I saw an article today that President Obama indicates that he does not support a boycott of the upcoming 2014 Winter Olympics in Russia due to recent diplomatic and policy tensions (story here). I'm glad, as I feel similarly.
I remember when we boycotted the Olympics in 1980. You know who paid the dearest price for that misguided move? The athletes. I feel very strongly that athletic events should not become pawns for those looking to make political statements. I also strongly believe that there will be a significant outpouring of support for LGBT athletes between now and then, and especially during the games themselves.
Some on Facebook seem disappointed by this, as though it were some sort of betrayal. One comment was "He's not getting it". I disagree. I think this is wise, and I think he is getting it just fine. As I ty
I'm a homebody for a second weekend in a row. Sheesh. I've got a long list of things to do and hope this weekend is as productive as last. Of course, some of the things on my list aren't "work". Like going to see Elysium, going to the gym, and a bbq with one of the
Lunch today was a grilled, stuffed burrito from Taco Bell. It was actually fairly yummy. I like all the various ingredients - meat, seasoned rice, beans, sour cream, guacamole - but often time I've found that the end result is not as good as you'd think compared with the individual parts. Anyway - not good for the high protein thing I'm doing. But, it was good good good....and filling. I went to the gym after work to pay my penance.
As I type this preseason football is on in the background. My patio door is open, and it's a very pleasant evening outside. This is a good time of year. I'm glad it's the weekend.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Going Back
I've seen a number of people commenting lately on the recent public "de-transition" of Don Ennis, the ABC Producer who made news less than 6 months ago by showing up at work as a woman and announcing that he was going to transition (de-transition story here).
It'd be easy for me to say that, in this instance, the whole transition "process" worked. It's one thing to think you know what kind of life you want to live, or that you feel you were destined to live, and a whole other thing to actually face the day-to-day realities of doing it. As far as I'm concerned, that's the whole purpose of transition....to separate that fantasy from reality. So those who "de-transition" are simply learning that and doing something about it. Again - as far as I'm concerned there's nothing wrong with that. Regardless of the quote-unquote "bad press" that this kind of thing invites that's why it's a difficult process.
That said - if this is even partially true then Don Ennis was a nut the first day he showed up at work dressed as a woman. From May 8:
For anyone with any level of sanity or respect - you just don't do that. You just don't show up one day at work dressed as a woman, say a few flowery things, and think that's in any way good for anyone - including you. Every time I've seen that in the past it's because of external events (like threats of outing) or some other immediate emergency. But in this case - no. I said at the time that this was wrong and I'm not surprised that things unfolded this way.
Reality vs. Fantasy. It can be a difficult thing to have to learn.
When Christine Daniels announce that she was planning to de-transition in 2008 I wrote about it for Bilerico (read it here). My thoughts on it haven't changed. I truly felt for her. I have to say I am not similarly empathetic in this particular situation.
I'll be headed to do a corporate training next week to support someone transitioning at work. There is a whole team dedicated to ensuring that it goes well, and I have no doubt that it will. There are countless ways of doing this right, since there is not one-size-fits-all answer for everyone. But, just showing up one day and surprising people by claiming you're a woman isn't one of them.
Anyway - there have been several interesting "de-transitions" lately. More than one of them have been people I've known, and still like and respect. The transition or de-transition plays no part in that. But anyone surprised at what has happened here is naive. I'm only surprised it didn't happen sooner.
I'd argue, and I'm fairly confident I'm right, that a not insignificant number of people who do transition would make other decisions if given the opportunity to go back. Whether because of relationships, or career, or other components - life is not what they had envisioned. It can be a difficult life. But, there is no going back.
On to other, less weighty, topics....
One of the things I'm pleasantly surprised about this area is all the music that comes thru here. Over the last couple of weeks we had Daughtry, Darius Rucker, Steely Dan, Pat Benetar, and a bunch of others. Over the coming days and weeks we'll have the Doobie Brothers, Peter Frampton, Train, Chicago, etc. etc. I'd love to go to some of these, but typically use my limited "discretionary income" to travel back home. I explained in a recent post that I've got quite a bit of travel on my horizon.
That won't stop me from going to see Elysium in IMAX 3D this weekend. I've been looking forward to it since I first saw the trailer months ago. Some may be tired of these futuristic, post-apocalypse movies. But I enjoy them when they're well done. I enjoyed Oblivion when I first saw it (just bought the DVD this week) and this looks to be equally as stunning.
As far as I'm concerned, these are the kinds of movies where the sensual onslaught that IMAX 3D provides is worth the extra $$$.
