The DonnaBlog

Simple Joys

2012-01-31T08:02:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to update my blog for a while, but the funny thing is....I've just been too busy. Not too busy doing anything in particular. Just busy....doing. And being. I have enjoyed the last week quite a bit. Here's as far as I got last week.....

Thursday 1/26

It was 63 steamy degrees as I made my way to my car at 6:30 this morning. It's supposed to get into the mid 70's today. Again. I don't think it comes as a surprise to anyone that this is my kind of mid-January weather. I wish I had time to be out enjoying it but that's another matter altogether. I have this thing called a job that's keeping me very busy and is actually pretty intense right now. But the good news is that I'm still loving it. I look forward to getting there in the morning, and sometimes I don't get out until after 6 and the day flies by.

Charleston was the only US Mainland destination listed as part of Fodor's Go To List for 2012. It \Sprovides 21 suggested destinations ranging from Paris to Milan to South Korea (see the List here). What's the number one attraction they mention? The food.

Anyway...I dunno why I needed to share that but I obviously did. Next topic....

I'm scheduled to have a root canal tomorrow. It's not really a big deal, but still I can name hundreds if not thousands of things I'd rather be doing. Yuck.

Speaking of Yuck, this legislator in TN who said he'd "stomp a mudhole" in a transperson if they ended up in the bathroom with him, his wife, or his daughter is still at it (see it here). All I can say is that some of us are more than capable of defending ourselves, and I'd love to see the look on his face if he were to have the opportunity to realize that first hand.

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My week has been full of some amazing little moments. I suppose none are special in the bigger picture but somehow, just recognizing them as special makes them so.

I'll share a couple of them: I have come to know the people at the local MAC store and went in for a while on Saturday to do eyes. Makeovers are one of those special things. I don't do them very often, but for some reason this one was particularly so. I can't explain why.... I've made a list of all my MAC "stuff" and came to realize that I don't even know how to use it all. They're helping me, and I'm really enjoying it.

I went for a nice long run over the weekend. It was my first outdoor run in a while. The weather here has been just amazing....sunny, highs in the 60's and low 70's with crispy cool nights. Anyway, while I was running I could see my shadow directly in front of me and my pony tail was wagging back and forth to my gait. I've seen that in others, but never in myself. It was cool.

I spent a late Sunday afternoon before wrestling practice walking around The Citadel campus. It's a very pretty place, and I took some nice photos.

I could go on, but in the end it's all just trivial stuff special to nobody but me. And it is still special.

The week has had some less than wonderful moments, too. I need a root canal, and I'm headed to the dentist later in the week for that. After wrestling last night I was absolutely exhausted - I've been doing 6 minute matches and was disappointed about how things unfolded. I stopped at one of my usual restaurants downtown afterwards for a medicinal glass of wine and a shrimp cocktail. By the time I got home I felt better.

I attended a big-deal all-day resource planning meeting for work today. There were twenty of us in the room. Only two of us were women. I notice these things, and it rocks.

I weighed myself today. The last Olympic Qualifier tournament is 2 months from tomorrow and it's time to start the unnatural process of getting down to my competition weight. Today's weigh in was not pleasant, but I suppose it wasn't a surprise either. Regardless, I'll be where I need to be when I need to be there.

I watched the movie "The Time Traveller's Wife" on DVD. It was ok, but I'm glad I didn't go see it in the theater.

I haven't been online much which is probably a good thing. The more I'm out doing stuff, the less I'm in front of a computer. That's just a good thing.

My friend Michele Angello asked me to do a little video for a class she's teaching back in 2007 or so (it's on YouTube).

Well, she called over the weekend and asked if I could do an update. So, on my way to work this morning - I did. Nothing profound other than my ability to talk and drive at the same time, but I think it's interesting to compare...

What I suppose I'm trying to say by sharing any of this is that life feels as though it has found a pretty good groove and I'm very aware of simple things going on.

While my Simple Joy week has been going on I've noted more than once (partially due to people writing about it on FB) that the Creating Change Conference has been going on in Baltimore. It brings together ~3,000 LGBTQIAA activists of all kinds from all over the country and has become THE place to come to learn to create change. I've only attended twice, and I suppose I create change in my own way.

The reason I mention it is that what I'll call "formal" activism isn't part of my life balance any more. I'm not on any boards. I don't attend conference calls. I don't go to conferences unless I have a reason to be there. The notion of goind to "see and be seen" escapes me at this point. I really have no formal ties to anything and, in fact, decided a while ago that the best thing I can do to further the message that a fulfilling, sane, happy life IS possible is by actually living one. That's what I'm trying to do....

Wicked is coming to town and I can't say the last time I saw a play but the cost of a ticket is about the same as the cost of a good pair of biking shorts. Life is very much about trade-offs, and I'm very comfortable with the ones I've made lately. :)

Weekend TAT (This and That)

2012-01-22T04:14:00.000-08:00

Saturday 4:30pm:

It's Saturday. A weekend. And as I sit here typing this afternoon over lunch at my favorite local pub I'm contemplating the next couple of days I realize that there is no urgency to do anything. I have to admit, it's a little unnerving. These kinds of days don't come along for me very often.

That doesn't mean I don't have anything to do. I've made arrangements for a wrestling sparring session a little later afternoon. I'd like to go to the movies, and I've already been to the gym. I made some travel arrangements that needed to be made. I plan to watch some football tomorrow. Syracuse is playing later this evening in case I find myself near a TV. But honestly, that's it.

The South Carolina Republican Primary is happening here today. Finally. Thank God. Maybe there will be an opportunity to watch a half hour of TV without some one of these buffoons slapping each other down in the never-ending stream of ads. It still amazes me that this is the way our country does politics in the 21st century. Anyway....

There was an article in the NY Times on Thursday that I found amusing, and true. It's about South Carolina and the spotlight we're in right now thanks to the Primary (read it here).

Given the conservative nature of the state I have to admit initial skepticism and surprise upon learning that South Carolina is offering an Equality license place (story here) to support LGBT Rights. Someone wrote and asked if I plan to put one on my car. The short answer is no - I have a general aversion to paying extra for license plates in general. If there was any license plate I would have paid for over the years it was a Buffalo Bills license plate in NY, but I just put whatever I'm compelled to do on the car and that's that. Anyway, kudos to the state for making this available.

Change of topic....I mentioned that I've been enjoying Charleston Restaurant Week. It ends tomorrow. This area is truly blessed as having an abundance of culinary options as options. I noticed that OpenTable compiled a list of the 100 favorite restaurants of 2011 and six of them are here in Charleston. That's amazing. But it's true. We've got food food here so if anyone reading this finds their way here let's meet out for dinner. :)

And good schools. The College of Charleston is a beautiful place with a very good reputation. I've thought for a long time that I'd enjoy going back to school again but the problem is that I don't know what I'd go there to do. Early in life going to college was the means to an end. Despite the fact that I didn't end up in a career that was consistent with my degree that was the goal at the time. And I met my ex- there. But now I'm almost at the age where some are getting ready to retire and I'm very happy with my career right now. Not sure what I'd do there, but it's something that's in the back of my mind that I expect to at least investigate before next year.

I went out to dinner with a friend last night, and we had a good chat about Friendship. We've been friends for a long time and I suppose when you've been around each other as much as we have the resilience of the friendship has been forged thru the travails that life experience. The tide of any relationship comes in and goes out, and in some cases the relationship itself drifts away. I'm thankful to have a handful of relationships that remain constant.

Sunday 6am:

Well - I didn't post this so I may as well add a bit...

Since I wrote this yesterday Newt won the SC Primary, Syracuse lost, and my wrestling session was cancelled. I went to see "Haywire" last night (see trailer here). It was absolutely bad-ass. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

It has quite the star-studded cast. Michael Douglas. Antonio Bandaras. Ewan McGregor. Bill Paxton. But there's no question that the focus of the movie is on newcomer Gina Carano and, in this viewers humble opinion, she's a natural. I expect that this will the the first of many of these kinds of movies for her, and I'll be honest that I'm already looking forward to her next effort.

Gina Carano is like a female Jason Bourne (and I LOVE that trilogy). Her performance in this movie embodies all the things I'd like to achieve in my own sense of self as a woman - strong, confident, physical, capable but feminine and vulnerable at the same time. There's a scene where they tell her to be "eye candy" with another agent at a party and she complains that she doesn't wear a dress, but when she does - wow (see this!).

One of the things that struck me is that she's really the only woman in the entire movie. Anywhere. She's surrounded by guys in every single scene but there's no doubt who's in charge here. And I enjoy the way the focus on her face. When she's running. Even when she's fighting. She's tremendously expressive, and you can feel her character so much more thru her face. The entire first 5 minutes of the movie is already online (see it here) - just watch her face and you'll see what I mean.

The fight scenes are pretty brutal, but not "avert-your-eyes" bad. When she kicked a guy through a glass door I found myself audibly saying "Whoa!". But let's be honest, this film isn't intended to be anything more than it appears to be - an intense action flick. And I enjoyed it more than Mission Impossible so in my view, it succeeds.

This is Gina's first movie. She's a women's MMA fighter turned actress and her unique pedigree is oh-so-evident from the very beginning. The first time I saw her was in an off-the-wall interview posted online where a very uncomfortable interviewer asked her if she'd ever fight a transsexual (about 2 minutes into this).

Anyway. I enjoyed the movie. I'm already looking forward to buying the Blu-Ray...

It probably says something about my tastes that I enjoy this kind of movie far more than something deeper, artsier, or more affecting. But for me to pretend otherwise would be disingenuous. The funny thing is, the movie opens this weekend and there were less than a dozen people in the theater on a Saturday night. Fine by me. All the more space to stretch out in.

I don't go to the movies all that much so when I go there needs to be a compelling reason that motivates me to go rather than wait for the film to come out on DVD. I won't go see horror films of any kind. Never, no-way. I don't pay to go to the movies to have nightmares. Romantic comedies are ok so long as there's more comedy than romance. I'm not feeling the romance thing right now and don't need to be reminded of it in the movies. Sci-fi is iffy - has to have adventure. Comedies work for me but I don't like stuff too simple or too high-brow. Kids movies usually work well for me too - looking forward to Finding Nemo in 3D.

Sometimes movies resonate with me. Like "Up in the Air" or "Azatar" or "The Matrix" and I can watch them over and over. If they hit too close to home I often close my eyes...I just do. Movies can make me cry at the most surprising times and I actually learn quite a bit about myself that way. But the overriding factor that compels me to spend good $$$ to go to a theater to watch a movie is the entertainment value. Haywire was 10 out of 10 for me in that regard.

Decisions we make or don't make can provide insight into what's important in our lives. For example, it's probably also telling that I'd also rather spend money on electronics than jewelry. I saw a $2,000 watch at Costco yesterday and couldn't help but equate that to the price of a half-decent digital SLR camera, a large HDTV, a good bike, or an iMac. I won't scrimp when it comes to getting my hair done so I'll pay $150+ for a cut and color with someone I trust before I'll splurge in other places. I'm a loyal consumer in some things - for example MAC make-up and Costco. Anyway....I'm fairly consistent in some aspects of my life if nothing else.

Other topics:

In Massachusetts the Governor had a ceremonial signing of the recently passed Transgender Rights Bill there. There's an effort to pass similar legislation in Maryland, and as always it's facing opposition because of the "Bathroom Issue". The Montgomery County Police Chief refuted allegations that anything inappropriate has happened involving trans people in bathrooms since passing protections in that county last year(see it here), and it's refreshing to see facts being used to combat these unfounded fear-based allegations. There's an excellent piece by Autumn Sandeen on the "Bathroom thing" (read it here) as it is often used as ammunition to deny rights.

As for me - I'm headed off to make a nice breakfast, do some laundry, get to the gym for a run, catch up on some "stuff", and then settle in to watch some football. It's a wonderful way to spend a Sunday.

Head, Heart, Spirit

2012-01-19T10:37:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. I haven't had time over the last several days to get to the gym and I'm not quite sure if that's a symptom or a cause. I've got plans for this evening so I made a specific effort to get up early and go to the gym first thing, before work. Ugh.

I'm not a morning person. It's not that I'm grouchy or even unproductive in the mornings so much as I really don't like significant physical exertion while it's still dark outside. My body (and my mind) generally needs to get warmed up a bit before doing that. Prime fitness time for me is anywhere between 10am - 5pm. Typically - lunch works well. But these days my schedule is such that there is no opportunity to fit it in so it's gotta happen before work or after work. I expect to do the morning routine more regularly as perhaps that'll make it so it's not so painful...

I went to the dentist yesterday. I need a root canal. And a crown. Oh joy. Neither is really a surprise, but that doesn't make it any more pleasant. Any idea how much those things cost? Ridiculous amounts of cash. Getting this unpleasantness done is on my horizon.... Yuck

The South Carolina Republican Primary happens on Saturday. There's another in the seemingly endless parade of debates here in Charleston this evening. One of the ironies is that Rick Perry declared his candidacy here in Charleston a few months ago to great fanfare. Today he was in the state again when he announced that he is withdrawing (details). Shocker there. But it has practical implictions to the dynamics of what's happening (Romney Lead At Risk...) right now.

The city is clogged with candidates stumping for support (schedule of who is where). As for me - I'm considering going the the Stephen Colbert rally at the University of Charleston tomorrow afternoon (details). That might be amusing. Stephen Colbert lives in the area so it's not difficult for him to get here. There aresome interesting/amusing numbers involving the enigmatic Mr. C - see them here.

In my work world - busy busy busy. Without sharing too much detail I'm an IT Project Manager in a huge program to replace the infrastructure upon which healthcare services will be built in a very large Federal organization for the next 10 or so years. It's big stuff...very interesting, very challenging, lots of visibility and pressure, good people. I'm loving it.

I had a team from one of our software partners in town earlier this week so we had an entire day of planning/discussion. Then - out for dinner. That's how it works. We went to a nicer downtown sushi restaurant. I'm a relative neophyte when it comes to sushi and sushimi, but everything we had was wonderful. It was a long day - got there to set-up for the meetings before 8 and didn't get home until almost 11pm. No wonder I haven't had time to get to the gym...

Speaking of loving it, and food, I'm very much enjoying Charleston Restaurant Week. I've eaten at several of the restaurants already and have reservations for tonight and tomorrow before it ends on Sunday. There are a few places downtown where I'm enough of a "regular" to know people on a first-name basis and actually gave one person enough information to Google me. I suspect that I'll prorbably know if and when he does....

I watched the movie "Source Code" last night. Interesting....and enjoyable. I'm thinking of going to the movies this weekend. We'll see how it unfolds.

That's really all I've got for today. I'm in a generally good place in most respects - head, heart, and spirit are all doing well. I can see me moving away from some aspects of the past to embrace other elements of a future I'm hoping to build. And, for the first time in a long time, I'm thinking about long-term plans. Go figure....

One last thing - I've been listening to the music of Matt Nathanson on Spotify lately. Here's a song that I'll often replay more than once for some reason...

Reactions

2012-01-14T19:18:00.000-08:00

My reactions to things sometimes surprise myself.

I was at the Apple Store yesterday for a One-on-One appointment to migrate my MobileMe account to iCloud. I explained to the person I was with some of my concerns and we were working hard to make sure they didn't happen. She had a question for one of the other guys who came over and started to try to take over. In the process he started making happen everything I had said I wanted to avoid. I raised my voice. He got snippy. I told him I wanted him to stop what was happening because it was messing things up. He went away. And in the emotion of the moment it became apparent what was going to happen. I was going to start to cry.

I averted it at the last minute, but the woman who was originally helping me could tell I was upset. She treated me gently and got things back on track. By the time we eventually finished up - I was feeling a bit better. I don't get that way very often and I'm not sure how or why I did last night....Hormones? Full moon?

A little later I went out to dinner at one of my favorite local restaurants. They're having one of the special meals as part of local Restaurant Week. I had one of the best steaks I've had in a long, long, long time. I had some wonderful red wine. And I had a delightful time with a guy I've met there several times before. He makes me smile. He's intelligent. And all I can say is that I may make another trip back there next week in hopes he'll be there...

All things considered, the evening was a roller coaster.

Today: I went to a see a therapeutic massage specialist. I've got a number of aches and body issues that I've been wanting to talk with someone about. I wasn't looking for a nice, gentle, massage with water flowing, soothing quiet music, and scented candles. I was looking to identify body misalignment issues, some relief, and some longer term strategies. I was looking for someone to work me over a bit. Thankfully, I got all the above.

If you've never had your body analyzed by a sports physiologist, it's an interesting experience. One side is more flexible than another. One hip is naturally higher than another. The skeleton tries to compensate, and causes other problems. And in the end, like so many things, you end up treating the symptoms and not the root cause.

So now my back and shoulders are (temporarily) looser, we've identified a number of body issues and exercises to address them, and I'll hope this is the start of more regular opportunities to work this stuff.

Other topics:

Work It, The horrible TV show that has been causing a fuss lately, has been cancelled after 2 episodes (details here). That's no surprise, as the show was universally panned (see the Hollywood Reporter story). What's also not a surprise is the high-fiving, fist bumping, and self-congratulating by trans and LBGT activists thinking that they had something to do with this outcome. In my own humble opinion - they/we did not. It wasn't pressure that killed it, it was the nature of commercial broadcasting in general. Bad show = horrible reviews = low ratings = low advertising revenue = quick death. When a show is called "Awful and Embarrassing" by respected, influential industry publications it's only a matter of time before the inevitable happens.

Regardless of whether or not it had anything to do with the cancellation, I think the general public outcry was good team-building and something to feel good about. But that's as far as I'd go with it. Just saying....

In Houston, trans widow Nikki Araguz was jailed by the judge for being late to her sentence hearing for stealing a watch (details here). What concerns me more than her self-inflicted problems is a sentence buried near the end of the story:

Araguz, who has agreed to participate in a documentary about that lawsuit and a proposed reality show, will stay behind bars without bail for two weeks.

All I can say is that I hope the documentary in question never sees light of day, and that any reality show is similarly preempted. I'm more than fairly confident that neither would be good for anyone, including Nikki.

While I'm on the topic of TV - you should see all the Republican TV ads running here in South Carolina. Every ad is either one candidate ripping the crap out of another, or claiming to be the best opportunity to beat Obama. It'd all be laughable if it weren't actually serious. There's a Republican debate here in Charleston on Friday. As for me, all I know is that I'm planning to go see Haywire next weekend....

Wine and cheese tonight as I watch football. I have no strong feelings about who wins or loses. But the early game today was amazing.....

Friday follies...

2012-01-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

The Hair Goddess is a fickle diety. Sometimes she blesses your hair and things just somehow seem to magically fall into place. More often, though, she's got a nasty streak going. Things either start out funky or get funky at some point during the day. You can do the exact same thing on two separate days - same product, same styling tools, same everything - but the end result can be very different. Whether she makes things perfect or turns things into a rat's nest seems to have no rhyme or reason but most of us know it's true. Anyway - that's a long way to share that today is a good hair day in Donna's world.

It doesn't happen all that often, but I decided to try to take a photo to capture it. I actually took a couple, and uploaded one of them to FB. Here's the other one. I originally thought to delete it because it's out of focus but I like it better than the other one so I'll share it. Anyway, this is me right now....

Back to hair: Sometimes no matter what you do to fix it, you just make things worse. So at some point it becomes easier to just more effective to put it up in a clip or into a pony tail. If you see me on a workday and I've got either of those things in my hair you'll know that the day most likely started with styling issues. For a long time I had relatively short hair so it wasn't nearly as hard to style. But the probability that the hair goddess will lay an egg on your head on any given day seems to be directly proportional to the length of your hair.

Certainly, weather has something to do with it. My hair very much loved Arizona as the lack of humidity provided more opportunities for better hair. Similarly, here in South Carolina it can be pretty humid during the summer so not matter what you do by the time you go outside you've got a wild, frizzy mess on your hands. Anyway - back to the point - today is a good day. I don't have anything big planned but I appreciate these days when they happen.

A few interesting updates this morning...

The Girl Scout thing continues to expand (see latest here). There's a "response" video to the original post that seems to be getting quite a bit of play:

On a separate but related topic: I've got a dear friend here in Charleston who has a daughter in Girl Scouts. If you'd like to buy cookies through me let me know. I'm happy to both help her out, and do my part....

A bill has been introduced in the Tennessee General Assembly specifically aimed at keeping transpeople out of bathrooms. It refines wording of the existing statute by declaring that a person must use the bathroom of the gender matching their birth certificate (see additional detail here). Furthermore, Tennessee is one of the states that won't allow transpeople to change their birth certificates so the entire issue becomes problematic.

This is hateful legislation. It is a law that has no reason to be. It's not in response to anything, it doesn't solve any percpeptible problem, and it's clearly one legislator's misguided and thinly veiled effort to solve a problem that doesn't exist. Given Tennessee's current record for LGBT-phobia it becomes part of a number of stupid, misguided bills being floated as "laws". But make no mistake - it is specifically aimed at keeping transpeople out of bathrooms.

I have no friggen' clue how they think they'd enforce this thing even if it did pass. How many people carry their birth certificates with them? And the fine even if they could enforce it is only $50 so it's not like this is a felony. But the intention is bigger picture - to put a law on the books and set a precedent that somehow implies that transpeople are dangerous in bathrooms. That kind of thing has larger implications.

One of the things I find disturbing is that there will be transpeople who will support this bill. There are people who can somehow rationalize that, "Gee, of course we need to keep people who don't have the appropriate documentation out of bathrooms so this is a good idea." For anyone who feels that way - you're certainly free to have that opinion. But my own opinion is that ANYONE who supports this - trans or not - is as misguided as this bill is.

Here's an update on the bill from this morning (see it here). It lost one of its sponsors and will most likely die. But the idiot who submitted the bill in the first place....he's a piece of work. If you had any doubt about his intentions, read this and look at the embedded video. All I can say is that pity this fool if he even raised his ignorant voice at a transperson when I was around. He's not the only one who can stomp a mudhole.

Next topic: I had someone write to me (a guy) who indicated that he was attracted to the notion of meeting and dating a post-op transwomen. Over the course of a couple of days we exchanged emails back and forth and this person seemed genuinely surprised when I told him that transfans were generally not held in high esteem in the community. I told him that most post-op transwomen I know who are interested in guys would not be interested in a guy who was specifically attracted to the fact that she was trans. Anyway - it's an interesting dynamic but it's very true.

There was an interesting workshop to discuss this at SCC a few years ago. And it's a shame because some of the guys I've met who attracted to transwomen are really, really nice guys. But some of them are pretty creepy, too. Like many things everyone gets lumped together and the general stereotype is not a flattering one so the good ones need to work harder to overcome that.

My first experience with a guy was with someone named Ralph in the early days of my transition, and my memories of him continue to be wonderful. I suppose by most definitions he was a fan because Lord knows I wasn't the first nor the last transwoman in his world. But he was the most patient, gentle, loving, knowing, caring man I've ever been with. Ever. And if someone like him came into my life again I'd be open to getting to know him. I just would. But the point is that I'd be a hypocrite to somehow imply that every man who's interested in transwomen is somehow tainted. I know from experience it's not true. He was the first man with whom I had sex post-op, he helped me to learn some important things about myself, and he set the bar very high for every other man after him. Ralph rocks.

Anyway - I'm not quite sure how I got from hair to news to guys, but there you have it. What have I got planned for the weekend? I'm taking a training course all three days of the long weekend from 8-4 which is a bit of a drag. It's Restaurant week here in Charleston so I'm planning to try a couple of restaurants I've been wanting to sample. Football playoffs are happening. I've got an appointment with a therapeutic massage therapist to help work out some of the knots in my back and shoulders. I'll be at the gym a couple of times, and wrestling on Monday. I've got an appointment at the Apple Store. So - no shortage of things going on with me this weekend. The bigger problem is how to fit them all in....

The Drum Beats On

2012-01-11T13:44:00.000-08:00

My neck hurts. Not just right now at this very second, but generally speaking all the time, every day. There's one specific spot high up where the skull connects with the spine, only on the left side, that's been a problem for a while. It causes me pain when I look over my shoulder, or when I look down for too long (ie doing Sudoku puzzles on an airplane), and certainly when I wrestle. I don't think it's anything specific to my neck getting hurt at the World Team Trials a couple of years ago so much as simply one of those aches and pains that seems to generally come with getting older.

I usually don't pay much attention to it. I've learned to live with it. I've come to expect when it's going to crack or when I need to move slower because there's a "crick" there. Still, it doesn't slow me down all that much and I don't pay it too much attention except perhaps when I'm on the wrestling mat.

Friends have told me for years I should go see a Chiropractor to "align" my back. I've never been to one and perhaps that's something I should consider. We'll see.

I suppose in the bigger picture it's one of those symbolic things, too. How many of us have these kinds of chronic aches (physical, mental, emotional, or all the above) that we just accept and live with? Sometimes we just deal with it as best we can and the only time we give it much thought is when it flares up worse than usual, or if we get too many of them piled up at the same time. I'd argue that my gender "gift" was one of those things for a long time - it was always there, it was always a "bother", it sometimes flared to the point where I had to do someting. But eventually, something changed and I couldn't ignore it any more.

Anyway - I digress.

Back to my neck..... My wrestling coach here is a heavyweight. By heavyweight, I mean he's a big guy. We were working out Monday night and I did a move that ended up pulling him onto me. In the process of being crushed I felt this big "crack" in my neck and I stopped for a moment thinking I'd done something to make the situation worse. But as I sit here this morning I'm both surprised and relieved to admit that since it happened - it feels a lot better! I don't think my relief is permanent as it felt better yesterday than today, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Speaking of pain in the neck, I'm sure I'm not the only one already tired of the 2012 Political Circus known as the Elections. Watching the clowns in the Republican Party has been admittedly amusing, but it's a little scary to realize that some people actually take them seriously. The next key primary is here in South Carolina in a couple of weeks and they've already started criss-crossing the state to do speaking, polluting the airwaves with their commercials, filling the sides of the roads with signs, and generally taking control of things for a while. Yuck. This is a "conservative" state so they've got quite a few people willing to listen.

I appreciate that some who read this may actually be Republican and I respect that. All I can say is let's not talk politics because the platform of "Anyone but Obama" is not a platform the same as "Anything but a Republican" isn't either. But the cross-section of social, religious, and financial conservatism that passes itself off as Republican political dogma these days is fundamentally contrary to everything I believe in and support. As I said in an earlir post I'll do what I can to make sure that President Obama gets 4 more years to finish his work. Getting through these next several months leading to the elections are going to be hard to take, though.

Some things never die...

The had of ABC Entertainment said he doesn't get why "Work It" is being assailed by transpeople as being harmful to transpeople (read here). That's obvious - since someone should have stopped this mess from ever being produced in the first place.

There's still continuing conversation about a recent New Zealand tampon ad. Here's a recent perspective (read it here). One transwoman wrote an op/ed piece explaining why she found it offensive (read here). For the record - I personally thought the ad was actually kinda creative and wasn't bothered in the least by it. But then again, perhaps I've got a unique sense of humor. :)

And lastly for today, there's more backlash against the Girl Scouts for it's supportive policy on admitting trans kids. One girl is getting publicity by putting a video on YouTube calling for a national boycott of Girl Scout Cookies because of it (see here). Oy.

And...the drum beats on.....

The Tune Ends Too Soon

2012-01-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

As I type this I'm listening to Rush. Not Rush the conservative moron. Rush the band.

Specifically, I'm listening to "Time Stand Still" from the new DVD from the tour my brother and I attended last year. And I'm not simply listening as my hand and feet are going so I'm actively involved in the thing. God....this song rocks me. I've replayed it a half dozen times so far, and I have no problem replaying it another half dozen times before I'm done tonight.

Some have told me that Rush is a "guy" band. Yawn. I'm listening to it thru my THX certified speakers, with a subwoofer thumping, and the place is thumping hard. It's the perfect way to end a very pleasant weekend.

The lyrics to this song - btw - have had special meaning for me for as long as I can remember. I can think back to being with my "big sister" Kate in San Francisco listening to it as we drove along the coast. Great memories.

One final observation before I move on.... I was jamming to the song "FreeWill" (see it here) a bit ago. If you watch it - check out the solos that begin about 3 minutes into it. These guys are amazing musicians, and if you ever see them live it's crazy to think that 3 guys make all that sound. They are without question one of rock music's all-time greatest bands but they have never gotten the respect they deserve. But here they are - all these years later (the first time I saw them was 1977) - and they're absolutely incredible. They don't make musicians like this any more....honestly. They are truly dinosaurs - a dying breed.

