's convenient to things, the master bedroom is huge, it's bright....I can't think of a downside. <br />
<br />
Our neighborhood faces a large pond and there are geese and turtles there. There's a sign warning of the possibility of alligators but I haven't seen one. Regardless, it makes for very pretty walks in the morning or later in the day; sunrises and sunsets look amazing when reflected on the water.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiToEfiQuRjcPgnT42B89BRiwdUikFhGhmJX8hbVQ7FCtJt_SJbqMaX-92bwz9KhXZ15pL5O8el681ar5QaYzFNTocf0WqafYJYYekW4raPo050zVyC5EA_flLBLCJAOh0eOgsQLek61ew/s1600/20150713_204441.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sunset on the pond in front of my house.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evening storms rolling in make for pretty colors.....The pond in front of my house.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSWaZ6aMjK6GMW_eqCaLKmZG_esA2zpXnGss6-kdcPMCBKBmi3_Wbi2dCW34L_4I4Xrfzy9r5KIwYCeqPfKeFDrpO_MZ1pzqHDESuCUTjYpSGVJ5mgBJt0MPvZ_hzrjx-oR7oZ3C768IE/s1600/20150727_132015.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSWaZ6aMjK6GMW_eqCaLKmZG_esA2zpXnGss6-kdcPMCBKBmi3_Wbi2dCW34L_4I4Xrfzy9r5KIwYCeqPfKeFDrpO_MZ1pzqHDESuCUTjYpSGVJ5mgBJt0MPvZ_hzrjx-oR7oZ3C768IE/s640/20150727_132015.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The view from my front porch.</td></tr>
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</a>Moving in was a brutal day. I've moved more times than I care to count, but 90+ degree humid South Carolina days can sap the strength from even the hardiest of us. By the end of the day we had just finished before some wild thunderstorms opened up on us. After a shower, some fresh clothes, a couple glasses of wine and some pizza, and sitting on the back porch watching the lightning show it was a day I won't forget. <br />
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We move lots of the boxes into the garage so I'm bringing it into the house and putting it where it belongs little by little. I'm fairiy well along in that, but it's an ongoing process.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCyLLGC3-9wAi7NswVp8fd9FPzewOQo0Gz1Z8s62sbt3Ha_WFaNCHE0PxaWsEaZWDjegbhmQXNfOcUaX-RN_0ps0N40NAsIENvgAbOzNnPxqlmsNW2IKd17S9DGSa7eZ4pv9QRKPXCPwg/s1600/20150726_075105.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCyLLGC3-9wAi7NswVp8fd9FPzewOQo0Gz1Z8s62sbt3Ha_WFaNCHE0PxaWsEaZWDjegbhmQXNfOcUaX-RN_0ps0N40NAsIENvgAbOzNnPxqlmsNW2IKd17S9DGSa7eZ4pv9QRKPXCPwg/s640/20150726_075105.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Boxes staged for put-away</td></tr>
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Work is going well. I'm still working on contract in Charlotte but have the flexibility to work from home most of the time. That makes all the difference. The thing that changed the dynamic of spending most of my workweek there, and weekends in Charleston, was my visit to the ER. It was depressing being in a hospital in a town where I have absolutely no friends - where I have no support network. That experience changed everything from being "ok" with the convenience of it all to forcing a better long-term solution. <br />
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I've been pulling my stuff out of the place in Charlotte I've been staying little by little and there's only a small bit of oit left. I've got one more trip left and need a trailer for that - now that I've gotten rid of my truck I don't have anything to bring the mattress home with. <br />
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The last time I posted that I was in a good place is just before my health issues. I'm just enjoying this while it lasts. Honestely - I know I've said this before, but it's true. There are not enough hours in the day to do the things I want to do. <br />
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The weather this summer has been a typical Carolina summer. Hot days in the mid 90's, very humid forcing heat index into the low 100's, and often a late afternoon/early evening thunderstorm blowing thru. I love it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii1LxQUGhxrxHZ8xnXoesxWxte6B6gIwM9YdoHsBIlmyeiim7SNUlFcJVGcKfeZKpDDsaU4NOlgGa1u0iDcVEVJUL2nq_LKwDXsC7VzAYN15oj2SWXJJ1M3T4Xbk6b59oyeapoOsRHvYU/s1600/20150723_173853.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii1LxQUGhxrxHZ8xnXoesxWxte6B6gIwM9YdoHsBIlmyeiim7SNUlFcJVGcKfeZKpDDsaU4NOlgGa1u0iDcVEVJUL2nq_LKwDXsC7VzAYN15oj2SWXJJ1M3T4Xbk6b59oyeapoOsRHvYU/s640/20150723_173853.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A curtain of rain - dead ahead.</td></tr>
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In broader community news, Caitlyn Jenner's new reality series started over the weekend. I'm confident it will be well done and will extend awareness of trans realities into places we've never been before. I shared on FB that I won't watch it - not for anything it is or isn't other than I don't watch reality shows. Besides, I'm sure I'll hear enough about it thru other venues so there's no need to watch it myself.<br />
