Krud

The last several weeks have been pretty nuts.  I went to Rochester for my mom.  In the middle of October I went to Cleveland for the Gay Games.  At the end of the month I flew to Rochester for my mom's birthday.  I was back in Charlotte for a few days before driving to Atlanta for SCC.   Last weekend we drove to Orlando for a few days in Disney.  Then, this past weekend I was in Washington DC to speak at Out for Work.

Things calm down now for a while, and none too soon.  I've been dealing with a nagging "cold" for the past ten days and I've been waiting to it to run its course so I can feel better.  But it hasn't been getting better and, in fact, over the weekend it started to get worse to the point that I went to an Urgent Care Clinic for the first time in my life.  I'm taking two lessons from this - (1) I don't heal as quickly or as easily as I used to (maybe I've lost my super powers?!) and (2) slow down when possible.  Now all I need to learn how to do is to take my own advice.

Despite not being 100%, the trip to Disney was fun.  I'm not sure if all the go-go-go involved contributed to this krud hanging on for so long but, if so, it was worth it.  Every year Epcot does their annual Food and Wine Festival thing - each country has special samples of foods and drinks.  We ate and walked ourselves silly (thankfully, we kept the drinking part pretty much under control).

Some misc shots from around Disney:

Giraffes snacking in Disney's Animal Kingdom

Hanging with the DC Gay Men's Choir this past weekend.  They're awesome.  

Give it a Chance

I drove to Atlanta to visit with some friends at the Southern Comfort Conference a couple of weeks ago.

This conference and I have history.  The first year I attended was 2001, shortly after my transition, and from that point through 2010 I attended every year.  I've given keynotes there, I've raised sponsorship money for it, I've met a number of dear friends there (including a certain someone, in 2002) - as I say, we have history.

This year's visit was a fairly informal one.  I didn't attend any of the Conference events....I didn't even stay at the conference hotel (anyone who has been there knows what it can be like waiting for elevators).  I don't think I told many people I was going as I didn't want to disappoint anyone hoping to hang for a little while - it was a very brief trip.

The main reason - to see Dr. O.  As I've previously written here, he has now formally retired.  He has closed his office in Davies Medical Center and is no longer actively seeing patients.  I felt compelled to visit him at least one more time to consider old times.  Plus, he was using this year's conference to introduce the surgeon he is working with as a "protege" of sorts.  Oh - and he had a wine tasting of his wine....

There were a couple of headlines worth mentioning from this year's event.  The first is that HRC President Chad Griffin was the Friday lunchtime keynote speaker.  I'll have more to say about that in a subsequent entry here.

The other was the announcement that the conference will be moving away from the only home city it has ever known - Atlanta - next year.  The 2015 SCC will be held in Ft. Lauderdale, FL (story here).

There was no small amount of emotion expressed over this move.  On Sunday morning, after the conference, I was invited to two different 7:30am meetings.  One was to begin planning for the 2015 SCC in Ft. Lauderdale.  The other was to discuss the possibility of creating another conference and keeping it in Atlanta.  I understand both points of view.

The fact of the matter is that this is the right move.  Nobody asked my opinion, but it is.  Truth be told, the days of these kinds of huge conferences that depend on attendee fees and sponsorships are numbered.  We've talked about this in the past - conference attendance has been falling steadily for years.  There are lots of reasons for it, but the bottom line is that if it doesn't change itself soon there won't be any SCC to save.

The trans communities are far more complex now than they were a decade ago.  It's difficult to put together a conference that appeals to the broad spectrum without neglecting others.  One of the reasons they've lasted as long as they have is that they've done a pretty good job of it.

Ft. Lauderdale made this an easy decision, thanks to its sponsorship $$$.  Those who are angry and say they won't go simply because it's not in Atlanta should re-think once the emotion dies down.  For a community that's all about change we don't seem to handle change so well sometimes.  Anyway - time will tell how this plays out.  All I can say is - give it a chance.

For those of us for whom SCC holds lots of memories - well, we'll never lose those.  That's what SCC represents to me now - good old memories, and the opportunity to create new ones.

85 and counting

I wrote this on 9/10

The main reason for the trip to Rochester, or at least the excuse for it, was my mom's birthday.  She turned 85 years old on August 29.