Someone posted an interesting article on FaceBook. It says a recent study indicates that "48% of gay men would sacrifice a year or more of their lives in exchange for a perfect body." (See the original article here). The resulting feedback is generally pretty negative....

I find that interesting. It says that the percentage of non-gay men who feel similarly is half that.
The question I've got is who says that the ultimate metric of life is how long it is? I still don't get that. I'd argue that each of us is trapped in this thing we call a body so getting it to a point where we're comfortable in it for the duration of our time here isn't necessarily a trivial or simply superficial thing.

What if they were to do a study to report a finding of clinically obese people who'd take a year or more off their lives for a "perfect" body? Or people with some sort of birth defect? Or - and perhaps most pertinent to my own situation - transsexuals?

When I was wheeled into the OR for my SRS way back in 2000 I was absolutely ready for that day to be my last day. I was very much at peace with that possibility, and I accepted that every day subsequent to that would be a gift. If I took a year, or two, or ten off the duration of my life I'm ok with it. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I'd go a step further. If a doctor tried to get me to stop taking hormones based on some life-risk - not gonna happen. It's not negotiable. I'm a lifer.

My own holy trinity of mind-body-spirit is very much in alignment these days and after 40 years of NOT the serenity that comes with getting here and being here is very much part of the joy of life. My biggest complaint these days is the my neck gets sore easily, that my joints click and make odd noises sometimes, and that I'm getting wrinkles in places that I'd rather not. But otherwise - that's it.

Frankly, I think doing what I've done has added years but that doesn't matter. I'm ok with it either way.

Back to this thing called life...

When I was a teenager I had two favorite bands. The first concert I ever attended was Jethro Tull, and I followed Ian Anderson and his merry gang through Thick as a Brick. And, Rush.

I really enjoy seeing these artists now. They've aged (so have I). They've matured (so have I). And in some ways so has their music.

Something I've come to understand is that music has always had a profound effect on my life. It is, in a way, the backdrop of my world. It puts things into context. The lyrics were always as important a component of the song to me continue to play that significant role. I'll end tonight by sharing another song - a Jethro Tull one - that fits into this notion of life, living, and then moving on.

Life's a long song. But the tune ends too soon for us all. Amen.

Dancing, or Something Like It.....

2012-01-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

One of the things I've wanted to do for several years is to take dance lessons. I've never had anyone "lead" me, and dancing formally like that doesn't come naturally to me, but it's something I'd like to learn how to do. My neice is getting married this summer and both she and her fiancee are taking dance lessons already to prepare for the wedding which got me thinking about it....

Well, today's Groupon is a significant savings on some dance lessons. So, I signed up. I'm actually pretty jazzed about it. I have no misconceptions about any innate sense of grace or femininity that I may or may not have. But it doesn't matter - I'm doing it for fun.

Yesterday I went to have my new road bike "fitted". It's quite the detailed thing, from measuring the angle of your leg at the furthest point from the saddle (supposed to be 30 degrees) to ensure the seat is the right height, to changing out the spacer bar and the handlebars to ensure you're not overextending your body, to getting used to clipping into and out of the pedals. It took two full hours and was wonderfully informative....it makes a big difference.

So - today is Friday. It was allegedly a "short" week but doesn't feel that way for some reason. The weather here is looking stellar - sunny with highs near 70 - so I'm planning as many outdoor things for the next couple of days as I can. This kind of weather in early January is just too amazing to waste so I envision a visit to the beach, some bike riding, a good run, a pedicure, and some photography in my near future.

That's it for today - short and sweet. I'm heading out to go to the gym before it gets too crowded there (the New Years Resolution crowd gets pretty thick after work) and then off for a half decent dinner. And a glass of wine. That's the extent of my Friday night craziness.

Happy weekend!

Gettin' Ready to Rumble

2012-01-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

It was 19 degrees when I woke up this morning. I wore my most warm coat to work, a Columbia ski jacket with a zip-in inner jacket. Thankfully I don't get an opportunity to wear it all that often, but it did the trick today. Nice and toasty.

I mentioned that "Work It" was debuting last night. Imade the observation that everything about it looked horrible - not simply because it was disgusting but because it seemed to lack anything worthwhile whatsoever. Including humor. Early reviews are now kind. One review is headlined "Work It Is Officially the Worst Show on Television". If it didn't suck it might survive more than a handful of episodes but it does so it won't. I'd be surprised if more than 10 of these ever see light of day. Buh-bye....And good riddance.

Another thing that was on TV last night that would be seriously funny if it weren't so serious: the Iowa Republican Caucus. The most vile of an upleasant group - Rick Santorum - was a co-winner. Watching this gang fall all over each other has certainly been entertaining but the thought that any of them being in a position to lead this country is scary. As far as I'm concerned, every fair-minded person needs to re-double their commitment to making sure President Obama has the opportunity to continue in that capacity. I certainly can't speak for anyone else, but I'm already getting involved and I look forward to the opportunity at hand.

A couple of things...

I became a Spotify Premium member recently and between that, Pandora, and Apple's new music service I may never buy another song again. Spotify has a huge collection of albums so I can listen to whatever I want without having to own it or get tired of it. I can cache songs or entire albums/playlists locally to listen to while I'm on a plane or something. Anyway - it's worth $10/month to me. I listen to it every day so I certainly get my money's worth. They've got a free trial going on but be forwarned that once you start you may find yourself getting hooked like I did.

Tonight I'm working with a wrestling coach at a local Academy that until relatively recently didn't even admit women. In my list of "firsts" it probably won't be at the top of the list, but it's certainly not something that's passing unnoticed by yours truly. The best part of doing "stuff" is the door it often opens to do other things. That has been true in my activism, in my athletics, in my career, in my photograph, in ways too numerous to count. Anyway - it's pretty cool.

In a very sad situation - it was announced today that Kodak is facing Chapter 11 (details here). For those of us who spent a long time in Rochester it's like watching a friend pass away. Kodak has been an institution in Rochester for a hundred years, and workers there had been able to count on their annual bonus and a regular paycheck year in and year out - from generation to generation to generation. Kodak is part of the fabric of the city, and watching how it has declined in recent years to this almost inevitable reality has been difficult.

I've worked on contracts at Kodak so I've been part of that family. The buildings that comprise Kodak Part are truly landmarks, and the little internal city that was Kodak Park included a bus route, a fire department, and all the other services you'd find in a small town. The Kodak building downtown is a key jewel in the Rochester skyline.

When I worked there Kodak had their hands in lots of things. Chemicals. Medical Devices. Motion Pictures. Copiers. And, of course, cameras and film. As others have supplanted them from their leadership position they've gradually sold off one business after another in order to curb expenses and focus on their core business. And now - there's nothing more to sell except their patents.

This is as much about change as anything, and realization that things that were great can eventually die. Who knows what the future holds for the company, but it means change for Rochester - and not simply the 7,000 local employees. I lived in Rochester for 15 years. So despite the fact that it's almost a thousand miles away - I feel it.
Gotta go get ready to rumble.

Resolve

2012-01-03T14:48:00.000-08:00

Well hello, 2012. You're colder than I expected....

As I sit and type this I'm looking out over late afternoon traffic in what appears to be a bright, pleasant sunset. What the scene doesn't reflect is the cold wind that has taken over, and that temperatures here in Charleston fell from the 70's over the weekend to the high 30's and low 40's today. Currently the wind-chill makes it feel like the upper 20's. I'm not saying that to whine (especially given the fact that the current temperature in Rochester is 10 degrees) so much as to share that things aren't always as serene as they might appear.

I like that word. Serene. A sense of peace, or calm. It comes around every once in a while, but like the tides it's elusive and makes itself scarce again.

In one of my posts from last week I mentioned that I had chatted with a guy from CNN for a story he was writing about the CNN Dialogues event we did in Atlanta a couple of weeks ago. The article is up and online now (read it here). I do wish that they'd post some of the video from it - I'm told it'll be coming but nothing yet....

The crux of his questioning, and what he eventually used as his title, was my statement that the LGBT community isn't necessarily a community. At least not in the way we're most often portrayed. It came as a surprise to him that some/many who self-identify as trans have encountered issues of acceptance with LGB people. I certainly have. And sometimes it's simply ignorance and the lack of opportunity to be around us but sometimes there's more to it.

BTW thanks to a friend on FB for this cartoon...

I'm a big believer in "community" and it'd be disingenuous of me to say I don't think the letters belong together because I do. But I like the way this reporter put it: LGB and T. I suppose some would be offended because the T was being kept outside of the 3 other letters. But frankly, I think it's more representative of how things really are.

Speaking of ignorance...an ABC show titled "Work It" is scheduled to debut this evening. It looks like a crude, disgusting version of Bosom Buddies from the 80s without any of that show's good nature or humor. There has been quite the uproar about it in recent weeks, and tonights the night that it finally makes it's debut. Yuck. (link here)

In a similar theme: News today that a New Zealand tampon company pulled what has been attacked as a "transphobic" commercial featuring a draq queen and what appears to be a cisgender woman primping in a bathroom....

Both are stereotypical representations. Both pander to the age-old, dead-but-never-gone, men-in-dresses theme. And, both are offensive to some/many.

Should either of them be "banned"? Heck no. We're not talking about terrorism here. And I daresay that all the hoopla about "Work It" is far more than it deserves - it looks horrible in every aspect. But if it's funny and it sells product, it will endure. That's the nature of the beast.

I'll admit that I smiled when I watched the tampon ad, and I personally don't consider it transphobic (at least by my definition). Where is that line? I really don't know, and I expect it's different in each of us. But I can't help but wonder what would have happened if my favorite Holiday Inn Super Bowl commercial were released today. Would it be attacked as "transphobic", too? Even after all these years, it still makes me smile at the end....

What about this commercial for Coors?

It that "transphobic" too? What the difference?

Or, this one....

I could see some humor in the first couple.....but not the last one.

Needless to say, I won't be watching "Work It" tonight. I'm headed off to the gym to get back on the wagon. My eating binge came to an end as of this morning, and so did my "vacation" from working out. I've been off for a week and I can feel it. I'm hoping that a good run on the treadmill is just what the doctor ordered.

I'm expecting it to be busy over at the gym. People make their New Year's Resolutions and it often involves getting in shape or losing weight. For as long as I can remember fitness centers get clogged during the first few weeks of the year while people still have their new-found resolve. But by mid-February it'll be over. It always is.

I have a couple of resolutions myself. Actually, they're more like things to do, or improve on. One guy on The Today Show said that it was far more effective to come up with weekly resolutions than annual ones as people tend to forget them over time. Well, I'll try to remind myself of a few of these things regularly. We'll see if they're still in effect by mid-February....

Oh - I watched 60 Minutes this weekend and there was a segment on this guy who climbs/scales things without topes. It was amazing. Watch it if you have a few minutes to spare. (see it here).

Day One

2012-01-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

This should be short and sweet:

Today was 1/1. The first day of the first month of the year. Funny - but it felt pretty much like any other day.

Raucous New Years Eve celebrations in my world are a thing of the past, and last night was no different. I can't for the life of me imagine heading out into the general craziness that seems to be so widespread around this single event. Quiet times with friends, or even not even staying up to watch the ball drop, is a far more realistic way for me to "celebrate".

The weather here has been remarkably mild since I got here. That is, until early afternoon. That's when a storm in advance of a cold front started to move thru. And, over the next 36 hours they're expecting big changes around here. They're expecting up to a foot of snow and wind chills that may sink below zero. Yeesh. All I can say is that my flight is at 1 tomorrow afternoon and I hope to escape before it arrives.

I went to Wegmans today and stocked up on some local "delicacies" I'll want to bring back with me. It's interesting to pack a suitcase with pantry items and hot dogs, but that's what I'm doing.

It has been a very pleasant visit. Now, it's time to get back to business....

Early January can be culture shock for a little while. With all the hubub and excitement leading up to and through the Holidays getting things back into the usual groove sometimes take a little time and effort. As for me - I'm ending my Holiday eating binge as of tomorrow and getting back to training. Other than that, I've got lots on my plate at work and a number of other things to close out so there really won't be much time to re-adjust.

Amazed by the Unremarkable

2011-12-31T18:55:00.000-08:00

This is the last entry for 2011. Another year is done.

I suppose the tendency is to find something profound to say to mark the passing of another year but I really don't have anything much to offer except to share that I'm still constantly amazed by the unremarkable. I really am. I'm amazed by lots of things, and at this stage of life that's part of me that I hope never changes and I've made it a life goal to ensure that doesn't change.

This trip is a good example. I'm in Rochester with my brother and sister and their families. My flights yesterday went pretty much without incident although a delay in taking off on the first leg made my layover a little more dramatic than I like but it all worked out fine. When I landed at 11pm it had already been a long day - a day at work, a 200 mile drive to Charlotte to catch my flight, then to Atlanta to catch my flight to Rochester. And when I finally got to bed at 1:30 I didn't realize how tired I was. I slept until almost 9 this morning.

My sister and I went out for a bagel run this morning. A group of us went to see a folk group playing at a local coffee house - one of her friends' husbands plays the harmonica in it. I took my brother-in-law to the Apple Store to deal with various Apple-related issued they've been having. We brought pizza home for dinner. I've been taking special notice of things that are changing around here - after having lived here for 15 years - stores that close or move, restaurants that change names, empty fields that now have something in them - that kind of thing.

But it's casual and comfortable and feels like it has always been like this. That amazes me, especially given the difficulty it took to get over the hump that prevented me from ever having the chance to realize any of this. Anyway - Amazement in the Unremarkable is a defining thing in life these days and that's certainly true of this year in particular.

My years tend to be defined by significant events that happen. In 2010 I learned a lot about how I deal with a deep felt sense of betrayal, and I started wrestling. In 2009 I was diagnosed with melanoma and I put a number of significant life efforts on hold while I tried to figure out what that meant in my world. And at this point last year I had changed career directions. But much of the direction in my life from a year ago has changed significantly.

This year I chose to go to Charleston in hopes that I could get a good enough sense of the area to gauge if I'd want to be (or, could manage to be) there longer. It was my effort to try to gain a foothold in the thing that was my most significant need: a place that felt like "home" for a reason other than simply working there.

Today I'm still living there and I'm beginning to realize/hope that I'll be there for quite a while. It feels a little like getting involved in a serious relationship and getting to the point where you dare to hope that you've found "the one".

There are so many other positive things popping right now. I'm very much enjoying my career again. I'm athletic and competing again. I'm getting interested in bike riding, and I've got more life goals than at any time that I can remember. It's all very exciting. Most of it fairly unremarkable. But still - most of it continues to amaze me when I take the time to stop and think about it.

I have also decided that part of the future of this blog will include more sharing of observations on everyday life things. Recently I've done quite a bit of research on a variety of topics. I did research on various bikes, and whether the extra $$$ spent on a carbon frame was worth the money and, if so, how much. I did research on various bike components. I've done research on the question of buying an integrated system like an iMac vs an Apple component system (Mac mini + a monitor). I've found quite a bit of people have weighed in on those topics in various blogs/forums and have found their explanations invaluable.

An example:

Earlier today I went to the bike store recently to buy some biking shoes to go with my new bike. The specialist there was very kind and spent quite a bit of time with me to find the exact right pair. At first she brought me my customary size 43 shoes in the women's style. Although the shoes fit ok and looked nice they did have a high arch and they were narrower on the heel and they weren't all that comfortable.

Women's feet are not the same as men's feet. While I was in the store I used my iPhone to do some research. One website explains some of the significant differences:

"The female foot is not just a scaled down version of the male foot. In general, a women's foot has a higher arch, narrower heel and a shallower first toe. The ball of a women's foot has a smaller circumference than a males. The circumference on the instep of a women's foot is also smaller. Both the ankle length, and the instep length are shorter than their male counterparts."

If I walked barefoot along the beach guess which of those footprints is most like mine. There are some things that don't change throughout this entire process, and feet are one of them.

So, I suggested that she bring me the same size in the men's version of the same shoe to compare. It wasn't nearly as attractive to look at, but given the anatomical realities of my skeleton the men's shoe fit better and was more comfortable. I don't think I need to say which one I got....

Similarly...

I've got an iMac that's several years old. In my world computer's have a useful life of 3 years or maybe a little more given the things I want to use it for, the growth in technology, and the changes in software/tools. Although I'm not at a point where I'm ready to do anything yet I've started considering what to do next.

I'll stay with Apple. That's a given. And I suppose the most obvious and logical choice would be to a more current iMac model. They've changed quite a bit over the years and are actually pretty impressive and have a good price point given what's included and what I want to use it for. But I've started wondering about the actual difference between that, and a system built around a Mac mini computer and a good sized monitor. And whereas I suppose many would consider the integrated nature of an iMac to be a positive thing the fact that it's all built together isn't necessarily always a plus. So - I'll be putting together some requirements and the research will be on my radar over the coming weeks.

The annual monster that is the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas happens during the second week of January and sometimes involves new announcements so I'm always interested to see what comes out of that. Rumors of new iPads - what they'll include, when they'll be available, etc. - are already pretty crazed so we'll see how things unfold in general. If nothing else, I'm an interested observer.

Anyway - it's New Years Eve so I'll head downstairs to relax with my sister and gang. Our family tradition is to eat ourselves silly while we do a large picture puzzle and I can already here them starting. Tomorrow I'm headed over to watch the Bills game with my brother. A nasty storm bringing frigid temps, snow, and high winds is being forecast to hit anywhere between tomorrow night and later in the day on Monday. At this point all I can say is that I'm here and will deal with what happens regardless...

To anyone who reads this - have a Happy and Safe New Year!

Nuff Said

2011-12-29T13:07:00.000-08:00

So, tomorrow at this time I expect to be on a plane heading north. It seems almost crazy to me to leave a place that's forecasting bright sunshine and highs near or above 70 degrees for a place that's expecting snow and rain and cold but that's what's about to happen.

Weather Forecasts:

Rochester Charleston

I hate to dwell on the weather thing, but the fact that I talk about it as much as I do indicates that it's not a small detail to me. If my family weren't there I'd avoid anything north of Baltimore until springtime unless there was a very strong compelling reason to do otherwise.

Nuff Said.

I started a list of significant "events" in the trans community in 2011 and I want to continue that:

6. Updates to the Standards of Care by WPATH
7. Historic statement of LGBT support as US Foreign Policy in front of the United Nations.
8. Release of Injustice at Every Turn by NCTE and The Task Force.
9. The NCAA releases new guidelines titled "NCAA Inclusion of Transgender Student-Athletes"
10. The U.S. Office of Personnel Management (OPM) produced and released a set of employment guidelines for federal transgender workers (see here). The federal government is the single largest employer in the country so when it sets the bar it sets significant precendents for others.

By all measures, 2011 was a year of significant progress.

I talked with a reporter yesterday about some of the things I said during the CNN Dialogues event in Atlanta last week. One of the things he found fascinating were my statements about the fact that the LGBT Community is not necessarily one harmonious community where all are accepted and supported. I think he'll be writing something about that soon, but we talked for over an hour on a wide range of topics and it was actually very pleasant.

One question he asked that I found fascinating: He asked how much of my day is spent realizing that I'm a transsexual. It's hard to explain to people that there was a point when that fact was constantly on my mind - suffocatingly so - and the goal of all of this has been to make that fade. In my day-to-day world I go to work, I have an active social life, I go the the gym several times a week, I've started training with a local university wrestling team and at a Mixed Martial Arts studio. I'm truly too busy to think about it much at all. But that doesn't mean that I've forgotten it, either, and things that remind me of it are more of the things I never imagined I'd be doing than concern or want. He found that fascinating, too. Anyway, I hope the article comes out ok.

I've been getting quite a bit of what I consider to be "relationship spam" mail on FB lately. Some of it is from people who I've friended who send me a one word note: "Hi", or "Hey" or something similar. I have no idea what they want as Hi seems to be a salutation more than it is content. Anyway....

I get email from people who seem to think that FB is a dating site. Here's one from today:

i seems to be new to this online thing and i love your smiles and profile picture.Wowowow , I'm sorry if my wowow scares u , But i feel like i'm looking at an angel right now which is you hehehehe , Lol . Ok , A question Could this be an Angel? Just a view on ur page i feel cool . some people have nice eyes, some have nice smiles, and some have faces but guess what?.. U have all of them, if angels were to be taxed , i would be the highest taxpayer just for u , Oh my Goodness i still can't take off my eyes from ur picture

Are you kidding me? Every once in a while someone will send me something that intrigues me but this kind of thing makes me laugh more than anything. I'm sure these things go out to lots of people and all I can do is hope that nobody takes it too seriously. Anyway.....Delete.

The most interesting thing in today's T-news is a story about acceptance in athletics that I very much feel. Read it here. Nuff Said.

I bought a new purse yesterday. I remember writing a similar entry last year about the personal nature of picking out a purse - it needs to "fit". My purse and I are getting used to each other now and I'm thinking we'll be together for a while. We'll see. :)

I don't think that my view on relationships hasn't changed much in recent years. Although I like to think of myself as a romantic at heart I don't believe that love can overcome anything, or love lasts forever, or even that there's any such thing as unconditional love. I far more believe that people need to enjoy it while it lasts as it's far more likely to be a passing reality than a lifelong connection. That's how I perceive most relationships in life so I guess "love" relationships are no different.

My main "love" song in this regard hasn't changed over the last few years and is probably a glimpse of my darker side (I do have one), but that doesn't mean it's not true:

I love this song. I listen to it while I'm biking, or at the gym, or wherever and it just rocks me.

Nuff Said.....

Window on the World

2011-12-28T12:59:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I shared a photo of sunrise through the big window in my office. I'm on the 5th floor of a building that overlooks a number of things so it's almost having a private little window on the world. When the weather gets nasty the window gets pelted by rain and/or wind, and we can see the clouds that sometimes stay offshore but never make it to land.

Yesterday was a fascinating day. A fast moving system brought rain, high winds (it blew a Best Buy sign right off the store nearby), clouds racing across the sky, and ultimately sun. Watching it all change like that was like watching several days in one.

We're also near the airport. This airport is unique in that it's pretty small - at least by my standards - but it's also got the added "diversity" of being a Boeing production center, an Armed Services airpirt, and it's day job handling passenger service in and out of Charleston.

When you're near the airport you can see pretty much anything land, from F-16 fighters (usually in pairs) to huge, lumbering C-17 or C130 transport planes to a huge, swollen plane that Boeing uses to transport constructed fuselage parts across country.

Transport plane landing at CHS today....

A couple of days ago we saw a plane none of us could initially recognize take off and ascend into the sky. It was a huge plane with what seemed like an unusually large wingspan. It wasn't long before we concluded that it was one of Boeing's new 787 Dreamliners. They built an entire massive factory here to build the planes and there's usually quite a bit of hoopla when one comes or goes.

Anyway, apparently it's becoming commonplace here already.... But it still looked pretty cool.

I'm scheduled to go to Rochester this weekend. Since I figure nobody in my family is reading this I'll admit that I'm having second thoughts. It's a huge hassle logistics-wise, and the weather forecast isn't helping - especially Monday when I'm supposed to fly home.

Anyway - I'd have to say at this point I'm 50-50 on whether to go or delay it until my birthday in February. We'll see....

Today is the anniversary of my dad's passing. He died sometime during the night between Dec. 28-29 (although the "official" date is 12/28). My dad had quite the life, and when he died I don't think any of us really expected it. I was already spleeping in the spare bedroom at home (I'd been on hormones for well over a year at that point) and didn't find out until I got to work the next morning. My mom left me a message telling me he had passed away.

We were living in Scottsdale at the time and my wife decided that it would be better if I went to handle all the "stuff" by myself. She couldn't bring herself to pretend that we were close anymore knowing what she knew about what was happening in my life. So I flew to Rochester on Jan. 2, alone, for some of the last ritualistic events of David's life. My dad's memorial service was the last time I wore a suit and tie. It was the last time my family would see me before they, too, learned about what was happening. And, in a very real sense, the person who left after just a few chilly days in Rochester was significantly different than the person who arrived.

I could go into all kinds of details, but suffice it to say that considering his passing and reflecting on the meaning of Life provided renewed impetus to "be" at a time when it was much needed.

My dad wrote a book titled Life Itself. A paragraph from one of the reviews on Amazon:

Robert Rosen asks the question: what is life?, and answers the question precisely after 10 chapters. His method of answering the question is ground breaking. In trying to answer the question of, What is Life? he first must explore what life is not. In that process of trying to answer the question about life, he had discovered something *very* important about science and mathematics: there are some unnecessary limitations placed them, currently.

I never gave my dad's work much thought, and it was only after his death that I came to recognize the connection to much of what he studied and wrote about and its implications in my own day-to-day existence. It took me that long to realize that the limitations he was exploring with regards to the relationship between science/match and Life are matched or exceeded by limitations that each of us place on life itself by not living it, or not realizing that we can, or by allowing ourselves to become trapped by fear, or circumstance.

Eventually we all run out of tomorrows. My dad lived his last tomorrow 12 years ago today and eventually I will reach that same point in my own life. There is no denying that. All I can do is to make the most of the ever-shortening time between now and then. And that's what I'm doing.

Back to the window in my 5th floor office. It's a little windown on the world, a little vantage point up above. And so, too, is what today represents to me. It provides an opportunity to gain a new perspective, or at least reminds me of things I generally know but sometimes forget.

I am going to train with a local Mixed Martial Arts (Krav Maga) instructor after work today. Then - I'll go out for a nice dinner that will involve a glass of good Scotch. That's what my dad would have done. And I'm only too happy to follow suit. :)

Some Semblance (or not)

2011-12-25T19:58:00.000-08:00

This is the "odd" week between Christmas and New Year's. I'll be at work but most of the people I need to interract with won't. After being off yesterday it's a short week, too, so it just "feels" funny. And, I'll be leaving on Friday to spend a few days in the great white North with family. All things considered - there's really no groove to get into until all this insanity is passed and things get back to some semblance of "normal".

Last year I spend most of Christmas day in the Dallas airport trying to get from there to Charleston in advance of a major snowstorm bearing down on Atlanta. After a day of trying to make ends meet I finally landed here near 1am on a cold, raw, rainy night.

The year before that I flew into Dallas on Christmas eve and it was snowing like nobody's business. We got at least a couple of inches that stayed around for a couple of days, and I had an enjoyable week visiting with mom.

The year before that - well, I start to get a little fuzzy.... I can half-remember a few Christmases where I was recovering from this or that so memory of specifics is dimmed by a Percocet haze. I spent a couple of Christmases over the last 10 years with Elizabeth and her family. But all things considered, it's not really that big a deal for me.

One thing I'm not fuzzy about yet is what I did this year. This year's Christmas will be memorable for it's relaxed, chill, unremarkable-ness. I did a 45-mile bike ride along the coast. I made a couple of medicinal doses of Gingerbread Martini to help recuperate. I talked with friends and family, and had a very pleasant long chat with my ex-. And I had dinner with local friends who have welcomed me into their own family. All things considered - it was simple and it was wonderful. And, in restospect now that I've explained all that - I suppose it was remarkable.

The center piece to the day was the bike ride. I had been hoping to finish my entire loop before the rain started and I made it with ten minutes to spare. It's the longer version of a loop I haven't done since summer, and I feel no shame in sharing that my legs were not at all happy with me afterwards. I did stop a couple of times, though, to enjoy the day. I sometimes need to remind myself that a key element of those kinds of days is the journey and not simply getting from "here" to "there". I took a nice stroll along the beach (tide was out but coming in). I spent a little time at a quaint little pier where shrimp boats dock and unload. I stopped at the marina. But perhaps the best part is that I had it all to myself. Nobody was on the roads. The beach was nearly deserted. The dock was empty except for one of the shrimpers trying to fix up an old bike someone had given him. It was great.

I took some photos and will find a way to put them into a little album that I can share. Stay tuned on that....

Afterwards my collective body parts helped my head me to decide that I'm going to get a second bike. The one I have is good for general purpose riding, especially down on the beach (it's a hybrid). But now I've got the bug for a half-decent road bike for some of these 50-milers so after significant research, testing, input from friends I made my decision on which one and it's on order. Merry Christmas to me.

Funny thing - I really don't know that many people here in Charleston but on Monday I was at both Best Buy and at the gym and people I've met here came up to me and said 'hi'. I didn't recognize either of them - one was a waiter at my usual Tuesday night dinner hangout - but both took the time to come over to chat. Both were very pleasant and I'm glad they did.

The weather here has been very pleasant lately except for perhaps the afternoon rain on Christmas Day that I mentioned. Today we've got a "front" coming thru and although it's still warm (it was 55 degrees when I left the house this morning at 6:30) the rain started an hour ago and is supposed to be happening all day long. We need it, I suppose, and honestly I think I can count the number of rainy days like this that I can remember since spring on one hand.

