Trust the Gut

Sunday AM:

As I type this it's a beautiful early fall morning in Charleston. I had a very peaceful breakfast enjoying the cool morning air in the courtyard of one of the restaurants downtown. The key, as with most restaurants on Sunday morning I suppose, is getting there before church gets out. I did, and now I'm sitting for a few minutes on a park bench to take some deep breaths, to think, and to let my considerable arsenal of defenses down for a little while.

I've got a number of places I like to go to relax, to think, or just to let my mind empty itself.  That's one of the cool things about Charleston - they seem to have put benches in these strategic places that lend themselves well for that.

My Sunday Bench

My Sunday Bench

The view from this particular bench is pretty remarkable.  Bright blue sky.  Marshes at low tide.  The big bridge in the background.  Downtown just across the way.  It's all there....

I've had a very busy last couple of weeks - some of which I've shared here and some of which I haven't. Regardless, opportunities that pop up and decisions that need to be made have are part of the ongoing re-direction that I've been doing lately.

I have no problem making decisions. We could argue whether or not they're good ones but when I make them there is a reason. Sometimes it's hope that they'll open the door to other things. Sometimes it's simply out of need. Sometimes it's part of some bigger plan. Regardless....there's always a reason.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about some of these things and she reminded me of something I know, but have somehow forgotten. She said, "Trust your gut.". Ironically, that's what I needed to hear because as often as not - it all comes down to that.  Trust your gut...your instincts...your deeper feelings.  And once you've made your decisions - don't keep looking back over your shoulder.
 
I went to the David Gray concert in Asheville on Friday. That town knows how to have a concert. The last time I saw him (last year) was in Charleston and it was a very proper, restrained, polite audience.  Not in Asheville. The crowd was up and dancing from the first song, and we were all on our feet more than not. It was excellent.

Yesterday morning it was my distinct honor to have breakfast with someone who lives in the area who has been writing to me for several years. It's truly a pleasure to have the chance to meet my "friends" - people who feel they know me through my book or my blog or what they've seen online who have taken the time to write me.  I like to think that if you follow any of my writing or my speaking and eventually meet me in person I'm very much as I appear - for better or for worse.  Anyway, I very much appreciate him driving into town to spend an hour together, face to face.

My "gut" decision to keep home base in Charleston has helped to sort out a number of other things.  And although there continues to be no small amount of tumult in my world at the moment, it's manageable.  Especially when I get quiet moments to soak in the universe from the comfort of my little benches...


Monday

I was up at 4am this morning to drive to Raleigh for work.  4 1/2 hours is kind of a long commute and I'll admit that the first couple of hours were tough.  Thank God the sun came up when it did.  I was ready to curl up and go back to sleep.  

I've been thinking back over this weekend, and reflecting in general.  I remember a year when the Out and Equal Workplace Summit overlapped SCC.  I had to fly from Austin to Denver to give a Friday talk at O&E, then to fight rush hour traffic to get to the airport so I could fly to Atlanta.  I finally got into the hotel at midnight, I spoke there during lunch on Saturday, then on Sunday morning I was winging my way back to Austin.

I don't regret for a minute doing my "community service".  And there's a part of me that would have loved to have gone to SCC in Atlanta just to say 'hi' to a few dear friends who are typically there.  But the balance in my world has shifted from doing things I feel compelled or obligated to do, to doing things I either want to do, or reasonably can do.  My weekend of concert, driving, some relaxing time getting my hair done, a nice quiet Sunday breakfast, time on my bench watching the world spin, and delightful dinner with friends is exactly what the doctor ordered given everything else going on.

Speaking of SCC - one friend who was there estimated that there were 800 or more attendees.  That's fairly remarkable as the attendance has remained fairly stable over the years.  As other major events have come and gone, and as smaller regional events have gained in both visibility and reach, staying "relevant" isn't an easy thing to do.  The fact that SCC remains as an institution is testament to the leadership and the vision that goes into planning something like this.  I'm sure the planning for next year is already under way...