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Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-92100089680121871722015-06-02T18:57:00.001-07:002015-06-02T18:57:07.403-07:00The CalmGood morning.<br />
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I had a marvelous weekend. The weather was beautiful, I spent most of it on a motorcycle, and I got to spend some time enjoying some of the coastal charms of this beautiful state. All things considered - it's a shame it had to end.<br />
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I decided to share my "news" on FB. People are finding out in all kinds of different ways and I wanted to remove the chance that things get blown out of proportion. At this point all we know is that there's something in there. I hope we learn more over these next few days.<br />
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Ironically, the liver thing isn't the reason I was in the ER in the first place. Tests are going on on that front, as well. Now that I've recovered the pressure to figure that out seems to have waned. The good news is that my blood is good, and biopsies they've done on various "things" they've taken from inside of me have turned up clean. That's all good news, but doesn't get to a cause.<br />
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One of the frustrating things is that everything seems to take a week. When all this first happened the soonest I could get into the doctor was a week. Then, it took another week to do all the tests. Now, I'll go back to see the doctor a week later. I suspect he'll want to do a biopsy of the "mass" and that will probably take another week (or more). I'd like to speed this whole thing up.<br />
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That said, I don't know that any of it has sunk in yet. I "feel" good, and although the weight of knowing what little I do know at the moment is always there I don't let myself dwell on it. I haven't cried over it yet. And, I'm thankful to have people in my life to help focus on other things during this time of investigation.<br />
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On Friday night I had originally planned to spend the weekend with some of my dearest friends in Charleston - their kindness and love towards me has been one of the reasons the city feels so much like home. Instead, I headed out for some time alone then ended up in Myrtle Beach for a friend's son's lacrosse tournament. I probably put 500 miles on the bike over the weekend but it was worth it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGbs-gasG3gIg0te5ApgeoRPGxWxjdb5QOqQUX-_ep_En3oz_3if9UrwMGfAFEB_xHnAyH21zolZk2kS5sdm4BffFShAZl62Ub9z8h_BdqtsRaUUZPpAEkVd8n-tDG8doN1OgHdIOWzWo/s1600/20150531_103553.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGbs-gasG3gIg0te5ApgeoRPGxWxjdb5QOqQUX-_ep_En3oz_3if9UrwMGfAFEB_xHnAyH21zolZk2kS5sdm4BffFShAZl62Ub9z8h_BdqtsRaUUZPpAEkVd8n-tDG8doN1OgHdIOWzWo/s640/20150531_103553.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lacrosse under big, puffy clouds....</td></tr>
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On the way home I went through a brief shower. It was the first time I've ridden in rain, and it actually felt wonderful. Cooling, cleansing. I stopped in Georgetown - a quaint little city halfway between Charleston and Myrtle Beach - for lunch. Watching the boats, smelling the sea air - that's why I enjoy it here. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3QHOlpiS2dHWUspVHIFACRQkwGpVSBZEb4m7sc3yLfkuDmf5bXmgOcThZEwmF2A26_nhYd884CkW2nC0O4VUt3yu7ZEaecAiefdj2hhhLVu03OZLzw38G-wwvpYc8_dmxl-xT9jxb19A/s1600/20150531_134615.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3QHOlpiS2dHWUspVHIFACRQkwGpVSBZEb4m7sc3yLfkuDmf5bXmgOcThZEwmF2A26_nhYd884CkW2nC0O4VUt3yu7ZEaecAiefdj2hhhLVu03OZLzw38G-wwvpYc8_dmxl-xT9jxb19A/s640/20150531_134615.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Boardwalk along the waterfront in Georgetown, SC</td></tr>
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I am under no illusions that things are not about to get busier than I'd like them to be so I'm treating this as the calm before the storm.<br />
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I asked my doctor for a list of therapists I can talk with - I miss having that kind of outlet. When I transitioned one of the best parts was finally having someone I could talk with who could offer constructive, thought-provoking feedback. I realize there are many who feel that the requirement for a year of therapy as part of the Standards of Care is intrusive but for me, it was wonderful.<br />
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I'd go so far as to suggest that the fact many of us stop seeing a therapist as soon as we can is actually a hole in the safety net. Once you've made all the moves to permanently be who you are having that continuing sounding board can be very important. Many of us - including me - don't take advantage of it.<br />
