The moment

I didn't watch a minute of football Sunday.  Honestly.  I was too busy doing other "stuff" and it just didn't fit into the day.  But last night - Monday Night Football.  And I watched.

It was a long day.  I woke up in Charleston, took care of some things there, drove the 4 1/2 hours to Raleigh, and was at work until 7:30.  It's not a complaint - just a long day.

I have a rental car for the week while my truck is in the body shop.  It's a 2013 Camaro, a very sexy car.  I'll have to admit that I'm having fun driving it - it's a big difference from my truck.

I uploaded a couple of photos from the weekend to my Snaplog.

Part of getting through life one day at a time isn't necessarily finding answers to difficult questions or even taking action.  It's coming to peace with your situation.  I've learned the hard way that it's easy to mistake thrashing for positive action.  I've also learned to sleep on difficult decisions because I've made more than my fair share of emotional, passion-of-the-moment choices.

Regardless, it'd be nice if there were some kind of connect-the-dots, step-by-step process to make the "right" decision.  The problem is...I'd argue that there is rarely ever one right decision.  In fact, there are probably many "wrong" decisions but the paralysis that waiting for all the information to make decisions is often more of a delay tactic than anything constructive.

If I write another book the process of decision making would be part of it.  I'm no decision "expert", as I don't think anyone can claim to be, but I still find it a fascinating process.  As I've admitted here more than once, I have no problem at all making decisions.  It's making "good" decisions that I sometimes struggle with.

The thing that's different now is that I actually seek input on some of the more difficult ones.  I've talked with a couple of my most trusted "advisors" more than once in recent weeks, and I suspect we'll be continuing to talk for a while as things continue to play out.

But for now - things are calm.  It's just a moment, but for those who can live in the moment...that's a good thing.

My niece has been posting various photos from her wedding on FB.  There are several of me.  There's one in particular that I like.  I don't know why.  Maybe it was just the moment....

Time to Play

I had a "Make-over" at MAC yesterday.  I remember a time when those kinds of things where - like - Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, my birthday, and the Fourth of July all wrapped into on.  The opportunity for someone who actually knows what they're doing to work their magic on my face was such an exciting (and rare) thing it would consume my thinking for days.

I also remember a time when the end result was as depressing as the excitement leading up to it.  Regardless of what they did, there was no getting past the fact that the face behind the paint still didn't reflect WHO I was.  It provided a brief opportunity for Donna to express herself in ways that where otherwise generally forbidden, or deeply hidden, but at some point in the middle of it all the excitement suddenly gave way to sadness, and I couldn't wait to go and wash it all off - wishing I could wash the forces that drove me to these things away as well.

Anyway - yesterday's session had none of that.  My MAC people here in Charleston have become friends.  We know each other on a first name basis, and if I ever need a hug I know I can get one there. They're the coolest, nicest people and although we always take the time to talk and catch up on things yesterday we actually took an hour to "play".  It was fun.

I make time to play on my weekends.  It's restaurant week in Charleston - I've written about that before - so I went to my favorite 3-for-$30 place for a steak.  I usually eat at the bar, as I know all the bartenders there too and there were a half-dozen very drunk guys from Auburn there.  Apparently Auburn lost yesterday so they were unhappy, but that didn't make them any less humorous as a group of drunk young guys.  One of them wanted to show me his abs....I told him it was a good start.  He wasn't amused...

Normally I'd head back to Raleigh today but I've got several things here locally tomorrow.  I have to visit my doctor.  I'm dropping the truck off to get repaired (from the fender bender - they'll have it all week).  I've got a meeting about some insurance.  Then - it's a mad dash BACK to Raleigh.  Next week is a crazy week for me so I suppose I should enjoy this bit of down time while I can.

Double Lives

It's Friday again.  Yay.  And I'm headed to Charleston again.  Double-yay.

I almost feel like I'm living a double life.  I have my weekday, worker-bee life away from home.  And I've got my weekend life in Charleston.  And never the two shall meet.  :)

I suppose lots of people have double lives of one kind or another.  Or even triple, or quadruple.  But for now, this balance of here and there is the familiar and the unfamiliar.  With everything else that's popping in my world right now - balance is necessary.

I stopped in to see a place to live more long-term (if I stay here).  It was exactly what I'd need.  The reason that this is relevant for this conversation is that they guy who would be my room mate had a 2-meter ham radio and I said something about it.  There was a time in my prior life when I was an Extra class ham operator so I know more than a little about it.  He was impressed.  He was doubly impressed because he doesn't know that many women who are involved in the hobby.  As I say....double life.