And, speaking of Out and Equal....the Workplace Summit is scheduled for Baltimore at the end of October.  They've got a couple of job openings on their website so if you're interested take a look....

Back to the "gut" thing for a moment.  I've learned to trust my gut.  It's not always right, but it's always true.  My gut has been telling me a number of things in recent weeks and, right or wrong, I'm comfortable following where it leads.  It seems as though many of us want a sign, or a "right" answer, or we seem afraid to be wrong.  All I can say is that if you can find and listen to your inner self, you're well on the way to being ok with the way things turn out.  Sometimes, just "ok" is just fine.

I'm going through a phase where I find it important to tell people I appreciate in my life that I do appreciate them.  I mentioned a couple in a recent blog entry - Karen from CO who calls me every Sunday, for example.  My electrologyst, Maria is another.  I can't imagine where I'd be in life if I hadn't met her.  She's one of a handfull of people I can honestly tell that I love them.  And I do.

One dear friend is always there with a kind word, or a positive thought.  I've never met anyone so positive in my life but I've learned to know when she's hiding something.  Another is Angie...I never want her to think I take her for granted because I truly do appreciate our friendship.

I've could keep going...but I think lately I'm feeling "Appreciate the People In Your Life" week more acutely than usual at the moment.  I think it's partly because of people who have really taken me in and helped me over recent weeks when I've needed it.  I'm so used to doing things on my own that accepting help can take a little getting used to.  And appreciating people that offer it...well, I just want them to know....

The Boundaries of Love

The transgender experience, or more specifically, the transsexual experience, makes good drama.  It's an intensely personal journey full of universal experiences that force people to question even some of their most basic notions about gender, about self, and about love.

A Canadian film titled "Laurence Anyways" recently won the Best Canadian Feature prize at the Toronto Film Fest.  It's about a couple in love, and what happens when on of them announces that he's going to transition (see story with clip here).  It's a very complicated dynamic, and needless to say there's no way to guess how any one of our experiences is going to play out.




I find that romantic/physically intimate relationships as a transperson is a damned if you do, damned if you don't proposition especially if that relationship starts at some point after a transition.  Questions about objectifying any of us AS trans when all we want is to be treated as a man or a woman are intertwined with many of our realities of not having been socialized as our authentic gender so there can be a level of intimacy awkwardness.  On the other hand, we can try to hide it, but that strategy is loaded with a number of significant (and potentially dangerous) pitfalls as well.

It's no secret that many transpeople end up with other transpeople.  There are a number of reasons for that.  But I also find it to be disturbing that there are transpeople who avoid those kinds of intimate relationships with other transpeople specifically BECAUSE they're trans.  It's an odd dynamic, but a very real one.

Personally, many of the transpeople I know are some of the most sensitive, caring, giving, loving, strong yet vulnerable, people you could ever imagine meeting so I'm not sure what qualities they wouldn't have that would make them worthy partners.  Still, that doesn't change my belief that the single most oppressive post-transition need for many of us is intimacy.

Anyway -  this movie looks interesting.  Movies dealing with trans themes are often fairly sensational and simplistic, but various aspects of the journey are well worth sharing with the world.  In this case, it looks like it was handled sensitively.

I've got a big weekend ahead of me.  There's a fork in the road where each path leads in a different direction and I'll get to that fork tomorrow.  Tonight I'll be in Asheville to see David Gray.  I've got a 5th row ticket. Tomorrow?  We'll see how things unfold...Decisions to be made, options to be considered, doors to open, and others to close.

Someone asked me if I had finished my thought thread the other night when I was writing an entry I titled "Friend of Faux".  The answer to that is "Kinda".  But there was more to write than I really wanted to at the time (I was tired) so I left it at that.

I've said before that I perceive relationships to be like tides, coming in and going out in some kind of natural process.  Sometimes the process seems to be helped along by specific incidents, moods, broader life events, and other "things" that tend to pull or push.  But sometimes they're close and sometimes - well, they're not.

