The World Seems Smaller

I'm in Arlington, TX chilling with mom.  It's a very pleasant early spring afternoon here and we're in the brief lull between doing afternoon stuff and making dinner.  Mom likes the salmon dish I cook and has invited her "man" over to have dinner with us.  It has been a pleasant visit so far.

I went down to Austin yesterday to get my hair done.  My dear, dear friend Teresa has done my hair since 2002 and we've qot quite a history together.  It was wonderful to see her, and I'm always reminded how much I enjoyed living here when I come back.  I think I'll be back the next time I need my hair done...it's as good an excuse as any.

I jumped on FB briefly and noticed that the Keystone Conference is happening in Harrisburg PA this weekend.  I remember attending the first few of them and commenting here how well run it was.  It was apparent to me, even then, that smaller regional conferences would eventually take the place of the large national ones.  That has proven to be true for a number of reasons.  The central PA community is a very supportive place and I couldn't help but smile at one of the photos showing snow falling outside.  One year there was a very chilly drizzle...

The thing I'll always remember, other than some of the great people there, is that the conference often coincided with the state high school wrestling championships.  Evenings at the bar or in the lobby were often pretty interesting places to be, where both worlds collided.  The good news is that I thinkm general amusement that many of the wrestling folks often showed at the beginning often turned into a more substantive respect by the time the weekend was over.  Anyway - for those who went - I hope it's still as healthy and as valuable as ever.

My most memorable time there was the third year (I think it was the third year) - in 2009.  I had just turned 50 and during the battery of tests that typically happen when you pass that milestone they identified what they said was a malignant melanoma on my back.  I had made the commitment to speak at the dinner, so I made arrangements to fly out of town on the trip that would eventually end up in the excision of the melanoma the next morning.  My niece came with me.  I'll never forget it.

Next topic.... I went to the movies this morning.  I saw the 2nd movie in the Divergent series.  Based on RottenTomatoes ratings the critics don't seem to like it.  But I liked it.  It was my kind of movie, and I found it to be a good follow-up to Part 1.

The reason I mention it here is that afterwards I couldn't help but be struck by some similarities between a main theme, and our unique "gift" of being trans.

It's about how people get divided into one of six factions based on their personalities and skills.  All people find one and only one faction and once that decision is made, that's where they stay.  The society in which they live is based upon that faction system for harmony, for peace, for stability, and are simply accepted as the general state of being.

Some people can't fit into the faction system.  Some people straddle more than one of the factions and really don't seem to find a way to fit in, no matter how hard they try.  These people are known as Divergent.  They are percieved as a threat to the stability of society, and get actively sought out and killed.

At the end of this movie (spoiler alert) there is a message that the faction system was simply an experiment, and that the future lies in the Divergents.

That's how I see gender.  I see our society as having not 6, but 2 factions.  People are assigned to them at birth and once assigned, cannot choose to leave.  Some of us can't fit into that structure, however, and are percieved as a threat.  We're Divergent.  And, we're simply part of the natural order, trying to fit into a system that just doesn't fit.

I'm under no illusion that outcomes in fiction necessarily predict outcomes in real life.  But in this case I'm confident that it's true. 

Anyways - I enjoyed the movie. 

And I enjoyed a couple of the trailers. 

I'm here in Texas for a couple more days.  Mom asked me to make salmon for dinner and her man-friend was here as well.   It's nice....comfortable, relaxed.  I needed this. 

I am also thrilled to see my little man - Cody.  Leaving him last month was the source of a significant amount of angst and sadness in my world over these past few weeks.  But seeing him again, and how well he is doing, has been good for me.

 

 

 

My mom, in her spring Iris garden.

 

There's things that still need some settling when I get back home. But for now....I'm here with mom and the world seems much smaller. And for that - I'm glad. 

Settling down a bit

Life is settling down a bit.  Finally.

My "family" is smaller than it used to be - now it's just Maggie and me.  I'm getting over not having Cody here somewhat but I'll be honest - it's still a source of significant sadness for me so I don't dwell there too long.  My motivations were good and I do think he's got a more stable life where he is.  My mom says he's adjusting to life with her and that's the most important thing.  Maggie could care less - I think she enjoys getting ALL the attention so not having to compete for it or share it isn't a problem for her.  But I miss him, and feel guilt over any sadness or loneliness he might feel.