It'd be easy for me to say that, in this instance, the whole transition "process" worked. It's one thing to think you know what kind of life you want to live, or that you feel you were destined to live, and a whole other thing to actually face the day-to-day realities of doing it. As far as I'm concerned, that's the whole purpose of transition....to separate that fantasy from reality. So those who "de-transition" are simply learning that and doing something about it. Again - as far as I'm concerned there's nothing wrong with that. Regardless of the quote-unquote "bad press" that this kind of thing invites that's why it's a difficult process.
That said - if this is even partially true then Don Ennis was a nut the first day he showed up at work dressed as a woman. From May 8:
"A producer at a top news channel has announced that he is now a she. Dawn Stacey Ennis, formerly known as Don, surprised her colleagues at ABC News head quarters in Manhattan when she arrived in brown locks and a dress to declare her new identity."Read more here.
For anyone with any level of sanity or respect - you just don't do that. You just don't show up one day at work dressed as a woman, say a few flowery things, and think that's in any way good for anyone - including you. Every time I've seen that in the past it's because of external events (like threats of outing) or some other immediate emergency. But in this case - no. I said at the time that this was wrong and I'm not surprised that things unfolded this way.
Reality vs. Fantasy. It can be a difficult thing to have to learn.
When Christine Daniels announce that she was planning to de-transition in 2008 I wrote about it for Bilerico (read it here). My thoughts on it haven't changed. I truly felt for her. I have to say I am not similarly empathetic in this particular situation.
I'll be headed to do a corporate training next week to support someone transitioning at work. There is a whole team dedicated to ensuring that it goes well, and I have no doubt that it will. There are countless ways of doing this right, since there is not one-size-fits-all answer for everyone. But, just showing up one day and surprising people by claiming you're a woman isn't one of them.
Anyway - there have been several interesting "de-transitions" lately. More than one of them have been people I've known, and still like and respect. The transition or de-transition plays no part in that. But anyone surprised at what has happened here is naive. I'm only surprised it didn't happen sooner.
I'd argue, and I'm fairly confident I'm right, that a not insignificant number of people who do transition would make other decisions if given the opportunity to go back. Whether because of relationships, or career, or other components - life is not what they had envisioned. It can be a difficult life. But, there is no going back.
On to other, less weighty, topics....
One of the things I'm pleasantly surprised about this area is all the music that comes thru here. Over the last couple of weeks we had Daughtry, Darius Rucker, Steely Dan, Pat Benetar, and a bunch of others. Over the coming days and weeks we'll have the Doobie Brothers, Peter Frampton, Train, Chicago, etc. etc. I'd love to go to some of these, but typically use my limited "discretionary income" to travel back home. I explained in a recent post that I've got quite a bit of travel on my horizon.
That won't stop me from going to see Elysium in IMAX 3D this weekend. I've been looking forward to it since I first saw the trailer months ago. Some may be tired of these futuristic, post-apocalypse movies. But I enjoy them when they're well done. I enjoyed Oblivion when I first saw it (just bought the DVD this week) and this looks to be equally as stunning.
As far as I'm concerned, these are the kinds of movies where the sensual onslaught that IMAX 3D provides is worth the extra $$$.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Pleasant Surprise
I had a couple of pleasant surprises today.
I wore a bluish blouse to work. I realize that's not big news....it was actually brighter out in the sunlight than I anticipated. But one of my co-workers surprised me when he said it made the blue in my eyes "pop" (his word). That was very nice.
I went to the gym - not once, but twice. My favorite time to work out is during lunch, or early afternoon. That's often problematic. First, I often have meetings scheduled that infringe on the quote-unquote "lunch hour" so I can't get away. Second, and no less limiting, is the fact that going to the gym during lunch can involve re-doing hair and face. As a result, the process of getting there, changing, cleaning afterwards, getting ready to go back to work, actually getting back, then cooling down can take an hour all by itself so it's just not worth it.
Anyway - the pleasant surprise in all of this happened when I weighed myself. To my surprise I'm within a half dozen pounds of the consistent weight that I maintained during my entire transition. I actually had no idea how much I weighed - it's been months and months since I've been on a scale. But as life goes on and years pass it can become easy to let things go little by little.
A couple of posts ago I talked about dilating and someone wrote a comment saying that paying for this particular new body part and not using is was like having a Porsche and keeping in the garage. Well, that's how I feel about my body. It took me a long time to build it into a comfortable house for my soul, and it involves ongoing "housekeeping". For me, it doesn't just happen.
Admittedly, watching my dad fade away from diabetes had a significant impact. He died when he was 8 years older than I am now. But my goal is admittedly to leave this world in as healthy a body as I can. That process is ongoing. Dark - perhaps. But honest.
A dear friend of mine, who's my age, called me last week to say that she was having quadruple bypass surgery to fix a significant blockage. She had the surgery today, and from the status updates I've heard so far indicate she's doing well. Thank God. I've been thinking of her all day.
