Sunday, August 8, 2010


I got my hair "trimmed" the other day and the stylist spent a little time massaging my scalp and neck. Honest to God - I would have paid her the fee for a cut just to continue with the massage for a half hour or so. It was SO relaxing.

I've had fairly short hair for most of recent memory. One person even complimented me on my "courage" for having short hair - my courage is put to the test from time to time but it's has nothing to do with how long my hair is. I find it interesting how many people seem to equate femininity with hair length. I remember feeling similarly at the very beginning but I've learned my lessons to the contrary the hard way. Anyway - I'm just thankful that I've got hair to grow out.

At the same time, for several years before and after my transition I wouldn't touch a weight if you paid me. The thought of doing anything that risked buffing out my physique was unimaginable - again, my entire concept of masculinity and femininity was much different than it has grown to become over time. I don't think it's a stretch to admit that I'm in pretty good shape - all the training for wrestling and hiking and just "being" is simply part of my lifestyle at this point.

I mention this simply because I did a leg workout a couple of days ago from which I'm still still recovering. Squats. Ouch. I don't think it's age so much. I'd admit that it actually hurts in a good way except that might raise eyebrows. There something to be said for being connected to your body in a way where you can "feel".

I think most people - trans and not - have some sort of disconnect with their bodies. It seems to be a war sometimes, or at least a constant battle. I don't know how many people take the time to realize that they're just inhabiting the body and that and that their mind, their body, and their spirit are 3 separate things. The more that all three can find harmony the more "peace" one finds.

Another aspect of my journey that I didn't realize at the beginning was that it was very much about reconciling that dissonance - that mind/body/spirit thing. It seemed like is was a man/woman thing, a male/female thing, a body thing but the bigger picture is was an alignment thing with more moving parts than I realized, or could have realized, at the beginning.

One of the ironies is that many of us naively think our soul, or our spirit, or our mind stays stationary while our bodies change to align with the way that we think they have always been. The reality is that our spirits and our minds move, too - that the only changes happening aren't physical ones. There are lots of moving parts that are all trying to align. It affects our relationships, our jobs, our sense of ourselves and how we connect with the world, and our ability to continue to mature in healthy ways.

I'm sure that sounds like a bunch of gobbledy gook or psycho mumbo jumbo but it's not that simple. It makes sense to me and I suppose that's all that matters - trying to put it into words somehow over-simplifies things.

When I sat down to mention that my legs are sore from doing those squats yesterday I didn't expect all this to come out.  That's what I enjoy about writing - that you never really know what's going to come out.

One a lighter note I watched the "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" tonight.  I've actually had a pretty busy weekend.  All in all - good stuff.

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