I have one specific friend who calls me every single Sunday.  Without fail.  She's done it for year and although I can't always answer we only see one another every 3 or 4 years but she's reliable and dependable and she cares enough to not forget.

I have another friends who I can always count on.  No matter what.  She's dear, and sweet, and loves to laugh.  She sends me simple "Have a nice day" texts or "Good morning" or "The moon is beautiful tonight" notes which I may or may not respond to but the fact of the matter is that I know I can count on her.  Without fail.

I've had friends in my life who I've felt wanted something from me.  Whether or not the friendship grows into anything is more a function of balancing that out than whether I can actually deliver what they think they want from me.

And I've got friends who have stepped up when I've been at low points and have provided help at critical times.  Friends who can do that are special.  I'm blessed to have had several of those in my life.

With all these kinds of friends the question becomes - how long can it last?  Of course, most people seem to want it to last forever.  But it rarely does.

The key to all of this - in my opinion - is communications.  The deeper the communication the stronger the relationship.  Communication is a very personal intimacy but I'll rarely share deeper than I feel I'm being shared with in return.  I've got a defense reflex that just won't allow that.  Once we can talk about deeper topics...NOW we're making progress...

Anyway - that's why I didn't finish the thread the other night.  Too complicated and I'm certainly no expert.  All I know is the way it works in and for me.  Other than that....I'm just as lost as the next sucka....

Another thing I think I know - tonight I'll be sitting in Row E in Asheville enjoying David Gray.  The rest of life should be so simple....

Friend or Faux?

The Southern Comfort Conference happens in Atlanta this weekend.  I attended 7 or 8 of them in a row until last year.  I've met many dear friends there, including the person who has probably had the most significant impact on my life over the ten years since we first met there.  For those who are going - safe travels, and have fun.

Speaking of Atlanta - I recently got a copy of the CNN Dialogues event that I did in Atlanta last December.  It was a mixture of fun and serious topics, but I've uploaded a couple of brief segments to youtube...



Those kinds of things can be a challenge.  You never know what you're going to be asked, and putting answers into coherent but thoughtful responses involves some quick thinking.  I like to think I do ok with those situations, and I'm ok with how things went.

I'll remember several things about that event.  One is that it was a week before the US Open Wrestling tournament in Dallas so I was crashing weight.  Another is how the makeup artist airbrushed me - that was a first.  Another was the groupies following Olympic figure skater Johnny Wier and his fiancee...

Uploading it reminded me that I haven't done a video blog in a while.  I'll have to rectify that sometime over the next couple of weeks.

I saw an article on the news that caught my eye.   It's about a judge who refused to approve a transwoman's name change because he objected.  This is the kind of stuff that makes me crazy (story here).

I went to downtown Raleigh for the first time tonight.  There was a get together at a place downtown, so now I can finally say I've actually been to the city.  I ended up talking with someone about the nature of friendships, and the importance of choosing your friends wisely.

Death, and Life

I went to see Finding Nemo 3D last night.  It's still one of my favorite movies.  It stands up amazingly well even though it's ten years old....the way they captured the various textures of being under water still still astounds me.

When I'm here in Raleigh - I work.  I get up at 5, I'm at work by 7 and typically I don't leave until 7.  I've got an opportunity to meet some people for dinner tonight so I may force myself to get out but we'll see.  At the moment I'm 50/50 about it....not that I have anything better to do but just because....

Friday I'm headed to Asheville to see David Gray.  I saw him in Charleston last year and would go wherever was within driving range to see him.  Asheville is 250 miles from here so it's not an insignificant jaunt.  Regardless, I'm looking forward to it.  The combination of my enjoyment of concerts plus seeing artists I've enjoyed for years just makes these kinds of things special.  I close my eyes and float with it all sometimes....

Then?  Not sure yet.

When I got back to my hotel room I was switching through the channels and somehow ended up on something that was more than worthwhile.  It's something I doubt I'll ever forget.  It was on  the PBS show American Experience and was a documentary film titled "Death and the Civil War".

