Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Calm

Good morning.

I had a marvelous weekend.  The weather was beautiful, I spent most of it on a motorcycle, and I got to spend some time enjoying some of the coastal charms of this beautiful state.  All things considered - it's a shame it had to end.

I decided to share my "news" on FB.  People are finding out in all kinds of different ways and I wanted to remove the chance that things get blown out of proportion.  At this point all we know is that there's something in there.  I hope we learn more over these next few days.

Ironically, the liver thing isn't the reason I was in the ER in the first place.  Tests are going on on that front, as well.  Now that I've recovered the pressure to figure that out seems to have waned.  The good news is that my blood is good, and biopsies they've done on various "things" they've taken from inside of me have turned up clean.  That's all good news, but doesn't get to a cause.

One of the frustrating things is that everything seems to take a week.  When all this first happened the soonest I could get into the doctor was a week.  Then, it took another week to do all the tests.  Now, I'll go back to see the doctor a week later.  I suspect he'll want to do a biopsy of the "mass" and that will probably take another week (or more).  I'd like to speed this whole thing up.

That said, I don't know that any of it has sunk in yet.  I "feel" good, and although the weight of knowing what little I do know at the moment is always there I don't let myself dwell on it.  I haven't cried over it yet.  And, I'm thankful to have people in my life to help focus on other things during this time of investigation.

On Friday night I had originally planned to spend the weekend with some of my dearest friends in Charleston - their kindness and love towards me has been one of the reasons the city feels so much like home.  Instead, I headed out for some time alone then ended up in Myrtle Beach for a friend's son's lacrosse tournament.  I probably put 500 miles on the bike over the weekend but it was worth it.

Lacrosse under big, puffy clouds....

On the way home I went through a brief shower.  It was the first time I've ridden in rain, and it actually felt wonderful.  Cooling, cleansing.  I stopped in Georgetown - a quaint little city halfway between Charleston and Myrtle Beach - for lunch.  Watching the boats, smelling the sea air - that's why I enjoy it here. 

The Boardwalk along the waterfront in Georgetown, SC

I am under no illusions that things are not about to get busier than I'd like them to be so I'm treating this as the calm before the storm.

I asked my doctor for a list of therapists I can talk with - I miss having that kind of outlet.  When I transitioned one of the best parts was finally having someone I could talk with who could offer constructive, thought-provoking feedback.  I realize there are many who feel that the requirement for a year of therapy as part of the Standards of Care is intrusive but for me, it was wonderful.

I'd go so far as to suggest that the fact many of us stop seeing a therapist as soon as we can is actually a hole in the safety net.  Once you've made all the moves to permanently be who you are having that continuing sounding board can be very important.  Many of us - including me - don't take advantage of it.

But now that I'm at this stage I've got a number of things on my mind that I need to discuss with someone.  The physical questions currently on the table are part of it but there's more than that.  Anyway, my doctor recommended 4 therapists that she thought would be good for me so I'll choose one and see where that goes...