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But now that I'm at this stage I've got a number of things on my mind that I need to discuss with someone. The physical questions currently on the table are part of it but there's more than that. Anyway, my doctor recommended 4 therapists that she thought would be good for me so I'll choose one and see where that goes...<br />
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Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-88299714232914057002015-05-29T03:01:00.001-07:002015-05-29T03:01:41.385-07:00The Invader<div dir="ltr">
In my last post I shared that one of the outcomes of a recent visit to the ER was that a "mass" had been discovered on my liver thanks to a CT Scan of my abdomen. Actually, the CT report indicates that there are two unidentified "things" on it, but one is significantly larger than the other. </div>
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Tonight, thanks to a 2-hour MRI session at the hospital, I got my first glimpse of the invader. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">An MRI image of my liver. I'm told that the "mass" is the white splotch on the left.</td></tr>
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I don't know anything more now than I did before the MRI, other than to see this image of it. Apparently, a doctor will analyze it today and provide his analysis before sending it to my GI doctor to discuss next steps. I can't imagine that we're just going to do nothing, so I assume the next step will be a biopsy. I've got my follow-up appointment with the doctor next Thursday so we'll see what he says.</div>
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The good news is that my frame of mind is good and I'm feeling fine. If I hadn't ended up in the ER a couple of weekends ago I would never know it was there, so that visit may end up being a blessing in disguise. Regardless - the fact that it's as large as it is seems to indicate that it has been there a while. The next thing is to determine what its intentions are.</div>
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Some that I've shared this with seem to feel that the hormones I've been taking these last 15+ years may play some role in all of the maladies I'm dealing with at the moment. Perhaps, but I don't know that there's any way to definitively know that. And regardless - I'm not planning to stop taking them any time soon. Cut back - maybe - but we'll have that conversation when a doctor who can say with some authority that it would help or not can explain it to me.</div>
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That's all for now. Life goes on. For now. The weekend is upon us and I'm looking forward to spending a couple of days with some dear friends and getting some much-needed "down" time. Somehow I'm thinking that this is the calm before the storm, so I better enjoy it while it lasts.</div>
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Onwards!</div>
Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-45397864356051049302015-05-25T04:14:00.000-07:002015-05-25T04:15:22.634-07:00I'm Back. Again.It's hard to believe it has been 2 months since I've shared here. Part of the reason is totally practical - for some reason they blocked my blog at work. I find that the quietest part of the day is the morning when I first arrive so that's when I'd stop and write something. Well, I can't do that anymore.<br />
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Part of it is that just when I think things are settling down something comes out of nowhere to throw it all out of whack again. That happened recently - more than once, actually. I'm not ready to share all the specifics because I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. <br />
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For some reason I revisited my "original" blog recently. I've been "blogging" for a long time. My first blog entry was June 8, 2004...almost 11 years ago. I could swear it has been longer than that but that's the first "official" entry I could find.<br />
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One page is from 2008, when my puppy Maggie (now curled up next to me) was just a pup. <a href="http://www.donnarose.com/DonnaRoseOrig/Blog.htm" target="_blank">Here it is</a>.<br />
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I look at the various events and people from my life who have led me to where I am now. Some of those people and things have faded away, others have weaved themselves into the fabric of my world, and others have become foundational elements. Good decisions, bad decisions, wisdom (or lack of it) in choosing friends and placing trust, strongly held beliefs that transform themselves into life decisions....they're all part of this tapestry that makes up my life right now.<br />