Watch Death and the Civil War Extended Promo on PBS. See more from American Experience.

It was fascinating, horrifying, and very revealing.  The entire episode is available online for those with a couple of hours on their hands (watch it here).  It's a couple of hours well spent....just watch the first few minutes if you get a chance.

There's a review of it from the NY Times yesterday, as well (read it here).   Seeing those photos, hearing from those letters, having the benefit of hindsight to consider what happened - I can't even begin to imagine the unspeakable horror of it all.

Living in the South now brings new meaning to things I haven't seen or considered before or learned in a different way.  The Civil War (or, the War of Northern Aggression as some there still call it) continues to be an integral part of identity.  As a main port of entry for many slaves and a flash point for secession - it played more than a minor role.  History is on every street.

I remember my senior year of high school in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and their interpretations of Americans and American History.  It was totally different than we had been taught in our American schools.  Right or wrong?  Who's to say.  But certainly seen through different eyes, from a different perspective.

That's one of the benefits of calling South Carolina home has become.  New insight.  New perspective.  There's a scene in the video about the mass burial of Union soldiers who died at a racetrack turned prison in downtown Charleston.  But more than anything, this show is about the efforts of everyday people to identify the dead and get them back to where they belonged for burial.

Needless to say, the effort was very much a Union effort and, in fact, is the basis of what has become Memorial Day.  The South didn't recognize any Holiday to celebrate the Union war dead so they came up with their own date.  But the efforts of people like Clara Barton and countless others to identify both Union AND Confederate casualties and bring their bodies back home from mass, unmarked graves in from places like Antietam and Gettysburg for burial in the south - without funding or government support - is fascinating, very sad, and amazing.

I'm not going to get into an argument about the Civil War.  The last time I brought up the Civil War here some were looking to fight about it.  Still.  Or again.  I'm not gonna do that.  As far as I'm concerned it's all part of our collective American Heritage and in that context it's worth knowing.

I've never said this here before - but I believe in past lives.  I don't really care to get into specifics because it's not relevant.  What I do know is that I have a memory - whether it's from a dream or from some other place - of lying in a quiet woods on an a warm day, surrounded by tall skinny trees, on a blanket of leaves, all alone, looking up through the trees to the sky, and dying.  Regardless of the reality of that experience or not - watching this show reminded me of that.

Life is fragile.  That's why it begs to be lived.

Significant

I did something significant today.  I got a new driver's license.

That in and of itself may not be significant.  What's significant is that despite all the places I've worked and lived over the past dozen years I've only had driver's licenses from three states:  Arizona, Texas, and South Carolina.

When I finally allowed myself to give up my Arizona identity (that is, I turned in my Arizona driver's license for an SC one) last summer it was a big deal.  That was significant too.  Even though it's just a piece of plastic that says it's legal for me to drive my car, the state on it is a big deal to me.  It's an identity. More than that, it's an identity I can (and will) choose.

Given that I'm currently working in Raleigh, and the closest thing to a residence at the moment is a hotel room here, that begs the question about which state my new Driver's License is from.  It's from South Carolina.

Why I needed a new driver's license is actually irrelevant for the purposes of this discussion.  Over the past few weeks I've come to terms with the fact that my SC identity isn't something as transient as a job, nor is it something I'm willing to shed again, at least not in the short-term. I never say never, but the key element in all of this is time.

Some may feel that whatever state happens to be on their driver's license is unimportant.  I appreciate that, but I am not one of those people.   I see people become "stranded" in life in any number of contexts for any number of reasons, but I have made and continue to make decisions to avoid that.

So today I re-affirmed that - I went to the DMV, I turned in my original SC driver's license, I got my picture taken, and now I've got my new one.  There will be a Palmetto tree on my license plate for the foreseeable future, and I couldn't be happier about that.  It actually feels like a burden has been lifted.