I need to drop off my truck to get the bumper repaired from the fender-bender several weeks ago.  I'm dropping it off while I'm in Charleston which means I need to go back to Charleston to get it, too.  I need to go to the doctor to get my flu vaccine.  I'll do that while I'm in Charleston too.

One of the goals while I'm there this weekend is to make some decisions on places to live when I'm there. Oh - plus it's one of my favorite times of year....Restaurant Week. 

I'm only scratching the surface on what's happening with me right now.  But until I feel that things are settled to a point where I'm comfortable sharing them - I'll just leave it at that.

FB

So...

It's fall.  Perhaps not "officially", but for all intents and purposes the mindset changes on Labor Day from summer to autumn.  I realize it's not true for everyone - when I lived in Phoenix one hundred degree day isn't all that much different from the previous one.  But there are a number of annual cues that make it unmistakable beyond simply that you're supposed to put away your white clothes until spring...

Most significant, to me, is football.  It's football season.  Even though I'm not nearly as invested in what happens the fact that it's happening at all means it's autumn.  In my simplistic way of looking at things, the two are synonymous.   Fall=Football.

I traditionally live in places where there are significant college rivalries.  In Charleston (and through much of South Carolina) it's the two colleges in Columbia - Clemson and the University of South Carolina (the "other" USC).  Here in Raleigh it's even bigger - NC State, Duke, Wake Forest, UNC.  Most of these schools are better known for their basketball programs than for football, but it's still one of those fall things.

Last night I made sure to be back to the hotel to watch.  It grounds me.  Football is one of the threads that connected my dad, my brother, and I.  It was a connection to our city, and to other fans.  It doesn't even matter who's playing so much...there's football season, and there are the long months filled with preparing for football season.  And - here we are!

I was listening to something on the radio the other day and they were talking about what songs that came out during this past summer will be used to "define" it.  I think the general consensus of the people talking is that there were a number of candidates, but that the single most defining song will be "Call Me Maybe".  I dunno - it's catchy, it's danceable, but at the end of the day it's ultimately only as memorable as similarly catchy, danceable songs.

For me - the song that defines this past summer is "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye.  Besides being unique, and complex, with haunting deep lyrics, and a cool video the deeper meanings apply to a number of people in my world for a number of reasons (don't read more into that than necessary - it's as much symbolic as literal).  Anyway - it's my personal Summer 2012 song.



Football.  FB.  Fall.

Speaking of FB, it also stands for Facebook.  Let's talk about FB messages for a minute....

In FB, there are your "normal" In-Box for messages.  Then there is an in-box titled "Other".

I didn't find the "Other" in-box until a year ago.  It was full of what seemed like spammy come-on email from guys.  There were a few things there that I would have liked to see in my "normal" in box, but most of it was pretty trashy stuff.  Some included indecent photos...some pretty raunchy stuff.

Anyway, recently many of the emails that show up there seem to have a similar theme....

Here's part of one from today:

How are you doing?i am xxxxxxx by name ,i am a widow,never still married since my ex died,i have a son...i am Looking for a serious woman who i am gonna call my wife for real...

A widow?  This guy even included his cell# in the note, saying he's waiting for my call.  Ummm, no.

 Here's part of one from yesterday:

i saw your profile page last time when i was searching for an old friend of mine in Facebook ,you re very pretty i must say and am kind attracted to you,am sorry if you feel offended but i will be glad to know you more.. Am a father of a lovely child whose wife died of a car accident four years ago. i have never been so attracted to anyone ever since her death years back or gotten into any relationship.

I've received 25 or more of similar ilk:  have a child, wife died in car accident, can't be bothered to use any capital letters, looking for a wife.

Now - I'm no rocket scientist but who the heck would even answer one of those?  Is that supposed to be flattering?  I mean....really?! 

Sometimes these things get through whatever filter FB uses to direct them to the "other" in box.

But regardless of these intrusions, the gems that somehow get through make it worth staying plugged in.  For now.

One thing about North Carolina - my hair loves it here.  It's still humid, but for some reason my hair is soft and smooth and it behaves itself.  It's not quite Phoenix good, but my hair enjoys it much better than Charleston, or Austin.

Hug

I was in my hotel room last night, flipping through channels.  As I mentioned I've made it a point to avoid the National Conventions because if feels like either selling me something I already want, or something I don't, and I'm not in the political rah-rah mood at the moment.  I know who would best serve my needs and who best reflects how I feel about things.

