Amazement

These last few days represent significant milestones in my life.  My last day at work before starting FT was on Oct. 1 1999, meaning that my first full day as Donna was Sat. Oct. 2.  Yesterday marked what my first day at work (Oct. 4).  After I got home that day I wrote:

How long have we talked about this day? I can't believe it's here. I can't believe this is me. It's as if I were just a spectator watching this person do these things, and to realize that it's me is really amazing to me. I have no idea where I have gotten the strength/courage to actually show up here today. It has built itself up over time, because I know it wasn't here too too long ago. It's one thing to want it and talk about it, and another to do it. And still another to feel comfortable about it. How many people actually follow it through? Pretty amazing..

Although I know people who choose to forget those milestones in their lives, or move on from them and rarely look back, I choose to keep some of them close; this is one of them.  To appreciate where I've come from is a way to draw energy into where I am and where I'm going.

The single thing that shines thru to me from that time in my life is the profound sense of amazement of it all finally happening.  And whereas life can gradually wear you down to the point where amazement becomes frustration becomes apathy I readily admit that my sense of amazement at things happening remains alive and well.

I have a number of friends who seem aimless right now.  They seem rudderless and floating through life with very few options or ideas which way to turn, which is very sad.  I hate to see those who have struggled mightily to own their lives and their destinies give it all back based on complications life can throw at you sometimes.  But I daresay it happens more often than not, and those who were once commanding their lives become victims to their (sometimes self-inflicted) circumstances.

As for me: I will share that my own life priorities have changed in recent weeks as a direct result of my relationship with Tracy.  Goals and plans I had two months ago that are very much within my reach right now have been sidelined because of other, new priorities. That's not to say that they're in any way transient or that they are (or were) more or less important than anything else.  But as far as I'm concerned when a special relationship enters an already full life things need to be moved around in order to give it the high priority it needs and deserves.  The more we're together, the more special she makes me feel.  That's where I'm at....

Tracy and I had a wonderful time together during her week here. The weather has been spectacular all week long, with bright sunny skies and coolish autumn temperatures reaching into the 70's.  From the moment she landed everything felt so seamless and effortless; it was truly magical.  Even the mundane stuff was fun.  I got a small "body ornament" over the weekend that I've been wanting. We took Maggie to the vet together on Saturday. Sunday was spent kayaking through some of the lowcountry marshes, walking together on the beach, and enjoying a nice quiet dinner out with a friend. 

She boarded a plane to fly home today.  I was sad to see her go, and ended up being sniffly about it for the entire rest of the day.  And I'm just now realizing how tired I am.  The energy of being together has given way to the need to get some sleep.

In other news, I'm actively looking to move my blog back to a WordPress platform.  I moved it to Blogger a year ago after some hacking pulled me down for a while, and that database  has since become corrupted.  I'm hoping to fix it, to migrate all the stuff I've added here, and to generally get things cleaned up a bit.  There are a number of reasons - but first I've got to get everything working again.

There was an article about my wrestling recently (see it here).  Back to my point about being aimless - I'm certainly not that.  If anything, I sometimes feel I've got too many goals.  But it's just that perhaps I should aim for less dangerous ones.  :)

I've heard from a number of friends about SCC this year.  I'm told ~900 people attended which is nice to hear.  Many of the larger conferences are suffering (or have folded) for a number of reasons so seeing that this venerable Grand Dame of the trans conference season is very much alive and well.  It was part of a bigger series of events this year with both WPATH and GLMA having conferences in Atlanta that same weekend, but it still bodes well.