It's more than simply symbolic (although, I suppose, there is some significant symbolism involved).  Again - I don't feel compelled to share specifics right now.  But for me - I know where center is right now.  The key is staying there.

It was truly a good weekend.  I drove to Charleston Friday (it takes 4 1/2 hrs each way, so it's not trivial).  I turned in my fancy rental car for my repaired truck, I enjoyed a little of Restaurant Week, and I even had the chance to do a load of laundry.

I spent all of Saturday at a class....I mean ALL day.  Got there at 6:45 in the morning, and didn't leave until 5:15. at night. 

I had the chance to see some friends, to spend some quality time with one particular friend who I've been missing and needing to see, and to visit with a friend I haven't spoken with in a while.  I did a little shopping, I ate and drank more than I should, I didn't get to the gym, and I didn't get enough sleep.  The weather was great, it's nice to have my truck back, it was nice to be "home", I watched an hour of football, and for some reason despite everything crazy that's happening in my world right now I'm calm (at least for the moment).  All in all - a wonderful weekend.

I will admit that my driver's license photo this morning came out better than I hoped (I liked the previous one, but this one is better). I've got pep in my step. All things considered....no major complaints other than some logistical nightmares ahead.  Still, I seem to face them on a regular basis and they always work themselves out.

Gas....I paid $3.45 in Charleston yesterday.  I paid $3.54 just south of the SC/NC border.  Because as soon as you cross into NC - it's $3.85.  Crazy, but true.  I have no idea what taxes they add to it here but I've already learned to fill up as much as I can in South Carolina.

Butt....I mentioned that I haven't been to the gym in a while, but one of the things that happens when I gain a little weight is that I can feel it in my butt.  I actually like that....because when I start dropping weight the first two places that seem to get skinny are my butt and my face.  I'm about to start running here again shortly, but I'm hoping to keep some butt.  It makes a difference.

Money....well, not real money.  But...

I got a note from the Austin Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce (AGLCC).  It says in part:

"The AGLCC is printing “gay money” to make our Pride booth more fun and interactive.  Through public nominations and our board selections, we will be honoring you as one of the 6 people to be on one of the $3 bills!  You will be listed as the “First Transgender Leader at HRC” on the money"

Needless to say, I consider this to be a tremendous honor.  Lord knows what picture they're putting on it.  Maybe I should forward a copy of my new driver's license photo.  :)

 

Stamina

Last night was kinda atypical for me.

I spoke all day in Washington DC, caught the Metro back to Vienna, and hit the road to head back to Raleigh by 6:30.  I could probably have  by midnight, but after a very full day (actually, a very full week), dealing with the end of DC rush hour traffic on I95 headed south, and the need for a good night sleep I fought my general inclination push all the way through and spent the night in Roanoke Rapids.

I finished the drive this morning - it's absolutely beautiful weather here right now and I watched the sun coming up as I hopped back onto I-95 for the rest of the drive.  All in all, a good plan.

Funny story:  I was adjusting my rear view mirror to "night mode" last night (in the rental car) and accidentally pushed a button that apparently called OnStar.  I started pushing other buttons hoping to hang up quickly, which I managed to do.  But 5 minutes later this voice just started talking to me asking the nature of my emergency.   I explained my mistake - I wonder how many of those kinds of things they get.

I may have mentioned that I was in DC to do a training for one of the government agencies to support an employee who is transitioning there.  I've done a half-dozen or more of these in DC and they generally go very well.  Often the people who plan these events work for the EEO office, or for HR in some significant capacity, and become very invested in the outcomes.

Thanks to everyone at NLRB who made yesterday's sessions a success.  We had 3 2-hr sessions - the first one for managers and supervisors was mandatory.  The "buzz" from the first session helped to fill the room for both afternoon sessions.  Talking all day like that is more tiring than you realize sometimes, but you often don't realize it until the adrenaline of the "moment" wears off.  For me, that was around 9pm.