Part of the frenzy of the past couple of months was generated by the general life upheaval it caused by moving out of my apartment last month.  The weeks leading up to it were full of craziness surrounding moving out, and the weeks since it were full of craziness caused by lack of center.  Thankfully, both have subsided significantly.

I spent a couple of weeks at a hotel while in Charlotte during the week - similar to the pattern when I first arrived here.  After a bit of a search  found someone on Craigslist who is renting out part of their home to make a little extra income.  I've got a large bedroom, closet, private bath, and shared areas of the house so it's very pleasant.  There's a large fenced yard for the pup which is a big plus.  Anyway, I've only been here 3 nights but so far all is well.

I followed thru on another of my plans - I traded in my Tundra on a new car.  The reasons for having a truck have passed, and given the 14 mpg I get on the highway over the course of my travels it's just not cost effective anymore.  My truck and I have bonded quite a bit over the 4 years and 110,000 miles we've travelled together. As I cleaned out the stuff from the glovebox yesterday it was actually kinda nostalgic. She has been a good truck, and I've been very happy with her.

After much research and thought I bought a new Mazda 6.  A red one.  It gets almost 40mpg on the highway and the reviews are as stellar as the performance.

It's going to take a while to get used to the fact that it's not a truck but I'm confident that I'll manage. I'm comfortable with my decision. 

 

Work is fine.  Health is good.  Head and heart are good.  I love springtime so I'm thrilled that we've had 2 80-degree days this week.  All things considered, I'm in a pretty good space.

I'm headed back to Dallas over the weekend.  Part of it is to visit mom again.  Part of it is to see Cody.  And it will involve a brief trip down to Austin - I haven't been there in a couple of years or more - since my son left.  I miss it and expect to do a couple of things during my brief stay.

Anyway - the good news is that this time I'm flying.  :)

 

Mess

I'm a mess.  Admittedly, I'm less of a mess today than I was last week.  Still....the operative word is "mess".

In between storms in Dallas last week there was a window of opportunity to leave on Tuesday.  The smart money indicated that adding a couple hundred miles to the trip by taking the southernmost route - along I10 - was most prudent given all the other junk that seemed to be tracking along I20 through Alabama, Georgia, and North Carolina.

What I wasn't ready for was the tidal wave of grief at having to leave one of my pups behind.  I'm tearing up even as I type this.

Cody was the energy in family.  He was always happy, always excited.  He was very much a momma's boy and kept me in his sight pretty much at all times.  He's the one who hopped onto the bed and slept with me, and who was the most loving.  But, like many things, you don't know what you've got until it's gone.

I can rationalize why I've done what I've done forever.  The fact that I feel guilty about leaving them alone in an apartment all day, that I have to take them to a dog sitter most weekends, and that I've only got a few hours to spend with them each evening - that they deserve more.  They deserve someone who will be around, a backyard, and more out of life than simply waiting for most of it.

When it came time to leave I cried like a baby.  It was the first time my mom has seen me cry in almost 50 years.  It wasn't little crying, either, it was "I can't talk because it's so difficult" tears.  And then, being stuck in that truck for the 1,300 mile drive back with nothing but guilt, sadness, grief...not good.  The dynamic of the family has changed, and I don't know if it's in a good way or not.

I've left the dogs in the care of others before.  My son watched Cody for several months a few years ago.  My sister watched him for 6 months a couple of years ago, as well.  I didn't feel anything resembling this before.  But my mom said that if she was going to take Cody it needed to be a permanent thing, that she didn't want to get emotionally attached and then have him leave, and I agreed.

Until recently I could honestly say that I have very few regrets in life.  I've actively tried to ensure that.  And although it's still too painful for me and too early to assess clearly this might be one of them.

I've got a lot of emotional energy in me....and not all of it is positive.  Most of the time I do a good job keeping it all at bay.  But, when there's a crack in the containment system, it all comes pouring out.  That's what happened last week.  Years of sadness, frustration, anger, resentment...it's all in there and I suppose it needed release.  Well, last week it got it.

Last night I came full circle.  I pulled back into the hotel where we stayed just before leaving for Dallas a couple of weeks ago.  But there is one fewer of us, and it's not the same.  I miss my little man.

On the more practical side - the trip was ok but was a huge huge huge energy drain.  Between the emotion spent over this trauma, the challenge of a long trip on the road, and the general pull of work and other life demands I very much needed the weekend. 

I'll be in Charlotte for the first half of the week before heading back home for the tail end, and the weekend.  I could have used another couple of days to recover.  Ready or not, though, Monday is here.