Every year as Dec. 31 there's a tendency to put together Best and Worst lists as part of the Year in Review. Without giving it too much deep thought, here is my list of the top Trans stories/events of 2011:

1) Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars
2) Video of brutal assault on MD transwoman in a Baltimore McDonalds goes viral
3) Requirement for removal of trans benefits exclusions as part of the CEI
4) In Georgia, 11th Circuit Rules for Transgender Employee in Sex Discrimination Case
5) The continuing trend of passing local and regional trans-inclusive non-descrimination ordinances

Some broader LGBT things are conspicuously missing from my list. For example, the repeal of DADT didn't make my list because it really had very little impact with regards to trans people. Marriage in NY didn't make it, either. I think the take away is that progress in the T isn't necessarily the same path as progress in the LG or B.

Anyways - time to go to the gym. Some things never end. :)

Just Another Friday

2011-12-23T13:05:00.000-08:00

So. It's Friday. It's the day after the winter Solstice. It's the second last Friday of 2011. It's Christmas Eve Eve. That seems like a lot of "stuff" for one day to bear. For me, it's just another day.

I don't say that in any kind of morose or sad way. I suppose it'd be easy to read that into it although it's certainly not meant that way. What I mean is that I went to work today, I went to the gym and did a good 5 mile run in 46 minutes 37 seconds. I went to Costco and even stopped at Best Buy this evening and neither seemed overly busy to me. And other than lighter traffic on the roads but craziness at the malls I really don't see much of a difference from other Fridays. Like I said - just another day....

When I left the house this morning it was 67 balmy degrees and it was in the mid 70's by lunchtime. I take no shame in admitting that I'm loving that. The weather forecast has changed so that rain this weekend is far less likely than had been predicted earlier in the week. Right on.

I've decided to stay at home over this weekend which I'm actually looking forward to. I haven't had a relaxing weekend in a while and hope to do a nice, long bike ride on Sunday if the weather cooperates. Speaking of biking - I made the mistake of "trying on" some newer road bikes this week. The bike I've got is a hybrid bike good for a number of things but I really don't think it's meant for 50-mile road trips. Road bikes have come a long way and I tried one of the newer silky smooth road bikes. What a difference! I've narrowed it down to a couple of them. The 2011 models are being sold for 20% off Although I can find several reasons to try to back away from it I can see that a bike might be my Christmas gift to myself. So, I've been doing some research.

What else am I putting under my tree? A pair of new wrestling shoes, a new heart rate monitor, and some new clothes. And a backpack. REI has a sale going on saving 30% on REI gear. I got a backpack that originally had almost 40% off, so adding another 30% made it a crazy good deal. Now I just need to find an opportunity to use it.

I do want to say how much I'm enjoying my new work. I suppose I've been pretty vague on a number of things lately but one thing I'll share is that my job is in Charleston and I can honestly see it keeping me here for a long time (as in, 3 years or more). I'm at the point of beginning to consider what it would take to bring all of my "stuff" here from Phoenix which is a fairly big deal.

I look forward to getting to work in the morning, and days just fly by. I haven't felt that way about a job in a long time. Although I don't want to get into too many specifics about what I'm doing (for various reasons) I'll share that I'm managing a very large multi-year IT project and am part of a pretty cool team. We bond over food, and yesterday's adventure was to head out to lunch at a local burger/brewery place. My team is a mix of civilian workers, military folk, consultants, and others which provides a unique kind of environment. Anyway - I've been there a month and am still enjoying it.

I recently signed up for benefits and for the first time in my life I accepted the Vision insurance coverage. My eyesight is actually pretty good, but I can tell that things are a-changing. I can't read a thing without my reading glasses but I can sense that other "stuff" is going to need checking too so it's probably wise to recognize that....

There was an article in Huffington Post today that I found interesting. It was by Lance Bass titled Why We Shouldn't Use the word 'Tranny'. I agreed with most everything he said including the part about the gay media sensationalizing things.

I'm hoping tomorrow turns out to be just another Saturday, and that Sunday follows suit.

Feeding Frenzy

2011-12-21T10:38:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been in a food orgy since weigh-in on Friday. It seems like I've been doing non-stop eating, only briefly interrupted by the wrestling tournament on Saturday. It's odd to realize that on Friday afternoon I was perhaps the lightest I've been in my adult life (~156 lbs) and now I'm feeling like a blob. But between re-plenishing my energy, treating myself to things I've denied for a while, and general Holiday "treats" I'm feeling constantly full. I need to stop...

This is only a brief vacation from training. The next Olympic qualifier tournament is in early February at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado. There are 2 events in March as well.

I'm really not planning on doing anything for Christmas. I briefly considered going up to Rochester to see my sister and brother but upon further review, I just need some down time. I may head up there over New Year but will make that decision over the next few days. Instead, I'll relax here, I've been invited to a friend's for dinner, and I'll just make it a low-key weekend. I need more of those.

The weather here lately has been fine. Highs this week so far have been in the mid-70's, but change is expected overnight and it looks like rain into the weekend. Not for nothing, but I'd rather have a "wet" Christmas than a "white" one. Romantic notions of cold and snow over the Holidays ended for me a long time ago. Still, with all this nice weather it just doesn't "feel" like the Holidays.

I had to have my cute little nose ornament removed at the piercing studio tonight. Something in the process of taking it out at the wrestling tournament and getting it back in again caused some complications and taking it out was the most reasonable option. Anyway - if I want to go thru it all again I can wait for 4 weeks until it heals up and then re-pierce. At this point, I'm thinking not but we'll see. All that's left is a little hole, and a little blood. I did like it, though. :-\

Dr. O has his "official" website online. Finally (see it here). I' remember all those years ago when I stumbled upon Andrea James' website and she featured detailed photos (long since gone) documenting her amazing Dr. O experience. It provided one of those "Holy Sh*t" moments that helped change the balance from convincing myself I could never transition to realizing that I could. Anyway - if I have one more procedure left in me - he's the man I'll want to do it. But, it'll have to wait until wrestling is over.

The fall-out from the situation in Colorado from a few weeks ago where the Girl Scouts there were flip-flopping on whether or not to admit a young trans child is still settling, as expected. A recent article says that some scout leaders - in a whole other state, mind you - have resigned, and have dissolved their troops (details here).

Jeff Johnston, a social issues analyst specializing in homosexuality and sexuality at Focus on the Family, told Baptist Press that the Girl Scouts' practice of admitting transgendered children has implications for other girls in the troop. It can lead to gender confusion, and already some parents have contacted Focus with concerns over Girl Scout camping trips with boys pretending to be girls.

It still amazes me that people can honestly believe that seeing a trans child can somehow cause another child to get "confused". It's indicative of just how fragile some people are about this - that to even recognize that it exists is going to somehow lure some young, impressionable mind over to the dark side. Yeesh. Anyway, it seems to me that if these parents are resigning they're probably not the right people to be leading in the organization anyways. Bye bye.

As for me - I'm just working (and loving what I'm doing). I need to get back to the gym. I'm enjoying a little down time. And all things considered - balance is good.

I think I'll go to the movies over the next few days. The new MI movie looks good. I might go see "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo", also, but that's certainly not holiday "feel good" material. More in the "feel good" vein is Matt Damon in "We Bought a Zoo".

Anyway - onwards. Thursday awaits. And I'm ready for bed....

Done but not Over

2011-12-18T16:41:00.000-08:00

The temporary insanity that has been my life lately has passed. I'm going home, and very much looking to recovering although it'll take me some time to re-adjust.

This entire past week seems fairly-tale like. The midnight flight from Phoenix on Monday, the trip to Atlanta and the CNN Dialogues event on Wednesday. And then the trip to Dallas to compete at the US National Wrestling Championships in hopes of earning a spot to the Olympic Team Trials in April.

The 3 days in Dallas were comprised of three distinct parts. The first was the arduous effort to make weight. I ended up in my plastic suit both Thursday and Friday and ultimately ended up doing what needed to be done. But it wasn't fun. Those things sap energy like nobody's business so by the time it's all done getting energy back is key.

Immediately after weigh-in it was time to re-energize, re-hydrate, and re-focus. Jamy and I had Italian food and I was drinking whatever liquid I could get. By the time I faded to sleep on my mom's fold out couch I was exhausted.

And then yesterday was the reason that it all happened - the competition itself. There were 20 competitors in my weight class and it was stacked with elite talent. There were several national champions, past world champions, world medalists, University all-Americans, Olympic Training Center athletes, and others of renown. And me.

At the US Sr. National Wrestling Championships

It was a double elimination tournament. That is - lose twice and you're done.

When they posted the pairings I noticed that my first match was against perhaps the most accomplished name in women's wrestling, Kristie Davis. Kristie has won 9 medals at the World Championships - two of them gold - and her list of accomplishments is longer than my arm (some details here). She won a gold medal in the Pan Am Games earlier this year, pinning her first 3 opponents on the way to the finals. Competing against her was truly an honor, and although I did my best she used my own "best" move on me and that was that. The match was over shortly before the end of the first period.

Match #1: Opponent is Kristie Davis.

I got a "bye" in the next round.

And, in the third round I faced an opponent from the USOEC (US Olympic Education Center). I lost on points.

Match #2: I lost on points

So - that was that. I was done.

When the adrenaline is pumping you don't realize how things hurt. But by the end of the day the various cuts on my face and bruises on my arms that I had collected were getting sore. My muscles reminded me that regardless of how much strength training you do there's nothing quite like exerting in a match. And, the reality that all these months of preparing and training were now over started to sink in.

In all honesty - I am at peace with how things unfolded. The competitors were wonderful. The people at USA Wrestling were tremendously accommodating. My training paid off in that I didn't run out of gas in the middle of a match. And, getting to a position of competing at that level is something I never imagined regardless of the outcomes. The fact of the matter is that the sport has some amazing athletes and I enjoyed competing against some of them, and learning.

Life is very much about growth for me. It is about overcoming fears and "doing". Over the past few years I've done both with regards to my wrestling.

Some specific people significantly added to my weekend. One was my friend Jamy from Dallas who provided friendship, encouragement, and support just as she always does. Jamy rocks. Others were Courtney and Mark, the producer and cameraman from CNN, who came to Dallas to follow my efforts. By the time we shared a shot late yesterday afternoon (Mark ordered us a "Buttery Nipple") we had bonded over the last few days and although they were simply observers they were fun and funny at a time when both were much needed. Thanks to all, I didn't feel so alone.

The crew from CNN at the Nationals

I flew home this morning, and it's the first time in a long time that I haven't had to think about training, or what I eat, or going to a gym. I'm going to enjoy some down town now as we cruise toward the end of the year.

The next (and last) change to make the Olympic Trials happen at the end of March. I'm not even sure what I'll be doing for Christmas yet so I'm certainly in no place to guess what I'll do about that. But I haven't ruled anything out....

I'm done for now. But, it's not over.

iPhone Update: A week ago today my iPhone was stolen in Phoenix. The police tracked it to a particular apartment and were planning to watch video from the convenience store on Monday. Some have written requesting an update. So here it is. News since then: Nada. Nothing. Zilch.

Whirlwind Week continues

2011-12-16T05:18:00.000-08:00

This is a whirlwind week, even by my standards. Different part of the week are focused on specific significant elements of my world - my "home" life, advocacy, and athletics. As I type this the spotlight has passed from one to the other, and is now firmly on the latter.

I noted in my most recent FB update that time is blurring. It is. Some combination of all my comings and going, the pressure to get down to my weight class limit by 5pm today, the CNN event in Atlanta, and finally the upcoming US Nationals competition all seem to have me living in a bit of a twilight world.

First, a bit about the last couple of days.

I flew from Charleston to Atlanta on Wednesday afternoon. CNN had a car waiting for me that took me to the Four Seasons downtown. I had an hour to either relax, or to go to the fitness center and sweat a bit. I chose the latter.

The CNN event was a lot of fun. Thanks and kudos to everyone who took part in planning and making it happen behind the scenes. We've been talking about it for 6 months or more now so to finally see it happen was wonderful.

I also applaud the producers for selecting such a diverse group of panelists. Each of us brought a unique, different, relevant perspective to the various topics we covered during the evening and I think the moderator kept things moving and focused throughout the night. I could spend a couple of paragraphs on each of the panelists but for the sake of brevity I'll simply say that (a) it was truly an honor to be part of that group and (b) I hope we have more opportunities for similar discourse in the future.

Two big, black Esplanade vans pulled up to the front of the hotel to collect us at 5 and within an hour we were getting make-up done, getting to know one another, doing the obligatory photo op, getting mic'd, and generally chilling. It was a very relaxed atmosphere which is probably a result of the people involved. We were all pretty chill.

I'm sharing this photo via a blog dedicated to Johnny Weir. They ran a long story on the event and have several pics (see it here). The GA Voice did a good story on it, as well (see it here). I'm told that CNN will be making it available on iTunesU shortly, and that segments may be featured on CNN.com.

I had a small dinner (and a drink) with a friend in the area afterwards and got to bed by midnight.

My 18-hours in Atlanta ended when a car met me in the lobby of the hotel at 6:30, took me to the hotel, and got me to the airport to catch my 8:30 flight to Dallas.

Now it's time to get serious. I mean, really serious. Because what comes next can be dangerous and needs total focus.

The lobby of the Main Hotel for the US Nationals

The focus of the Wrestling World in the US turns to Arlington TX this weekend for the US Nationals. This is the main Olympic Trial qualifying event, and the top place finishers in each weight class will earn an invitation to compete in that elite event in April. That's the goal.

I'm as prepared right now as I can be, and the final (and critical) component of all this is to actually make weight by 4pm today. Within an hour of arriving yesterday I was in a plastic suit on an elyptical trainer sweating off water and by late afternoon I was 2 1/2 pounds over my limit. That means I've got a bit more work to do today. Believe me - this is no fun.

The venue here is the Arlington Convention Center which is located right next to Texas Ranger stadium and the new Dallas Cowboy Stadium.

The US Nationals - before competition begins...

Weigh in's are today and I've got some work to do before then. Immediately afterwards??? Margarita. And dinner. Then off to bed early. Competition happens tomorrow starting at 10am and will happen quickly.

There will be video streaming of the event as it unfolds (see links). The way it works is that each wrestler will have several matches - and the finals will be held in the evening. It's not like you're done the first time you lose. It goes on. All the elite competitors in the country in these divisions are here...past Olympians, World Champions, World medalists, current and past US champions, University All-Americans, elite athletes from the Army, Navy, and Marines, athletes currently training at the US Olympic Training Center....all are here for this. And, one insane competitor who is twice as old as everyone else, who has a unique history, and who for some reason still loves this sport. Anyway....as a spectator who enjoys this sport I'd love to watch. As a competitor....well, it's just amazing.

There's more going on with this, but I'll keep it at that for now. I'm very hopeful that things stay focused on the competition and don't get too "complicated". But I've also learned to stay focused on the things that I can control (or at least, that I think I can) so I'm doing that. First hurdle was to get here. Second comes at 4 today to make weight. Third comes tomorrow with the competition. Then? I guess time will tell....

In the Arena

2011-12-13T15:02:00.000-08:00

I'll start by saying that there are no updates on the stolen iPhone saga. I didn't hear from the police yesterday so I'll just hold tight for the moment....To Be Continued.

On the personal front I'm in the middle of a crazy week that is about to get crazier. I leave tomorrow mid-day for Atlanta and the CNN Dialogues event. I'm looking forward to it. Wouldn't you know I've got, like, an infected eyelash so one of my eyelids is looking kind of angry right now but such is life. I just hope it doesn't get swollen closed overnight

After that's done I go to Texas to wrestle. I had a wonderful 6-mile run yesterday after work and weighed myself this morning to see how far I've still got to go. I was less than 5 lbs from target, which is actually pretty remarkable given all the Holiday "temptations" everywhere. I'll be glad when weigh-in is done on Friday so I can start eating again.

My son called to say that he had been in a car accident. He's fine, but it was a pretty significant collision. Now he begins the beaurocracy of "insurance". That's something.

In the "activism" world I wanted to highlight a story that appeared on the Time website yesterday. It's titled "Transgender People: The next frontier in civil rights" (read it here). One particularly powerful snippet:

Transgender people have long been on the margins of society. That has even been true in the LGBT — or Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender — community, where debates have raged over how hard and how fast to push for transgender rights, which remain controversial. But that is true of any group that is still in the early stages of its civil rights struggle. If two of the nation’s most powerful institutions, federal courts and major corporations, are increasingly lining up behind transgender people, then change is undoubtedly on the way.

Yes. We have come a long, long way. And yes - we are still in the early stages of our struggle. But change doesn't happen by itself. It takes time. It takes persistence. It involves risk. It takes dedication. It takes people willing to stand up at some point and say that things long accepted or long tolerated are now unacceptable or no longer tolerated. It takes building relationships and having friends/allies willing to stand with you.

I didn't transition to change the world. I transitioned to change MY world. But the fact that simply making it through the day in an intolerant world can be a nightmare no matter what you do is something I've had to confront in my own life. And, in the process, I've come to recognize that in order for things to truly get better things need to change.

You don't always get to choose what happens to you, or your circumstance. But I'm comfortable with the fact that you can choose how to deal with it. Either accept things as they are, or don't. And, I don't. The choice I made years ago was to dedicate myself to being part of that change in hopes that the world I leave will be a better one than the world I inherited. That dedication has not wavered, and it continues today. I really don't care whether others like it or not, agree with it or not, or even whether they can understand it or not. None of that is important.

The fact of the matter is that our world IS changing and many, many, many collective efforts are making that happen. And I'll play my own little part in the ongoing struggle of marginalized communities to overcome barriers of intolerange, ignorance, and inequality. By going to Atlanta to be involved in worthwhile broader discussions like CNN Dialogues. By participating in national sporting events. And by embracing and living my own version of MY life.

As I head off to the challenges/opportunities that await later this week and beyond, I'll share that I am continually empowered by a Theodore Roosevelt quote:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

Amen.

Interesting Day

2011-12-11T22:03:00.001-08:00

It's a little after 1am East Coast time. I'm sitting in the airport in Phoenix waiting for my friggin' 12:30am flight to board. The key for these red-eyes is to dress comfortably for sleeping. And, I am.

It has been an "interesting" day for several reasons. Perhaps the single-most interesting thing that happened began first thing this morning...

So, I decided I wanted to go for a hike before the day got too far along so I left the house and stopped at a nearby convenience store for a coffee. Shortly after leaving I noticed that my phone was missing. That's when things got going.

I knew I had the phone when I left the house, so it seemed like a pretty simple thing that I must have put it down on a counter or something while I was doctoring the coffee and forgotten it. I've done that before. But I want back to the store and looked in all the areas that I had been and there was no sign of it. I asked the people who worked there - nobody had turned anything in.

So - back to the house I go (3 or 4 miles away) to use the Locate-My-Phone feature from my laptop. And - sure enough, the laptop showed that the phone was in the store. So - back I went. I looked everywhere in the area that the locator seemed to say it was but didn't see it. Hmmm....

Another feature on the Locator is that you can make it make a sound for two minutes, and show some text on the screen. Since there was no internet service in the store I told the guy who was working that I would go to the McDonald's a couple of miles away (they have free internet), send a signal to the phone, and come right back for it. That's what happened.

But when I got back he said he hadn't heard anything and there was still no sign of it. So, I decided to try it one more time. That's when things got more interesting...

I went back to the McDonald's to send it another signal, and lo-and-behold it's moving. It's on a nearby street, heading north. I sent a signal to the phone saying that I was tracking it and to please leave it, but the signal kept on moving. I followed it for 20 minutes until it pulled into an apartment complex. I could locate it right down to the specific parking spot.

I called AT&T to tell them about it and ended up "wiping" the phone. Once that happens you can't track it any more. I hustled down to the Apple store and got a replacement - I can't afford to leave here without a phone. Especially this week.

I called a friend about it who asked if I had called the police. I expressed my doubts that they'd do anything because even though I knew where it was I couldn't prove anything. But this friend said they'd be able to look at video footage from in the store to see who took it, and perhaps they could get a tag number on the car. So I called the police.

They met met at the store an hour later and I explained all this to them. I showed them the messages I had sent the phone, and I told them exactly what parking space in this apartment complex they pulled in to. The manager of the store had gone home for the day and would be back in tomorrow so we'd have to wait on the video. But the two officers said they'd go to the address and look around.

They found out what apartment coincided with the parking spot and knocked on the door. The person there acknowledged that they had been at the convenience store but denied taking the phone. But now that the police officer knows what they look like, he'll be able to match them up when he watches the video in the morning.

So, back to now. I'm at the airport with a replacement phone. I'm told there's a good change that the people who took the phone will discard it now that the cops have visited so I probably won't see that again. But we're pressing forward to see what actually happened, and we should have that in the morning. They won't need the phone as evidence if the video shows what happened.

I've got to say how pleasantly surprised I am about the response of the police. These two officers who responded were very nice, very thorough, and they followed through on everything. The called me a couple of times to give me updates. All in all - kudos to these two officers. They rock.

A good one

2011-12-11T05:13:00.001-08:00

It's a bit after 6am and I'll admit I wish I were getting a little more sleep at the moment, but I think that 5 or so hours I got last night are all I'll see for a while. I'm out of town at the moment and have a busy day ahead of me, and I catch my return flight at 12:40am tonight (or, tomorrow morning depending on how you look at it). I'll be flying all night and have a busy day back home tomorrow. Ugh.

The potentially good news is that I'm near the top of the upgrade list and as of this morning there are seats available in First Class. It'd be nice to have a little extra room to catch some zzzzzz's. My fingers are crossed....

I typically sleep pretty well but that hasn't been the case lately. I think it's some combination of losing weight for the event next weekend, the fact that I'm typically going to the fitness center after dinner rather than in the middle of the day (gets my system wound up), and general life change stuff. Whatever it is I'd like to get back to the days of not all that long ago where 6 or 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep were the norm, not the exception.

I visited all my worldly "stuff" yesterday. It lives in a storage unit and has been there for a year now. All the dust storms in the Phoenix area over the summer somehow pushed dust under the closed door so everything at the top of this huge pile has a layer of dry desert dust on it. Yuck. My goal for 2012 will be to be reunited with my "stuff". If things work out as I hope they do with my new work project I'll have the stability I've needed to move it all and put it into a place where I expect to be living for some period of time that's measured in more than months. Anyway, visiting it all was bittersweet.

I also had a long conversation with my ex- yesterday. We haven't spoken in months for a number of reasons and yesterday's chat was a very pleasant one. It was nice to see that the element of our relationship where we could talk about anything and everything for hours is still there. Now, of course, there are a couple of topics that we need to steer clear of because it inevitably causes an unnecessary clash but that's not difficult. I'm glad we talked and had the opportunity to catch up a bit in each others' lives.

And lastly, I had dinner with a small group of friends. That was very pleasant as well...

All in all, a busy day. But...a good one.

Change in the Weather

2011-12-07T06:06:00.001-08:00

When I drove to work yesterday morning a bit before 7 it was 69 balmy, relatively humid, degrees out. It had been like that for several days. A cold front that had been slowly making its way across the country made a windy, wet arrival last night and this morning it was 38 chilly (but sunny!) degrees. What a difference a day makes.

Things change over time. I've posted a number of things lately that are the results on long, ongoing efforts. Another is the release today of the HRC Corporate Equality Index. The key new statistic is the number of companies that cover trans-related procedures and expenses, including SRS (see details).

This achievement has not come easily. At the beginning (in 2004) when Jamison and I were on the HRC Business Council and were approached about adding new criteria to trans-related policy adding a section on wellness benefits was a no-brainer. But actually putting it into practice involved a tremendous amount of education and change as neither corporate America, the insurance industry, nor the medical "industry" for that matter was aligned to enact what needed to happen.

Over these last several years key players in finally getting to this point have been Andre Wilson and Jamison Green, corporate leaders who have pushed these benefits internally at their own companies, and so many others who have set the stage for where things are now.

I looked back in my old blogs and found an entry from August 2006:

August 4, 2006

I got an email from my friends at Eastman Kodak today. It reads as follows:

In a July 2006 update to the health care benefits Kodak offers its employees, Kodak will now cover sex transformation procedures, services and supplies provided on or after July 1, 2006, including therapy, sex hormones and transsexual surgery. In Kodak's view, this is a medical condition that the company believes warrants coverage under its medical plans.

Wow. To me, these two sentences say it all. Bravo Kodak! I couldn't be happier or prouder of the wonderful people there who helped to make this happen. It's not like they're trying to hide it, either. This kind of statement puts it out there for everyone to see. They absolutely rock.

I published a list of companies who said they cover SRS several weeks ago, and I expect that list to grow in leaps and bounds over the coming months. There are a couple of reasons: first, the HRC Corporate Equality Index is coming out next month and that always motivates companies to enact new GLBT policy to get a better score. This year, for the first time ever, we've included transgender wellness criteria that companies MUST have in order to achieve a perfect rating. I think it's going to make a huge difference and I doubt we'll know the true impact for years to come. When companies begin to cover these procedures they're doing more than just helping to defray the costs - they're helping to legitimize it as more than simple elective cosmetic surgery. The fact that companies have done the due diligence to understand the issues, to quantify the costs, to make the internal changes necessary to make this happen - it all adds up to one thing. Dignity.

I never imagined that I'd see these things happening in my lifetime. I suppose I've always taken it for granted that the medical costs of these procedures put it out of reach of all but the most fortunate. That is changing, and it's changing fast. What's even more amazing to me is to be part of this effort. I have no idea how ordinary people like me find themselves in the middle of things so huge as this. I like to call it "Life Tides". Mine have carried me to some pretty incredible places.

***

Knowing how world-changing these discussions were at the beginning, and now seeing them actually happening, continues to amaze me.

I think it's also important to highlight quiet leadership. A couple of weeks ago there was an article about Google setting the "Gold Standard" in trans related healthcare benefits (see it here). While it's nice that a company gets that kind of visibility and is that public about it, others have been doing these things for a while, when they didn't have to. IBM, American Express, Kodak...I can think of others who first set the standard and who proved that it was OK to do these things. In fact, experience from those companies laid the groundwork for what is happening now. Anyway....I don't want to minimize the value of any of these things, but it's all part of a bigger picture.

I also think it's important to recognize that most trans-people will never get these benefits. The single-most pressing issue we face as a community is chronic unemployment and under-employment that then has a number of other significant practical implications. We're fighting this cultural war on a number of fronts, and I don't think any of us is naive enough to think that positive news on one front somehow means "Victory". There's still a long way to go....
In other news, last night was our company has its Holiday Party. The company President is visiting from our main office so we finally had a chance to meet earlier in the week. I miss things like Christmas Parties where everyone in a small company got together to relax and socialize. I'm glad it's part of the culture of this small consulting company - it's actually one of the things that attracted me to it given that I've consulted for companies where we've never actually met in person. Anyway, we had dinner and drinks at a nice local restaurant and although I didn't over-indulge too badly I'm actually still kinda full this morning....
I don't like being this light. It's nice to be thin, but I don't like losing weight in my butt or in my face. Butt gets small, face gets gaunt-ish. At least I think they do. But I'm within comfortable striking distance of where I need to be by next Friday at 5pm so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

While I'm on a roll with some of the news I've been sharing lately I'll post another. It's a story about a Sales Associate at Macy's who was recently fired for refusing to allow a trans-woman to use the Women's Changing Room. Why? Because she said it violated her religious beliefs. (Details here)

Nobody knows all the details so it'd be premature to advocate that the way things went down was truly this simple. I'd be shocked if this sales associate was told that transgender people get to use whatever changing room they want. And I'm not saying that actions by the group of trans-women in this situation didn't perhaps exascerbate things. Regardless - that defense that the clerk's religious beliefs are somehow compromised in by "allowing" a trans woman to use the restroom is a key argument against any number of trans-supportive initiatives, including ENDA.

Here's another piece of current news: City Manager Fired. I'll just leave it alone for now...

Newton's Third Law

2011-12-06T14:43:00.000-08:00

In my last post I shared some of what I'd call "positive" news: the recent Elle magazine cover featuring Lea T.

There's a bunch more tidbets of good news to share. Some examples:

Howard County in Maryland became the 3rd county in the state to pass a trans-specific discrimination bill (details here).
President Obama released a first-of-its-kind Presidential Memorandum making the defense of LGBT rights a global effort (details here). "The struggle to end discrimination against lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender persons is a global challenge, and one that is central to the United States' commitment to promoting human rights," Mr. Obama said. Read the entire Memorandum here. Big stuff, that was immediately attacked by Rick Perry....
U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton continued that theme by defending the rights of lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgender persons around the world in a speech entitled "Free and Equal in Dignity and Rights", at the UN in Geneva, Switzerland. (details here).
NCTE released a document outlining workplace rights for Transgender Federal Employees (see it here).
A Georgia transwoman who was fired when she announced that she planned to transition won her appeal when the 11th Circuit Court announced that her dismissal constituted sex descrimination (details here). These kinds of things are huge.