One of my favorite shows each week is CBS Sunday Morning. It has a "pace" that appeals to me, and the stories are always fascinating and relevant in some way. This past weekend they had a profile of Carol Burnett. Watching the clips of her variety show was like opening a time capsule - I so remember watching it on Saturday nights as a teen.
One of the projects I got to work on for my college degree at Syracuse (in Radio, Television, Film production) was as a production assistant on the Phil Donahue Show. On one of the episodes, she was a guest. After taping was over I went onto the set and took the plastic cup she had been using home to show my fiancee - it had a ring from her lipstick on it. She was unimpressed, and threw it out.
Over the years I've asked myself "whatever happened to Carol Burnett?" - she seemed to disappear after her daughter died a couple of decades ago. But she's still as funny and full of life as ever. It was - well - a pleasant surprise.
I've had a couple of unpleasant surprises recently, too, so it's not like life is ALL rosy. But I think the key is to appreciate the pleasant surprises and not dwell on the rest.
I wore a bluish blouse to work. I realize that's not big news....it was actually brighter out in the sunlight than I anticipated. But one of my co-workers surprised me when he said it made the blue in my eyes "pop" (his word). That was very nice.
I went to the gym - not once, but twice. My favorite time to work out is during lunch, or early afternoon. That's often problematic. First, I often have meetings scheduled that infringe on the quote-unquote "lunch hour" so I can't get away. Second, and no less limiting, is the fact that going to the gym during lunch can involve re-doing hair and face. As a result, the process of getting there, changing, cleaning afterwards, getting ready to go back to work, actually getting back, then cooling down can take an hour all by itself so it's just not worth it.
Anyway - the pleasant surprise in all of this happened when I weighed myself. To my surprise I'm within a half dozen pounds of the consistent weight that I maintained during my entire transition. I actually had no idea how much I weighed - it's been months and months since I've been on a scale. But as life goes on and years pass it can become easy to let things go little by little.
A couple of posts ago I talked about dilating and someone wrote a comment saying that paying for this particular new body part and not using is was like having a Porsche and keeping in the garage. Well, that's how I feel about my body. It took me a long time to build it into a comfortable house for my soul, and it involves ongoing "housekeeping". For me, it doesn't just happen.
Admittedly, watching my dad fade away from diabetes had a significant impact. He died when he was 8 years older than I am now. But my goal is admittedly to leave this world in as healthy a body as I can. That process is ongoing. Dark - perhaps. But honest.
A dear friend of mine, who's my age, called me last week to say that she was having quadruple bypass surgery to fix a significant blockage. She had the surgery today, and from the status updates I've heard so far indicate she's doing well. Thank God. I've been thinking of her all day.
One of my favorite shows each week is CBS Sunday Morning. It has a "pace" that appeals to me, and the stories are always fascinating and relevant in some way. This past weekend they had a profile of Carol Burnett. Watching the clips of her variety show was like opening a time capsule - I so remember watching it on Saturday nights as a teen.
One of the projects I got to work on for my college degree at Syracuse (in Radio, Television, Film production) was as a production assistant on the Phil Donahue Show. On one of the episodes, she was a guest. After taping was over I went onto the set and took the plastic cup she had been using home to show my fiancee - it had a ring from her lipstick on it. She was unimpressed, and threw it out.
Over the years I've asked myself "whatever happened to Carol Burnett?" - she seemed to disappear after her daughter died a couple of decades ago. But she's still as funny and full of life as ever. It was - well - a pleasant surprise.
I've had a couple of unpleasant surprises recently, too, so it's not like life is ALL rosy. But I think the key is to appreciate the pleasant surprises and not dwell on the rest.
Lastly...
A friend invited me over dinner last night with her spouse and some of their friends. I had a very nice time. As I pulled up into their driveway in the early evening the flowers along their driveway were almost glowing in the unique late-day light. I took a photo with my iPhone (click on the photo for a larger version). I like it so much I may print it and frame it - I've got nothing on my walls and this would be a nice addition. A simple scene from everyday life...but I think that's one of the reasons I like it.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Elementary
An astute passage from the uncommonly astute tv show Elementary:
Holmes: It has it's costs.
Watson: What does?
Holmes: Learning to see the puzzle in everything. They're everywhere, and once you start looking....it's impossible to stop. It just so happens that people, with all the deceits and illusions that enform everything they do, tend to be the most fascinating puzzles of all. Of course, they don't always appreciate being seen as such.
Watson: It seems like a long way to live.
Holmes: As I said....it has its costs.
It's 4:54 am....I woke and can't get back to sleep so I'm watching things I've got on my DVR. That's one great little invention...the DVR. I remember being a kid when my dad got a VCR from the university to record his movies (Frankenstein, Dracula, and such). Several years ago a friend said that his DVR was the most transformative invention in his recent life. I really won't go that far, but it's cool.