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All that said - I apologize for being away so long. The story written into my blog is the story of my life, and this is the largest hole in that story that I can remember. Rather than write one long blog entry to try to plug the hole, or leave it unplugged, I'm going to write a number of entries over the coming days to fill in some of the blanks.<br />
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There won't necessarily be a rhyme or reason to them. They won't necessarily be in any order. We'll just wee how this goes.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5RkXpVMmvHojwqOj98yKydP4o307A2JKqDDRbKU0L870_OtkIpkYIWuVsBk2e9BXo3R3myv2kve2KezCAnuMRTSP_OLjjUe7uTV7z6s566Bb5MmA-ZbEUKlJbzg_Gm9hNfmx6xbcOykU/s1600/20150517_220213.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5RkXpVMmvHojwqOj98yKydP4o307A2JKqDDRbKU0L870_OtkIpkYIWuVsBk2e9BXo3R3myv2kve2KezCAnuMRTSP_OLjjUe7uTV7z6s566Bb5MmA-ZbEUKlJbzg_Gm9hNfmx6xbcOykU/s400/20150517_220213.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My ER room - I spent a night of my life here.</td></tr>
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I'll start by sharing that a week ago tonight I was in the Emergency Room at a local hospital for the first time in my life. The thing that put me there was a day full of internal bleeding and intense pain that I just couldn't handle by myself anymore. I had gone to a local Urgent Care clinic and they sent me to the ER.<br />
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The "situation" was a sudden one, that came upon me with no prior warning. I spent all day Saturday in Myrtle Beach with my motorcycle for Bike Week and had a wonderful time. 20 miles into the 3+ hour ride back to Charlotte I was overcome by waves of oddness. I've fainted before and know what it feels like - what I was feeling are the early stages when everything starts to go all white and that high pitch noise starts up. It's dangerous when it happens and you're standing up. It's crazy dangerous when you're heading down the highway on 2 wheels at 65 miles an hour. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The two bikes on the right are my babies. </td></tr>
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I pulled over to the side of the road and collected myself for a few minutes. As I assessed my options the one that seemed best was to find my way home. So, somehow, I did.<br />
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It was only a week ago, but my 12 hours in the ER was surreal. I couldn't change the channel on the TV so it was stuck on the infomercial channel - that would be funny if it weren't also cruel to have to listen to that. They put me on pain meds and antibiotics. They did a CT Scan. They kept me there to make sure the bleeding stopped and I didn't spike a fever....and at 6:30 Monday morning they let me go home.<br />
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The reason I share any of this detail is that the focus of what happened that night changed when they analyzed what they saw on that CT scan. The list of diagnoses included a half dozen things ranging from high white blood cell count to internal bleeding. But the thing that jumps out is that they found a "mass" on my liver.<br />
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When the doctor told me about it she emphasized that they don't know what it is, and it's not necessarily something bad. The first place your mind goes when you hear this kind of thing is the big C - and she said that at this point it's merely something they can't explain that needs further investigation.<br />
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Several years ago I lived in Austin and had a dear friend there. Her name was Julie Nestor. She was a little older than I was and had transitioned there all by herself. After I came out at work one of my lesbian friends had a friend who knew her so they tried to make sure we met one another. We did.<br />
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Anyway, I could fill a number of pages of stories of our adventures. But the one that's important here is an email she wrote me titled "What a life". In it she told me that doctors had identified a "mass" on one of her kidneys and had determined that it was malignant. Within a year she was gone.<br />
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So - when I left the hospital there were 2 different issues....the bleeding (and pain), and the liver mass.<br />
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This past week, when I started feeling a little more human, I went to the GI doctor. We're actively investigating both issues. The most important event in the short term is an MRI of my liver, scheduled for Thursday. <br />
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I can't really say how I feel about that because it's not affecting me right now. I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't gone into the ER. But knowing it's there, and that it shouldn't be there, leads to a whole bunch of other questions running through my head right now.<br />