It's hard to believe that so much has happened in just the last day.

But the thing that I find most compelling is also the thing I find most disturbing. It's the story, AND VIDEO, from mid-November of a California transwoman being tazed in the crotch by law enforcement officials once they realized her situation (see story here).

It's horrific to watch this go down. And to be sure, this kind of thing isn't isolated or rare. An article on Huffington Post highlights just a few recent examples (read it here).

I've said in the past that one of my biggest fears in the early days of my transition was to be stopped by the police. Honest to God, I would have had a heart attack right there. And that's a pretty significant thing to admit given all the other things that were going on in my life at the time. But it's true. And depending on who stops any of us those fears have proven time and time again to be justified. Recent incidents in Washington DC brought that police force into the national spotlight, as well (details here).

It's a shame that good people get tainted by the behaviors of a few, but that's the reality of many things in life. And - watching this there can be no doubt that this is a hate crime. The sight of a person peacefully standing with their hands up suddenly getting tazed not once but twice isn't something anyone could reasonably argue as otherwise.

Is this any different than the brutal attack on a transwoman in a Baltimore McDonald's earlier this year? As a matter of fact - it is. Because these attackers worked for the government - the Bureau of Land Management - so they had "authority". I find this to be doubly troubling because BLM is part of the Department of the Interior, and I was just there last month to speak and do trainings. I saw the commitment to respect at the highest levels for myself. But the oath that government employees take to protect the Consitution is nowhere to be found as this poor woman writhes helplessly on the ground.

So - the take away from all of this is that we're making amazing progress but we're still being brutalized, humiliated, dehumanized, and disrespected every day. Daily indignities continue to be the norm for many if not most. And Newton's Third Law stating that every motion has an equal and opposite re-action is very much alive and well.

As a side note, while I think it's critical to recognize that although it's important to embed our values in our foreign policy and to articulate them clearly for all to recognize, we've still got lots of work to do here at home, too.

As for me - I'm heading to the gym. I took yesterday "off" but I'm hoping for a good, long, brisk 5-mile jaunt on a treadmill. Then? Dinner and the most civilized part of the day.....a glass of red wine.

Well Lived

2011-12-05T14:57:00.000-08:00

I recently shared an article on FB about model Lea T on the cover of Brazil Elle magazine.

I find these kinds of things to be significant advances in the ongoing socio/cultural battle of validation, similar to the recent participation of Chaz Bono on DWTS. I grew up at a time when the only possible way I'd see anything remotely resembling trans anything was once or twice a year when Phil Donahue would have a show on it. And even then, the topics and the depictions were stereotypical, unflattering and other than simply letting me know that there were others like me out there they probably did as much harm as good.

Fast forward to today, when we're taking an active role in all aspects of our social fabric, not simply as trans people but as men and women (regardless of surgical status!) who also happen to be trans. It's amazing.

This discussion of what constitutes a "real" man or woman, or who is trans anything and who is not, can quickly devolve into a pissing match were everyone gets wet and someone feels they need to "win" because they see things differently. I generally avoid stepping in that pile because my feelings on it are pretty clear. And they haven't changed. If anything, they've solidified....

I also shared some information on the CNN Dialogues event in Atlanta that I'll be doing next week (details here). It's a live event - the 3rd (and last) in the series - that CNN describes as "a series of community discussions on major topics shaping our times, led by leading thinkers of the day".

I'm looking forward to this. I like the fact that it's going to be live - there's a unique dynamic of a live event that's unlike anything else. Anyway, if you're in the Atlanta area and cat attend I think it will be well worth the time. It should be interesting.

I've felt kinda "blah" this weekend. Not mentally - but physically. The wear and tear of losing weight to get down to my weight-class gets sapping once it gets to a certain point. Needless to say, I'm at that point. I remember last time how yucky the last week or 10 days was. Here we are again. As of yesterday I was within an hour in a plastic suit of my limit. I expect I'm not there any more as I had a wonderful dinner with friends that helped to add some much needed energy.

I'm going to need it. I'm here this week. I've got a quick cross-country trip (flights, thankfully) this weekend. I fly to Atlanta next Wednesday for the CNN event. I fly to Dallas Thursday, I do weigh-in's on Friday, the US Open Women's Nationals happen all day Saturday, then I fly home on Sunday. Oy.

I was talking with a friend about all of this recently. My life is more full now than it has ever been. My career, my interests, physically, mentally and spiritually, important relationships in my life - all are blossoming right now. I keep thinking that things will slow down but they rarely do and even then, only for a while. And the energy that it takes to keep it up always seems to find a way to recharge itself.

Back to the beginning of this post - the article on Lea T. I've said for as long as I can remember that this journey for me has been all about embracing life rather than enduring it and the opportunities to do that have never been greater. Donna was forced to hide for a long, long time and in some very real ways I suppose I'm trying to fit a lot of life into a relatively little bit of time. I don't necessarily need to understand it or explain it or rationalize it - it just is.

Once all is said and done I hope that my epitaph will be a short one: "A life well lived." It really is that simple. That's easier to achieve when you're not afraid, or when you can keep your fear in perspective. I like to think I do that pretty well.

Needs

2011-12-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

One friend (you know who you are) recently wrote to indicate that recent posts here seemed to indicate that I was having a "rough time" in some capacity or another and that she hoped I was ok. I truly appreciate that she took the time to express her concern, and to offer a cyber hug despite the fact we've never actually met in person.

I want to take a moment to allay any similar concerns. While it's true that there's a significant amount of upheaval and change in my world right now, change that I didn't really anticipate, I feel compelled to say that the change is happening as a result of unexpected opportunity. It has involved a bit of a life pivot, but I've come to appreciate the value of overall life agility and awareness as critical life skills.

One of the things I learned in college that has come in surprisingly helpful over the course of my life is the concept of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. The simplest explanation is that it is a pyramid of increasingly complex human physical and emotional needs, all of which need to be addressed to reach the point of becoming "self-actualized". Lowest level needs are those we need to address simply to live - food, shelter, etc. - higher levels address deeper levels of needs (ie, to be appreciated, to be loved, etc). Anyway - I find this model to be an important life guide...

I've made some crazy, irrational decisions in my life believe me. Thankfully, I have survived (and actually learned from) them all, and they're nothing to be sorry for. But recently I've been addressing some of those lower level needs. I'm actively making decisions to address them, rather than to try and address higher levels hoping that more basic needs will somehow get met.

This isn't a bad thing. It's just a thing. There's actually something exciting in life about new beginnings and in a way this is one of those. A new beginning that addresses a bunch of things.

I have found it to be important to have various life "guides" to help provide direction at any point in time. Another helpful one for me is something I've mentioned before - Kalhil Gibran's "The Prophet" provides a significant measure of wisdom that sometimes calms the seas. I find that one passage, in particular, makes itself relevant over and over again in my world. It's the passage titled "On Reason and Passion" (read it here).

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite.
Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.
But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?

Good stuff.

And I do love all my elements. My reason, my passion, and the balance I sometimess have to force myself to find between the two. One, by itself, makes me too measured and careful. Those things don't always come easy to me. And the other, alone, can make me too impetuous and reckless. It's finding that middle ground, or at least being able to recognize to which side you need to lean sometimes, that truly provides the kind of life guidance you need sometimes.

So, back to real life now, those are the key elements in my world at the moment. Measured reason and managed passion. And the end result is good overall focus, a cautious sense of optimism, a comfortable life speed and general direction, and a continuing awareness of self. I hope all the above continue for a long time....

I certainly can't speak for anyone else but one of the real values of my transition was a clearer understanding of self and life direction. The gender part was certainly a critical component - perhaps the most visible one - but it can't and shouldn't overshadow the fact that it can be so much deeper than that. The process of gaining congruence involved change across every aspect of my "self", it was not simply physical. As difficult as it was to concieve and do at the time, I suppose that's partly why it has become such a critical continuing aspect of my life.

Anyway - that's a lot of words and I don't expect it will make sense to some, or even most. But this blog is as much my opportunity to express myself to myself as it is to try and share with others. It's a form of therapy. That's why I continue to do it. Because it works....

Tuesday night was Happy Hour at a local Japanese restaurant with $5 martinis and wonderful hors d'oevres. Today I got my hair done (one of life's simple pleasures) but will most likely squander it by going for a sweaty run at the gym. Tomorrow after work one of my co-workers and I are going to the Art Walk (the first Friday of every month) in downtown Charleston for a little art, a little food, and a little "adult beverage". Saturday I've got a number of errands to run and some work to do. Sunday it's supposed to get back up to 70 sunny degrees here, and I may go to the Holiday Parade or simply go for a long bike ride. I don't get these kinds of "down" weekends very often so I suppose I should appreciate it while I can. I've got a bunch of traveling coming up...

I recently learned that two of my worlds are intersecting. I'll be doing an event in Atlanta in a couple of weeks with Johnny Weir, the figure skater. And, most of the make-up I buy is made by MAC. Johnny just happens to be the spokesmodel for the most recent MAC collection, "Glitter and Ice". Now I'm doubly intrigued.

Onwards. Time to get to the gym. I've got a number of training miles to run before going home and having dinner. Back to my hierarchy of needs - both are demanding attention right now. :)

The last few days.

2011-11-29T03:29:00.000-08:00

I wrote this on Saturday but never posted it. I'll share "old" stuff before getting to new...

Saturday November 26, 2011

6:05 am
This morning was the second early-early morning in a row. Yesterday we set the alarm to get up and go shopping. Today, I had to get up, finish packing, and get to the airport for my 7am flight. I’m sitting at the gate waiting as I type this.

The airport isn’t crazed yet here in Dallas. A couple of people have run by me in the last couple of minutes, obviously late, and their reactions have been interesting to watch. One had a sudden, “Oh sh*t” moment when he realized that his plane was gone. The other tentatively approached her gate and had one of those “Thank G*d!” rushes as she realized it had been boarded, but was still at the gate. Sometimes there’s a fine line between “Oh sh*t “and “Thank G*d”. In this case, it was a matter of minutes.

The trip has been very enjoyable. Picture perfect, actually. And just as each Thanksgiving is memorable for some reason this will be memorable because of its comfort. And fun. I had fun.

The travel has been relatively painless. The time with my mom was great. She had her little list of things that she needed done (ie take her winter clothes out of one closet and move them to another) and as always I’m happy to be able to help just as I think she’s happy to still be able to “mom” me. I had a pair of pants with a missing stitch that she fixed. See – I have my own little list too. ☺

There were actually three of us around for most of the last few days. Mom, me, and Jamy. I’ve known Jamy for a number of years and at one point she actually livied in my mom’s in-law apartment. She has become like extended family in recent years after her own mother rejected her . She transitioned a number of years ago and her mother has never been accepting of her so my mom has become kind of a pseudo-mom for her. As I said – I think my mom still enjoys “momming” and that includes Jamy. One of the morals of all of this is that family isn’t always genetic – you can build family pretty much anywhere.

Several of the larger retail chains opened at Midnight on Black Friday. When my alarm went off at 4:45 yesterday I thought THAT was friggin’ early. But as with other years I’ve done this half the fun of it is in the experience of it all. It’s hard to express that in words to someone who has no appreciation for it, but for others who were similarly entertained early yesterday it makes perfect sense.

My main targets yesterday were shoes and clothes. In my new role I’ll be meeting with stakeholders so there’s a higher level of “style” involved than simply sitting in an office working with technical people. So yesterday’s excursion was all about clothes and shoes, and I’d have to say that it was wonderfully successful in both regards. Really.

Macy’s. The Gap. DSW Shoe Warehouse. Nordstrom Rack. Forever 21. All of them got some of my $$$ lovin’ yesterday and I’m feeling like I got smokin’ deals in return so it was all win/win. The funny thing is that I bought so much I had to buy a new suitcase to lug it all home, which was also a Black Friday special buy.

We were going from 6am until almost 5 in the afternoon and it was uniformly fun. We had a blast. Then it was time for leftover turkey, pie, chilling, and bed.

Monday November 28, 2011

11pm
It's raining outside. I can hear it on the window. I was just thinking that I can't remember the last time I was in rain. And the next week is supposed to be sunny, but cooler. Fine by me. Because cooler is still in the 60's - not the teens or twenties or even thirties.

Today has been one long day. I was up at 4, at work by 6, spent 3+ frustrating but ultimately successful at the DMV registering my car, took some training courses, and tried to go for a run at the gym afterwards but ended up bagging it due to a stitch in my side. I'm chillaxing before turning out the light and just calling it a day.

One news story that I can't let pass without comment is the announcement today that Barney Frank will not seek re-election in 2012 (story here). I realize that there are people that hold him in very high esteem, and will spend the time between now and then falling all over themselves singing his praises. Try as hard as I might, I'm not one of those people.

Legacy. I will forever remember him as the guy who accidentally did the trans community a huge favor when he dissed us over ENDA because it helped us to find our voice. It forced the broader community to consider the line between LGB and T in a new way and the outcome was transformative. So rather than holding a grudge in an ironic way I suppose I should thank him. But the things I'm thanking him for are by-products and back-fires of his fatally flawed, short-sighted, spineless strategy and his universe-sized sense of ego.

NCTE issued a press release honoring him already (read it here).

"While the relationship between Congressman Frank and transgender people has not always been smooth, the truth is that he has pushed very hard for trans rights in Congress and the administration over the last few years."

Hasn't been smooth? That's an understatement. It hasn't been smooth, and in my opinion it's still not smooth nor will it be any time between now and doomsday despite the hiring of Diego Sanchez to his staff. I suppose they need to play well with others since they're a political organization and Barney is big fish in that pond, but I for one will not be singing his praises any time soon.

Tuesday November 29, 2011

5am
My sleep patterns are all messed up. I'm not quite sure why, and I'm not feeling too overly tired yet, but I woke up at 2 something after less than 4 hours of sleep. By 3 I realized I wasn't going to fall asleep again so I got up, got ready for work, and got out the door. I think part of it is simply that I'm just enjoying what I'm doing career-wise right now and without other significant distractions I'm throwing myself into it. It feels a little like when I first started at Dell over ten years ago. Anyway - good, positive energy flowing there and I hope it continues.

Despite a number of competing priorities I'm finding that I'm doing well focusing right now. I'm being purposely vague on a number of details and I don't expect to fill in the blanks any time soon. But as I look at various scenarios of how things might play out over the next few weeks I'm hopeful in a number of ways.

I got on the scale to see the damage I did to myself with all the eating over Thanksgiving and was pleasantly surprised to see that I'm exactly where I want to be. Phew. I've been trying on slacks over the past few days and although I rarely weigh myself I generally gauge things based on how my pants fit. I'm still generally a size 4 which is where I want to stay.

That's it for now. The last few days have been busy but productive, generally good, and very full. Over the next couple of weeks I've got a quick cross-country trip planned, I've got the CNN event in Atlanta, I've got the US National Wrestling Championships in Dallas, and I've got lots to do on the home front. As usual - I don't expect things to slow down any time soon. And I'm ok with that.

Crazy, or just crazed?

2011-11-22T19:24:00.000-08:00

I'll be the first to admit it. I'm crazy.

What prompts me to share this about myself? Well, first of all, it's probably no secret. Crazy is simply an altered state of mind sometimes.

I'm crazy because my beloved Buffalo Bills have turned a once promising season into a train-wreck (see an oh-so-true story here). Again. And I can't help but wonder if they had tanked from week one as expected whether it would be less disappointing. But in a line from Avatar, "Eventually, you've got to wake up". And we did. To a nightmare.

The craziness is that my team is my team, thirty years ago, twenty years, ago ten years ago, today, and for however long I know who I am. I can't help it. It's not a choice, believe me, because I'd much rather a follow a team that actually won Super Bowls once in a while. But we don't. And, they're still my team.

I'm nothing if not loyal. Or crazy.

More specifically, though, I'm crazy because I'll be at an airport tomorrow. On the busiest travel day of the year (42.5 million of us will be traveling for Thanksgiving!) I'll be flying to Dallas to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. Then, I'll do it in reverse over the weekend. If that's not crazy I don't know what is. At least I'm not alone (there are 42.5 million of us), and for others who may be in the same pickle you might want to take a look at this T-Day Travel Survival Guide.

But as I've said in years past Thanksgiving is a special Holiday for me. It is unique each year because it truly does provide time to pause and give thanks. And I do.

It's a time for family, and with my mom at 82 years old I'm thankful for every Thanksgiving we get to spend together. For her I'm willing to brave airports, and crazed people, and more general travel upheaval. Why? Because its' my mom, because I'm crazy, and...I'm nothing if not loyal. And I'm consistent.

This has been a whirlwind week. I've started a new project so I'm buried deep under the weight of on-boarding. I'm finishing up some loose ends, while at the same time trying to arrange other complicated logistics. It's been a good week, though, and I hope it continues as such.

Tonight the small group that's my workgroup (3 of us) went out for Happy Hour. It was our first opportunity to bond outside of the 10 hours a day we spend looking at each other across our desks. Plus alcohol is a wonderful team builder and/or social lubricant.

We've been filling out background check forms, taking online training courses, and generally coming up to speed very quickly - we've all been hired specifically for this monster project. And after tonight's time together I can honestly say we're a pretty cool group and I'm looking forward to our working together. I like our dynamics...

But back to the crazy thing....Last year I drove down to Charleston from Harrisburg with a turkey in my trunk. I left the house at 4am in hopes of getting there in time to cook, and then eat. I did. I can say without hesitation that I'd much rather be in the air over the next few days than in a car. But I may find myself choking on those words by the time I get back. I hope not.

I have a couple of interesting things to share tonight before I get to bed...

One is an intriguing study that finds that Trans workers who are "Out" at work have higher overall job satisfaction (see details here).

Another is the recent publication of a new book titled "The Lives of Transgender People" (see story here). I remember a time when there were no books at all about the lives of trans people - period. That's one of the reasons I published mine, because it would have been so helpful for me at the time. And although I haven't read this book I think it's important to have these kinds of mainstream opportunities to share. Columbia University Press published this book, and that's the same publisher who published my dads last books. Getting that kind of recognition from an academic press isn't easy - Lord don't I know - so although I admittedly don't read much, I'm intrigued.

And with that - I'll wish anyone and everyone who somehow happens to read what I share here a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving. May you be safe, be happy, and be at peace - wherever you are.

TDOR

2011-11-20T04:45:00.000-08:00

I've gotten pretty good at guessing the weight of my big red suitcase when it's full. There was a time when I actually weighed it to make sure it wasn't over 50 pounds. Now, I've got a fair sense of what 50 pounds feels like. When I went to the airport today I guessed that it weighed 49 pounds and it weighed exactly 50. Phew.

I didn't make it to the NGLCC Dinner on Friday night. The day felt like the culmination of my cold and by the time late afternoon rolled around I was tired and achy and just couldn't imagine having to go out, or to inflict my germs on others. So I stayed home, had some Nyquil, and fell into a stupor well before 11pm. I've been feeling gradually better, but it's still holding on.

This weekend the Transgender Day of Remembrance will be recognized at services around the country, and around the world. It continues to pain me that the single day of the year that brings us and our allies together is a day that's dedicated to the memory of our dead. But it's a somber reminder that the world in which we live is still a very difficult, dangerous place for those who are different (see list of 2011 dead here).

Beyond each name, each of these people was a life. A living, breathing person whose time on earth was cut short because someone brutalized them and took that life. But they didn't take their personhood, nor did they take their identity. So coming together and reading these names and hearing these stories needs to be as much a celebration of their authenticity as an opportunity to grieve and mourn.

Being part of these events often provokes a number of strong emotional responses. Anger. Sadness. Confusion as to how horrific things like this can happen. But the hope is that these emotions can become focused in productive ways to change the world, not to simply accept it as it is.

Just this past week a trans woman was shot and killed on the street in Hollywood CA (story here) and a burned, dismembered body that had been sitting in the Detroit morgue for 3 weeks was identified as that of a 19-year old transgender teen (story here). The carnage continues. But so, too, does our resolve to hold those who do these crimes accountable, to confront the reasons they happen, and to ensure that the memory of our dead endures.

For many, this is a time of community. Events that I've attended through the years have been a wonderful mix of trans people of all kinds and ages, and our allies. But I hope none of us is naive enough to believe that coming together once a year to mourn is enough. Indeed, there's an article in Huffington that says it better than I could (read entire article):

In marking this TDOR, it is time for leaders in the LGB communities to admit that they need to do more. Transgender individuals are a small minority of the LGBT community but are also the ones who need the most support this day and age. I ask you to imagine being a transwoman walking down the street and how many hateful epithets you would have to tolerate in order to pick up a gallon of milk or visit a doctor's office.

Or imagine a child at 13 or 14 being disowned and having no safe space to turn to -- no school, no shelters, and no public services ready or willing to take her in except for law enforcement, who will many times pick up young transwomen on suspicion of prostitution, whether there is valid evidence or not.

Or imagine a 19-year-old girl being dropped off at an acquaintance's home by a taxi on a Sunday night and finding three men on the lawn waiting for her. Imagine them kidnapping, torturing, decapitating, dismembering and burning her alive for sport, as young, raucous boys would to a Barbie doll. Imagine them chucking her torso on the side of a highway, with absolutely no regret or sense of immorality. Imagine being the mother called into the morgue to identify a defiled torso as your daughter. Swallow that bitter pill of reality and tell me that marriage is the most important issue for the LGBT community in 2011. For several in the transgender community, it might as well be 1969 all over again, because nothing has changed for them.

Yet there are many organizations that espouse to support the transgender community, but really what they are doing is splitting hairs. In light of Shelley Hilliard's charred torso, the actual amount of money and human resources that most LGBT organizations devote to transgender services is insulting.

It's all true. And that, too, needs to change. But it's not going to change by itself....

Last year at this time I was in Harrisburg PA where we held a candlelight vigil on the steps of the Capital. The year before I was at Grand Valley State University in Michigan where we held a similar event on a similarly chilly evening. I'd have to go back into my blog archives to figure out where I was the year before that. In 2003 I was in DC and a small group of us met on the freezing cold steps of the US Capitol Building.

At DOR 2003

This year I'm traveling. I'm in a hotel. And some things in my life are very much in flux right now. But I do not and will not forget - not simply today but throughout the year - that any one of us could be memorialized next year, or the year after that, or the year after that. As long as we live in a culture that stigmatizes us, demonizes us, dehumanizes us, and targets us - we're all at risk. But we're not hiding, going away, or falling silent. Because to do so would be to admit that those who violate us have won.

But they haven't. And, they won't.

What Next

2011-11-18T14:24:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day I've woken up in quite a while and not had something pressing to do. Good thing, too, because my cold doesn't seem to want to stop and I think I was awake and tossing last night as much as I was in some level of sleep. My Nyquil stupor lasted until noon.

Today is a day of rest, and hopefully of healing up. I've got a ticket to the NGLCC National Dinner in DC tonight but the rational voice in my head tells me I need to stay home and get some rest, not out gettin' fancy. I'd really like to see friends that will be there, but the next week will be a crazy one so I need to be careful.

I'm at another of those interesting places in life. Competing options but no clear decisions. Chapters thought closed becoming open again, and others that seemed to be just beginning now seemingly delayed or abridged or just plain cancelled. And as I consider the options in front of me I can't shake the practical realities involved.

When I arrived here last weekend I was unsure of where I'd go when the week was over. There were a number of options and considerations that made things complicated. But as the week has passed those decisions have been made - for better or for worse - so although there are a myriad of things I don't know right now there are some things that I do.

What I do know is that I'm beginning some new work on Monday. It's a long-term project that I had been working on, that came to fruition late in the game, but other considerations sidetracked things for a bit. After some serious contemplation and soul-searching I've decided that I'm going to give it a chance. I also expect to go to Dallas to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. It's an important Family day and we'll spend it together. Other than that - I dunno. But I'm ok with that.

I had a planning meeting today with the producer from CNN who has been arranging the CNN Dialogues event in Atlanta. It's time to arrange travel and I had to make my best guess as to where I'll be coming from and where I'll want/need to go when it's done. Anyway - those decisions are made and we'll see how things unfold.

I'm also reflecting on what a good week this was. It was truly a joy to be involved in the various efforts that I did this week and I'm both happy and relieved that my voice and my energy both seemed to last despite this nagging cold. Thanks to everyone who attended and provided good, positive energy. That helped.

I have come to recognize how important a driving force that is in my world....Positive Energy. As much as anything physical or tangible it's something I feel, something I need, something that attracts me, something that empowers me. I like to think I have some and that I share some, but I also need it in others especially when I'm running low on it myself. It's like a fuel and although I realize that this sounds like a bunch of metaphysical hooey it's something very clear to me.

In something more concrete, the US Dept. of Justice issued a statement today recognizing the Transgender Day of Remembrance (see it here). I've seen several people who have referred to this as "amazing", and I'll add my voice to that chorus. But being here in DC this week, working at the levels that I have and gauging the level of interest and involvement that there is, I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.

Next week I'll be buried in new "stuff". As for now - it's time to relax for a change. Then, what next.

Quite the week

2011-11-17T12:14:00.000-08:00

In the midst of all this coming and going I caught a cold. I'm staying with a friend who has a cold but, thankfully, my flavor of cold is significantly milder than her flavor of cold. She's coughing, has a nose running like a faucet, and has had a fever of 102. The main issue with my own cold is a raw, sore throat. And I'm just feeling worn down. But given enough cough drops and Tylenol it's far from a show-stopper.

Today's talk at the DOI was very probably in the nicest location I've even spoken in. There's an 800 seat auditorium just off the entrance to the building that President Obama used for the Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal Signing Ceremony. There was an interpretor, two big video cameras - very impressive. They taped the talk so I'll be interested to see the results.

Yesterday's training sessions to support a transitioning employee there were equally as successful, and the surroundings were no less historic. We were in the 7th floor Penthouse at the DOI, and it was the room where FDR used to give his "Fireside Chats" We got a brief tour of the room that used to hold all the sound equipment - if walls could talk that room could certainly tell quite the story. Anyway, it's quite the amazing building.

And, Tuesday night's event at Georgetown was successful as well (story here). All things considered, this has been quite the week.

This has been quite a week in several aspects of the trans world, as well. Massachusetts passed a state-wide anti-discrimination law through both houses (story here). And as I mentioned last week yesterday's Anderson Cooper daytime talk show was devoted to the topic of trans kids (story here).

video platform video management video solutions video player

All things considered, it has been quite the week.

Now - time for a nap. I've earned one. :)

So worthwhile

2011-11-15T21:00:00.000-08:00

This will be a short post. It's almost midnight, and I'm dead tired.

I'm staying with friends in Northern Virginia for a week of events in the Washington DC area. I took the train here on Saturday - very pleasant, and far more autumn color than I expected. Sunday was a "calm before the storm" day. And yesterday was - well - the start of the storm.

I've got a number of full days this week. Yesterday I did 2 training events to support an employee transitioning at the US Geological Survey. Today I gave two different talks at Georgetown University, and had a planning meeting of the Dept. of the Interior.

Tomorrow I do an entire day of training with various groups to support an employee transitioning at the DOI. And on Thursday I do an event to which all Federal Employees are being invited. I hope that both my voice and energy can last that long.

Half of the craziness is about trying to get from place to place where I need to be. Today I was on trains, busses, cabs, a couple of miles of walking ---- it's a good thing it never started raining. But somehow, it all works out. And if I didn't have a cold at the beginning of the week I'll have a cold bu the end of the week because people are coughing all over the place. Tis the Season, I suppose. And although the weather has been unseasonably warm over the past days it has already started raining and that changes some of the dynamics.

These kinds of opportunities are huge. I'm thrilled to be an active participant in things so worthwhile.

Lots of Ones

2011-11-11T12:45:00.000-08:00

Today is 11-11-11. I put a little video up on FB to commemorate the day. I was actually planning to do it at 1:11 but got a phone call so it was a little late. Oh well.

I have been in Charleston all week and it seems that the pace of things has been pretty brisk. Between work, taking care of various loose ends, preparing for some stuff I'm doing next week, working out a couple of times, meeting a couple of friends for dins, and general running around the days have flown by. And since my time zone clock is all messed up I haven't been sleeping well, which actually makes the day more productive because there's just more time.

