Thursday, March 15, 2012

Wearing Weary

If I thought I was exhausted on Friday, I'm not quite sure how much lower in energy I could get to Monday evening.  I made the mistake of wrestling training (hard) two days in a row - something I try to avoid simply because my body takes that much time to recharge itself after going through the intensity of my training sessions.  But for a number of reasons I went Sunday AND Monday, and by the time I got home Monday night I was on E.  Literally.  I cried for the first time in a long time.

Every once in a while I get these reminders that my considerable energy reserves do have limits.  And from time to time I can't help but stop and ask myself what the hell I'm doing putting myself thru this.  What am I trying to prove?  What is the driving force?  Why have I forced myself to lose almost 8 pounds in the last week, and have a seeminly impossible 8 more to go by April 1?  Just.....why??

Like many things in life, I have no answer.  It just is.  I'm past a point of letting a down moment define something that inherently involves ups and downs.  I'm a 50+ year old senior citizen competing in a sport made for college-aged athletes, that involves significant mental and physical punishment, and that is inherently dangerous to even the most skilled athletes.  And although I rarely stop to think of it like that I did on Monday.  I was exhausted.  No more gas in the tank.  Drained.  Done.

The good news is that the storm was over by Tuesday morning.  Now I'm recovering energy-wise. And mentally.   

Work has been crazed, too.  I can't go into too much detail because of the nature of the work I do, but suffice to say that being in a position of both leadership and accountability in a political environment involving millions of dollars is full of fire-drills and drama.  I'm still very much enjoying what I do; that hasn't changed.  But yesterday I got to work before 7 (still dark out - don't like Daytime Savings Time in the morning) and didn't leave until after 6 (still light out - like Daytime Savings Time in the evenings).  But what I'm doing is not for the faint of heart, can't hold their own in an environment full of strong personalities and differing agendas, are unable to make commitments based on partial information, or who can't collaborate.   So far so good, but it can feel like herding pirhannas sometimes.

I don't cry very often.  I feel like crying far more than I actually let myself cry.  And when I do cry I don't like doing it in front of people.  I can only think of a half-dozen people who have seen me actually do it over the past 40+ years.  Every once in a while I can feel it building and something simple can set it off.  I suppose it's a necessary release and I'm actually thankful that it's something I can do.  I'm also thankful I don't do it very often...

One song that can set if off in me for some reason was a freebie on iTunes that I listen over and over sometimes.  Given the right introspective mood, it hits home in me in a unique way.  It's by singer named Audrey Assad titled "The House You're Building".

Some of the Lyrics:
Yeah these are old shoes that I've been walking in
I'm wearing weary like it's a second skin
I've been looking for a place to lay my head

All this time like a vagabond
A homeless stranger
I've been wandering
All my life you've been calling me
To a home you know I've been needing

I'm a broken stone
So lay me in the house you're building

I just picked up my glasses and recorded a little video just for the fun of it earlier this week.  I'll share it here.

A little blurb I recorded on my iPhone this morning...

A little blurb I recorded on my iPhone this morning...

Spring is springing around here.  It's supposed to be 82 sunny degrees today, and warmer tomorrow.  I hope it lasts thru the weekend.

That's it for today.  Nothing too profound.  Just a little update.


Sophie Lynne said...

You look great in glasses!

You get used to them. I've been wearing them since 3rd grade, back when they all looked like Buddy Holly glasses.

Sending positive energy your way!

Mae West said...

You, a senior citizen? Get outta here! You have more than a few years to go to get there. I'm glad you're getting your energy back and Happy St. Patrick's Day!