I ended up on the National Geographic Channel.  There was a show following the Trauma Unit at a Hospital in Chicago on a Friday night.  Oh. My. God.

I have no idea how those people do what they do.  God bless 'em.  But the sight of some of that stuff made me woozy.  I can't imagine actually being there and seeing it while it's happening, or having to deal with it in a personal kind of way.  For some reason I stayed on that channel until the show ended.  I was horrified. but I watched.  Man oh man.

One friend who knows me and reads what I share her recently wrote to me to tell me that I seem sad (you know who you are!).  She's very intuitive.

Well, first off, I'm not sure what words and/or phrases convey this message.  And I don't know if "sad" is the right word - melancholy, blue, other words with similar meaning but having various subtle differences in connotation would also work - but I'm not worried about the semantics.

Truth be told, it's probably true.  There are parts of my life right now that do make me sad, or at least have me less than happy. 

Before getting too far into this, I want to say that I'm not under some pervasive cloud of sadness, because that's not accurate.  I'm not depressed, either, at least not that I know of.  But the overwhelming change I've been dealing with recently mixed with the isolation of being alone in a strange place, in a hotel room, has been a significant burden on my psyche.  I've done this before, and I'm self-sufficient enough to do what needs be done, but I don't like it.  It's lonely, and it's hard, and it's....well....sad.

I've written about this in the past but I'll share it again because it's important.  One of the people who writes in a way that I can absolutely identify with is Dr Anne Vitale.  I've read her stuff since the earliest days of my transition and she seems to get it right every time.  Her most recent essay, published in April, is a reflection on post-op life (read it here).  It resonates.

I'm at a stage of life where I had expected to be more settled than I am.  I think that's part of it.  And I'm about to get even more unsettled before I allow myself to GET settled.  It just becomes a drain after a while.

I'm certainly not going to have a pity party for myself.  I've actually got things pretty good.  Job is fine.  Health is good.  Overall mood is good.  No major distractions.  There are some relatively minor irritations, but that's just part of life.  Overall,  something is missing, and that's the crux of it.

For some the missing piece is a fulfilling intimate partner.  That's not my most pressing need.  I find that the person who could be the other half of my coin would be a fairly rare thing.  Actively looking for someone to fill that role feels like it would be an energy sucking, confidence sapping, undertaking that would REALLY be depressing.  I won't let myself go there.  At least not now, while other things need attention.

I'm changing.  I suppose everyone is always changing, but this is a time of molting for me.  I'm moving past some parts of my life that have been there for a long time but need changing, I'm facing some of the things I've put on the back burner as finally needing to be settled, and in general there's lots going on.  I'm re-evaluating relationships, I'm re-evaluating priorities, I'm got lots of time on my hands to think, and that's not always a good thing.  

As I type this I've got basic creature comforts I could want.  I've got a good job, making a very good salary, at a billion dollar tech company known as being the leader in its field.  I've got very few distractions and if I did the logical thing I'd set my anchor here and start moving forward.

But that's not what I'm doing...at least not yet.  I'm unsettled.  I've got other needs that need attention so I'm taking care of bidness.  So, the more I think about it...I'm a little sad, I'm a little unfulfilled, and I'm a lot unsettled right now.

I'm not alone in this.  I suspect that lots and lots of us can relate.  These are universal human experiences. And, as my dad used to say....this too shall pass.

The song that immediately comes to mind...


So - if you see me.  Gimme a hug.  The universal cure for whatever ails you is a good hug.  And really - that's all I'd need right now.  :)

Retail Therapy

Happy Labor Day.  Unfortunately, this day involves some labor.  I guess I won't complain as it certainly could be worse.

I need to bring my "stuff" 4 miles from one hotel to another.  I wasn't sure how long I'd be in this situation, but at the moment I'm not actively looking for something more permanent here so I'm going to an Extended Stay place that's a little less of a number of things.  It's less expensive.  It's less convenient.  I suspect it's less comfortable.  But, it has a kitchen so that's a plus.  Did I mention that it's less expensive?  Yup - I did.  Anyway, until some things get settled this is the way it's going to be and I've become ok with that.

I took a picture of the "other" side of the room here in the hotel at the moment.  Not horrible, but still several trips to the truck to pack.  I uploaded it to SnapLog along with a pic from the target I mentioned yesterday.  Still feeling good about that... (SnapLog here).