I'm a big believer in having options. I've got a number of significant options in my world right now and have been weighing them - it hasn't been easy. I even called my mom the other night to discuss with her. I think she enjoyed momming me - it's not often that I call her and really want her opinion on things. And these are not small things...these are pretty big things.

Anyway - nothing has been settled yet because I'm still weighing options and haven't talked with everyone I need to talk with. But I suppose it's better to have options than to not.

I'll be on a train all day tomorrow. It's a 10 hour trip from here to DC on Amtrak and costs $82 with AAA discount. Not bad. I'd pay that much any day to avoid having to deal with the I-95 craziness around DC, and the thought of sitting in a big chair with AC power watching a movie or two is much more pleasant than trying to fight crowds at the airport. The weather up and down the east coast this weekend is shaping up as very pleasant late fall weather, with sun, so I truly can't complain.

I'm going to DC for several reasons. On Monday I'm doing a trainnig for a government agency for an employee transitioning there. On Tuesday I'm speaking at Georgetown University (link here), and there are a couple of planning meetings. I'd love to be able to go to the NCTE event but schedules won't allow it.

Wednesday and Thursday I'll be doing trainings all day at another agency for another employee who will be transitioning. And Friday - well, that hasn't filled up yet. We'll see how it goes. :)

That's a condensed list of stuff going on in my world right now. Thankfully - I'm ok with it all. For now.

Off to the gym. I need to get a good run in before being cooped up in a train all day tomorrow. Nothing but fun. :)

Found Again

2011-11-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

I don't have much Jewelry. I suppose it has never been all that important to me. I've got a few necklaces (most of which I bought for myself), less than a dozen pair of earrings, some bracelets, and a few rings (all of which I bought for myself). But if you look at photos of me or see me in person you'll realize I generally wear the same few things most of the time.

One of my rings, in particular, has special meaning. It's a diamond ring I bought a couple of years ago to replace one that had been given to me on my 50th birthday and had been stolen. There's a bunch of back-story to it that I won't go into here, but in the end I decided to replace it and spent quite a bit of time looking for something that I liked, could afford, and "felt" good. Ultimately, I found it.

When I travel I typically put my jewelry in my luggage. But a year ago I was getting ready to go somewhere and decided to put this particular ring someplace different just in case someone ended up looking thru my luggage or something. Anyway - I forgot about it until a few weeks later but by then I'd forgotten where this "someplace different" was. So, although I've looked futiley for it I couldn't for the life of me find it. Until yesterday. It was in one of the pouches of a computer carrying case. Go figure. Anyway - I'm both relieved and happy, and my finger is glad to have it back as well.

I'm tired. I'm back in Charleston as I type this and I'd be glad to be back if the trip to get here wasn't so long and most of what I have to accomplish this week wasn't so much drudgery.

I suppose I should qualify things - when I left here last month and drove 2,200 miles to Arizona - THAT was long. Bur my flight was an Award ticket so my most reasonable options were roundabout routes at off times. The one I chose left PHX at 8:45 Monday night and headed west for 2 hours to San Francisco. I had almost an hour and half wait there before boarding the last flight out of SFO for the day - to Washington DC Dulles - leaving at 11:15.

We landed in DC at 7:00 yesterday morning (I got some sleep on the plane), and after trudging across the entire airport my 8:15 flight left Dulles for Charleston. I landed at 9:30, freshened up a bit, rented a car, and drove to work for the balance of the day. By sleepy-time last night I was beat.

I've got a busy week here. When it's done, on Saturday, I'll take the train from here to Union Station in DC where I'll spend the balance of next week. I'm doing several days of trainings for various governmental agencies, and I'm speaking at the Georgetown University Women's Center in DC Tuesday evening. Then, I'll head back to the desert at the end of the week. The key in all of this is pacing, getting enough rest, and finding time to exersize. That balances out the rest of the craziness.

Speaking of craziness....

Last week a badly worded piece of anti-bullying legislation passed in the Michigan Senate. The legislation contained language that seemed to actually allow bullying, so long as it's based on a sincerely held religious beliefs or moral convictions. Needless to say, given the current climate of heightened sensitivity with regards to bullying and teen suicide the outrage over this misguided law has been building (see details here).

It's going to be the focus of Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN tonight. And, in somewhat related news, Anderson Cooper has a daytime talk show (who knew?) and will dedicate a show to the controversial topic of trans youth sometime in the next couple of weeks. A dream-team comprised of Mara Keisling from NCTE, surgeon Christine McGinn, and thereapist-extraordinaire Dr. Michele Angello from Philadelphia were part of the taping yesterday and from what I've heard so far it went "great".

Speaking of contentious, in Massachussetts they've been working to pass anti-trans discrimination legislation for several years but run up agains the same set of fears (See story here).

Oy.

And while I'm on the topic "visibility" , there's a Reality Show hitting the UK titled "My Transsexual Summer". I'll admit that I'm not a big fan of reality TV - actually I don't watch much TV at all - and it would be easy for this kind of thing to go into the toilet fast. But the reviews I've read are positive ones and universally highlight the broader human stories involved. (see one review here).

One review in particular (see it here) was absolutely glowing:

"...the first (I believe) reality show to concentrate solely on transgender people, is certainly one of the funniest, warmest and thought-provoking reality shows you'll see this year, and depending on whether it maintains its refreshing mix of breezy honesty, compassion and humour or descends into the traditional reality show morass of engineered feuding and all the submoronic rest of it, I might even go to bat for it being one of the year's gems in general."

I hope they can keep it going....

I can't help but think back to a time long ago when I saw a documentary narrated by Lee Remick on HBO titled "What Sex Am I". The year was 1985 and the world was a much different place.

I can point to this particular show as one of those early eye-opening moments in my own journey. There's a scene that begins about 2:30 into it where this younger trans-woman is at home, living with a "big sister" who has already been through it all. After seeing that - it's something I always wondered if I could achieve for myself as I knew more than I cared to admit that I really needed a mentor and a friend to get through it all. The reason I mention it here is that this latest Reality Show seems to take that to a new level.

I can't believe that was over 25 years ago. As a side note, I did some research a couple of years ago to try to find out what happened to the people in the documentary and was sad to learn that this particular girl died of AIDS in the 90's....

The bottom line in all of this is the amazing moment in time in which trans people are living. That's not to say in any way that it's all wonderful and live is always great for us. But I remember a time when it was neither discussed nor spoken. I remember a time when sensational formulaic documentaries popped up a couple of times a year during ratings sweeps. But here we are - past much of that - publicly talking about issues of substance that affect our lives. Bullying. Trans kids. Takaing part in culturally relevant events. Trans people being represented AS people first, who also happen to be some flavor of trans. And more significant opportunities are just over the horizon and I dedicated myself a long time ago to be part of that change.

Agree with me or not - but this is a golden age. It continues to amaze me....

Lastly for today, I took a photo of a late-afternoon dust-storm moving into the Phoenix area last week. It has specific symbolic meaning for me at the moment. I really don't want to go into that part now. But I do think that the photo is kinda cool.

Onwards!

My Spot

2011-11-06T11:28:00.000-08:00

I don't think anyone give anything the read in the National Enquirer much credibility. But a current front-page article says that Chaz Bono will die within 4 years because of liver damage associated with HRT. He's not amused and is threatening to sue (story here).

The thing is that there is a microscopic bit of truth to these kinds of stories. Additional stress on the liver is a by-product of extended hormone use and although there is no timetable nor any degree of certainty of adverse physical reactions it's certainly something to keep an eye on. Every year when I do my blood work careful monitoring of liver function is simply something to be vigilant about.

In my last post I mentioned that I was getting ready to hike up Squaw Peak. It was a beautiful day, and I was pleasantly surprised to be able to go from base to summit in 30 minutes. That's a pretty brisk pace on a pretty steep climb, and I very much enjoyed sitting in my "spot" near the top that overlooks the entire north Valley. It's a place to close my eyes, to clear my mind, and to re-energize my spirit. The other thing I do that feels similarly re-energizing is to stand in the ocean. Anyway - it was a wonderful hike.

My feet dangling from my "spot" on Squaw Peak

I also started wrestling again this past week. Well, a more accurate statement is that I went TO wrestle but there wasn't anyone my age to wrestle with so I ended up doing drills and endurance work. I could write a book on the challenges I've faced simply to find someplace to train and I suppose I've come to perceive it as a test of my creativity and desire as much as anything. But the fact is that the facilities here are among the best in the country so if there's any way to make this happen - the time is now.

My coach is a past World Champion and 2 time US Olympian. He was wonderful to work with as I trained for my events in 2010. We had an honest, frank conversation yesterday to determine if it's worth working together to make the US Olympic Team trials. We discussed the dedication it will take on both our parts and ultimately both made the commitment to do this. We agreed that it'll take a minimum of 4 training sessions per week so it's going to be a significant focus for me for the next few months.

That said, I'm headed back to Charleston this week for a few days for work. Then the following week I've got some work to do in DC. I expect the next few weeks to be interesting for a number of reasons. We'll see how they unfold.

There are a couple of interesting stories to share...

One is titled "Americans increasingly supportive of transgender people, surveys show". We may or may not agree on who is a "good" role-model or who "should" be out there as a public face but those things aren't determined based on any vote or contest. The bottom line, however, is that more and more people are aware of trans "stuff" and I don't perceive that as a bad thing. Whether it be popular culture, athletics, the workplace, places of worship, schools, or any other avenue more and more trans people are being active and breaking down barriers for those who follow. More often than not we're not doing what we do simply to BE visible transpeople. But then again none of us is hiding it either.

How does this continuing recognition help in visible ways? One is news this past week that the IRS is finally agreeing that trans medical expenses are medically necessary and, as a result, are deductible (see story here). This has been dragging on for years and it's nice to see that it is finally over. But I don't know if anyone truly recognizes the many things ultimately affected by these precedents.

Here in Phoenix, the "Reparative Therapy" group is holding their annual conference this week (schedule of events here).

NARTH: Gays Can Get Therapy to Become Straight: MyFoxPHOENIX.com

Oy. Anyway, it's making local news (see a story here).

Lastly - as I type this I've been watching my Buffalo Bills play the Jets. It looks like a beautiful day in upstate NY. I can't remember the last time the Bills played an important game in Buffalo in November but they're not looking good. They're fortunate to go into halftime only down by a field goal. If they plan on doing anything they're going to have to wake up for the second half...

Cold Front

2011-11-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

Weather here in the Valley recently has been uniformly amazing. Daytime sunny highs in the mid to upper 80's and evening lows in the high 40's. Incredibly vivid blue skies. This is the weather that people come here to experience, and they're willing to endure the searing summers that come with the territory to do it.

A cold front is coming through tomorrow that they're forecasting to drop the temperature 20 degrees, pound the state with winds upwards of 50mph or more, dust storms, rain and thunder - they're predicting quite the shift. I'll take all that over the snow that they had on the East coast last week, or that Colorado endured a few days ago. Last year was my LAST year of that kind of thing....guaranteed.

As predicted, making ignorant fun of the Girl Scouts thing in Colorado has become national sport. There are a number of people you can guarantee can and will say something stupid given the chance or the provocation, and Bill O'Reilly is one of those people. His latest (read about it here):

That guy makes my skin crawl.

One of the places where I traditionally go in my world when I need to "connect" is the top of Squaw Peak. I've written about it before, and I even documented one of my climbs from a couple of years ago on YouTube. It's a good aerobic workout, it's a very pretty hike, and my little space at the top is a good place to go to clear my head.

I'm headed there this morning for a much-needed C&C (connecting and cleansing). With all the change happening in my life over the last few weeks and more on the hirozon I'm feeling the need. Anyway - my window of opportunity is short so I'll make the most of it. More than likely I'll need to head back to the east coast next week so today's the day....

Haunted

2011-11-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

We made the 2 hr. drive from Phoenix up to picturesque ghost-town Jerome AZ for Halloween. Jerome is an old mining town that was called the most "wickedest town in the west" in 1903. It's now known for the ecelectic group of people there, it's scenery, and the bars/restaurants that dot the small town. Oh - and plus, many of the buildings there are said to be haunted.

We stayed in a small bed and breakfast and it was absolutely delightful. The people who were in our room the night before left an entry in the room Diary that they had a "ghost meter" with them that went off several times. Maybe so, but things were wonderful. We slept with the window and door to the patio open to get a cool cross breeze. We shopped a bit. I took photos. We strolled. A very nice way to spend Halloween.

I was home last night in time to attend wrestling practice. It's the first time I've been back to the facility where I trained forto the 2010 US Sr. Nationals and it was actually sort of nostalgic to be back. It was certainly nice to see my coach. Wrestling has a unique "smell" to it - the mats, sweat, yucko - and from the moment you walk in you feel that. Anyway, it was a pretty gruelling workout and I'm still recovering from it today.

In mid-December I'll be going to Atlanta to serve on a panel talking about the impact of increased LGBT Visibility that's being presented by CNN and a number of other groups. The title of the series is CNN Dialogues and they've already had a number of them. Here's a description of the topic we'll be discussing (see it here). I'll provide more details as I get them.

I'm looking at video cameras. I've had a number of them over the past several years and all have become obsolete or otherwise "old news" for a number of reasons. I'm still fascinated by the intersection of video and web distribution and you can get some decent cameras for very low prices. Anyway - it's ongoing....

That's it for now. Short and sweet. I'm about to upgrade my iPhone 4 to iOS 5. Keep your fingers crossed.

Spirits

2011-10-31T09:06:00.000-07:00

I sometime go back and read some of the "raw" documentation from the early days of my transition. Some would say that those days are best forgotten and to revisit them is to get stuck in them. I disagree.

I think it's important to recognized how you got someplace to truly appreciate where you are. And, at this point in my life, I'm in a place where I never ever imagined.

My entry from Oct. 28, 1999 is the letter I received from a friend in response to coming out to him. Those early days were filled with coming out to people in my life, and although it has certainly gotten easier over the years I still don't know that it's ever easy. But that's a whole longer discussion than I intend to have here now.

I met this friend through my need for wedding videographers. I had a company that taped 3 or more weddings on most every weekend spring thru fall so I approached the local colleges for creative kids who might be be interested in doing some weekend work. Mark was a fun-loving tall guy - very handsome and smart. He had a great smile, and I remember a time when I joked about his orange skin from drinking too much carrot juice.

Anyway, his letter to me was a pretty deep one:

I have been completely immobilized by your e-mail. I appreciate the opportunity to process this offline. I don’t think I could have had a dialogue without thinking about this first. My friends know that I am more of a "think out loud" thinker. For me to think BEFORE I speak requires a lot of effort and quiet time to sort out my thoughts- I’ve needed a lot of quiet time the last day. This is one of the hardest letters I've ever written.

I have to start by saying I respect you for being upfront with me. I have been trying to define what I feel- Its been very challenging and very difficult. In a book I read a while ago, I wrote down a quote in my dayplanner "...there is no formal difference between the inability to define and stupidity" - I feel really stupid right now. I realized a way of understanding others by having empathy for them. Not the I-feel-sorry-for-them empathy, but to put myself in that persons shoes and try to feel what they feel & understand their situation, not to rush to judgment. The bible says: " ...restore one another in fear and meekness, considering oneself" . I have learned and grown with this advice. It has been extremely helpful in personal and professional life.

I have to say I am so grieved for the pain you, your wife, son family must have (and still are) going through. I can’t say I understand your choice- but I’m a long way from your shoes.

I keep on rewinding to the times we’ve worked together and I see someone who is intelligent, funny, considerate, has integrity, respect, creativity, sincerity and someone who was patient enough to work with a goofy college kid who needed a job. Whether you realize it or not, you affected my life in a great way.

I have a list of attributes that I collect that describes what I value- you had many of the qualities that I value today. What I keep asking myself is what do I value in people. What is the essence or spirit of a person that I value and how does sexuality fit in? Simply, I think a person’s essence is not in their physical heart, but in their brain.

The most important part of what I wanted to share in this is that last paragraph - recognition that the essence of who we are isn't the skin that covers our skeleton but the spirit that resides within. Our essence is spiritual, not physical. I've never been more sure of that.

One news story that caught my attention is a trans college student who was expelled from school because of "fraud". The university says that the student identified as female although identifying as biologically male on an MTV Reality show...

This highlights a couple of things. First - be careful about where you share stuff about yourself. Reality TV, FB, blogs, anything Google-able - it all reaches far beyond what you'd expect so if you're going to do it at least be aware of the risks. But secondly - I would have done the exact same thing (except for the Reality TV part). When I fill out an employment form or something that has a question similar to "List any other names you've been known as" - I leave that question blank. There is always talk about whether or not that's appropriate as it could provide grounds for termination but, really, I don't care. It's nobody's business and I'm not going to share that. Sometimes, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't and this situation seems to be one of those.

There's another recent story about the implications of putting yourself too far out there (read it here). And, another friend deals with implications of appearing in a documentary that seems to get broadcast two or three times a year. Altough she has moved on in her life, it never seems to want to go away...

Oh - On the Girl Scout front, the story made national news (ABC News story here).

Someone I've come to know thru email and on FB competed in a bodybuilding competition in San Diego this weekend, and it's another one of those flashpoints where trans intersects competitive athletics (read about it here).

Today is Halloween. It doesn't really "feel" like Halloween here in the desert - it's supposed to get up to 90 sunny degrees here today. My memories of taking my son trick or treating back in upstate NY involve cold, wet, slush, and lots of yuck. One house along our route had a special "Parent's Aid Station" in their garage where they provided warm apple cider mixed with an adult beverage that warmed you from the inside out.

Speaking of yuck, the northeast got smacked by a freak pre-winter snowstorm this weekend. I saw scenes of it these last couple of days and it made me cringe. We attended Fantasia Fair the weekend before - it would have been an unGodly mess if we had gotten stuck in it. I suppose it's one instance where the timing was just right.

This was a wonderfully chill weekend - my first in a long, long, long time. Between packing, driving across country, traveling for a conference, and other "stuff" I haven't had a weekend to just do whatever in a long time. I enjoyed every minute of it.

Saturday involved washing and trimming all 5 pups, and attending a wrestling event here. I had originally planned to compete in it, but after further consideration I'm saving myself for the US Women's Sr. National Championships to be held in Arlington TX in mid-December. I very much enjoy watching the women compete and yesterday was no different - the national teams from Japan and Canada were there so the level of competition was high. In fact, there was only one US Champion in the entire women's event which is telling given that past world champions and Olympic team members competed.

Yesterday we were at the fitness center for spin class by 9am, and the afternoon was spent watching football and relaxing with friends (Maggie fell into the pool!). The Bills won, and thanks to a New England loss are again in the lead in the division. I saw one "analyst" who suggested that the Bills won't make the playoffs this year because of the difficult patch coming up in their schedule. But one of the reasons that they continue to surprise (which is something I feel about me, as well) is that people continue to underestimate them.

Today we're going to spend the night in a haunted building in a picturesque old ghost town here in Arizona. It seems like the perfect way to spend Halloween. :)

Lastly - something fun. Tracy send me an email full of funny text messages that were altered through auto-correct. There's a website dedicated to this stuff, and I'll admit I can't read them without laughing out loud at least once.

I've been a victim of auto-correct myself a time or two but nothing this serious.

Anyway, if you're in a cranky mood, visit the website and look at the "Best of" lists for the last few months...

Dry

2011-10-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

My hair loves being back in Arizona. It's straight, and soft, and generally very well behaved here. The humidity of South Carolina sometimes frizzed it no matter what I did so I think my hair is glad to be home.

Everything else is dry, too, which is taking a little getting used to. My nose is dry. My mouth is dry. My sinuses are dry. My skin is dry. We had a pretty impressive storm blow through the area late yesterday afternoon (no real impact here, but still very impressive!) and temperatures today are in the mid-80's so it's actually very pleasant. But still, I'm dry.

The 2011 Out and Equal Workplace Summit is happening in Dallas this week (Flickr photos). This is the second year in a row that I've missed it but based on everything else that has been happening in my world there's more need to enjoy a little down-time than to get back on the road again. I enjoy reconnecting with friends there, and the collective energy of 2000+ corporate advocates from around the world is something you've got to experience to "get".

I also think it's representative of the good balance in my world right now. I'm training for the 2011 US Sr. Women's Wrestling Championships in Dallas in December, my world got turned upside down when I met Tracy, I'm doing some training over the next few months, my career seems to be solid right now, my health is good, and all things considered I'm very careful about letting myself get pulled in too many directions. The key is recognizing that sometimes you can't do everything and to get comfortable with letting things you've traditionally done go. I'm still working at that, but it's getting better.

There was a news story earlier this week about a young trans child who was told "no" by the Girl Scouts in Colorado. Well, after further review the Girl Scouts released a statement indicating that their policy is actually to support and welcome trans kids (details). I figure that this will get lots of discussion and airplay for a few days. Expect Fox News faux-psychologist Keith Ablow to swallow his tongue over this one...

It may even overshadow the fact that Chaz Bono was eliminated from DWTS last night (details).

Anyway - I digress. I was talking about balance....

I brought Maggie back across country with me. She was born near Phoenix so this is actually "home" for her, too. Mags has been an only dog for 8 months now, ever since my son took Codie to be with him in Austin. In all honest, I think she has been happier as an "only dog" as there's no competition for attention or affection. And I do think she enjoyed our time together in Charleston.

But just as I'm very much in uncharted territory right now so too is she. She's part of a "pack" - Tracy has 4 wonderful dogs. I think we were both a little wary about how she'd be accepted or how she'd take to the multitude of tails and tongues but I can say without reservation that she's done better than I imagined. The group has warmed to her, and she very much seems part of the gang at this point. I'm tremendously happy for her (and relieved too).

I'm finishing up work and getting ready to head for the fitness center for a run. Some things never change... :)

Time will Tell

2011-10-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

It is Tuesday morning and I'm finally feeling almost human again after a much-needed good night's sleep. The last week has involved a 2,200 mile cross-country drive, a couple of days of unpacking and repacking before flying back across country again for Fantasia Fair in Provincetown, a 36 hour stay there, and then 20+ hrs of packing, driving and flying to get back home. My time zones are messed up, my internal clock is confused, I'm in generally uncharted territory for me, and I'm awash in things that need to get done. I hope I can finally focus a bit now that things are settling down a bit. The good night sleep really helped.

The trip to Ptown for Fantasia Fair was very pleasant. I've never been to that conference before and it was unique in several ways, one of which was the number of people who have been attending regularly for 15 or more years. The town is beautiful, the weather was wonderful, and I think most of the 150 attendees enjoyed their time there. We stayed at a quaint little bed and breakfast that was convenient to everything (see Admiral's Landing). Thanks to everyone there for their wonderful hospitality - I highly recommend it to anyone visiting the area.

My keynote on Saturday was titled "Community Matters". I'm not shy about how I feel on the topic and I appreciate everyone who attended, or who participated in the discussion afterwards. One friend drove up from Philadelphia and another who I haven't seen in 3 years made a special trip from Boston to visit so despite the fact that we were only there for a day and a half we made the most of our time in town.

A friend I've known for several years is at the center of a bit of a brou-ha-ha involving marriage in Texas (details here). With all my traveling over the past week I haven't been paying much attention as (a) I just haven't had the time and (b) her business is none of my business.

I have known Meghan since before she transitioned and she has done some wonderful work. She and her partner have been together for a number of years and are expecting a baby. She knows, just as I do, about the difficult toll that being out and visible as an LGBT activist has on her career, on the relationships in her life, on her credibility, and on her psyche. She's a friend and I can't and won't attack her personally.

I don't require that my friends and I agree all the time. In fact, when Meghan spoke at the HRC Dinner in San Francisco in 2008 in the middle of the ENDA mess I felt that she was doing herself and the community a significant disservice and I wasn't shy about saying so. My friend Chloe was in an ABC documentary a couple of years ago and said a couple of things that I couldn't allow to pass without comment. And I've faced my own share of both public and private criticism, as well.

As I sat with Tracy in Charleston a couple of weeks ago I showed her one of my most prized possessions. It's my birth certificate. I realize that it's only a piece of paper and that it doesn't "define" me, but it's something that's more than simply symbolic in my world. It's something tangible that corrects an unfortunate unseen mistake that happened the day I was born and that impacted every aspect of my life for a long, long time. Long after I've come and gone in this world, the birth record that a baby girl was born in Chicago Laying In Hospital early on that gray February morning in 1959 will endure. Lord knows, that recognition was earned the hard way and is non-negotiable.

I've seen a number of responses to this news - some supportive but many very nasty and upset. Some seem to appreciate the fact that she seems to have used the system's own rediculous-ness against itself while others vehemently attack her. Regardless of anyone's opinion the only person who needs to be ok with whatever happened and why is Meghan.

But this situation has forced me to consider my own distinction between "equal rights" and "special rights" and as much as anything I bemoan that any of us are put into this situation in the first place. To demand recognition as a certain gender in this culture inherently involves certain responsibilities and obligations, and there are times when you simply can't have your cake and eat it too.

I have friends who have heterosexual marriages, who stay legally married after one partner transitions, and are therefore in legally recognized same-sex marriages. Jenny Boylan is a good example, and she wrote about some of the unique considerations and absurdities with regards to trans people and marriage in a May 2009 Op-Ed for the NY Times titled "Is My Marriage Gay?" Why is it that I can justify that particular situation of "bending the rules" but that I seem to have more difficulty with aspects of Meghan's even though I have no idea of Meghan's surgical status? Would I feel similarly about someone involved in a same-sex relationship who transitions simply to get married? It's very murky territory....

So to those who have asked for my thoughts on the subject, it's complicated. All I can say is that for me - Donna - if and when I get married it will be to another women and we will be married as women. Neither of us will be forced to swallow charges of hypocrisy, implications to our integrity, or any loss of dignity in the process. That's not how I've always envisioned my wedding day to be, and I don't see any reason to change my expectations now. As far as Meghan is concerned, I wish her nothing but happiness.

Moving on......

I received an email from someone regarding Wrestling and LGBT athletes:

HBO Sports, Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel is seeking to speak with high school wrestlers or college wrestlers who identify as gay or transgender for a story they are putting together. If you know of any appropriate athletes who are interested in speaking with HBO please would you have them email me...

If you're interested in this or know anyone who might be, send me an email and I'll connect you...

Speaking of LGBT youth - a documentary on Trans Kids produced by the CBC will be shown in Canada soon. Here's a trailer:

It continues to be a very hot topic right now and this effort looks to be a worthwhile one...

Back to me - I mentioned that I'm in uncharted territory right now. I am. That's not to say it's good or bad it's simply to recognize that significant aspects of my life are things I've either never done before or never allowed before. My comfort zone is non-existent right now, but I've learned to be ok with that in the past and my instincts have generally guided me well. It's nice to be at this stage of life and still appreciating major "firsts". I'm hoping there will be several more big "firsts" in the coming months and years. I suppose time will tell....

Welcome Home.

2011-10-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

My drive is done. I traveled 2,178 miles with a piece of duct tape holding one of my front turn-signals in place, a bike strapped to the back, and as much stuffed in the car as would fit. The last leg of the trip was 875 miles between Abilene, TX and Phoenix.

West Texas is no fun to drive across. Even though the speed limit on I20 up through Midland Odessa is 80 mph you can't get out of there fast enough. It's desolate country and I'm glad we covered a good portion of it before and during sunrise.

The last couple of days here have been a blur. My body still thinks that it's in the Eastern time zone so days seem extra long. I've had a wonderful time meeting some people that I've come to know on FB. The pup has done well integrating into her new "pack". And, most importantly, there was a certain smiling fact here to welcome us as we pulled into the driveway. I still pinch myself from time to time so make sure everything that's happening is real.

Home for me now is Phoenix. Again. It feels nice to be home, but it's different for a number of significant reasons that I really don't want to try to explain right now.

I don't have much more to add at the moment. So much to do to get settled, and then we leave tomorrow for Fantasia Fair. Never a dull moment.... :)

Monroe

2011-10-16T05:29:00.000-07:00

As I type this Maggie and I are sitting in a La Quinta Hotel in little Monroe, LA. I stayed at this hotel before on one of my trips between Dallas and Harrisburg last year. It's a little after 6am so it's time to get the day going.

This trip has been one of those things that embodies "Go with the Flow". I had originally planned to leave on Friday after work but a couple of issues cropped up that delayed the departure until yesterday morning. We drove 825 miles yesterday, and have two similar days ahead of us.

We'll be arriving in Dallas today and I'm looking forward to seeing mom. If things had gone according to plan I'd be typing this from her house and not this hotel, but she seemed to take the change in plan in stride. Regardless, we'll be there by this afternoon.