I recently started a high protein/low carb diet. I've done this before. Unfortunately, I know from experience that the beginning of withdrawal from carbs involves headaches (yesterday), gastro-intestinal "cleansing" (sorry for the overshare), and difficulty sleeping (that's why I'm watching TV at 4 in the morning instead of in bed). The significant physical affects make me think that carbs are almost like an addicting drug, and these are symptoms of withdrawal. Regardless...been here before.
I've also already had breakfast (a scrambled egg, sausage, and coffee....can't go without the coffee), packed my gym bag for later today, and finished reading yesterday's paper. All that, and I don't need to be at work for another couple of hours...
Another passage from Elementary...Holmes was in line to order a coffee at a Starbucks.
Barista (serving an order): Tall half skinny half two percent extra hot latte with whip.
Holmes: These coffee orders.....the Magna Carta was less complicated.
Even at this hour my sense of humor is perky.
Anyway, back to the diet. Some people eat when they're depressed. I eat when I'm content. I'm often content, and I truly enjoy food. So, I typically workout to balance it. Lately I've been too busy to workout regularly. Ergo - my current protein regimen (plus the fact that I like most things protein - except tofu), and my increased effort to get back into the gym.
It's almost...well... Elementary.
Time to go and start the day. My second show is almost over so it's time to slowly start the week. Onwards!
Holmes: It has it's costs.
Watson: What does?
Holmes: Learning to see the puzzle in everything. They're everywhere, and once you start looking....it's impossible to stop. It just so happens that people, with all the deceits and illusions that enform everything they do, tend to be the most fascinating puzzles of all. Of course, they don't always appreciate being seen as such.
Watson: It seems like a long way to live.
Holmes: As I said....it has its costs.
It's 4:54 am....I woke and can't get back to sleep so I'm watching things I've got on my DVR. That's one great little invention...the DVR. I remember being a kid when my dad got a VCR from the university to record his movies (Frankenstein, Dracula, and such). Several years ago a friend said that his DVR was the most transformative invention in his recent life. I really won't go that far, but it's cool.
I recently started a high protein/low carb diet. I've done this before. Unfortunately, I know from experience that the beginning of withdrawal from carbs involves headaches (yesterday), gastro-intestinal "cleansing" (sorry for the overshare), and difficulty sleeping (that's why I'm watching TV at 4 in the morning instead of in bed). The significant physical affects make me think that carbs are almost like an addicting drug, and these are symptoms of withdrawal. Regardless...been here before.
I've also already had breakfast (a scrambled egg, sausage, and coffee....can't go without the coffee), packed my gym bag for later today, and finished reading yesterday's paper. All that, and I don't need to be at work for another couple of hours...
Another passage from Elementary...Holmes was in line to order a coffee at a Starbucks.
Barista (serving an order): Tall half skinny half two percent extra hot latte with whip.
Holmes: These coffee orders.....the Magna Carta was less complicated.
Even at this hour my sense of humor is perky.
Anyway, back to the diet. Some people eat when they're depressed. I eat when I'm content. I'm often content, and I truly enjoy food. So, I typically workout to balance it. Lately I've been too busy to workout regularly. Ergo - my current protein regimen (plus the fact that I like most things protein - except tofu), and my increased effort to get back into the gym.
It's almost...well... Elementary.
Time to go and start the day. My second show is almost over so it's time to slowly start the week. Onwards!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Lifestyle
I laugh when people refer to transgender or transsexual lives as a "lifestyle". Perhaps for some, although I'm not sure what that would look like. I know many, many of us and most are living the same day-to-day lives and looking for the same sense of deep inner happiness that most others are.
This was one of those weekends when I accomplished EVERYTHING that was on my list headed into it. I washed my truck, and gave her some good loving (on the outside....still need to do the inside). I cleaned my bathroom. I washed my floors. I sent some emails that needed sending. I went the the fitness center.....twice. I did a shopping. I went to Costco. I made myself a nice dinner last night. I took some clothes to the dry cleaners. All things considered it has been very productive.
Funny thing - as far as I know I know I know 4 people here outside work. Some places where I've lived I knew lots of people....especially pre-transition. As I mentioned a couple of posts ago there is a certain level of isolation (and I don't mean that in a bad way....it might not even be the right word) that comes with not wanting to have to explain things over and over again.
The reason I mention that is that I was at Costco yesterday I was approached by someone who recognized me. She had a friend there who knew me from my website, too. I'm glad that I look enough like the pictures I've share so that people can recognize me out in the world. Anyway, it was nice to meet them and I hope we have a chance to go out for dinner one of these nights - always good to connect with friends.
