Life Transitions

Oct. 7, 2010

Transitions come in lots of flavors.  I'd argue that each of us is going through any number of them all the time.  We just don't take the time to recognize them as such.  I can see this as a transformative time in my own life, and events of the last few weeks have made that clear.

It has actually been a fascinating to see things as they are happening, and I think the magnitude of it all will become clear as events currently being worked unfold.  Big personal decisions to be made are on the horizon - decisions about life direction, priorities, and about life in general.

On Sunday it’ll be 10/10/10.  That’s like the binary equivalent of Nirvana.  I’m actually a little surprised there isn’t talk of some sort of digital melt-down on that day.

As I type this I’m in the air somewhere between DC and Dallas on my way home to Phoenix.  It’ll be nice to get home, although my stay there will only last a couple of days.

This trip was full of a number of important, perhaps even life-changing - events.  I had the chance to reconnect with some dear friends.  I met with some people to discuss the future (specifically, my future).  I took significant steps towards my next major life decisions – decisions that very likely will pull me out of Arizona again.  All things considered – these past 20 days have been a big deal.

Most recently I spent 3 full days this week doing trainings at a government agency in preparation for a workplace transition there.  I led 6 sessions over the 3 days and had a number of side meetings with various departments and groups as well.  The training was mandatory for all managers and senior level leaders, including the CEO, which was way cool.  There were two voluntary sessions for employees that were very well attended, and over the three days I’d say we talked to 250 people.

I was very impressed and especially enjoyed working with the team from the office of Inclusion and Civil Rights who arranged things.  After working with them over these past few weeks and, most recently, this week, I’ve come to enjoy working with them.  For a number of years I felt I’d eventually end up in the DC area and I’d even consider a job there – really - except that the commutes are crazy.  Yesterday I set my alarm for 4:25am, a friend drove me to a bus station at 6am, I took the bus to the metro, I took the metro into DC, and I took care of some things before we started the day’s trainings.  When we were done I did it all in reverse, except that there was also a mile walk to the Fitness Center added in.

I’ve been having flashbacks this week, comparing all the hubbub surrounding this event with my own emotional roller coaster during Donna’s first days at work 11 years ago this week.  Knowing what happens behind the scenes sometimes it’s a wonder any of us ever show up at work for our first day.  Honestly.  We tend to minimize the “courage” aspect of it but you can call it what you want – it takes Considering everything else that happened on this trip it’s pretty amazing just where the path can take you if you have the faith to let it happen.  I was talking with my mom last night now that I’ve finally got some time to breathe and we talked about how life and relationships are both like tides.  Sometimes the tide is out and you’re stranded on dry land.  But eventually the tides come back in and the world around you is water again.  Anyway, the tide is coming in.

I hear the weather in Arizona has been pretty crazy over the last few days.  The good news is that the forecast for the next ten days is nothing but sun and daytime highs ranging from the mid 80’s to the low 90’s.  Talk about Nirvana – that’s exactly the reason people are willing to endure the blast furnace of the summers.  This is the weather that’ll last thru next spring.  As I alluded to a little earlier – I may or may not be there to enjoy it.  In fact – there may be a real “winter” in my forecast again.

My own short-term forecast calls for a couple of down days in Arizona, enough time to unpack, do laundry, and re-pack before heading to New Orleans on Sunday.  I’m scheduled to speak at the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) Diversity Conference there.  The reason I enjoy these kinds of things is that it provides the opportunity to talk with people who often haven’t been exposed to the topic.  Out and Equal is great, but often times we’re preaching to the choir.  Opportunities to break out of the LGBT circle into more mainstream events are fun for me.  And I’ve only been to New Orleans once (back in 2003) so I’m looking forward to spending a couple of days there.

Oct. 8, 2010

I'm home.  It was wonderful to sleep in my own bed last night, although my time zone thing is all messed up.  I woke up at 3:30am and dozed on and off for the next few hours.  All this travel plays havoc with my internal clock.

I wanted to share a couple of news-worthy things today before getting to some of the things I need to do.

