Thursday, August 19, 2010

My Own Bed

Tonight will be the first night I spend in my own bed in a week.  Although I had a wonderful time in Ohio and with family in Rochester there's just something special about your own bed.  I almost forgot what the  magic of my bed felt like as it was in Phoenix while I was elsewhere over much of the past year.  But now that we've been reunited I really miss her when I'm gone.  :)

My sister and I "bonded" yesterday at the fitness center.  There aren't many people who can hang with me for a couple of hours in the gym but my sister did a great job.

I spent most of today flying.  First, to Chicago.  Then, the longer flight from Chicago to Phoenix.  Despite the fact that the flight was delayed it was still no big deal, we were an hour late.  They showed Shrek 3 on the plane - I hadn't seen it yet - so the time went quickly.

The biggest casualty of the past week was any semblance of my usually regimented diet.  The good news is that I balanced it all with some exercise but it'll be nice to get back to my usual regimen, starting tomorrow.  The second casualty was my sense of time.  I was up at 6 this morning, which is 3am here in Phoenix, and it's almost 10 as I write this so it has been a long day.  I made a special point of not sleeping on the plane so I could get a full night sleep tonight.

There has been quite a bit of talk lately about a new feature on Facebook where you can pinpoint exactly where you are at any point in time.  It will show you where your friends are, too.  I don't know about anyone else but that's one feature I won't be using.  I share the concerns that many have about privacy - there's a point where sharing becomes over-sharing.

There is a long article on Christine Daniels/Mike Penner in LA Weekly this week (read it here).  I don't think there's much there that hasn't already been said, and I still think the article in GQ was the best, most sensitive article written on this tragic tale.  Although this is a long article one sentence stands out for me:
Although many issues were at play at this point, one stood out: Penner repeatedly told friends his return to a male lifestyle was a last-ditch effort to reunite with his wife in some way.
I've seen many of us make that same mistake.  Hell - that's something I did as well before I realized that it just wouldn't work.

But the only thing more dangerous than not transitioning for the sake of someone else is DE-transitioning for the sake of someone.  It may seem like a positive thing, but the end results are rarely positive and sometimes fatal.  It's not a rational decision so much as an emotional one, although we tend to use rational arguments to try to explain it.

Let's be clear - once you say those words, once you out yourself as trans anything, your world is most probably changed.  Forever.  Irrevocably.  That's what makes it so difficult, because of the permanent  nature of it all.  And, once the stresses of our admission are compounded by our own guilt and fear and discomforts it can become easy to second guess ourselves.

I feel extremely fortunate to have survived my own aborted transition.  I can't even begin to describe the trauma of getting as close as I did before pulling the plug.  Thankfully I recognized that the problem wasn't in my own reality, it was in the misguided implementation of trying to make it work.  I also think that the way it all unfolded the first time set the stage for a much better understanding the second time.

Christine Daniels never gave herself that second chance.  As you read that story there's so much there to learn - so much that is personal to each of us.  It's just so tragic.

Anyway - I'll spend tomorrow getting back into my groove here again.  I've got a lot going on in the background that's not ready for prime-time yet.  I'm hoping that the next few days bring some clarity and direction.  We'll see....


Anonymous said...

Sleep tight!!

See Ally Go said...

Amen Sister. You cant take back that 'Honey I think I am trans...."