I watched something on Palladia this morning - a Storyteller episode featuring Nora Jones. The thing I noticed about her (other than her musical talent, her voice, and her perfectly sculpted face) was how her shorter hair really looks wonderful. I went through a several-year-long shorter hair period (some of the photos are on my website). But these days I want to be able to put my hair into a pony tail so it's a bit longer. I'm just glad I still have my own hair.
I was so impressed I took a photo of the TV screen...
Love it.
So tonight, my "lifestyle" includes a glass of red wine, some chicken, some sweet corn, and a little football. If that's a lifestyle - count me in.
This was one of those weekends when I accomplished EVERYTHING that was on my list headed into it. I washed my truck, and gave her some good loving (on the outside....still need to do the inside). I cleaned my bathroom. I washed my floors. I sent some emails that needed sending. I went the the fitness center.....twice. I did a shopping. I went to Costco. I made myself a nice dinner last night. I took some clothes to the dry cleaners. All things considered it has been very productive.
Funny thing - as far as I know I know I know 4 people here outside work. Some places where I've lived I knew lots of people....especially pre-transition. As I mentioned a couple of posts ago there is a certain level of isolation (and I don't mean that in a bad way....it might not even be the right word) that comes with not wanting to have to explain things over and over again.
The reason I mention that is that I was at Costco yesterday I was approached by someone who recognized me. She had a friend there who knew me from my website, too. I'm glad that I look enough like the pictures I've share so that people can recognize me out in the world. Anyway, it was nice to meet them and I hope we have a chance to go out for dinner one of these nights - always good to connect with friends.
I watched something on Palladia this morning - a Storyteller episode featuring Nora Jones. The thing I noticed about her (other than her musical talent, her voice, and her perfectly sculpted face) was how her shorter hair really looks wonderful. I went through a several-year-long shorter hair period (some of the photos are on my website). But these days I want to be able to put my hair into a pony tail so it's a bit longer. I'm just glad I still have my own hair.
I was so impressed I took a photo of the TV screen...
Love it.
So tonight, my "lifestyle" includes a glass of red wine, some chicken, some sweet corn, and a little football. If that's a lifestyle - count me in.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Dilating
I haven't written a post like this one in a while. But part of the problem is that if nobody talks some of this stuff publicly it nobody realizes that they're not the only one....
The topic today is "Dilating". It means different things to different people, but to transwomen it has a very specific definition. It's something that begins within minutes of your surgeon unpacking your newly-created body-part a week or so after vaginoplasty. For the first several weeks afterwards it consumes your life. And then.....well....that's what this post is about.
I remember the first time. My surgeon was Dr. Eugene Schrang in Neenah, WI. My SRS date was August 10, 2000....13 years ago next week. Some parts of my SRS experienced are forever burned into my memory. Like the "prep" the evening before, being wheeled into the OR before surgery, and...my first dilation.
After surgery there is a timeline of what happens when. One of the most significant was the unveiling - the "Ta-da" moment on Day 5 post-op when Dr. Schrang himself took off the outer bandages that had been in place since surgery and sat down between my spread legs. Until that moment, I hadn't seen what was under all the dressing that had been down there. The amazing reality is that what had been there for the first 40 years of my life was...well...it was gone.
In it's place was a new body part - one I had dreamed about, wondered about, and never dared to imagine would become a reality for me. I had convinced myself at that point that the surgery was no big deal. I had lived for a full year as Donna and didn't want to dwell on the possibility that a body part could define a person. But SRS was far more profound than I ever imagined in more ways than I can explain.
I digress....back to the unpacking. Dr. Schrang began pulling out what felt like a mile of gauze that had been inside me. It was crazy. When he finally finished he introduced me to my new best and most intimate friends....5 straight white missile-shaped dilators with girths ranging from a half-inch or so to well over an inch. Each one had a number.
Without stopping he grabbed the middle sized dilator (#3), put some lube in it, and started to slowly but steadily pushed it deep into me. When I first saw it I thought he was going to split me in half, and that it would be excruciating, but it wasn't. It was good. As he pushed he explained what was happening, as this was something I'd need to do myself 5 times a day to start.
It was amazing. It was a sensation I had never felt before. He only left it in for a couple of minutes before slowly pulling it out (another new sensation) and leaving we with care instructions for my new body part. I followed his instructions to the letter.
The first weeks after SRS could be divided into 4 parts. Preparing to dilate, dilating, cleaning up from dilating, and sleeping. In the years since I've known people who set their alarms to get up in the middle of the night to dilate - I didn't do that. But in order to maintain depth and width as things heal it's very important to follow a disciplined regimen. I did.
There were interesting fluids coming out for quite a while. At the beginning, there were definitely signs of blood. As time went on it became pink, and the slow but steady flow eventually became a trickle became spotty over a number of weeks...and then stopped. Thank God for panty liners.