Speaking of energy, I'll share a couple of sentences from the email I received from the person at the agency who helped arrange it all:

I have received so many comments from people across the agency telling me that they have never attended anything at work as impressive and meaningful as your presentation.  Your openness, honesty, vulnerability and humor were incomparable.  Moreover, your stamina is equally remarkable.

Stamina just comes with the territory I suppose.

And....speaking of telling stories.....

I've done a good job of staying out of "trans issues" here for a while.  That's not by accident.  There was a time when this blog was at least half dedicated to that, but the blog has changed as my own life balance has changed.

However, there's something today that I feel compelled to comment on.  It's a segment from Anderson Cooper's talk show.  More specifically, it's NCTE's reaction to it that I find comment-worthy.  (Details here)

In a statement from NCTE:

“In the past, Anderson Cooper and his team have earned a great deal of respect from trans people for their coverage of our issues. Tomorrow, they’ll throw all of that away. Worst of all, they seem set on misinforming the public about the causality of trans identity.”

I totally disagree with both those sentences.

First, if anyone accepts that the trans community is a community of communities, then how can there be such a thing as a singular "trans identity", much less a cause for it?  As distasteful as this particular guest may be, or as confused as the way they approach their supposed trans-ness seems - nobody gets to manage the media or the stories it chooses to tell.  Responsible media is a myth.

What's the difference between saying that taking a baldness med caused it, or a bee sting, or anything for that matter?  That's not the point.  And as misguided as this individual may or may not be an organization that distributed stickers after ENDA saying "Am I too freakin' trans for you?" can't go around saying someone is too freakin' trans.  An organization that focuses on the importance of "telling your story" can't then cherry-pick stories that it may not want told.  You can't have it both ways.

Secondly, the fact that Anderson Cooper is airing this show this does NOT undo all the positive work they've done.  It's just plain wrong to believe, or to even say, that.  Mara and NCTE (and any of us, for that matter) can express their collective disappointment, but saying this this this way is an opinion I, for one, don't share.

Lastly - the fact that NCTE is complaining about it that way is giving it way more visibility than it deserves.  It could have been an opportunity to tell BETTER stories but now...well.....I'm just saying...

As for me - well, tomorrow I head back to Charleston after a morning full of meetings to turn in my car and pick up my truck.  I may have a training class all day on Saturday.  I hope to spend a little "me" time (maybe at the ocean on Sunday?) before driving back to Raleigh late Sunday.  Then Monday...another week begins.

Quick Trip

I'm in Washington DC for the day.  It's a quick trip, but it involves a couple of long days.

I drove up here from Raleigh after work yesterday.  I've driven all over this country and there's something about driving within a 50 mile radius of DC that I find particularly and uniquely draining. I got into town by 10, was in bed by 11:30, was up at 5am to dress and get myself to the Metro, and here I sit chillin' before the day really gets going.

There was a time when I envisioned that I'd live here, or work here.  Now I can't imagine that in my wildest dreams.  There are a number of places where I will live, but a much longer list of places that I won't.  That's not to say its a bad place - its just that the pace of things here isn't my cup of tea.  Anyway, it's a beautiful day here but if all goes well I'll be sitting at my desk in Raleigh at this time tomorrow.

I'm staying with a friend here and we spent some time last night talking about how I've retreated from so much of the advocacy work that was a significant portion of my life for a little while. Chapters of like come and go and for the most part that work is being done by people who are likely much more qualified than I was.  It's nice to look back at the people and the things that filled my life those days but in most ways that count I'm off on other adventures right now.

I registered a number of domains yesterday as part of a "Domain Name Sale". One of the domains I claimed is Donnanator.com. I'm not sure what, if anything, I'll do with it.  But its kinda fun to have.

I talk with someone in Raliegh who I've only met in person once but who lifts my spirits when we talk.  She's got a good energy about her, and she seems to know when I need to hear a friendly voice. I doubt she'll ever know that I appreciate her as much as I do just because....  Katriana rocks.

Anyway...I need to get the next phase of the day going so I'll keep this short.  Onwards...