Mom and me

My mom's birthday has special significance in my world.  Part of it is that it provides the only real opportunity for our family to get together each year.  With mom living in Dallas, my brother and sister in Rochester, and me - well - wherever I happen to be, it's not something that happens by itself.  And with my mom getting older these kinds of trips get harder on her.  This was the first year she arranged for a wheel chair to meet her on the plane and take her to her connecting flight.

My mom is a rock.  She's healthy, she enjoys life, she's happy - and at the same time she seems to have come to peace with the stage of life she's in.  Her friends are passing away one by one and I suppose that once you get within striking distance of 100 that's to be expected.  But she doesn't dwell on it, and she's always planning for the future.  That's how I know she's ok.

The main way I can sense that she's aging is in her voice.  She moves slower, too, but I suspect that's to be expected.  She bought something called a HurryCane that she absolutely loves - she'll talk about it for 20 minutes if you let her.  But the one constant is that her purse still weighs a dozen pounds or more.  It's more like a small suitcase full of various aspects of her life - books, keys, who knows what else - than a purse.

My mom, the birthday girl....and her monster-purse

Another constant is that she LOVES to sew.  She brought a bunch of stuff to keep her busy over her two weeks in Rochester.  And, she loves to read.

Her birthday that was perhaps most memorable for me was her 70th, in 1999.  I had come out to her in early July at breakfast in Rochester and it would be the first time I would meet the entire family after beginning my transition.  My FFS with Dr. O was scheduled for late July so I would be 5 weeks or so post-op - but not even full-time yet.  I was slowly but surely gaining confidence living as Donna outside of work until early October when the life I had known would be gone, and the life I was about to embark on would become real.

My mom made it clear that she didn't want my transition to be the main focus of the visit and I was fine with that.  I came out to my brother in mid-August, and the first time he saw me was when he picked my up so we could go to mom's birthday dinner together.  Mom picked out a dress she wanted me to wear, and I looked nice in it.  There was no tension, no apprehension, no jitters - at least on my side (and I didn't sense any in the rest of the family).  My brother acknowledged that it was a little awkward at first, but that we'd get past it.  And we have.

Anyway - I digress.  There were 20 people at mom's birthday dinner.  It was great having everyone together.

My mom's birthday dinner gang.

And, on Saturday the event at the Rochester Sailing Club was equally wonderful.  The weather was great, there were upwards of 50 people there, and it provided an opportunity for old friends and relatives who hadn't seen one another in a long time to catch up.

The most important thing is that my mom had a good time.

My brother, my mom, and your's truly - after a long day at the Sailing club....

This was a day to remember....I doubt we'll be able to replicate it.  If lives are made of notable days...well...this was one.

Friends with the Past

I haven't posted anything for a while.  My bad.  Life has been very busy lately - in a good way.

I decided that the way I want to catch up is to write a number of posts - each on a topic or a specific aspect of events over the past couple of weeks.  That, to me, is a more effective way of saying what I want to say than to put it all in one long, rambling post.

I'll start with this one.  I wrote it on Thursday August 28 but never published it.

Thursday, August 28 

First things first - I had another very pleasant weekend.  I did some work outside work that needed to be done (it was the perfect weekend for it).  And, of course, there was the weekly motorcycle trip.  We did a 100 mile circle up one of the most scenic roads in the area (and that's saying something).  USA Today recently identified Ashley River Rd. as one of the most Scenic Roads in the South (link here).

I thought about stopping for photos a half dozen times, but I think we'll head back there in the fall to do that.  The weather was perfect for an afternoon ride, and best of all we had the roads to ourselves for a good bit of it.

We bought these Blue Tooth communication devices and tested them out yesterday - it was way cool.  Big thumbs up from both of us.

Now - current events....

I flew to Rochester NY a couple of evenings ago.  The main reason for the trip is to celebrate my mom's 85th birthday.  But my sister has done an amazing job of pulling people who are either part of the family or have intersected with the family from all over the country for a day-long event on Saturday.