I'm a goal oriented person, so my goal was to get to the point where I could dilate with the 5th, and largest, dilator. At the beginning I had a hard time getting #3 back in....when Dr. Schrang did it things were still stretched out so it went in pretty easily. Not so when I did it. But slowly, over weeks of constant attempts, I got there.
As I moved up in size it hurt. I popped a couple of stitches in my perineal tissue along the way. The hardest part was getting past that curve of the pelvic bone. When I first started it would get raw and sore there. Eventually, I got a set of curved dilators with rounded tips that made it less uncomfortable. Some would think that it would be a pleasant sensation. It wasn't. It just needed to be done.
I had it down to a science....an ironing board next to my bed with a small dish of mineral oil (Dr. Schrang recommended it since it wouldn't cause a suction when pulling the dilator out), some KY, a washcloth and some paper towels, and my 5 white dilators in a row by ascending size. And a phone....I usually passed the time with a dilator in one hand and a phone in the other.
Fast forward a year. Life goes one, and dilating changes from something that consumes your days to something you do once a week or so depending on circumstances. The goal is to keep it open, and I certainly can't speak for anyone but me but dilating sometimes became an afterthought. I wasn't all that interested in guys so the need to keep it "ready" really wasn't a motivator.
Fast forward another year, or two, or three. Dilating became sporadic. I lost depth, and width. And I grew to hate those hard, white, cold things. So, it got to a point where I could count the number of times I'd dilate in any calendar year on two hands.
When I lived in Scottsdale and was working with Dr. Meltzer's patients we had discussions about this. Linda, his office manager, had found some soft, rubber (or silicone) dilators (see link). I started with a couple of them, and they were much more appropriate for me at that stage of my life.
Today - I still dilate. I did it this morning. It's better now than it was a year or two ago. Sometimes, it's actually even pleasant (to be discussed in some future entry to be titled "Orgasms"). I haven't used those straight, white dilators for many years, or their curved clear counterparts. They're in a shoebox back home.
Today I use the latex ones that Dr. Meltzer's office recommended. That's all I've got here, and I do it every couple of weeks. I'm nowhere near fitting the largest couple of sizes in the set, but that's not my goal anymore. Much of the depth I've lost is irretrievable. That's ok, too, since it's done. It all fits into my world.
This story is not unique. I know I'm not alone, and that many post-op women who rarely, if ever, dilate. There are many reasons, but I'd suggest that it's much more common than not. Of course, it depends on what you use it for. For me, though, it became a matter of time, convenience, comfort, and need. As I approach my 13th RebirthDay....I've got that balance in all the above.
Now - out to enjoy my Saturday. :)
The topic today is "Dilating". It means different things to different people, but to transwomen it has a very specific definition. It's something that begins within minutes of your surgeon unpacking your newly-created body-part a week or so after vaginoplasty. For the first several weeks afterwards it consumes your life. And then.....well....that's what this post is about.
I remember the first time. My surgeon was Dr. Eugene Schrang in Neenah, WI. My SRS date was August 10, 2000....13 years ago next week. Some parts of my SRS experienced are forever burned into my memory. Like the "prep" the evening before, being wheeled into the OR before surgery, and...my first dilation.
After surgery there is a timeline of what happens when. One of the most significant was the unveiling - the "Ta-da" moment on Day 5 post-op when Dr. Schrang himself took off the outer bandages that had been in place since surgery and sat down between my spread legs. Until that moment, I hadn't seen what was under all the dressing that had been down there. The amazing reality is that what had been there for the first 40 years of my life was...well...it was gone.
In it's place was a new body part - one I had dreamed about, wondered about, and never dared to imagine would become a reality for me. I had convinced myself at that point that the surgery was no big deal. I had lived for a full year as Donna and didn't want to dwell on the possibility that a body part could define a person. But SRS was far more profound than I ever imagined in more ways than I can explain.
I digress....back to the unpacking. Dr. Schrang began pulling out what felt like a mile of gauze that had been inside me. It was crazy. When he finally finished he introduced me to my new best and most intimate friends....5 straight white missile-shaped dilators with girths ranging from a half-inch or so to well over an inch. Each one had a number.
Without stopping he grabbed the middle sized dilator (#3), put some lube in it, and started to slowly but steadily pushed it deep into me. When I first saw it I thought he was going to split me in half, and that it would be excruciating, but it wasn't. It was good. As he pushed he explained what was happening, as this was something I'd need to do myself 5 times a day to start.
It was amazing. It was a sensation I had never felt before. He only left it in for a couple of minutes before slowly pulling it out (another new sensation) and leaving we with care instructions for my new body part. I followed his instructions to the letter.
The first weeks after SRS could be divided into 4 parts. Preparing to dilate, dilating, cleaning up from dilating, and sleeping. In the years since I've known people who set their alarms to get up in the middle of the night to dilate - I didn't do that. But in order to maintain depth and width as things heal it's very important to follow a disciplined regimen. I did.