In my "balance" world I've got some fun scheduled for today, too.  I've got an appointment at the Apple store to chat about a couple of things.  It's near one of the other major stores I enjoy visiting, so although I don't necessarily need more "stuff" to move one can never underestimate the value of Retail Therapy.

Good day yesterday.  I went to a new gym and enjoyed that - good energy there leading to a good workout.  I visited a park at a lake.  The afternoon included a couple hundred miles of driving but no big deal.  I hooked up my DVD player to the TV here in the room so I'm not bouncing off the walls without anything to watch.  There was a fascinating story on 60 Minutes last night about KahnAcademy.  I got caught up on my laundry laundry.  I burned the pictures I took at my niece's wedding to CD's to send to the family.  I'm uncluttering some general clutter in life, things that I've needed to do for a while but I'm taking this time in-between "chapters" to do something about.

In another of those paradox things, I spent some time last night with my sewing kit fixing a couple of minor things that have needed a stitch here or there.  Sewing is one of those things mom mom does very well, and that I'd actually like to learn how to do more than simply be able to clumsily stitch the most rudimentary tears or buttons.

In this case, one of the fixes was on one of my favorite bras...I've had it for a long time and we've been thru a lot together.  I have grown into 38D bras, and for those who don't like them or wear them regularly, a good bra is more than a piece of clothing.  It's embracing some very important "assets",  so although there are some very significant basic considerations (are the straps comfortable?  how well does it fit?  what about the cups?) there's also an intimate intangible component as well (how does it make me feel?)  I realize there's a time to "let go", but this is the second bra that has had a "strap" issue so I fixed her.  She's a little tattered, but as far as I'm concerned she's got a bit more life left in her.

The "fix"

I may not make someone a domestic goddess someday, but at least I can do the basics when it comes to sewing and cooking.  I wish I were better, and still hold out hope to take lessons on learning because I really do want to.  Ironically, that's about the same rudimentary level that I am with a hammer or a saw, too, but I have no interest whatsoever in getting better with those things.

I'm a very, very, very loyal person.  I'm not sure that my own definition of "loyal" is the same as anyone else's but, I can point to a dozen examples in my world that make no sense but fit into that "loyalty".  For example, when it comes to buying my MAC make-up, I could go to any local store and do it but I call it into my peeps in Charleston so I can stop in, see them, and we can "play".  99% of my makeup is MAC.  100% of my bras are Victorie's Secret.  They're made well, they fit me, and I enjoy the overall "experience" of shopping for them.  As I say - retail therapy.

The Domocrat  Party world is descending on North Carolina.  Charlotte is less than three hours from here and the DNC is happening there all week long.  It's all over the news here so there's no getting away from it even if you wanted to.  According to recent news repots North Carolina is up for grabs so it's gonna get worse here before it gets better.

I feel no guilt in admitting that I don't plan to watch any of it, and will generally avoid all the "stuff" coming from it.  As I've shared already - when it comes to my vote my mind is already set for many, many good reasons.  Mitt Romney represents everything that I detest about "politics" these days so that's not a hard one.  But my opinion of Mr. Obama isn't quite what it was 4 years ago either.  My biggest concern at the time was that he had set such high expectations and wouldn't be able to deliver.  In my opinion - by and large - it took him a while to gain a sense of what being "president" was about.  And by the time he did, the moment had passed so he has become a victim of his own unrealized potential.

The thing I find most concerning is that there is such a large crowd of "Anyone But Obama" that would vote for Mitt Romney - it says something pretty scary to me about this country.  But be that as it may - everyone is entitled to an opinion so I'm going to hunker down while all the theatrics are being played and just do my thing.  I expect some big things happening in my world this week.

I try to avoid talking politics too much here, but I suppose my own blog is the appropriate forum for my own opinions if I wanted to expand on them.  I share them here more as a sign of disengagement more than anything.  I'm certainly a very engaged American.  But the background motivation isn't fueled by the same passion that it was 4 years ago.

In an odd way I've gotten relatively comfortable here in this hotel.  The bed is comfortable.  The room is big enough.  I've learned where things are....in the various boxes or drawers or closets...so things aren't in so much tumult as usually comes with moving.  I'm hoping the next place has a similar feel to it - if the vibe isn't good there my current good head-space could take a bit of a hit.  Anyway, we shall see.

So - now to set about packing.  The sooner that's done, the sooner I can enjoy the rest of the day.