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I had an investigative internal procedure on Friday and they knocked me out for it. They wheeled me into the procedure room and the anesthesiologist explained that he was going to inject something into the IV. He said it might sting for a few seconds, but then the next thing I'd know it would all be over.<br />
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My mind still clings to the many times I've faced a similar threshold. The first time I had surgery - my tonsils were removed in 1971 - they used ether. I still remember the black mask and watching the room seem to get further and further away, and the voices in the room echo before everything went to black.<br />
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Other similar moments are cherished actually memories. I'll never forget the OR before FFS, and SRS. I made it a point to repeat my wife's name as in hopes that, if something bad happened, she'd be the last thing on my mind. <br />
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Well, this was nothing as complicated or difficult but it showed me how far we've come. I was thrilled to wake up and not be in pain. And I have long since stopped repeating that name. It means nothing to me now.<br />
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So there you have it. I'm feeling better every day...almost 100% again. We still don't know what set it off, what caused it, or what is on my liver. The good news is that we've ruled a number of things out and are narrowing the possibilities. That process continues.<br />
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The mental part of it is big. As I lay in the hospital last week the nurse asked me if I had anyone locally that they could call, or who could pick me up if I needed it. As I thought about it the depressing reality was "no". I really have no friends in Charlotte. I work there. My co-workers and I get along great but we're not on a level where I'd want to share too much personal medical information. For all intents and purposes, I was all alone. And that sucked.<br />
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So -<br />
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Regardless of what happens, I am taking active steps to change that. I need to be around my support network - friends who care about me and who I'd trust to take care of me. I have active support networks in 3 places...the closest of which is Charleston. <br />
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Things are convenient right now. I really don't want to go into details, but if I could sum up my little world in one word that's what I'd use - Convenient. Well, this little episode has reminded me that there are more important things than convenience. <br />
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It has also reminded me to appreciate the people in my world a little more.<br />
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I haven't shared any of this outside of this space. I figure that if you're reading this - especially after my extended absence - we're connected somehow. I need ways to express what's happening and how I'm feeling and this blog has filled that void for a long time. I don't plan for that to change anytime soon.<br />
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I'm also paying more attention to the little things. I'll end with a few pictures I took last Saturday - the day before the "incident" - while in Myrtle Beach. We had been out riding for most of the day and came back to the hotel for a bit of a rest before heading out for dinner. I went for a walk along the beach - the later afternoon sun is wonderful for photography. Anyway - I took a few pictures with my camera I kind of like. So - I'll share them. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The sun rising over Myrtle Beach</td></tr>
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Life is good.</div>
Donnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10695864068826692539noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5667585281200430600.post-29051673055785623322015-03-22T20:23:00.000-07:002015-03-22T20:23:13.105-07:00The World Seems SmallerI'm in Arlington, TX chilling with mom. It's a very pleasant early spring afternoon here and we're in the brief lull between doing afternoon stuff and making dinner. Mom likes the salmon dish I cook and has invited her "man" over to have dinner with us. It has been a pleasant visit so far.<br />
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I went down to Austin yesterday to get my hair done. My dear, dear friend Teresa has done my hair since 2002 and we've qot quite a history together. It was wonderful to see her, and I'm always reminded how much I enjoyed living here when I come back. I think I'll be back the next time I need my hair done...it's as good an excuse as any.<br />
