All I Really Want

Today is my first "quiet" Saturday in a long time.  That is, it doesn't involve traveling, packing, moving, or anything overly strenuous.  I'll admit that I'm not really sure what to do with this kind of day since it seems to happen so rarely.  I'm planning to stop by work for a bit, to go to the gym for a bit, and I'm sure the day will find a way of filling itself.

I wish I could go hike Squaw Peak or take a walk on the beach somewhere but neither of those are options today.  I could go see the Ice Sculptures at the IceFest in Chambersburg but that's too cold for me.  The weather guy on the news said the temperature might get above freezing in the next week and they joked that it was "balmy".  It's not funny.....

I've been invited over to one of our Board Member's house for dinner this evening.

I have been in rare form lately.  My ability to tolerate bullsh*t seems to be uncharacteristically low but it is what it is.  I'm listening to Alanis this morning which feels appropriately edgy to how I'm feeling.  The first song articulates it well (I've included a version here with lyrics):



What I wouldn't give
To meet a soul mate
Someone else to catch this drift
What I wouldn't give
To meet a kindred

That said - I've seen a couple of things in the last day that stuck a chord in me for some reason.  It's interesting to see the various things we see or hear in our day to day lives - a song, a video, a line from a movie, part of a conversation - and to realize that they stick with us for some reason.

One of the things is actually pretty funny.  This guy was part of a gymnastics group performing at a Phoenix Suns game and he jumped off a trampoline to dunk the ball.



This kid goes too high, and actually ends up going head first through the hoop.  He was on Good Morning America this morning talking about it and it's a wonder he didn't go face first into the rim or the backboard, get stuck, or that any number of other countless outcomes that involve an injury didn't come to pass.  Instead, he made the best of a bad situation, the reacted quickly, and the outcome which could have been pretty unfortunate ended up being pretty amazing.

The other thing is a couple of lines from "Lord of the Rings".  It has been on one of the movie channels lately so I've seen it a few times over the last week and I've been able to catch some of the more subtle things I haven't caught before.

This little hobbit, Frodo, has a ring that he needs to take on a dangerous trip and destroy.  At the same time, the ring threatens to destroy him.  Frodo didn't choose to be the one to undertake this dangerous journey - it just happened.  And although he's reluctant at first it eventually becomes apparent that this is a burden that he can't give away or ignore and, in fact, if will come to define him in both his strengths and his weaknesses.  Thankfully, he has those who support and help him because he couldn't do it all alone.  As is so often over used but so often true these days - it is what it is.

In researching video footage of the line I came across a short song that articulates almost exactly how I'm feeling, and I suppose how I've felt for a long time:




When Aragon later tries to reassure Frodo that he has sworn to protect him and the ring so that he can fulfill this perilous mission Frodo asks, "Can you protect me from yourself?"  Again - very appropriate at the moment.

Some may look at all of this and think I'm in a dark place at the moment and I don't think that's really true although it's certainly not a rosy place, either.  I'm physically, emotionally, and intellectually lonely - that has been a constant for a long time now and I'm certainly not alone in that regard but that's a much deeper topic.  I don't dwell on it.  Being isolated in a city where I don't really know anybody requires that I find ways to be comfortable with myself and, again, that has been a constant for a long time as well.  I've done it for a long time and although I wish it were otherwise but I don't know if it ever will.   But for now it is what it is and I do what I do.

And all i really want
is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want 
is deliverance.

That day will eventually come.

It gets back to concepts that I find to be the most important that any of us cling to at our darkest times.  Hope.  Faith.



No matter how many times I watch this clip it never fails to bring tears to my eyes for a number of reasons.  One is that it cuts through all the drama and complication that passes itself off for life these days and gets back to the simplest, most innocent keys to living rather than merely existing.  Dreams really can (and do) come true.  The most important thing is to keep dreaming, to have faith, and to stop from time to time to re-ground with the simplest of things.  And I do.