Maggie has been a wonderful travel companion. She's really great on long road trips and actually seems to enjoy them. The days leading up to leaving, though, seemed to concern her. I don't doubt it. She's seen me prepare to travel before where either she didn't get to go, or something else that she didn't like happened. Once we got going she got right into the groove and as I type this she's happy and looking up at me.

I try to stay at La Quinta's when I travel with pup. They've got the best dog policy and although the quality varies they're typically clean and quiet and comfortable. This particular one is very nice and I like the fact that it's one of the kinds where the doors face the parking lot so you can just drive up to your room. I've got a bike strapped to the back of the car and it was convenient to take it off and roll it in without having to go through a lobby, down a hall, or any of that other hassle.

When you're alone in a car for hours on end you've got lots of time to think. As I've gone over recent events I noted that I've had two people in my life over the last few weeks use the term "God's Will" to me. I find it interesting that anyone would presume to know what that is, but yet people want to use it to explain or excuse their own actions or inactions. Regardless...

I'm no theologian, but my spiritual sense is as healthy as it has ever been. I have always envisioned myself as an active participant in my life. That is, that I've been given this chance to live my life and the tools to build something and that it's more than my responsibility - it's my obligation - to make the most of it. I own that, and although I continually thank the Higher Powers for their gifts and their guidance that's all I ask for. I'll do the work to make my life whatever it becomes.

I'm standing on the front edge of some significant things in my world and I'm not afraid. My head and my heart work together to guide me and I've got total trust in how I'm feeling. Eventual outcomes in life are never guaranteed but so long as you go into them with a sense of purpose you'll be fine. I've got a very healthy, strong "Will" myself.

The thing that bothers me with that phrase, I think, is the context in which people seem to use it. It seems more like an excuse, or some kind of "not my fault" if things don't work out thing. And while I appreciate that each of us contemplates our Faith in our own way I just don't buy that.

I recognize God's involvement in bigger things: if I die in my sleep tonight, or if I get hit by lightning, or if I encounter some other "Act of God" like thing. Ultimately, I believe that people must be responsible for their own actions so to define the course of their lives so to justify what happens (or doesn't) as being forced upon them by some larger power is a cop-out. Own it. I'm just saying...

So, whether or not we arrive safely to our destination or not may be part of some larger plan. But whether or not we get out of here by 8:30 is more up to me than God's Will. And, we will...

They just had a story on CNN about some woman who is selling her prized possession - a potato with markings that she says resemble Jesus - on eBay. Oy. Somehow I think the most divine thing about the potato is that it exists at all. The markings, methinks, are happenstance....

Well, the next thing that gonna happen is that I'm going to take a shower. Keep your fingers crossed for another good day on the road. If all goes well we'll be in Texas tonight.

Time to get the car packed back up and on the road. We've got a long way to go today. :)

No Hurry, but I wish it were Sunday.

2011-10-13T17:06:00.000-07:00

IOS 5 for iPhone came out yesterday. And apparently lots and lots of people were in a hurry to get it. Unfortunately, there was a problem that seems more than isolated and some had to scramble back to get their iPhone restored to the factory settings (details here).

I guess I'm not sure what features are so exciting to want it on Day 1 but I'm more than happy to wait for a bit to let the bugs shake out. When iPhone 4 came out there was initially a problem with the antennas and they eventually fixed that by providing a free case (which I got). I also just generally figure that early versions need to go thru their paces before they're really ready for prime time.

I'm getting ready for a road trip. There was a time not all that long ago that getting in the car and driving for 500 or 600 or more miles and then back again was something I seemed to do every other weekend. But thankfully I haven't done a road trip in quite a while so I may have gotten out of practice. The last trip I'd classify as a "road trip" was when I drove between Charleston and Rochester over July 4.

There are lots of good things about this trip, one of which is being able to visit with my mom. I haven't seen her for several months so the 1100 miles of road between here and there will be gone before you know it. I do admit that road-warrior is not something I want to get in the habit of doing or being anymore. But it's not something I'm shy about when necessary either.

I was chatting with a friend this evening saying that if I could take a pill and wake up, and it'd be Sunday night, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I can't do that, so I'll do what needs to be done....

Next weekend I'll be in Provincetown for Fantasia Fair. The extended forecast is calling for partly sunny skies with high temperatures in the low to mid 50's. That's fall. I hope the leaves are still bright, too. That'd be sweet...

It's no secret that it's already election season. The Presidential election doesn't happen for over a year but all the posturing and all the games that get played started months ago. I can't speak for anyone else but it's almost like seeing Christmas decorations shortly after the 4th of July - it just ruins things. It is unfortunate that this kind of silliness has come to pass itself off for politics these days but apparently it has.

Does anyone think that recent gains made in the LGBT world won't be the target for the right? Those who supported equality and those involved in supporting DADT, or the ongoing effort to repeal DOMA, or would sponsor ENDA - it attracts the wingnuts like a magnet.

In one recent story, a Republican Florida Congresswoman is under attack for supporting repeal of DOMA because her son is trans (story here). I'd support my child, too. That's more than simply being a good parent. That's being a good person.

Anyway - lots to do before I hit the road tomorrow so this is gonna be short and sweet. I'm praying for good weather, good traffic, safe roads, well-behaved car, and time passing quickly. The clock is ticking....

Falling

2011-10-12T04:30:00.000-07:00

Fall is here. We've been smack-dab in the middle of a flow of wet, cooler air pumping up from the storm in Florida that's being held in place by a High Pressure system to our west. It' finally headed out of here later today, although if you live on the east coast you're gonna see this thing come splashing through.

We've had on and off rain, some pretty impressive winds, and general "wet" for several` days now.

I took a bunch of wet fall photos while taking the pup for her morning walk today. These kinds of days have been relatively infrequent and I wanted to be sure to remember them.....

I enjoy autumn. It has a unique "feel" to it for me. I was asking myself the other day if it has always been this way for me, or if this ability to "feel" things is a relatively new phenomenon in my world. I find I have a deeper connection to "stuff" that seems to involve some layer of emotional attachment (or detachment, as the case may be) and fall is one of those things....

For example, I've had more apples in the last week than in the entire last year combined. Delicious Honey Crisp apples. Soooooo good. Apples (and caramel!) are fall food.

Winter, on the other hand, is a whole other story. My emotional response to cold and snow is to avoid it.

One of the best parts of 'being" over recent years has been the integration of my emotions into pretty much everything. That was hard to handle at first because my mind wasn't wired like that so the addition of so much emotion tended to overload me from time to time. But now I can't imagine NOT feeling the things I do or the things that happen in my life, both for better or for worse.

I mentioned a while ago that I still get estrogen injections. Although I could easily go on some low maintenance dose of oral estradiol, that doesn't seem to provide that same level of emotional integration that calibrates my world. And whereas someone can manage hormone levels strictly by the numbers I've come to accept that there is an intangible component to it that can't be measured. Perhaps that's emotional, as well. Regardless, there is no one-size-fits-all solution, and I've pretty much found my own balance there.

Speaking of balance - yesterday was National Coming Out Day. I'm not all that ashamed to admit that I didn't come out to anyone yesterday. Actually, on second thought, I did. I found my best friend from high school, Dave, on Facebook and wrote to him. I don't really expect to hear back but it's something I wanted to do and is part of that "coming out again and again" process that always seems ongoing. But I think of it more as a "re-introduction" than Coming Out in the traditional sense.

As I look back over my time here in Charleston I've only had "the discussion" with a handful of people, most of them on a need-to-know basis. The people who need to know for one reason or another know and that's the way it should be, at least for me. Whoever else knows - I don't really care or worry about that. Although I write about these topics here in my day-to-day world they really don't pop into my head all that often. I think that's why this blog has endured, as it's my ongoing opportunity to express those parts of my life....

Similar to my post a few days ago about my body, I find that being "out" isn't binary. I'm generally out where I want to be out but that doesn't encompass every aspect of my life. It's contextual. And NOT being out isn't because I'm ashamed or trying to keep it secret, it's simply that it's not appropriate for the level of intimacy for any particular interaction or relationship.

I am a cornucopia of letters - not any one thing - in that I'm lesbian, too. It's possible for me to come out as one without coming out as the other. I found it absolutely fascinating to notice some of the people around us as Trace and I walked hand-in-hand around downtown Charleston. No apologies there. And I'll never refer to her simply as "a friend". She's more than that. She's my partner.

The Washington Post ran a blog entry yesterday asking "National Coming Out Day: What does it Mean To You?" Some of the interesting responses:

The problem I see with gay peoplei s that they feel a need to tell people they are gay. I mean I do not care if they are gay or not and I do not think most people do either-so why tell everyone. I do not go out and say "I am straight" who really cares.

And

What does this day mean to me? It means my country has gone so far down the path away from God that we don't even know to be ashamed of our sins. It means the entertainment media and news media have been successful in their attempt to bully and yes "brainwash" us into thinking that we should be ashamed for seeing something wrong with homosexuality. It means this nation cannot long survive. It means those of us who would be true to God's word must have increased courage and willingness to stand on our convictions without being propped up by sympathetic public opinion.

One of the things that I think gets missed in all of this is the process of coming out to yourself and just how important that is in the scheme of things. Whether someone EVER comes out publicly or not as anything, getting past the questioning and the shame and the guilt to accept something about yourself is a difficult, time-consuming, painful process. As far as I'm concerned, NCOD is more about coming out to self, or re-affirming that coming out process, than anything public.

I also think one of the key elements of the day is to recognize those who come out as allies. Being publicly supportive of LGBT people can be problematic for some.

The day is observed throughout the country. San Antonio. Florida. A student at Yale wrote about the need for people coming out to recognize the need to come out to support trans people as well (story here).

What made the biggest difference in my own coming out process? Finding other like me who shared their stories. That single thing helped me to gradually realize that I wasn't as alone as I had felt all those years, that there were others like me out there living happy lives, and that whether you accept something or not doesn't change whether or not it's true.

So - Although I am so much more than a letter or two I take the opportunity to thank those who came before, and to re-affirm my own sense of self as proudly both L and T. And happy. I'm coming out today as H.

Come to think of it, I'm Happy. I'm Energized. I'm very self-Aware. I'm Lesbian. I'm Trans. Did I mention that I'm Happy? And I'm always Yearning for more out of life - so much to do, so little time. So, I guess I'm coming out as HEALTHY. Go figure....

Change in the Air

2011-10-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

Change is good. I keep telling that to myself all the time. And while I realize that not ALL change is good it's one of those oxymorons that the only constant IS Change. Everything changes, and the more comfortable someone is with that reality the easier they can integrate it into their lives.

Change is a topic I've considered for a long time, and this coming week is an other chapter in my ongoing narrative of change. I've had some significant changes lately - welcome, amazing, wonderful changes - that have opened the door to even more change.....

The weather here has gone thru 2 stages of change from summer to fall. The first was typical warm summer weather. These last ten days have been amazing - cooler, sunny, just incredible. But yesterday the wind started blowing from offshore and a storm that's apparently sitting off Florida is getting ready to drench us all week long. I'm enjoying the death throes of summer here while I can.

October is the month for the Fall Tour of Homes and Gardens throughout historic downtown Charleston. Different areas of the cities provide tours, historic discussions, and other things throughout the month. The house I'm living in was the inspiration for what eventually became the Gershwin musical "Porgy and Bess", and iconic Charleston landscape architect Loutrel Briggs lived here in the early 1900's so groups of tourists are always stopping by, taking photos, or trying to peer thru the iron gates at the garden. The history of this complex of 3 buildings indicates that it was once a tenement and housed over 100 people - something I can't for the life of me imagine.

The reason I mention any of this is that the gardens of my house were open as part of the tour yesterday so there was a long line of people streaming through all afternoon long. Thankfully the weather was still pretty nice so the musicians and all the people didn't have to protect themselves from rain. Maggie watched it all with kind of a quizzical look - we don't usually have much traffic through here....

Visitors to my yard as part of Charleston Home & Garden Tour

On other topics...

I like caustic comedian Lewis Black. I find him funny, and his direct tell-it-like-it-is approach to controversial topics can sometimes make me laugh out loud. His recent take on the Chaz Bono DWTS uproar was one of them (he starts talking about Chaz 3:00 into the clip):

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Too funny, and too true.

The Australian High Court recently rendered a decision that will reverberate.

In what may well turn out to be one of the most imperative but controversial judgments made by the Australian High Court of late, the court has on Thursday released its verdict that it is not mandatory for transsexuals, who are looking for official gender reassignment, to undergo painful and expensive reproductive organ operation so as to gain recognition as male or female.

Read it here.

This topic continues to inflame passions both outside and inside the community, but the trend towards social recognition that gender is more than simply physical is a force that continues to move in a progressive direction and no amount of name-calling, whining, or shouting will change that. The beauty of these kinds of decisions is that it sets not only social precedents but legal precedents as well which takes elements of "opinion" out of the discussion in those forums. The Court articulated in a single sentence how I've felt on the topic for a long time:

"Social recognition of a person's gender does not require knowledge of a person's remnant sexual organs", read the verdict released by the Australian High Court.

Amen.

In another of these social visibility opportunities, ESPN aired a documentary on Renee Richards last week as part an ongoing film series (see short clip).

I remember when all of that was happening back in the '70s. She's undeniably the first public person with whom I could identify as I struggled with my own situation as a high school student. And while we've come a long way in so many areas recent events indicate that the intersection of gender and athletics remains a dangerous minefield.

As an athlete I've made a number of friends in the community with others who experience similar challenges. Several of us compete at national or international levels so rules of eligibility are important for us. And whereas I think several governing bodies have guidelines on these things that doesn't change the backroom grumbling that I'm sure goes on. One sport actually changed their rules to prevent a trans competitor from participating until a law suit forced them to change it back...

One friend recently competed and won a gold medal in Sr. Women's Fencing (news here). Congratulations to her, not only for her achievement but for having the courage to follow her path.

I own the domain name "transathletes.com". When I got it a couple of years ago I envisioned a sort of "Transsexual Woman's Successes" site similar to the one that Lynn Conway started years ago. It would provide visibility to how many of us there are, resources, and other content of interest. Knowing that you're not alone is a tremendously empowering thing - Lord don't I know. Anyway, it's another project I've had on the sidelines for a while and hope to get something there over the next few months. If you'd like to be included - please let me know...

A couple of people have asked about brief mention of a new body "adornment". When I turned 50 I got the tattoo on my leg and I'm still very happy with that. The most recent "upgrade" is something I've thought about for a while but only recently got the nerve to do. I got a small nose piercing....

I'm liking it. Special thanks go to Trace for holding my hands through the piercing. That helped A LOT!! :)

President Obama spoke at the HRC National Dinner in DC a couple of weeks ago. He recognized that we've got some unfinished business to do. Specifically, there's the passage of an inclusive ENDA. And there's the repeal of DOMA. Both are very important to me as (a) I need and expect to be able to keep my job regardless of any particular part of my past and (b) I very much expect to be married again - to a woman - so gaining Federal legal recognition is more than simply symbolic. As the elections ramp up the tendency to avoid controversial legislation make getting these things done sooner rather than later becomes more critical.

Would we even have been having these discussions just a few years ago?

My Body

2011-10-07T22:17:00.000-07:00

I have been at peace with my body for a while now. It's a good thing, too, because my soul is trapped in here and it's nice that they can both finally get along. That wasn't true for a long, long time.

I think everyone has something about their body that they'd change if they could and I'm no different. I've got a few areas that are either too big, too small, to loose, too tight, or too something. But these are merely quibbles and in the scheme of things are hardly worth noting.

Contrast today with a time when I'd change everything if I could (and, by and large, I did!). I had a body make-over of the most significant kind and I continue to marvel at the effects of it all, not just on my physical self but on my social self, my spiritual self, my emotional self, and my rational self as well. Finding congruence where there had been none before is a big deal, so alignment is more than simply about body parts. It's bigger than that.

There are those who want to define being transsexual as a "birth defect" and I'm not heading into that territory here. I do agree that this incongruence between body and spirit is inborn, and I agree that we treat it medically. The bigger question, though, is whether or not it actually "fixes" what's wrong. That's the crux of the entire dilemma. Thankfully - it can, and it does. But other things have changed in me, as well.

For example, over the years my sense of masculinity and feminity have changed significantly. I've talked in the past about how our culture assigns gender-specific traits to things and behaviors and it can get very grouchy about crossing that boundary. Sometimes it actually celebrates the non-conformity. More often, though, it punishes it. But it wasn't until I came to peace with that in myself that I could truly find peace.

I've written in the past that I started with some vision in my head of what a woman was supposed to look like and act like and do. And as I transitioned that vision served as the steering mechanism as it reminded me when I wandered too far off. The thing I came to realize over time, though is that the path to this mythological "thing" called womanhood and my path to simply being me were not one and the same. The paths crossed from time to time, but abandoning the pressures to be stereotypical and simply doing what felt comfortable has made all the difference.

I've got two pictures of myself taken within the last two weeks that are good points of reference in this discussion.

The first were taken at the Colorado LGBT Center Gala in Denver the Saturday before last. I'm very happy right now and I think that comes across in the photos from the evening. The dress feels feminine, I felt good, and all things considered I'm very happy with them.

Compare that to a photo I took in the locker room yesterday. I had just finished a workout and caught the reflection of myself in a mirror out of the corner of my eye. I've been training very hard to prepare for Wrestling season and it's apparent in the photo. I'm in very good shape.

The reason I even mention any of this is that I remember a time when I was ashamed of my shoulders and arms. I had deluded myself into believing that they were somehow "un-feminine" and I worked very hard to erase them. For years I wouldn't have touched a weight for anything, and the overall goal was actually to break it all down and wash it all away. I'm glad I was only marginally successful.

I've come to peace with the fact that I'll never be 110 pounds. I've also come to peace that I am and will continue to be athletic. Over the years it has simply become part of my world.

Why should that matter to anyone? It matters because I'm not the only one. I know many of us who have had similar backgrounds and who have gone through a similar effort to remove/erase/minimize features that are part of our athletic prowess. And while it would be easy to succumb to the pressures to do more traditional feminine things some level of validation comes from the realization that others seem to feel similarly, and are handling it well.

That's not to say that my own balance is everyone's balance. Each of us needs to find that for ourselves. But what I will argue is that to be muscular (per the second photo) does not necessarily preclude feeling or acting or looking totally amazing (photo 1). Ergo, it doesn't mean that someone has to choose one or the other - it's possible to be both once you become comfortable enough to go there.

It can be a complicated conundrum. Thankfully, for me it's not all that difficult anymore.

Amazement

2011-10-06T05:04:00.000-07:00

These last few days represent significant milestones in my life. My last day at work before starting FT was on Oct. 1 1999, meaning that my first full day as Donna was Sat. Oct. 2. Yesterday marked what my first day at work (Oct. 4). After I got home that day I wrote:

How long have we talked about this day? I can't believe it's here. I can't believe this is me. It's as if I were just a spectator watching this person do these things, and to realize that it's me is really amazing to me. I have no idea where I have gotten the strength/courage to actually show up here today. It has built itself up over time, because I know it wasn't here too too long ago. It's one thing to want it and talk about it, and another to do it. And still another to feel comfortable about it. How many people actually follow it through? Pretty amazing..

Although I know people who choose to forget those milestones in their lives, or move on from them and rarely look back, I choose to keep some of them close; this is one of them. To appreciate where I've come from is a way to draw energy into where I am and where I'm going.

The single thing that shines thru to me from that time in my life is the profound sense of amazement of it all finally happening. And whereas life can gradually wear you down to the point where amazement becomes frustration becomes apathy I readily admit that my sense of amazement at things happening remains alive and well.

I have a number of friends who seem aimless right now. They seem rudderless and floating through life with very few options or ideas which way to turn, which is very sad. I hate to see those who have struggled mightily to own their lives and their destinies give it all back based on complications life can throw at you sometimes. But I daresay it happens more often than not, and those who were once commanding their lives become victims to their (sometimes self-inflicted) circumstances.

As for me: I will share that my own life priorities have changed in recent weeks as a direct result of my relationship with Tracy. Goals and plans I had two months ago that are very much within my reach right now have been sidelined because of other, new priorities. That's not to say that they're in any way transient or that they are (or were) more or less important than anything else. But as far as I'm concerned when a special relationship enters an already full life things need to be moved around in order to give it the high priority it needs and deserves. The more we're together, the more special she makes me feel. That's where I'm at....

Tracy and I had a wonderful time together during her week here. The weather has been spectacular all week long, with bright sunny skies and coolish autumn temperatures reaching into the 70's. From the moment she landed everything felt so seamless and effortless; it was truly magical. Even the mundane stuff was fun. I got a small "body ornament" over the weekend that I've been wanting. We took Maggie to the vet together on Saturday. Sunday was spent kayaking through some of the lowcountry marshes, walking together on the beach, and enjoying a nice quiet dinner out with a friend.

She boarded a plane to fly home today. I was sad to see her go, and ended up being sniffly about it for the entire rest of the day. And I'm just now realizing how tired I am. The energy of being together has given way to the need to get some sleep.

In other news, I'm actively looking to move my blog back to a WordPress platform. I moved it to Blogger a year ago after some hacking pulled me down for a while, and that database has since become corrupted. I'm hoping to fix it, to migrate all the stuff I've added here, and to generally get things cleaned up a bit. There are a number of reasons - but first I've got to get everything working again.

There was an article about my wrestling recently (see it here). Back to my point about being aimless - I'm certainly not that. If anything, I sometimes feel I've got too many goals. But it's just that perhaps I should aim for less dangerous ones. :)

I've heard from a number of friends about SCC this year. I'm told ~900 people attended which is nice to hear. Many of the larger conferences are suffering (or have folded) for a number of reasons so seeing that this venerable Grand Dame of the trans conference season is very much alive and well. It was part of a bigger series of events this year with both WPATH and GLMA having conferences in Atlanta that same weekend, but it still bodes well.

Basking

2011-09-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

I'm still basking in the glow of a very pleasant weekend topped off by the Bills win against the Patriots on Sunday. It really was the icing on the cake. As with many things in life, it's important to savor the good times while they last because they eventually fade so I'm enjoying soaking it in while I can (one story here, another here)....

Speaking of basking, I've alluded in the past to the fact that my sweetie will be visiting me. She arrives tomorrow, and will be staying for a week.

I told her when we met that long-distance relationships suck, and they do. I know this from experience. But we've been forced to make creative use of the time between the last time we were together and when we were both free enough of other obligations to get together again. We have both been counting down the days, and that "next time" finally happens tomorrow.

I'm confident that she'd agree that although the last several weeks have been difficult they've also provided a unique opportunity to get to know one another. She is honestly the first person I've met since my ex-wife who I could talk to for hours and never run out of things to talk about. Communication and the ability for it to flow naturally is such an important thing to me and we've already got that down. It's not forced or uncomfortable - it almost flows organically.

Common goals, similar interests, same overall outlook on life - we share so many themes that we can sometimes almost finish each other's sentences. She's got dogs. She's physically active. She's got a strong sense of social justice and is in a position to do something about it. She actually likes to watch football! She's at the same stage of life as I am, and has the same zeal for adventure and doing as I do. And, just as important as all of this - she makes me feel special. That mixture is new for me, and we're both still wondering how the heck we found each other in this crazy world....

My special someone has a name. Her name is Tracy. In the future when I mention her I'll use her name so at least there will be some context for this new person suddenly appearing in my life. I don't expect to share too too much detail as we both feel a very strong sense of privacy. But at the same time neither of us feel a need to hide it either. I expect that our relationship will have a significant impact on my life, so some of the things that unfold over coming weeks and months now have a significant new motivator.

We are planning to be together quite a bit over the coming weeks. She'll be coming to Provincetown with me next month so we'll enjoy a few days of "real" autumn in Cape Cod. And then I'll be in Phoenix at the end of the month. In one of those ironies of life she lives in Phoenix. So does my furniture....

After that? We'll see. That's too far into the future to plan right now. But I'll share that I don't expect we'll be having a long-distance relationship for very long. 'Nuff said.

Thrilled

2011-09-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

6:45am

It's 6:45am and I'm in the lobby of the Grand Hyatt in downtown Denver. I strayed down here to get a cup of coffee - I'll admit I didn't sleep nearly as well as the night before so I'm dragging a little this morning. I think the craziness of all the traveling help propel me to get a good night sleep on Friday. This morning my body remembered that it's actually on the East Time Zone so it woke up at 5am and wasn't going back to sleep. So here I am....

I enjoy Denver. I've been here a number of times in recent years and I really do enjoy it here. And I get the sense that Denver enjoys me too. One thing I do know is that my hair loves it here - it has been the best couple of hair days I've had in a long time.

The weather in Denver has been perfect each time I've visited and yesterday was no different. Someone told me that Denver is second behind Phoenix in the country as days with the most sunshine (300+) and although I haven't verified it I do know that my own experiences here tend to support something like that.

Yesterday was a full day - breakfast with a good friend, an afternoon visit to the Gender Identity Center of Colorado, some time in the fitness center here, a bit of time polishing my remarks for the evening, primping and prepping for the event, and then off for showtime. The day went at just the right pace, and I can honestly say I enjoyed every piece of it.

My hostess-with-the-mostest, Courtney, was honored with one of the awards last night and has been the perfect hostess. Both she and her wife have wonderful positive energy about them and I can't thank both of them enough for their wonderful hospitality. I hope we continue to have the opportunity to stay in contact after I leave...

The dinner was great. The location was very pretty, it was sold out (450 people), the band was awesome, it was meticulously planned and run - all things considered I can't think of anything that didn't go well. Thanks to everyone who attended - all I can say is that it was an honor to be part of the evening and I hope you had as much fun there as I did.

I brought two dresses in my luggage - one black and one red. One was more elegant, and the other was more of a statement. I wore the red statement dress and thought it looked nice. Those shoes have been broken in over years of big dinners and are generally pretty and comfortable, an important combination when it comes to heels.

This is my new Facebook profile pic. I like it....

Rachel, Courtney, and me

My feelings on the importance of LGBT Centers are no secret and this particular Center has a special place in my world. I felt completely at home there last night and I'm thrilled that they chose to honor Courtney with the Volunteer of the Year award. She was radiant, and did such a wonderful job....

Earlier in the day we stopped at the GIC to attend the annual cook-out for a while. It was great to see some good friends there.

10pm
Well - I'm home now. The flights were mercifully uneventful, and it was nice to get home to see Maggie.

As I mentioned in an earlier note, the new version of the Standards of Care are being released (ver 7) at the WPATH Conference in Atlanta. If you're interested in reading them it's already online (see it here). There are also already early critiques of the contents (here's a good one). Those who support a surgery approach to our unique "situation" will most likely not like the revisions as they move away from the one-size-fits-all, transition, surgery-based model. I expect there will be quite a bit more discussion of this in coming days....

Me? The highlight of the day was the Bills last-second comeback win against the Patriots. This team is really something. Anyway, as a long-suffering Bills fan I have to admit that I was thrilled by it all. They're replaying it on the NFL Network on Tuesday night....

Speaking of thrilled - my GF arrives on Wednesday for a week. I am truly thrilled about that.

I was in Starbucks yesterday and noticed that their "Pick of the Week" is a song titled "Just a Kiss" by Lady Antebellum. It's a free download from iTunes if you stop in and get a card for it at a Starbucks. It has GREAT lyrics that remind me of her, and I sent her a text about it. She already knew.... :)

Denver

2011-09-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in a Starbucks that's part of the hotel where I'm staying here in Denver. I'm drinking my morning savior - coffee - waking up. And I'm listening to my Coldplay station on Pandora.

Man, oh, man did I sleep well last night. I needed it. By the time I finally closed my eyes it was almost midnight here so given the 2-hr time difference from Charleston it was way past my bedtime. The adrenaline of getting ready to travel, getting last-minute things accomplished at work, flying here, doing the meet-and-greet at Hamburger Mary's and being excited for my GF's Masters Degree stuff yesterday had worn off and I was worn out.

Thankfully the traveling was uneventful. I only had 35-minutes between connections in Atlanta which is cutting things close given the size of the airport and the inclination for delays arriving or leaving there but everything worked out. It was a very pleasant day.

Weather here in Denver is perfect this weekend - high around 80 or so and sunny. I'm loving it already. A friend is coming to meet me for breakfast, someone is picking me up at noon to go to the Gender Identity Center picnic, and we need to be back at the hotel by 3 to begin preparing for the evening events.

I brought 2 dresses - one black and one red - for the gala tonight. I figured I'd decide based on how I was feeling at the time. Red stands out. Black is classic. If I needed to make that decision right now I'm in the Red zone. We'll see how things progress today and if anything changes.