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I jumped on FB briefly and noticed that the Keystone Conference is happening in Harrisburg PA this weekend. I remember attending the first few of them and commenting here how well run it was. It was apparent to me, even then, that smaller regional conferences would eventually take the place of the large national ones. That has proven to be true for a number of reasons. The central PA community is a very supportive place and I couldn't help but smile at one of the photos showing snow falling outside. One year there was a very chilly drizzle...<br />
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The thing I'll always remember, other than some of the great people there, is that the conference often coincided with the state high school wrestling championships. Evenings at the bar or in the lobby were often pretty interesting places to be, where both worlds collided. The good news is that I thinkm general amusement that many of the wrestling folks often showed at the beginning often turned into a more substantive respect by the time the weekend was over. Anyway - for those who went - I hope it's still as healthy and as valuable as ever.<br />
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My most memorable time there was the third year (I think it was the third year) - in 2009. I had just turned 50 and during the battery of tests that typically happen when you pass that milestone they identified what they said was a malignant melanoma on my back. I had made the commitment to speak at the dinner, so I made arrangements to fly out of town on the trip that would eventually end up in the excision of the melanoma the next morning. My niece came with me. I'll never forget it.<br />
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Next topic.... I went to the movies this morning. I saw the 2nd movie in the Divergent series. Based on RottenTomatoes ratings the critics don't seem to like it. But I liked it. It was my kind of movie, and I found it to be a good follow-up to Part 1.<br />
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The reason I mention it here is that afterwards I couldn't help but be struck by some similarities between a main theme, and our unique "gift" of being trans.<br />
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It's about how people get divided into one of six factions based on their personalities and skills. All people find one and only one faction and once that decision is made, that's where they stay. The society in which they live is based upon that faction system for harmony, for peace, for stability, and are simply accepted as the general state of being.<br />
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Some people can't fit into the faction system. Some people straddle more than one of the factions and really don't seem to find a way to fit in, no matter how hard they try. These people are known as Divergent. They are percieved as a threat to the stability of society, and get actively sought out and killed.<br />
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At the end of this movie (spoiler alert) there is a message that the faction system was simply an experiment, and that the future lies in the Divergents.<br />
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That's how I see gender. I see our society as having not 6, but 2 factions. People are assigned to them at birth and once assigned, cannot choose to leave. Some of us can't fit into that structure, however, and are percieved as a threat. We're Divergent. And, we're simply part of the natural order, trying to fit into a system that just doesn't fit.<br />
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I'm under no illusion that outcomes in fiction necessarily predict outcomes in real life. But in this case I'm confident that it's true. <br />
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Anyways - I enjoyed the movie. <br />
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And I enjoyed a couple of the trailers. <br />
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I'm here in Texas for a couple more days. Mom asked me to make salmon for dinner and her man-friend was here as well. It's nice....comfortable, relaxed. I needed this. <br />
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I am also thrilled to see my little man - Cody. Leaving him last month was the source of a significant amount of angst and sadness in my world over these past few weeks. But seeing him again, and how well he is doing, has been good for me.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My mom, in her spring Iris garden.</td></tr>
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There's things that still need some settling when I get back home. But for now....I'm here with mom and the world seems much smaller. And for that - I'm glad. </div>
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