First is a story that just so happens to be timely in terms of my trip to DC.  It's about "gender neutral" bathrooms at Starbucks there.  I kind of bristle whenever people refer to single use bathrooms as transgender bathrooms because that's not the case.  Believe or not there's a Wikipedia page on "Public Toilets" that talks a little about the history and changes over the course of time.  In any event, these kinds of things are happening across the country - not just in Starbucks.  I doubt that this particular symbol is the international symbol for "unisex" but I actually find it kind of amusing.

Does any of us from my generation ever think we'd see a day where we'd be having these kinds of conversations?  Not me.  One of my favorite memories from these past few years is when I attended the Trans Law Conference at Harvard.  There was a reception in the Faculty Club, a very high-class place, and there were paper signs taped over the bathroom signs indicating that all the bathrooms were to be unisex for that event.  I doubt they'd ever seen that there before.

The Out and Equal Workplace Summit 2010 in LA is ending as I type this.  I'm sorry I missed it because I look forward to seeing friends and reconnecting there.  It's a little like SCC in that regard for me.  But this week I was working in DC so being in two places at the same time become problematic.

That brings me to the second topic.  I want to share an explanation by Meghan Stabler about the new Corporate Equality Index criteria as they relate to transgender benefits (read it here).  I invite anyone who has questions to contact her.  This is some big stuff - especially the part about removing ALL trans-related exclusions in at least one health plan.  Just to show how this is working, one friend who works for Bank of America texted me yesterday so say that there was a blurb on the internal BofA website dedicated to the fact that the company was covering 80% of the costs of trans-related surgeries which is the same that it covers for other procedures.  The fact that companies are (a) recognizing the exclusions, (b) making efforts to remove them, and (c) making public disclosures about that as opposed to keeping it hush-hush is huge.

When we first published the wellness requirements in the CEI several years ago a company only had to achieve 2 of 5 to get full credit.  Although there were some in the community who were critical that we set the bar too low there were a number of practical and necessary reasons for that.  This next step is the bold step that we envisioned at the time and it's another big step.

One last thing.  There is a trans-woman here in the Valley that many of us have known for many years.  She was active long before I started my first tentative steps to come to peace with myself a dozen or more years ago and many of us knew her as a dear, caring, wonderful, giving, gentle soul.  She has never been able to fully transition for a number of reasons but lived most of her life as her authentic self to the point that most of us never knew her as anyone else.

The struggles that we face take a real toll.  A mental toll, a physical toll.  She struggled with heart issues in recent years but always faced them with grace and dignity.  She was married and her kids all knew about her unique gift.   Anyway - she died suddenly last Friday.

The reason this has relevance here is that this person was a friend to many of us - in fact, she was a friend to the entire community.  Her passing affected many her in significant and profound ways, and we looked forward to saying good-bye at a memorial service that was being planned.  That is, until we were told that the wife didn't want any transgender people there and that they would be burying her as her male self.

When I landed last night I didn't go home as I probably should have.  A friend picked me up, I met a group of friends for dinner, and I went to a support group meeting where people could share stories and feelings on the passing of this gentle friend.  One of the over-riding emotions was anger.  There was anger that we were being prevented from saying good-bye to someone who, in life, would have wanted that.  There was anger that this person was being sent into the hereafter in a way that was inconsistent with the way she lived her life.  And, there was recognition that this could happen to any of us.

I've known people who have transitioned at later stages in life specifically because they want to go out of this world as the person that they've always known themselves to be but had never had the chance to show.  And here we have someone who has control to deny that based on their own discomforts.  It's just plain wrong.

If any of us has specific ideas about how we want to be remembered, about how we want to go out of this world, it's important to (a) document them and (b) make sure that someone we trust has them.  Otherwise, any of us is open to indignities in death that we spent a lifetime overcoming.  There are important lessons here.  But most of all, there is sadness at the passing of a friend whose efforts became part of others on this same road and in that way she will not be forgotten.  Her legacy is safe.