Monday, July 25, 2011

Kiss

The weekend has come and gone. From my checklist of wanna-do's: Long bike ride (50 miles) - check. Go see the movie - check. Do laundry - check. Fitness Center - check. Ride up the coast - nope. Time with laptop - a little. All things considered - very nice weekend.

The movie, "Midnight in Paris" was enjoyable. Not great, but visually very appealing and deeper than you'd think. I find you can often judge a movie by how many of the trailers at the beginning are films you'd actually want to go see. There were 3 or 4 of them.

I don't go to the movies all that often. I enjoy them, but over the summer it seems as though theaters are clogged with kids films, "blockbusters", or other noise that just doesn't interest me. I've made it a point to avoid any movie that's based on a comic book because that's gotten way out of hand. I refuse to go to any film that has a 2 or a 3 or a 4 after it because they almost never live up to the original (even if the original sucked).

I have no problem going to movies alone, although I have friends who avoid it because it makes them feel pathetic. I really don't know why. I've got dear friends who are wonderful movie partners, and others with whom I really don't enjoy watching movies with. But whether or not someone is available or wants to go with me won't affect whether I go or not.
One movie that's coming out soon perks my interest.  It's "Life In a Day" and is comprised of clips that people uploaded to YouTube in a 24 hour period last year:



Another of the trailers was for "Beginners".  I like Ewan McGregor. 

Here's another one I'd like to see:



I'm not sure what sharing my taste in movies says about my deeper psyche (if anything) but those are the kinds of things that pique my interest...

I do want to talk about a couple of things that have been on my mind recently....

First, it's the fairly broad topic of relationships but more specifically, committed relationships based on love. As many who read this probably know same-sex marriages are now happening in New York and I, for one, am thrilled. I still can't for the life of me understand how recognizing loving relationships as marriage in any way devalues heterosexual marriage, undermines western civilization, or is in any way a threat to anyone. The more these happen the more it becomes apparent that it's not the scary thing people made it out to be and it's just another flavor of the human condition. Anyway, congratulations to New York.

One of my most significant hopes continues to be that I will find myself in one of those kinds of relationships again one day. Relationships can take you to heaven and then drag you through hell, but such is the nature of vulnerability. One friend who was in what she thought was a loving committed relationship learned otherwise and is coping with that. Another is moving from one state to another to be with somebody that she's fallen head over heels for. Many more of my friends lament the fact that they're alone, and that's just the way it is.

The movie, "The Proposal", was on over the weekend. For some reason I like that movie. I realize it's not a high-brow piece of cinematic art but it's cute and it's funny and those are two of my main reasons for going to movies in the first place.

Perhaps my favorite part is the kiss at the end. That kiss is my holy grail, my Santa Clause, my Tooth Fairy. Whether or not it exists for me is a whole other thing - the more important thing is to believe that it does. I'm talking about the kind of kiss where you close your eyes and get lost for a moment, where you leave your body and soar among the clouds, where time stands still and you get lost. Romantic notions - yes - but underneath all of my armor beats the soul of a hopeless romantic looking for someone to release her.  With a kiss. Some day...

When I close my eyes and imagine that kiss I suppose I have to admit that the person who takes my breath away could be a man or a women. He or she is out there - someone worth falling in love for. And, until he or she and I find one another I fulfill myself and fill my life with as much living as I can. So much to do - so little time......

Speaking of kissing - I remember my very first kiss. I was in 8th grade. I was living outside of East Lansing, MI and had a crush on one of the girls on our bus. She played the cello and every morning we'd stop to pick her up and she'd lug this big instrument onto the bus. I was far too shy to ever act on it but the two of us took Theater together. It just so happened that our play was the romantic comedy "You Can't Take it With You" and she was cast as the female romantic lead. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to guess who was cast as the "other" romantic lead. Anyway - my first kiss was am awkward stage kiss. I'll never forget it.

I'm not sure what sent me off on that tangent but it has been on my mind so it's worth sharing.

Next Topic: Hormones.  I read a posting that Jenny Boylan recently made on FB about potentially going off HRT.  It generated quite a few comments. 

As for me - Donna - one thing I'll say is that I wouldn't go off HRT for anything.  Nothing.  If I had enough money to eat for a week or pay for my meds it'd be an easy decision.  I'd eat catshup or soup.  No doctor no where under no condition could make me give up my estrogen.  Needless to say - I've got some very strong opinions on the topic (at least when it comes to me).

Admittedly, there is precious little research or "evidence" into the hormone needs of post-SRS women.  This is partly due to a misplaced notion that once we've had surgery we're "cured" and we simply go on living life like any other woman.  But just this past week my visit with the urologist and the need to explain the presence of a prostate demonstrate that there are continuing health and medical sensitivities that involve our unique physiology.

I have heard some women talk about moving to some low maintenance dose.  Been there.  Don't like it.  Doesn't do it for me.  As a result, I continue to take bi-weekly injections and I continue to take a projesterone.  Do I need medical "proof" that it does me good?  No.  I just know it.  It may or may not do anything for my physically at this point but as far as I'm concerned my mental health is just as important of a component in my day-to-day existence as my physical health. 

I may be tempting fate with this approach.  My maternal grandmother had a double mastectomy thanks to breast cancer, and I've already dealt with a melanoma myself. But I've come to peace with the fact that each of us is going to die and I stopped fearing that a long time ago. 

Every year I have my blook levels checked and I suppose that if they were high off the charts or if that I was a constant emotional mess that'd be reason to discuss dosage or frequency.  But that's not the case - at least up til now - so I'm more than comfortable with it.  Funny thing is - back in the early early early days I looked so forward to my be-weekly injections.  I still do.

The bottom line to all of this is in two parts:   (a) even in this day and age there is precious little research on this important topic and (b) there is no one right answer for everyone.  As a result the key is to get to know your body and to take an active role in managing your health so you can make the decisions that are best for you.

Next topic: Social Networks.  I'm on Facebook and find it to be both a blessing and a curse.  As with most things in my world I just don't have the time to spend too much time there.  Sometimes people write me email via FB and I suppose I should mention that I don't check it all that often.  I've learned that most of what I read on FB is BS, and the best part of it all has been actually meeting several people who I've met through it.

So it should be no surprise that I'm not big into Social Networking.  I have a LinkedIn account but never use it.  People invite me to be a contact there but I just don't do it so don't get your feelings hurt if you've asked but don't hear back.  I saw that Linked In is the 2nd largest network (that was before Google+).  I'm going to resist being dragged into it for as long as I can.

Lastly - I've had a few friends that I typically only see once a year at SCC asking me if I'll be in Atlanta to attend again this year.  There's extra "stuff" going on since the WPATH conference will be happening in Atlanta and will overlap a bit.  But the short answer to whether I'll be there is "no".  I've got another commitment that will bring me to Denver that weekend so I won't even be in the same time zone....

2 comments:

Sophie Lynne said...

I wonder what it would take for more research to be done into TG health?

Who knows?

A TG with lots and lots of $ and in the field is my guess.

Mae West said...

You know, you have said it all in this blog with:

... but underneath all of my armor beats the soul of a hopeless romantic looking for someone to release her. With a kiss. Some day...

I have been looking for this person and this kiss all of my life and have not found them yet.

This search is bittersweet as I long for this person every second that I live, but the search for them is what ultimately keeps me going. To find them will be the moment of my true self-actualization.