We stopped by one of the local bars and it was just beginning to get busy there at 11. I don't miss the days of going out to bars until all hours. I don't miss the craziness of bars in general, unless there's live music or some other interesting diversion going on. But going to a place that smells with people who are drinking too much and pushing one another because they're packed too close together has no allure for me whatsoever. I guess that makes me either an old fart or someone who has finally matured to the point of asking "Why?". No need for that.

There are several bars in Charleston that I visit from time to time. I know all the bartenders there by name. They're relatively small, quiet bars usually attached to one of the nicer restaurants. They're nice places to go and unwind, not places to go to get wound up. Anyway - I haven't been around a bar like that in a long time and it reminded me of how far I've drifted from wanting to do that.

I'll probably update this later if I have the time. My friend is getting here in a few minutes so I need to get ready. She calls me every single Sunday - without fail - and it's nice when we have the chance to actually meet up in person.

Until later...

Mainstreaming

2011-09-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

The Chaz Effect continues.

There's an entry on a Christian blog worth reading (read it here).

Kieth Ablow continues his heightening hysteria over Chaz on Bill O'Reilly the other night (details here).

GLAAD provided an astute Op/Ed response (read it here). One paragraph particularly articulates how I feel:

Dr. Ablow is using his medical credentials as a cover for espousing discrimination against transgender people. As Americans get to know and understand Chaz Bono, they are learning that transgender people can lead happy, healthy lives and deserve to be treated with the same dignity as anyone else. By suggesting that they should live in the shadows, instead of allowing them to celebrate living their lives authentically, Dr. Ablow does a disservice to his profession by promoting harm instead of health.

There's an article on Salon.com that articulates some of this very well (read it here). Here are some snippets:

Last fall, it was all about Bristol Palin, and whether she was being ballot stuffed by Tea Party fanatics. Last spring, it was Kirstie Alley, and her dramatic, week by week weight loss. Now, the big story is whether a person who was born a female should be hoofing it up as a dude. Once again, a televised ballroom dancing competition is the most radical, divisive, hot-button show in America.

They go on to explain the ruckus that Chaz's participation is causing:

The man at the center of the dance floor, meanwhile, seems surprised at the fuss. Appearing on "Good Morning America" Tuesday, Bono suggested critics "Watch the show and decide after that. It's a dancing show. I'm not there talking about anything other than dancing." But he added, "I think it's going to have a really positive impact. I know that if, when I was growing up, I would have seen someone like me on a show like this, it would have made all the difference in the world in my life."

It is just a dancing show. It is also, its participants know, an opportunity to make a statement. A year ago, in the heartbreaking wake of a rash of suicides by gay teens, Margaret Cho donned a rainbow dress and shimmied to "Copacabana" in the name of pride. "Dancing With the Stars" is light entertainment but it's also, quite clearly, a powerful barometer of the values that unite and divide us. That's what makes it fascinating, the way it plays out our national mood in three-quarter time.

While nobody is going to see Bono do the cha-cha and suddenly decide to swap gender, it's possible that viewers out there who feel alone or confused may see him and realize they're not alone. Others might get the chance to learn that being yourself isn't necessarily being who you were born. Still others might just enjoy watching individuals of different ages, orientations and abilities shaking their groove things. But if there's one thing the show has already proven over the years, it's that being a winner has absolutely nothing to do with going backward in high heels.

It's that last paragraph that's so important. I realize that some who read my blog, for some reason I still can't for the life of me fathom, seem to percieve Chaz's participation there as a negative thing. We all have our opinions and I've been consistently clear in mine. But what it is doing cannot be underestimated.

My neighbor who knows about my situation was talking about it. I went in to my doctor's office this morning and they were talking about it. It's everywhere. And the words I've been hearing are universally supportive. Except, of course, for Keith Ablow and some who choose to comment here. But in the bigger picture exactly what Ablow talks about - the "mainstreaming of transgender" - is happening in ways that neither you nor I nor activists nor years of trying to humanize ourselves one person at a time could do.

For years I've half-joked that the trans community hasn't had it's "Will and Grace" moment yet. It hadn't had something that could make the word "transgender" not-so-scary to mainstream America. We've been slowly chipping away at walls that prevent inclusion in any number of aspects of life where others participate so why can't we?

Does Chaz reflect everyone? Of course not. But does what he's doing affect us? You bet your butt it does. And as with most things I don't think the true impact of all of this will truly be known until it can be considered in the context of time.

Last year at this time Chaz was at SCC. He is an affable, fun, very comfortable guy and the fact that he was surrounded by the largest trans conference didn't seem to affect him at all.

SCC is happening this weekend and it's the first year I'll miss the whole thing since 2002, I think. It's happening in conjunction with the WPATH conference, and with the GLMA (Gay and Lesbian Medical Association) Conference. I'll miss hanging out in the bar, but I'll be in Denver....

The big news that will be coming out of WPATH is that Jamison Green is taking over the role as President. I can't think of anyone more qualified or more perfect for the role. But what many don't know yet is that the new/revised Standards of Care (Version 7) will be launched during a session on Monday. Expect it to be a significant change from previous versions. And, expect it to have multiple tracks - not all of which involve surgical interventions.

As for me - my biggest headache right now is finding a dog-sitter for Maggie. The places I usually go are filled so the evening will be spent getting creative. I've had some job-related tumult so I'm hoping that's in the past for now. I'm on Day 4 of Atkins and I've lost 4 pounds - still feeling good about it.

BTW: I've had a few people express concern that I'm getting too skinny. I assure you, with all the intense working out I'm doing to prepare for my wrestling insanity I'm neither too skinny nor unhealthy. I don't have much body fat right now - I'll agree with that. But unfortunately one of the first places that weight falls away from when I get to this point is my face and my butt. I don't want a smaller butt. However when it comes to other "parts" I'm as healthy as healthy can be. Here's a quick pic I took yesterday for my GFF. She liked it. :)

Tomorrow at this time I'll be on a plane for Denver. If you're anywhere nearby they've scheduled a Meet and Greet event at Hamburger Mary's starting at 7:30. The good news is that hamburgers are protein and I'll be hungry by then so I see a patty or two in my future. The best part of all of that is (a) it's ok according to my "diet" and (b) it's working. :)

Aloha

2011-09-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's Day 3 of my 2011 Atkins Diet. So far so good.

I've had a couple of people ask me what it is. Basically, it's protein. The diet is divided into "Phases", with the first phase called "Induction". It's designed to wean your body off carbs. Actually, it doesn't wean. It's like hitting a brick wall.

The crazy thing about the diet is that everything about it is counter-intuitive. For example, I had a 3-egg omlette and sausage for breakfast and that's perfectly fine. I couldn't have any of the added starches (toast, home fries, grits, etc) but that's ok. Small salad for lunch. Last night I had a half-price burger night at the Pub near my house and that's perfectly fine as well (without the bun or fries, of course).

I've done this diet in the past and know how it goes. The first couple of days are fine. But as your body starts to crave carbs it reacts. There is a day-long headache in my future, and some gastro-intestinal "cleansing". And a cranky mood for at least a couple of days. It's truly amazing to see how your body comes to count on things like sugars so cutting them out "cold turkey" have an effect. I also find it interesting how I just snack on little things here or there throughout the day without even thinking.

The reason I'm on it at all is that I need to lose some weight to get to my weight limit. 8 Measly pounds over the next 6 weeks. Last year I had absolutely no energy for the last week leading up to the Nationals - I had 6 pounds to lose and was a mess. Not this time. I also realize that there are many different diets I could be doing and that some are concerned that this isn't the healthiest choice. But I've come to accept that wrestling diets are inherently unhealthy, and this is a relatively short-term thing for me, so I'm good with it all for now. Of course, if I get a week into it and I haven't lost any weight I'll have to re-evaluate but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I'm actually pretty happy with my body at the moment. Between all the work at the gym, my bike, and generally feeling good overall I think it's all aligned. The weight itself is a detail as I honestly rarely weigh myself (except for competing). I have a pair of Size 4 pants that generally tell me how I'm doing....

Chaz Bono danced on DWTS Monday night. I didn't watch. But reviews are positive (here's one). I make it a point to never watch anything that looks, seems, or could otherwise be described as a Reality Show so it's not like I was doing anything out of the ordinary by not watching. And I'm glad (and relieved) that he did well. He had a LOT of pressure to deliver and he did.

Facebook recently changed their "look" and people are up in arms about it. I figure people will complain no matter what they do at this point and the answer to that is simple. Quit. Leave FB. And although some of the people I know do end up leaving and staying away most people who leave seem to come back. I told my sister the other night that I perceive FB as a curse more than a blessing and she doesn't see it that way, probably because she's got a fairly insular world on it. But I have a pretty broad world there despite the fact that I don't share too much, that most of my posting is simply photos I take from my little world. I'll admit that I've made some friends there who have turned into real-life friends, and I've re-connected with people from other times in my life so that has been good. But goobers who write you disrespectful stuff, who tag themselves in your photos (when they're not there), who post creepy stuff on your wall because they can, who sign you up to be in a Group without asking, or who tag you in Notes/Conversations with a dozen other people don't last long with me. Anyway, I digress...

I have a certain someone special in my life at the moment who will be graduating on Friday with her Master's Degree. The good news is that I'm incredibly proud of her and very happy about this amazing achievement. The bad news is that I'll start the day on the other side of the country from her, and I'll end the day in Denver so I won't be able to share it with her. I generally avoid talking too much about my personal personal stuff in my blog - I've learned my lessons in that regard the hard way - but I will share that she doesn't live here but will be coming to Charleston next week for a belated celebration. We're both very excited about that and have been counting down the days. I may have more to share on that topic at some point, but for now that's enough.... Except for - Congratulations!!

I've seen a number of friends making interesting relationship decisions in their lives lately. More power to 'em. Part of the problem is to think we can approach these things rationally rather than emotionally which generally doesn't happen. I, personally, don't buy into the "A Bad Relationship is Better Than No Relationship" school of thought. But I'll admit that the early stages of a budding relationship is a pretty exciting time.

Others of my friends are very lonely and I understand that as well. I've written about it in the past and nothing has changed - it's still an epidemic. But the difference between being "alone" and being "lonely" is something each of us needs to come to peace with in various ways. They're not the same and one can have either of them without the other.

Anyway - I need to get going. That's enough for one day. Stay tuned tomorrow for Day 4 of Donna's Atkins Diet....

Chatty

2011-09-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

Another weekend has come and gone. It was as busy as they've all been lately - in a good way. Long bike ride. Time at the gym. Laundry at the laundromat. Some time with friends. A nice dinner to close out "Restaurant Week". A little bit of cleaning. My football team won in the last minute after being down 21-3 at halftime. All things considered - it was a very very full weekend. I very much enjoyed it.

I worked from home this morning. Here's a picture of my simple backyard "office". We had beautiful late summer/early autumn weather here today, the pup sits out there with me and keeps a vigilant eye out for her constant nemesis. Squirrels.

I enjoy autumn. It has a unique "feel" to it - especially here on the East coast. I don't enjoy being cold, though, which is one of those paradoxes as part of autumn is that I remember it getting progressively more winter-ish.

I think I've mentioned before that I have a circulation "issue" (Raynaud's Syndrome) that affects my fingers and hands mostly. It sometimes when it's not even all that cold out, like if I'm just chilly for some reason, or after a long day in a too-air-conditioned office. I'm told that there is an emotional/physcho-physical component to it and I think that's probably true. Anyway, it's pesky and inconvenient more than anything dangerous at this point but we're getting to that time of year.

I realize that some people have purses for various different occasions. I only have a few. I traded out my summer purse for my fall/winter one yesterday. It's the same one I used last year, and the year before. I don't feel any pressure to get a new purse when I very much like the purses I have and they're still in good shape. A purse if a very personal thing so swapping one out for another is a transition in a way. Anyway, it's not as significant a sign that winter is coming as the fact Costco already has Christmas stuff up but it's certainly something.

If it's fall then it must be time for football. My team did wonderfully well on Sunday. Sports Illustrated sports writer Peter King spend some time explaining why this team is so easy to root for (read it here):

But this is why you root for the Bills: Their most important offensive players are everymen, and they can really play. Last year, Buffalo hung up 30 on New England, 34 on Baltimore, 49 on Cincinnati ... lost on a heartbreaking dropped pass against Pittsburgh for what would have been the winning touchdown ... and after starting 0-8, won four of their last eight with nothing to play for.

Ryan Fitzpatrick, the quarterback, a seventh-round pick of the Rams six years ago, played at Harvard and is singing for his supper in the last year of his contract. The winning touchdown pass in the 38-35 win over Oakland Sunday was caught by David Nelson, an undrafted wide receiver who wasn't even a full-time college starter. Their touchdown leader, tight end Scott Chandler, was a waiver pickup from Dallas last December. And their starting running back, Fred Jackson, also undrafted (isn't everyone on this team?), went to mighty Coe College, enrollment 1,300, in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. There is one key receiver who was drafted -- Stevie Johnson. In the seventh round of the 2008 draft.

Anyway - I expect that they'll need to wake up one of these weeks. But they've already make it a memorable and exciting season.

Another quick topic - make-up. I have several friends who transitioned and who now either rarely or never wear make-up. That's certainly fine - everyone kind of works out where/if it has a place in their lives as time goes on I suppose. As for me - I still very much enjoy it. It's part of my morning routine and I haven't gotten tired of it in the least. I wish I were better at it but left to my own devices I'm thinking I'm doing ok.

I got my 3rd iPhone 4 today. The first one fell into the ocean over Memorial Day and, despite heroic efforts to save it, she succombed to 5 seconds in salt water. Well, I've been having trouble with a couple of odd "quirks" so today they just swapped it out for a new one. No matter how easy they make it seem to back-up and restore it always turns into a labor intensive effort. All my folders are gone, some of the apps somehow don't get downloaded to the phone, passwords and other "things" need to be re-entered. Honestly, it turns into a days worth of work to get things back to where they were.

Lastly for today - I started the Induction Phase of the Atkins diet today. When I've done it in the past for a couple of weeks I've lost 8 or 10 pounds and that's what I need to get down to my weight class. It's actually a very counter-intuitive diet (and many would say unhealthy) because the key is to cut carbs and eat as much protein as you want. For example, I could eat a 3-egg omlette and as much bacon as I want for breakfast, have a piece of salmon and a salad for lunch, and a big piece of steak and a vegetable for dinner. It works, though.

I've learned a number of things the hard way. (1) The carb withdrawal headache starts 2 or 3 days into it (2) despite the fact that you can eat as much protein as you want you'll start craving carbs and (3) moments of light-headedness are to be expected. Anyway, I've made it thru the first day without much difficulty. We'll see how it goes tomorrow....

Life is all about Dessert....

2011-09-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my previous post about Charleston Restaurant Week and the wide variety of wonderful food available here. Food is to Charleston as music is to Austin - it has become part of the area's DNA. Last night a friend and I went to High Cotton as part of the 3 for $30 deal. In a word - Yumm! God, I love a good meal. I don't know if it's a good thing that I've been there enough over recent weeks to know the bartenders as well as I do but they've got live jazz most nights and it's a very relaxing place to go.

I couldn't even begin to explain what the appetizer I got was - it was some kind of beef carved a micron thin with a very pretty (and tasty) sauce drizzled on it. Main course was pork loin on a bed of jalapeno grits. And for dessert - apple cobbler with Cinnamon ice cream. Mmmmm.

Sunday I'm doing another 3 for $30 thing. It's the last day for it. Phew.

As advertised, today is very autumn-like. Chilly, even. It was raining and in the low 60's, and still dark, this morning when I took pup for her walk and I needed a sweatshirt. Brrr. I haven't been in my house for a chilly day yet so we'll have to see if the heater works....not that I need heat quite yet but I'm just saying,....I hate being cold. I do sense an extra blanket in my near future, tho.

I suppose it's no secret since I mention it again and again that I like music. It truly is the backdrop of my world. I listen to Pandora when I'm on my bike, I listen to Spotify on my laptop, I'm usually connected to my headphones at work....I'm just wired that way.

One of the cool things about the Internet is finding artists who leverage the mediums available to them to do unique, interesting things. One of those people is Darryl Hall. He does an "Internet" show titled "Live from Darryl's House" that I've mentioned before but is worth mentioning again. He brings various artists to his house, talks with them, often eats with them, and (of course) plays music with them. He's got a good variety of guests, the audio and video quality are superb, and it's just something unique.

Also this weekend (9/16-9/18), the Austin City Limits Music Festival is being broadcast live on YouTube (link here). The schedule of performers is at the bottom of the screen. Coldplay will be performing this evening. Watching Zilker Park makes me miss being in Austin....

In wrestling the US won a bronze medal in my weight class )72kg) at the World Championships. Ali made it to the semi-finals before losing to a 5-time world champion from Bulgaria.

People can poo-poo Women's Wrestling all they want, but these are some tremendously well-trained and talented athletes. Last year the only medals the US broguth home were from the Women's Freestyle team, and so far this year that's true as well. Anyway, Congratulations to Ali.

After I shared a little about what I do for my "career" someone write to ask me how I find contract opportunities. I've done contracting for the majority of my life and I'll say that back in the old days contracting was much different than it is today. For example, I've never met anyone from the contracting company that I work for at the moment. They recruited me online, arranged the interview, and we only know each other through phone calls and email. That's fine - but that's not how it usually works.
My main source for finding contract opportunities is Dice.com. Another online resource that I use from time to time is Sologig. But as I get older the cities I'd go to work and live have dwindled down to a small few. I'm just sayin...

It's Personal

2011-09-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Some of the things that Charleston is known for are scenery, history, climate, and a unique Low Country culture. Any list of allures, however, would be incomplete if it didn't include food.

Charleston is fortunate to have a significant number of wonderful restaurants. From local delicacies seafood delicacies like flounder or shrimp right off the boat to she-crab soup, to grits - the cuisine here ranges from fairly simple to very fou-fou and elegant. I'm only a little embarrassed to admit that one of my weekly "habits" is half-price burger night at one of the local pubs.

The reason I mention this here is that we're in the middle of something called "Charleston Restaurant Week". It's actually more than a week - it's 11 days - and it's a city wide opportunity to sample the broad range of eateries that the area has to offer. Participating restaurants include several of the higher end places who prepare special menus of 3-course meals for $20, $30, or $40. Given my budget and my diet I have done an excellent job of avoiding these temptations, but tonight I am meeting a friend at one local place I particularly like. I've got reservations at another over the weekend, and may try to squeeze in a 3rd. What can I say - I'm only human.....

In some ways today feels like the last day of summer here. It's supposed to get to 90 degrees, but the Jet Stream is apparently going to dip down and send some much cooler, unsettled air our way for the next week or more. It'll struggle to get out of the 70's and parts of it may be wet. I'm still planning to do my usual long bike-ride, and I'm hoping to be able to spend some time in the kayak, but it's the first weekend in a long time that I've had to plan around potential weather considerations.

Dr. Jillian Weiss posted an article on Bilerico recently to comment about a recent reminder that Don't Ask Don't Tell doesn't apply to trans men and women in the military, and is still grounds for discharge (read it here). As with most things, the words of what that really means doesn't begin to communicate the real-life implications of what that means.

One of the reasons that I stay actively involved in trans rights and trans visibility is that it isn't just a cause. It's not an "identity" either. It's personal. When you've gone to vigils for young trans-people who have been brutally murdered and met their families it's not something abstract, it's real and tangible and emotional. When you're trying to console someone who has just been outed and lost their job, been kicked out of their house, and is absolutely terrified it's not simply sitting safely behind a keyboard and armchair-quarterbacking from the sidelines. It's personal, because we've been there too. And when it comes to serving in the military, my own personal experience with a friend who served openly as trans ended in suicide because of the pressures involved.

Nobody wants to become a martyr. And MJ's tragic story is only known to a handful of us. But the fact of the matter is that the US Army had an amazing field nurse who was bright and full of life, but that's all gone now. MJ served in Iraq, was buried with full military honors, and whose memory serves as a vivid reminder of the life and death struggle that many of us face each and every day. But even in death, the only reminder of MJ's authentic self is in those of us who knew.

MJ had been rejected by family as a teen. MJ loved photography, and was hoping to publish two books. MJ found passion in nursing. And one of the last emails MJ sent to a small group of friends from time to time ended with, "In all seriousness to everyone; please take care and enjoy life." Hey MJ - I'm doing my best.

I wrote in my last post that the world can still be a brutal place, and Lord knows it can. That's why it's important to re-energize when we can, to enjoy the simple pleasures that come our way, and to actually like ourselves when we go to bed each night. But things in our lives can provide vivid reminders of why we're here. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm very clear on that for me. Why? Because it's more than words. It's real, and it has a face, and it's personal.

News Bites....

2011-09-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

There are a couple of unrelated but similar items in the news so far this week worth mentioning.

The first is an announcement from Australia that citizens there will be allowed to obtain a passport consistent with their gender identity without proof or surgical interventions (details here). And, the Netherlands are currently working on implementing a similar policy (details here).

These changes are consistent with current United States passport procedures (as of July 2010). I still contend that easing the Passport restrictions are the single most significant identity advance, even moreso than Birth Certificates. One example: When you apply for a job here in the States you need to provide proof of identity/citizenship at the time of hire. The rules indicate that you can provide either (a) a US passport OR (b) two other forms of government provided identification (ie Social Security card, driver's license, birth certificate). As a result, regardless of any particular state's policy on changing the gender marker on driver's licenses or birth certificates having a passport that is consistent with identity and/or presentation is the trump card. And while I absolutely agree that neither surgery status nor a piece of paper define a person's gender, for the purposes of day-to-day situations and practical life-realities this has been a big deal and sets a critical precedence.

The second piece of news is near and dear to my heart. The NCAA announced this week that it has adopted a new policy more inclusive of trans student athletes (read details here). The key element of the policy is that it, too, is NOT surgery-based. It allows student athletes to compete on the team consistent with their gender identity based solely on hormone therapy:

The NCAA—which governs sports for more than 1,200 colleges and institutions—worked closely with the National Center for Lesbian Rights’ Sports Project and Griffin Educational Consulting to develop the policy, which according to the announcement “will allow a transgender student athlete to participate in sex-separated sports activities so long as the athlete’s use of hormone therapy is consistent with the NCAA policies and current medical standards.”

As a trans athlete it's huge to recognize that those of us who enjoy competitive athletics can play within supportive defined policies, and that there is recognition of some of the unique challenges/needs we face.

However, we all know that regardless of policy, the intersection of gender-based athletics and trans identities is often a very messy place. It has been for a very long time and will likely continue to ignite passions. Add trans youth into the mix and it's sure to get crazed. A boy wrestler in Iowa refused to wrestle a girl there last year - imagine how it can become with something more complicated than that. But as trans kids confront their realities in healthy, supportive environments earlier and earlier in life so too does the need to support them in the broad range of interests that comprise their lives need to happen earlier as well.

Contrast this with news this week that a 20-year old man in DC is charged with shooting a trans woman there (details here), a 5-year prison term for the woman who attacked a trans woman in a Baltimore area McDonalds (details here), and the recent attack on 2 trans people by an off-duty DC cop (details here). The world is still a very harsh place. And, regardless of how others may feel about it, I'm happy with my place in it. I do what I can to make it better, even in simple ways.

The annual Out and Equal Workplace Summit is around the corner. Until last year I had attended every one since 2003, and was co-chair of the event in Austin in 2008. I continue to very much support the organization's mission and find that this unique forum is a great way to raise awareness, fuel passion, make connections, learn best practices, and leverage broader identities in the workplace.

The 2011 Summit will be in Dallas at the end of October. It's life changing - I highly recommend attending to anyone who can make it happen. They created a video with short snippets from various speakers over the years that's worth watching:

I'm going to try to be there for the first couple of days. I miss seeing friends there as much as anything, and the energy of being in that environment is amazing. I need to be in Phoenix by the end of that week but getting there to spend some time with mom and to visit the Summit would be awesome....

On the other side of the world, The World Wrestling Championships are continuing in Istanbul. Women's Freestyle started - no medals for the USA yet. ESPN3 will be webcasting the finals each day (details here). As for me - I'm going to the recently-opened local wrestling training center after work today to get some mat time. I'm happy just to roll around for a while.

Against the Wind

2011-09-13T06:06:00.000-07:00

I cooked fried shrimp for dinner last night. It was a first. From cleaning the shrimp to de-veining the little suckers to dipping them into the breading to frying 'em in the deep fryer. I absolutely love fried shrimp and admit that I bought this deep fryer specifically to be able to do this. And, despite being an addmittedly green rookie at it, I'm happy with the results. I'm not rapturing about the outcome and I learned a lot, but the good news is that I'll do it again. I'll also admit that I was a little dismayed by how much cleaning was involved afterwards. But then again, that's all part of the process.

The downer of the evening was finding out that my internet service wasn't working. It's not like I'm a novice at this stuff and I did all the necessary home trouble-shooting but for some reason it was working before I went to work and when I got home it wasn't. I called Comcast and eventually spoke with an agent who talked with me like I'm a child and basically told me (a) the problem was with my equipment and (b) they'd have to send someone out to investigate further. So he scheduled someone for tomorrow. In the meantime, I got a call from Comcast saying that they've discovered a "problem" in my area and that they're going to work on it today. Oh, and they cancelled my service call.

My football team won on Sunday! Jeez Louise. I've gotten so used to starting off the season just accepting the fact that we're going to stink again this year that rushing out of the gate like that was a shocker. As a lifelong Buffalo Bills fan (I didn't ask for it, I assure you....it's just the way I am) I've learned to (a) manage expectations (b) accept that sucking happens and (b) learn the meaning of frustration. Anyway - I've followed them since the mid 1960's thru thick and thin. As with my current europhoria here in Charleston I need to enjoy the good times while I can.

They announced yesterday that Bob Seger's music will be available on iTunes. For those of us who grew up with his songs as anthems of our youth that's good news. They're offering a 6-song EP of his music FREE (link here) but it was allegedly only available for one day. I downloaded it and have listened to it several times already. One of my personal Segar favorites (not on the EP, though) is "Sunspot Baby". And although many of us have heard songs like "Against the Wind", "Night Moves", and "Turn the Page" a thousand times they seem to never get old. At least for me they don't.

In my ongoing effort to find and appreciate good live music I'll be attending a concert here in Charleston by Mat Kearney on Friday.

I don't know that most people know his name. But they know some of his music. Here's a popular one...

I really like his new song:

Anyway, I'm looking forward to it.
This next weekend will be my last "down" weekend for a while. On the weekend of the 24th I'll be in Denver for the Gala celebrating the 35th Anniversary of the LGBT Center there. I'm told it's already sold out. I've been asked to present the awards that night which is a tremendous honor. I have also been asked to speak about activism and it's role. Needless to say, I have some thoughts on the subject and will be happy to share some of them.

BTW: I noticed an interesting article: "Transsexual Model Lea T. in Blue Man’s Swimsuit Campaign Shot by Terry Richardson". The photos there are just beautiful. It's another shot in this ongoing broader cultural war for inclusion that's currently playing itself out in some very public and controversial ways. I, for one, am thrilled by this stuff.

The more progress we make the angrier people who want us to disappear get. I have to admit some level of satisfaction at this cause-and-effect scenario, as when they get the most rabid is when we're the most visible. I continue to be intrigued at the uproar over Chaz Bono's appearance on Dancing With the Stars (one example here). A couple of weeks ago Fox shink Keith Ablow wrote an absolutely ignorant Op/Ed piece urging parents to avoid allowing their kids to watch for fear that they'll get confused. Here's one of the responses to his idiotic rant.

Someone I very much respect, Julia Serano, recently wrote a couple of extended blog entries where she waded into the shark-infested TS/TG/IS LMNOP waters that seems to want to reach flood-stage at some point. Her first post was dated Sept. 8 and is a particularly well thought-out and presented piece titled A "Transsexual vs. Transgender" Intervention. Needless to say, that generated quite a bit of response and Julia did a similarly interesting job of sharing some of the feedback it generated a couple of days later in her follow-up, not surprisingly (and aptly) titled Postscript for my "TS-vs-TG-Intervention" Piece. I, for one, applaud Julia for her insights and think they are well worth sharing here.

I don't usually talk much about clothes or "style" here on my blog. Maybe it's because style is something that has always seemed to elude me, or at least has always felt that way. I've come to a sense of peace that I've found my own unique sense of style by trial and error, without having mentors or others who could help. The reason I mention this is that I'm wearing my highest heels today. They're not so high that my head is in the clouds, but they're high for me. I recently bought them - partly because they looked nice despite being Size 10's, partly because they were on sale, and partly because they felt comfortable (well, as comfortable as 3" heels can be) as I paced back and forth at the store.