One of our ex-neighbors from Buffalo NY in the early '70s is flying in from Florida.  A cousin I haven't seen since 1971 is taking the train in from Virginia.  Cousins from LA are coming.  Other cousins from NYC are coming.  A family friend from Dallas is flying in.  I'm actually looking forward to re-connecting with this group after so many years.

And, of course, as with every time I come back to Rochester I find myself wallowing in nostalgia.  This area is "home" for me more than any other.  We bought our first house here, my son was born here, my father died here, my brother and sister live here, I have lots of friends and memories....none of that has changed.  If anything, time amplifies it.

Just an example...when my book came out in 2003 I was asked to speak at the Barnes and Noble here in Pittsford.  The person who arranged everything is Penny.  I participated in a couple of other events in the years afterwards and Penny was there, too.  I stop in to see if she's still at B&N.  It seems as though she's ALWAYS there.  Well, I stopped by yesterday.  And, as usual - she was there.  So nice to see her.

I explained some of what I've done over the past couple of years.  The wrestling, working in a cold underground bunker at US Strategic Command, the motorcycle, some of the traveling.  She told me to write another book.  I told her I'm too busy doing this stuff to write about it.  :)

I stopped by the old neighborhood - as I always do.  I spent time catching up with my mom, my sister, and my nieces.  I had dinner with the daughter of our neighbors for all 15 years we lived there -she's married now and has a young son.

Dinner with JoElyn and her family.
She used to babysit for us when my son was the age that hers is now.

I stopped to look at the apartments my wife and I moved into in mid-1982 when we first moved to Rochester, before we bought our house.  I had lunch at my favorite BBQ with a good friend from the area I've known since the local paper did a story on me a dozen years ago.  I visited the Harley dealership - a friend bought me a small bell to put on my bike for good luck.  I drove around - noticing things that had changed and things that hadn't.

We drove up to Honeyoye Falls to enjoy the late summer/early fall sights that make the area so wonderful this time of year.

Honeyoye Falls

The Sunflower field on Rt. 64 is nearing full bloom

I stopped to visit the woman who helped keep me sane through the early '80s thru the mid '90s (her name is Deborah).  At the time she had a make-up studio...it has grown into a thriving Brow business (thus the name - Brow Biz).  Although we only see each other once ever couple or three years it's always nice to catch up where we left off - very comfortable and easy with her.  All in all - it's just nice to be home.

Visiting  the always wonderful Deborah at Brow Biz.
Over the course of a decade She helped my "other" self  more than I can express.

One thing that has stuck me over these past few days is how simple my life here was.  My life "before", that is.  I wasn't pulled in a hundred different directions.  Priorities seemed very simple - family first, everything else second.  I wasn't wondering where I'd be living in 6 months or a year, I wasn't involved in extra-curricular activities (other than our wedding video business), it was all very comfortable.  One of the things people sometimes ask is whether or not I would have transitioned if I hadn't moved away from the area and I really don't know - I can't hazard a guess.  The issues bubbled to the surface every few months but otherwise I had come to accept them as simply part of the tide of life - in sometimes, then out.

Regardless - life seems far more complicated these days.  I feel like I'm juggling far more than I was when I lived there - I'm not sure if it's true or not (memory can be pretty selective sometimes) but at least that's what I feel when I go back.  That's not a bad thing - but it's a noticeable thing.

I feel a very real need to visit my past sometimes.  I realize some people want to escape their pasts, or erase their pasts, but that's not me.  My past is part of who I am, and I've made friends with it, I enjoy staying in touch with it whether it's people, places, events, or memories.  All good.

I also find that when I come home to Rochester I tend to turn more introspective than usual.  I think it's due to a combination of things, but part of it is simply the comfort of the familiar, the deep connection I still have with the area, and the joy I feel being around my family.  My brother and sister (and their families) still live here, my father died here, and when my mom visits for her birthday each August it's our only opportunity to all be together.  I appreciate it while I can.

With my little niece, Kyrie.  She's the happiest person I know.

The festivities kick off tomorrow - it's my mom's actual birthday.  A group of 20 of us will be going out for dinner (she enjoys going to a Japanese place where they cook at the table), then there will be an all day party at a local sailing club on Saturday.  I hope the weather cooperates.

Onwards!