There were interesting fluids coming out for quite a while. At the beginning, there were definitely signs of blood. As time went on it became pink, and the slow but steady flow eventually became a trickle became spotty over a number of weeks...and then stopped. Thank God for panty liners.
I'm a goal oriented person, so my goal was to get to the point where I could dilate with the 5th, and largest, dilator. At the beginning I had a hard time getting #3 back in....when Dr. Schrang did it things were still stretched out so it went in pretty easily. Not so when I did it. But slowly, over weeks of constant attempts, I got there.
As I moved up in size it hurt. I popped a couple of stitches in my perineal tissue along the way. The hardest part was getting past that curve of the pelvic bone. When I first started it would get raw and sore there. Eventually, I got a set of curved dilators with rounded tips that made it less uncomfortable. Some would think that it would be a pleasant sensation. It wasn't. It just needed to be done.
I had it down to a science....an ironing board next to my bed with a small dish of mineral oil (Dr. Schrang recommended it since it wouldn't cause a suction when pulling the dilator out), some KY, a washcloth and some paper towels, and my 5 white dilators in a row by ascending size. And a phone....I usually passed the time with a dilator in one hand and a phone in the other.
Fast forward a year. Life goes one, and dilating changes from something that consumes your days to something you do once a week or so depending on circumstances. The goal is to keep it open, and I certainly can't speak for anyone but me but dilating sometimes became an afterthought. I wasn't all that interested in guys so the need to keep it "ready" really wasn't a motivator.
Fast forward another year, or two, or three. Dilating became sporadic. I lost depth, and width. And I grew to hate those hard, white, cold things. So, it got to a point where I could count the number of times I'd dilate in any calendar year on two hands.
When I lived in Scottsdale and was working with Dr. Meltzer's patients we had discussions about this. Linda, his office manager, had found some soft, rubber (or silicone) dilators (see link). I started with a couple of them, and they were much more appropriate for me at that stage of my life.
Today - I still dilate. I did it this morning. It's better now than it was a year or two ago. Sometimes, it's actually even pleasant (to be discussed in some future entry to be titled "Orgasms"). I haven't used those straight, white dilators for many years, or their curved clear counterparts. They're in a shoebox back home.
Today I use the latex ones that Dr. Meltzer's office recommended. That's all I've got here, and I do it every couple of weeks. I'm nowhere near fitting the largest couple of sizes in the set, but that's not my goal anymore. Much of the depth I've lost is irretrievable. That's ok, too, since it's done. It all fits into my world.
This story is not unique. I know I'm not alone, and that many post-op women who rarely, if ever, dilate. There are many reasons, but I'd suggest that it's much more common than not. Of course, it depends on what you use it for. For me, though, it became a matter of time, convenience, comfort, and need. As I approach my 13th RebirthDay....I've got that balance in all the above.
Now - out to enjoy my Saturday. :)
Friday, August 2, 2013
Hither and Yonder
Well...the GPS seems to be working again. Maybe it's a battery thing. I'm no electrical engineer, so I've got no clue when it comes to this stuff. I'm just glad it's better....for now.
Zee weekend - she is here. I'm glad. It has been a long one. I'm staying put this weekend. Maybe go to the pool, a Costco run, a trip or two to the fitness center. Calm and quiet is a rarity for my weekends so I'll enjoy it while I can.
In case anyone cares, I'm still enjoying my job. Two months and counting. Good thing, because that's why I'm here and not back in Charleston. Or at least, that's what brought me here - 1,300 miles away. In life I tend to think that there are larger elements at play in things that may seem fairly obvious at the time...a bigger picture (if you will)...that unfold themselves to have unexpected and deeper impacts. My ex- used to tell me that smart people think (and over-think) too much and I sometimes agree with that. In this particular instance - we shall see.
One thing I'm thankful for - football season starts this weekend. More accurately, football pre-season starts this weekend. Football season is a frame of mind, and it has very deep and still strong memories and feelings for me associated with it. My dad. Watching games together. Going down to the drugstore to buy packs of football cards for a dime each. Getting ready for the end of summer, and the beginning of the school year. If football is being played, then fall can't be far behind.
My team tanks every year so I'm already simply hoping we get thru the season without sucking too badly. Expectations are low, so if anything good does happen it's a pleasant surprise. I like pleasant surprises.
I've been re-discovering lately how comfortable I've become being alone. I've got opportunities to do things with people outside my shell but the motivation to put forth the effort to do it just isn't there. That's not to say I've become a hermit because I haven't. But my life is more fluid than solid and I don't want to have to start at the beginning to explain it or justify it to anyone. I suppose I've learned the hard way that getting thru my outer shell takes more time and effort than I expect people are willing to invest, or that I'm willing to invest myself. Either way, it is what it is.