Of course, the real test comes when you have to wear them for hours on end. So today I wore them and have a back-up pair at the ready in case these start rubbing or chafing too much (I have a couple of band-aids ready, too). So far so good. I just hope I don't twist an ankle, or break my neck going down the stairs....

As a Yin to that Yang, I'm also buying a new pair of wrestling shoes. My first tournament is 6 weeks away and I've found a pair that has a unique sense of "style" to them, too. They're blue and white. I expect to be on the mat regularly again starting tomorrow as my training continues.... In unrelated news that nobody but me cares about the World Championships are happening in Istanbul this week. The woman who beat me at the World Team Trials last year is representing the US in my weight class. I'll be following the results online and wish the entire team the best of luck.

Sometimes people ask me what I do for a living. I do IT contract work. That is, I work projects of varying durations that require "temporary" supplemental staffing with a specific skill-set. At the moment I'm managing a web Upgrade project for a Fortune 200 company here (and, I might add, I'm enjoying it!). The temporary nature of the assignments typically provide a greater sense of flexibility which I find helpful given all the other various demands on my time and energies. Anyway - I've been here since April and the project is scheduled to go thru the end of the year. After that? Don't know yet. Another reality of this kind of lifestyle is getting comfortable with the temporary nature of not necessarily being able to plan too far in advance.

As I've articulated before - the key is to enjoy today for today because tomorrow it will be yesterday. And that's what I'm doing. :)

An Excellent Weekend

2011-09-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

9/10:

It's the night before 9/11. I spent it watching an amazing sunset over Sullivan's Island beach not far from here. Now I'm watching a show on the History Channel titled "Voices from Inside the Tower". It's very powerful.

It includes many phone messages from people in the towers to loved ones telling "good-bye" as things deteriorated. Initial calls were hopeful, but later calls were simple - I love you, tell the kids and my parents I love them, those kinds of things....

I can't help but wondering who I'd call in that situation. I know I'd call my mom, my sister, and my brother first. That's a no brainer. But after that - not sure. It's a very short list. And even if I did know who I'd call I have no idea what I'd say. How do you say good-bye for the last time on the phone? I really don't know. But regardless, it's very powerful.

Death seems to be a taboo topic, but I truly don't know how you can talk or think about life without also talking or thinking about death. Ss far as I can tell, reminding ourselves that each of us will eventually run out of tomorrows is a very powerful motivator to make the most of the time between now and then. That, to me, is truly the goal of life. Whatever that means to each of us is certainly unique but I've got a long list of things I'd like to do between now and that day and I'm actively working to make those things a reality. Not someday. But someday soon.

I had a good day today. It wasn't anything all that special, but then again I enjoyed it. I did laundry at the laundromat. I went to spinning class. I did some shopping at Trader Joe's. I went to the wrestling center. As usual I took some photos with my iPhone, so I'll share some of them...

Sunset 9/9 - St. Michael's steeple from my backyard

Cruise ship in harbor shortly after sunrise this morning

The Wrestling facility where I'll be training in the coming weeks

This afternoon pup and I spent some time at the park

Sunset on the beach at Sullivan's Island

Self-portrait - Full moon over my shoulder

9/11:

Today was similarly as amazing as yesterday. I did my 45 mile bike ride. I spent some time at the beach. I cleaned the kitchen, watched a little football and USA Open Tennis, and did a little shopping. None of that is earth shattering but for some reason when you're in a good mood it seems to bring something extra to it all. I'm in a great mood for some reason, and the entire weekend was great.

Tomorrow is Today's Dream

2011-09-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

As we arrive at the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks reminders of what happened that day and what it has meant to our overall psyche and our individual worlds, will be everywhere.

I was on an airplane that morning. I suppose if there's anywhere I can think of where I'd rather NOT be that day (other than in Manhattan, or at the Pentagon) it would be on an airplane, flying in the Northeast. I had been visiting my family in upstate NY to celebrate my mom's 72nd birthday and was on a flight from Buffalo to get home to Austin. We never made it.

Anyway, what happened that day means something different to each of us. When I got back from lunch today it was on my mind so I did a little video "test" on YouTube with my iPhone.

It haven't done a video blog since the end of last year! Crazy. I generally enjoy doing them but I haven't felt as though I've had the right equipment to do one so I haven't even thought of it in quite a while. Early experiments were time-consuming, clunky, and ultimately the video quality was poor or the audio was mis-aligned; there were any number of challenges.

But this was clean and easy. I just did the video on my iPhone, saved it to the Camera Roll, chose to "Share It", and told it to load it to YouTube. Although it's certainly nothing profound and was very impromptu/spur-of-the-moment I'm actually fairly happy with the audio and video quality of the results.

One thing to do differently next time - the video would rather be landscape than vertical. It did a good job of letter-boxing what was there but that'll mean holding the camera sideways instead of longways. I'd also be interested to see the end result coming out of the version of iMovie that's on my phone.

All things considered - more experimenting is on the way.

I'm very much looking forward to this weekend, not that I have anything all that special planned but because I seem to enjoy every weekend here. The weather is supposed to be as gorgeous tomorrow as it is today, and Sunday looks to be mostly wonderful as well. I do spinning class on Saturday mornings, I've got wrestling tomorrow mid-day, I need to do laundry, shopping, and a few other things....

I've gotten somewhat "Spiritual" in recent years. I suppose a more accurate sentence would be that my Spiritual Self has become much more active and aware, but either way the end results are the same. With all of this talk about transition and how it fits into the context of an overall life one of the things that often gets forgotten (or at least, minimal attention) is our spirituality.

As my mom was coming to terms with the changes in my life she shared that a specific passage from Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet" very much spoke to her and helped her to move past her sadness. Since then I, too, have found profound wisdom and comfort in many of the passages there.

One of my favorites is "On Reason and Passion". I've shared it here before but it's worth repeating because it's still relevant....

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

Good, good stuff.

I've been a remarkably good mood this week. I'm not quite sure why and I'm certainly not complaining but it's true. I can think of a number of contributing factors but the end result is a continuing stream of good energy and enjoyment.

I have an admission to make. I went to Costco yesterday and the good news is that I didn't succomb to whatever it is that they pump into the air there that makes you spend a hundred dollars or more and not even realize it. What I did buy, though, was a recipe book. It's a book titled "Charleston Classic Desserts: Recipes from Favorite Restaurants" and although I know I'll end up kicking myself for it it was less than $10 and the photos were absolutely scrumptious. So I bought it. And I'll even share with you when I actually use one of the recipes from it. I can only hope the end result looks (and tastes) like the photos.

I need to enjoy these quiet weekends while I can. I've gotten spoiled this summer - I can't remember such an extended stretch of relaxation in many-a-year. And next weekend looks to be quiet, too. But in the 6 weeks between mid-September thru the end of October I've got trips to Denver, Cape Cod, and Phoenix on tap.

Beyond that? Who knows. I don't plan that far in advance. I'm too busy enjoying today for today.

Before I end for today I'll share one of my most significant memories of the week after 9/11 ten years ago. My plane was grounded in Baltimore and I made my way to Alexandria, VA where I spent the week before they started allowing air travel again with some dear friends. One of those friends, Nancy, has since passed away but she was an incredibly talented artist and she wanted to do a portrait of me. So, she spent several hours taking simple photographs and making sketches for a picture she never ended up doing. And we whiled away the time by talking....

Since I hadn't expected a detour on my way home I didn't have anything nice to wear so she let me borrow something - we spent the afternoon looking for something she felt was suitably elegant - as well as a strand of her pearls. She wanted the look to be natural so there was no makeup involved. To this day - those simple raw photos she took that day remain tremendously special to me. Partly it's because they capture a moment of time in my life that I'll never forget. And partly because they reminds me of her.

September 2001

I have come a long way since then.....

In The Prophet Kalil Gibran writes a passage titled On Time:

You would measure time the measureless and the immeasurable.
You would adjust your conduct and even direct the course of your spirit according to hours and seasons.
Of time you would make a stream upon whose bank you would sit and watch its flowing.
Yet the timeless in you is aware of life's timelessness,
And knows that yesterday is but today's memory and tomorrow is today's dream.

Gems

2011-09-08T18:10:00.000-07:00

I don't mean this in a snarky kind of way, but I'm thankful I'm here in South Carolina tonight and not back in Harrisburg. From what they're showing on the Weather Channel people in Central PA will need to start building Arks soon - rain and flooding there have turned rivers into torrents. I hope my friends there are doing ok.

Here in Charleston it was sunny, high was 85 or so, and I can't think of a nicer weather day than we had here. Again - I'm not gloating. I'm just counting my lucky stars.

It's Charleston Restaurant Week here. One of the things that the city is known for is the many really nice restaurants here, and this week is full of special events and special prices at many of the finer local eateries. I could realistically see myself eating out every night here. Really. But neither my waist nor my pocketbook could handle that. I've enjoyed living downtown as one of the things everyone shares at the dog park is where the quaint, local places are. There are "tourist" places, and "local" places so finding those rare gems is actually a fun find.

I'm also getting into cooking more. Tonight I made some chicken Alfredo with mushrooms and rotini pasta. Yummm. I probably shouldn't have had seconds - one of the things about cooking for one is that there is almost always left overs. Now I'm stuffed....

Another fun thing about living down here is going for a run with Maggie. The scenery is wonderful, the weather has been accommodating, and we try to do our usual route at least a couple of times a week. Now that school has started at the College of Charleston there are lots and lots of runners, both in the morning and especially in the evenings.

But the real gems here are the mornings. A few weeks ago it was already light by shortly after 6 but now it doesn't start getting light until closer to 7. I take Maggie for a nice long walk every morning - and we end up down by the waterfront where we have a front-row view to sunrise. One of the really cool things is taking pictures of it every morning - each day is a little different but each is also uniformly amazing.

Here are iPhone pics from almost the exact same spot on each of the last 3 mornings:

Tuesday

Wed

Today

Oy. See what I mean? It's amazing. I'm soaking it all up and enjoying it while I can.

So - here I sit. Back door is open, I'm full from dinner but a glass of wine is still on the table, I'm about to do Skype video with my sweetie, and NFL Football is on. All things considered - life is good.

Anything but Ordinary

2011-09-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

I love my bike. I really do. I've never really been a bike person before (not quite sure what that is, but I know I haven't been one) but over recent weeks that has changed.

One of my initial purchases here was a half-decent Hybrid bike to navigate downtown cobblestone streets while at the same time provide the ability to hit some open road. Until recently the farthest I can remember biking in one day was to visit my ex-wife when we were in college in Syracuse. I lived on campus and she lived in a local suburb so it was a 10-mile schlep each way. More difficult than the actual pedaling was navigating the busy traffic on the streets to get there.

Fast forward to now. I have this Specialized bike that just feels good to sit on, to pedal, and to feel the wind while driving. My legs are like little pistons and when I'm on it the bike is an extension, not something extra. On the weekends I'll take the bike anywhere within 20 miles of my hourse as long as whatever I need to bring (or pick up) fits into the little backpack I use for traveling.

I'm taking my bike to the shop later today for a check-up/tune-up. When I pick her up tomorrow she'll be ready for another weekend to road-tripping. The best thing about it is that the weather is getting even more awesome. I don't have a single complaint about the hot, humid days of summer here. Not one. But now the nights are getting into the 60's and the days are in the mid 80's and much less humid - absolutely beautiful. These are days meant to be enjoyed and experienced, not stuck indoors.

Part of training for wrestling involves making weight. I'm within 10 pounds of my limit with a little over 6 weeks to go until the first tournament of the year. I'm comfortable that I'll make it. I still make time to go to half-price burger night at BTP on Tuesdays but now (a) I get a salad instead of fries (b) I give the bun to the dog and (c) I spend a half-hour on the eliptical trainer earlier in the day doing pre-pennance to make up for it.

I was struck by a recent comment here by someone who questioned my transition because all she ever wanted to be was "just a woman" and I admittedly do not. I suppose that I don't want to be "just" an anything. I suppose my transition was a gateway, not a destination, and the path that it made available to me is the day-to-day life that I enjoy today. It is as much (or more) mental than physical, and has as much (or more) to do with a deep sense of profound inner peace than anything tangible or visible. I hope we can at least agree that there is no single one path to inner peace, and that none of those paths are any more or less relevant than others.

Our path changes as we change. it "becomes" as we live and learn and do. It is affected by time and experience, and at the same time it helps to shape those very things. I truly believe that far too many people transition without ever recognizing it for what it is and in doing so they do themselves a huge disservice. I also think many people seize control of their lives during the process, but then gradually relinquish it again afterwards. As the person said in her comment to me, "It's your life" and yes - it very much is.

Contrary to what seems to be popular opinion, I don't feel that transition is something you get through and then move on with life. For me, it IS life, and although physical aspects or social aspects of it may dwindle with time the emotional aspects, the spiritual aspects, the life-altering perspective that it provided for me has not waned. I went to a theological discussion not long ago given by someone who challenged that God was not an external entity as is so often depicted but rather, God was like water and we are like fish. We live in it always and everywhere - it is part of us, and we are part of it. I like that metaphor for other aspects of my life, as well.

These are not simply words in my day-to-day life. It is a calling. It is a challenge. It is a constant reminder that there is only so much time and so much to do. And whereas I respect that others do not share a similar perspectives or life-goals I also don't feel the need to apologize for mine. And, I choose to fill my life with those who share a similar life energy as it's highly contageous.

I've got a number of "theme songs" in life. That is, there are a number of songs that effectively articulate different things that I feel, that I feel passionate about, or that evoke a strong emotional response in me. Music is the back-drop of my life and I'm always looking for new and interesting and fresh. One theme song in particular comes to mind right now.

Anything but ordinary...

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I have been
To the extreme.

So knock me off my feet
C'mon now, give it to me.
Anything to make me feel alive.

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
and leave me here to bleed.
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary, please.

Good, good stuff. It just seems self-evident to me. Anyway....

When I'm on my bike I typically have to go over a bridge to get anywhere outside of downtown. The largest bridge is a couple of miles long over the Cooper River, and is quite steep. Running or biking up it can be a challenge, but once you've reached the top the downhill ride can be pretty intense. According to the cycling app on my iPhone I've reached 49 mph going down that hill and the wind in your hair while the world buzzes by is quite the rush. It gets extra dicey when it's windy out and the bike shimmies a little bit while you plummet down this sidewalk. Anyway - this song reminds me of that....

Ancient History

2011-09-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

A couple of people have written to me in recent days asking for my thoughts on the recent announcement that HRC President, Joe Solmonese, will be stepping down when his contract ends in early 2012. I don't really have anything to say because I don't really think it matters at this point. But now that he's leaving the process for finding a replacement begins.

I'll share a story. I share it because there are very few people who know it, and I don't want it to get lost. I haven't written anything very political lately and I really don't want to get pulled back there. But I think this is a story worth sharing given Joe's upcoming departure. I want to go back and start at the beginning....

Back in late 2004 I was on the HRC Business Council, but at that point there were still no trans people on HRC's board. HRC ED Sheryl Jacques had just ended her bumpy 11-month tenure with the organization and they found themselves in a similar position of needing to find a new ED. The process to do this is typically to put together an internal "ED Search" team entrusted with bringing forth a recommendation to the rest of the board. That team usually has a small group of core members, and a larger group of board members representing different interests in the organization.

Despite the fact that I wat not a board member I was asked to be on that team. We set in motion a national search with the goal of casting as wide a net as possible, narrowing the field to a select few, and then bringing the entire team to Washington DC to interview each of the finalists before making a decision. At the time we were facing a number of very real time pressures. One was that our annual Leadership event that brings HRC people from all over the country to DC for a couple of days of training, rah-rah, and organizing was happening in early March and we wanted to be able to make the announcement there. Secondly, the organization was putting the finishing touches on its 5-year plan and wanted at least some level of input from the new ED before finalizing it.

So, the search process started. The larger team convened on a phone conference every couple of weeks to get a status update on how many candidates there were, who might be seriously considered, and people who had declined to be considered for some reason. As we moved into February the core team had whittled the field down to what they described as 4 "strong" finalists. They didn't share the identity of the finalists with us, but we all made travel plans to come to DC for the final round of interviews.

Well, one of the finalists withdrew early that week which reduced the number of finalists to three. And, when we all arrived in DC and convened to interview the 3 remaining candidates we were dismayed to learn that two of those three had similarly withdrawn their names from consideration. So, in fact, there was only one candidate left.

This posed no end of potential problems for us. One was the real possibility of having to start all over again and having to explain why. Another concern was why had these supposedly "strong" candidates withdrawn at the 11th hour? What weren't we doing right? So, rather than having a choice to make between several candidates our choice was to pick the one finalist who hadn't withdrawn, or to start again.

At the time Joe was the President of Emily's List, a large national women's organization. We brought him in to interview him and I'll admit it was one of the most unique interviews I've ever seen. There were specific situational questions, role-playing scenarios, and a round-table where each of us was given the opportunity to ask a question. He did a good job and despite we didn't have other options we voted unanimously to recommend hiring Joe to the Board. The rest is history.

Until the end of 2007 my own relationship with Joe was a good one. In late 2005 there had been an "incident" with diversity so the board had asked myself and David Wilson to take on the roles of national co-chairs of Diversity. It was more than coincidence that the only trans-person and the only African-American on the board were asked to manage diversity, and we were both justifiably concerned that we were being used as symbolic figure-heads with no real power.

Before accepting the position we met with Joe to outline our vision for the Diversity organization inside of HRC which up to that point was comprised of 2 staffers who reported to the Director of the Foundation. David and I envisioned a structured Diversity organization that followed the lead of corporate America. We envisioned a leader (Chief Diversity Officer), a reporting structure where that leader reported directly to the ED (not to the Foundation), a staff of diversity specialists, and an organizational commitment to include Diversity in everything we did.

As of mid-2007 we were well on our way to achiving that and our results were not merely symbolic - they were tangible. The role of CDO was created and after a number of interviews we hired someone that Joe had recommended. She did a great job. We started to hire a diverse staff to support her. We built Diversity training that was required for every board member. And we re-shaped the relationship between HRC National and our various Steering Committees across the country. A highlight was arranging for Joe to come to speak at SCC. That was a big deal, and it could have been something truly special.

That's partly why the events of late 2007 and early 2008 were such a bitter pill to swallow. Because it effectively unmasked the organization as simply another political animal where the day-to-day touchy-feely trappings of the Foundation were proven to be merely window dressing. And regardless of how many press-releases HRC issues about his accomplishments while at the helm, I firmly believe that Joe's most significant legacy will be as a divider, not a uniter, and was forged over the character-defining decisions surrounding ENDA. And nothing he's done in the meantime has done anything to change that.

I'm in no position to judge - the tribunal of Time will do that.

Scenes from a Weekend.

2011-09-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

Labor Day marks the unofficial end of summer. In Phoenix temperatures continue to soar to 110 degrees, and in Texas the weather is similarly toasty so you'd be hard-pressed to prove that it's the end of anything, but in fact days are getting shorter, some of the leaves here in Charleston are starting to fall, mornings are significantly cooler (as are most of the days, for that matter), so it's easier to envision.

Labor Day also represents a number of other things - none of which I recognize. One is the informal rule that you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day and before Memorial Day. Phooey on that. I've got some white clothes I like and I'll continue to wear them. Stores here are having all kinds of Labor Day sales featuring fall fashions (sweaters, long sleeve tops, boots) but I've said it before and it's true that I've made a lifestyle choice to wear open-toed shoes all year long.

I'm a visual person and I've said before that living here is a continual visual smorgasbord. Every day I find myself doing things that fill my senses with the wonderful energy that the area seems uniquely able to provide. There is a same-wavelength resonance that fills my days that I just get enough of. Here are a few photos I took using my iPhone over these last couple of days....

Saturday I went for a wonderful kayak trip down some of the local waterways. There are small islands with small strips of beach that are untouched by anyone and have some wonderful scenery for those willing to see it.

Mags and I spent the evening sitting on the lawn at a local park nearby...

Yesterday was a typically diverse weather day here. I took the pup for her walk shortly after sun-up and although I've shared photos of the scene down by the water here before it's always different, always breath-taking, and a constant reminded of what makes this area so special for me.

Yesterday afternoon I took a ride on my bike and crossed the Cooper River Bridge - there was rain in the distance. Another fascinating scene...

Anyway - my iPhone is always at the ready to capture these things. It's a constant visual feast.

I was planning to take a day-trip in the car today and may still do that a little later. Most important is to go to the gym shortly. I've got a lot of energy and am looking forward to burning it off. I've also got a number of things I should do around the house and am trying to work up my muster to justify doing them on a Holiday. If I were a betting person I'd bet that I don't stray too far today....especially if it starts raining as they say.

I also find living here takes me back to earlier stages of my life. For example, I don't have a washer or dryer here so Saturdays often involve going to the Laundromat. I've found one that I like, and the Korean woman who works there always greets me warmly and enjoys chatting. They have a drop-off service but I prefer to do it myself - it actually reminds me of when I was in college.

Another thing that takes me back to earlier stages of my life are some of the things that seem to be coming up time and again that, for me, haven't changed a bit. In early 2004 I wrote an essay and shared it on my website titled "A Stealth Life" that remains as true for me now as it was then. I read Jamison Green's keynote at SCC 2005 titled "Becoming Visible" and am struck by how his powerful theme continues to resonate today, just as back then.

I'm going to say this once simply for the sake of ensuring that there is no confusion: Who and what I am, what I think, what I do, what I say, and what I will continue to advocate for has remained consistent for a long time. It's not up for popular consensus, democratic vote, popularity contests, and is not derailed by noisy distractions.

Whether anyone likes it or not, my will and my character is stronger than those who would disrespect it, trivialize it, misrepresent it, or try to control it. Whether anyone else cares, understands, or likes what I have to say or how I say it here is irrelevant - my little blog has always been my own personal outlet for me. I'm always open to hearing from those who have other perspectives but my tolerance for crass, ignorant, disrespectful, non-productive behavior here simply depends on my mood at the time. Despite what some may think, I do get cranky sometimes.

My idea of "activism" these days is far more social than political. And the role that it plays in my day-to-day world has become much less formal and much less time-intensive than it once was. That all trickles down here to my blog, and the things I choose to share here. Anyone who has met me will know that the things I say and how I say them are consistent with how I am. For better or for worse.

If this isn't your kind of place for whatever reason the answer is simple - go someplace else! How difficult is that to get? I'm enjoying life far too much right now to let those who apparently have bad energy to spare to infect my own little world. Just not gonna happen.

iTunes is having a Labor Day Sale this weekend on a few select CD's. One is by Maroon 5 that has one of my current favorite songs...Moves Like Jagger. It's a great spinning song - the beat goes at the same speed as my feet (or vice versa).

Now, it's time to take the pup (she's fresh and soft from a bath yesterday) for a walk down by the water, and then to get on with the day. She can still make me laugh out loud and that certainly stands for something. Onwards...

Fine days

2011-09-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

Some days are just good days. Yesterday was one. Today was another. Various components were actually pretty unremarkable but at the same time it all added up to a wonderful time.

I had a friend visiting yesterday and we spent the afternoon getting a mani/pedi and doing some shopping. The first Friday of every month is the Gallery Walk where all the local art galleries have wine, munchies, music, and artists on hand to chat. It was a blast. We went out for drinks and live music afterwards and didn't get home until almost midnight. Thankfully I said "no" to those last Chocolate Martini's, but my friend was paying for them this morning. :)

Today included spinning class and some time at the gym this morning, a wonderful afternoon kayaking along some of the local waterways, a long walk downtown, and some time just laying in the grass with Maggie at a nearby park. The weather was pristine. All things considered - good "soul" days.

To revisit my comments about Chaz Bono appearing on Dancing With the Stars, I reiterate my strong support for him and for the importance that these kinds of things play in the cultural war for validation. Fox News published an outrageously transphobic but sadly predictable op-ed urging parents to avoid letting their kids watch it (read it here). ABC News published a much more supportive piece on how to talk to kids about Chaz (see it here).

NPR did a story on it, too, and there's a line in it I find particularly interesting:

...One of the things that makes this an interesting development is that ABC — and its parent company, Disney — apparently decided that it's safe to cast a transgender person on a show that appeals largely to middle-aged affluent women.

There's an audio segment (listen here). One particular quote:

MARTIN: You know, Eric, there are certain moments that are seen as breakthrough moments in television, like for example "Julia," the series "Julia," where Diahann Carroll was the star, you know, the first African-American to kind of lead in a mainstream television show. Is this that kind of moment?

DEGGANS: Yeah, I think it is. "Dancing with the Stars" is the second-most-watched show on television. When it airs, it's usually the most-watched show on television, depending on whether "American Idol" was on. And that is an audience that's mostly middle-aged, affluent white women. And this is a message that hey, a transgendered person is equal to everyone else, get to know this person.

I agree.

People can argue with me all they want about whether or not this is a good thing but the fact that it's happening at all is indicative about how things are changing. I mentioned in my last post about how I feel regarding those who are opposed to it specifically because of his "surgical status". Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time will know that I do not share those reservations or feelings and I'm not about to change now. I'm comfortable with how I feel, and I'm still thrilled to see this....

I'll go a step further and say that any time I have an opportunity to talk in public - I've got some training events coming up, I'm speaking at Fantasia Fair, I'm doing a thing for CNN, I'm speaking at a dinner in Denver later this month to name a few - I will reiterate my support for the tide of transpeople of all kinds stepping up and taking active, visible roles in society. That includes Chaz. And that includes my wrestling....I'm actively training to qualify for the US Olympic Team Trials next April.

The last thing that comes to mind as being as big as this on the Culture Meter was the Newsweek Cover Story in May 2007 titled "The Mystery of Gender".

Pause: As I was typing this I something caught my eye up near the ceiling and I noticed that there was a bat flitting around the room. I opened the back doors and tried to "herd" it out - it finally found it's way out after 5 minutes of flying back and forth around the room. Sheesh.

In closing - good day today. I'm looking forward to another good one tomorrow. TLM and the Posse are out doing a pub crawl in AZ tonight. Wish I could be there with them....

I Don't Care

2011-09-03T05:48:00.000-07:00

I rarely respond to comments people leave here because I feel it's a free world where people are free to share their opinions. But I'm feeling feisty this morning for some reason so I'll make an exception.

Someone left this comment on my previous post - it's there for anyone who cares to read it.

Did it ever occur to you that there are MANY of us that find what you and what Chaz are going abhorrent? That your " self appointed activism" and his plain and simple limelight milking are hurting us both past and future far more than it is helping? That the both of you are out there reinforcing the publics prurient idea that we are all in it just in it for the sexual kicks and that those messy little things me need to survive like surgery are cosmetic and optional!

My response: Of course it occurs to me. But the fact is - I don't care! That's why this is MY blog and not yours or anyone else's. If you don't agree with me - big friggin' deal. I'm not here to share what's popular, and I don't give a rat's a$$ whether you or anyone else feel similarly or not.

No matter what you do in the world there will be someone there to criticize it or NOT like it. The minute you start living your life based on your perceptions of popular opinions is the minute you give up your individuality and you admit that you're simply another sucker who is willing to hide. I'm not that sucker, so if you come here to criticize my "self appointed activism" all I can say is go out and do your own. I suppose if you are willing to take risks, if you get involved in efforts that are worthwhile, if you establish some legacy of your own you'll have your own "limelight" to milk, but until then stop yelling from the sidelines. As far as I'm concerned, all you are is noise.

If you had wanted to have an intelligent conversation about it that's one thing. But you obviously don't, so that's fine too. Apparently that's your brand of activism. But some things never change and when you get bitter, disenfranchised people who can't see the forest for the trees, who have one message that they need to reinforce again and again and again, who seems to view anyone who disagrees as some sort of enemy or threat - it's just being angry.

I've said and done unpopular things before and I'm fine with all of it. I'm a big girl and can handle it. My dad used to tell me that when too many people start to agree with him he begins to worry that he must be wrong. Regardless, don't think for a second that I'm going to change a thing I say or do because you may or may not like it. It's just that simple.

So back to my original point. I appreciate that you don't like what Chaz and/or I are doing - but I just don't friggin' care. If you want to share your opinions somewhere, start your own blog. And I'll continue to do my thing here. So if you don't like it - the answer is actually very simple. Just don't come and visit.

If me somehow meet one of these days talk to me like that in person. Face-to-face. I double dare you. But no - the anonymity of the internet gives rise to fools who feel emboldened to say ignorant things that shouldn't be said, or to abandon simple rules of respect and etiquette, or to think anyone else gives a damn. I write my blog because it provides an outlet for me - it's that simple. If you can't accept that - three words: Ki$$ my A$$.