Outlook

It's a pretty Sunday morning.  I'm having breakfast at a hotel in Columbia SC.  As of Sept 1 I've gone my own version of a high protein/low carb diet for a while.  The first few days of these things are usually "interesting" but I've done them before so it's nothing I can't handle.  Your body gets used to lots of sugar so even though you may be eating other things, not having the typical high dose of carbs causes a "withdrawal".  Yuck.  But necessary.

As I've said in the past, I don't weigh myself.  I gauge my size by my clothes, and in particular by some slacks I own.  So, I'll know when I'm done when I can fit back into these pants.  I've started running again, too, which I've been pretty slack at doing over the summer.  It's just time to get back to it after a much needed "rest" following the intensity of the wrestling stuff.  That's pretty much the cycle of my life - intense/rest/intense/rest....

I was in Charleston for most of the day yesterday which was very pleasant.  I've been working in Raleigh for two weeks now and both weekends have included day-trips back home.  So far so good in that regard...it provides balance.  I still haven't found a place to settle - partly because a few things that seemed like possibilities have proven to include to much drama.  And partly because I'm still to unsettled to get settled.  That probably sounds like a paradox, but it's true.

I've decided to change hotels, though.  That starts tomorrow, so my Labor Day will be spent moving again.  From one hotel to another.  That may not sound like much work but I've actually got quite a bit of stuff collected from not knowing that I'd be able to get back to Charleston so frequently.  I suspect it will take the better part of the afternoon, assuming that it's not pouring.  I need to put the stuff in the back of the truck so if it's raining that'll slow things down.

I spent part of the day yesterday at the gun range trying various handguns. I'm focused .45's and have been doing research for a while now.  But shooting is like driving - it's one thing to read reviews or see videos online bu nothing can replace actually getting one in your hand so you can feel it.  It's amazing how different one gun is from another in terms of how it feels, how it aims, the kick after the shot...there are lots of dynamics involved.

One of the guys there was very, very helpful in looking over my shoulder, making some suggestions on stance and things to do/not do.  It really helped, and I both enjoyed and appreciated his help.  He got me an extra target and put it out - wanted to see what I could do with it.  Well, I did myself proud. (I'll post a picture of it on my SnapLog).  The person I usually deal with there is a woman a little younger than I am but she's a hoot.  Anyway...I enjoy going there.

I realize that guns are a touchy subject.  I appreciate that, and they're not for everyone.  I'm relatively new to them myself.  But one of the ingredients I'm looking for in my first firearm purchase is one that's actually fun to shoot.  I enjoy going to the range.  That's more important to me than getting something small I can put in my purse, or getting something that I'm going to lock in a drawer in my house and hope to never use.  I've learned that when I'm interested in something I wade pretty deep and I can already tell this is going to be one of those things.

Anyway - For this first gun I've pretty much settled on the specific model I'll be buying, and where I'll be buying it from.  Now it's a matter of saving the $$$ given all the other expenses in my life at the moment.  In one of those unique life balance things, another of my errands yesterday was to visit my people at the MAC counter.  I recently ordered some makeup and had to go pick it up.  I know most of the girls there by name and look forward to seeing them, too.  They're a cool, fun, hip kinda crowd.

That's what I'm talking about when I say that Charleston has come to be "home".  I know people there. They make doing things fun.  And as I've articulated here recently wherever I go for work - I'm going to keep a foothold in the Low Country.  That's my grounding.  That's my center right now.  I'll visit it every weekend if I have to, but for now the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder is true in that respect.

I've said in the past that I consider FB to be a blessing and a curse.  But when it is a blessing - that's what keeps me there.  People I haven't kept in touch with over the years or surprising things that turn up.  Otherwise, I would have disconnected from it a long time ago.  When I stop seeing that value - I'll unplug.

In the meantime I started deleting 'Friends' from FB since I'm way over the limit and people I actually want to keep in touch with can't connect with me.  If all you post is political stuff - we really don't need to be friends.  We probably already have similar views anyways, so don't get your feelings hurt if it happens.  If all we have in common is "trans" stuff - and we don't connect regularly - that's probably not enough either.  Anyway, I'm trying to delete upwards of 25 people a day so I can get to a point of being able to add people I actually know.

I've got some errands to do here in Columbia today so I'm going to head out to start.  I'm relatively upbeat at the moment for some reason - not sure why considering all that's happening in the background that I'm not talking about.  But the important part of life is outlook - that helps to overcome the gloomiest of days.

Onwards.