We were talking at work today about my various weekend adventures coming and going here and there. Someone made the astute observation that the reason I go places is typically for people that are there. My peeps in Charleston and in the Phoenix area, my son near Denver, my mom outside of Dallas, and family in Rochester. Those are my anchors.
I've got some trips coming up. I've got a dear friend dealing with some difficult issues I want to go to see. I expect that I'll be headed to the Bay area for an event sometime mid-month. I want to head to Denver to see my son, and a leg of the US Pro Cycling Challenge, in late August. My mom's birthday is at the end of the month - she'll be 84 - and she'll be headed to Rochester so I'll try to get there too. The weekend after that I'll be in Atlanta for SCC. I need to get back to SC sometime this month, too. Sheesh - I'm getting tired just talking about it.
So. Back to where I started this post. I'll enjoy this quiet weekend while it's here because I'll be headed hither and yonder in the coming weeks.
I'll end with a photo from this past weekend. This is my "other" family - in Charleston. I cherish them and miss their warmth, their positive energy, and their love. Goat.Sheep.Cow rocks.
I'll end with a USA Today story about the country's "Happiest Seaside Town". Someplace in Florida? Nope. Along Cape Cod? No again. Quiet, picturesque Maine? Not there either. According to a Coastal Living Magazine - it's little Beaufort, SC (story here). Beaufort is a quaint, pretty little town an hour south of Charleston off Hwy 17. I've driven down there before just to sit on the swings along the marina....it's THAT quaint. I can see myself there. Someday.
Zee weekend - she is here. I'm glad. It has been a long one. I'm staying put this weekend. Maybe go to the pool, a Costco run, a trip or two to the fitness center. Calm and quiet is a rarity for my weekends so I'll enjoy it while I can.
In case anyone cares, I'm still enjoying my job. Two months and counting. Good thing, because that's why I'm here and not back in Charleston. Or at least, that's what brought me here - 1,300 miles away. In life I tend to think that there are larger elements at play in things that may seem fairly obvious at the time...a bigger picture (if you will)...that unfold themselves to have unexpected and deeper impacts. My ex- used to tell me that smart people think (and over-think) too much and I sometimes agree with that. In this particular instance - we shall see.
One thing I'm thankful for - football season starts this weekend. More accurately, football pre-season starts this weekend. Football season is a frame of mind, and it has very deep and still strong memories and feelings for me associated with it. My dad. Watching games together. Going down to the drugstore to buy packs of football cards for a dime each. Getting ready for the end of summer, and the beginning of the school year. If football is being played, then fall can't be far behind.
My team tanks every year so I'm already simply hoping we get thru the season without sucking too badly. Expectations are low, so if anything good does happen it's a pleasant surprise. I like pleasant surprises.
I've been re-discovering lately how comfortable I've become being alone. I've got opportunities to do things with people outside my shell but the motivation to put forth the effort to do it just isn't there. That's not to say I've become a hermit because I haven't. But my life is more fluid than solid and I don't want to have to start at the beginning to explain it or justify it to anyone. I suppose I've learned the hard way that getting thru my outer shell takes more time and effort than I expect people are willing to invest, or that I'm willing to invest myself. Either way, it is what it is.
We were talking at work today about my various weekend adventures coming and going here and there. Someone made the astute observation that the reason I go places is typically for people that are there. My peeps in Charleston and in the Phoenix area, my son near Denver, my mom outside of Dallas, and family in Rochester. Those are my anchors.
I've got some trips coming up. I've got a dear friend dealing with some difficult issues I want to go to see. I expect that I'll be headed to the Bay area for an event sometime mid-month. I want to head to Denver to see my son, and a leg of the US Pro Cycling Challenge, in late August. My mom's birthday is at the end of the month - she'll be 84 - and she'll be headed to Rochester so I'll try to get there too. The weekend after that I'll be in Atlanta for SCC. I need to get back to SC sometime this month, too. Sheesh - I'm getting tired just talking about it.
So. Back to where I started this post. I'll enjoy this quiet weekend while it's here because I'll be headed hither and yonder in the coming weeks.
I'll end with a photo from this past weekend. This is my "other" family - in Charleston. I cherish them and miss their warmth, their positive energy, and their love. Goat.Sheep.Cow rocks.
I'll end with a USA Today story about the country's "Happiest Seaside Town". Someplace in Florida? Nope. Along Cape Cod? No again. Quiet, picturesque Maine? Not there either. According to a Coastal Living Magazine - it's little Beaufort, SC (story here). Beaufort is a quaint, pretty little town an hour south of Charleston off Hwy 17. I've driven down there before just to sit on the swings along the marina....it's THAT quaint. I can see myself there. Someday.
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