Saturday, September 21, 2013

I Didn't Do It

I feel no need to be first in anything.  I've been first's over-rated.

I'm not in any hurry to upgrade my Apple mobile devices to iOS 7.  People at work were discussing today - they did it.  I chatted with some friends yesterday.  They did it too.  I didn't do it.  I'm in no hurry.

I'm in Boulder, CO this morning on my next adventure.  I drove the 550 miles here yesterday after work and will head back tomorrow afternoon.  I haven't seen my son since February and past attempts have been derailed for one reason or another so I'm looking forward to seeing him.  Per my last post - enjoy the things in your life while you can.  Let them know they matter.  Or, let them go to make room to  embrace things that do.   My son is at the top of that list.

Last weekend there were horrendous floods here.  This weekend is just beautiful - bright blue sky this morning, crisp sunny first-day-of-fall kind of weather.  The hotel is full, mostly with people who have either been displaced by the floods or work crews from around the country that are here to clean it up.

One of the things about driving - it provides ample time to think.  I think about lots of things....perhaps sometimes I overthink them but that's ok.  I recognize road-thinking is not always logical thinking.

I've realized that I'm feeling conflicted about some of the things in my world.  My job is one....

I'm enjoying my job - I really am.  Although I don't broadcast what I do here because of the nature of it - those who know more understand why - but I came all the way from Charleston specifically to do it and it hasn't disappointed.  It's way cool.  I'm enjoying the people I work with.  I have no complaints at all about where I'm living.  All things considered, the conundrum of that might not be apparent.

BUT (it's always about the but...) I'm not looking forward to winter more than I can express.  And I miss being home - my friends, the ocean, the Low Country in general.  Giving this all up to go back to Charleston at some point will be a more difficult conundrum than I thought when I first started.  But life is sometimes full of conundrums.  Over the course of a lifetime it's how you deal with them that determines life path...

But I'll cross that bridge if and when I get there.  So far so good in all ways that matter.

The headlights of my life don't really shine that far.  Typically, they're only a couple of weeks into the future.  And even then - things happen.  Well - plans are made, and plans get broken.  We shall see.

In an intriguing development I'm not willing to explain in more detail, I am opening myself to some possibilities I've been closed to in the past.  Although I'm not sure where that will lead, it's part of that headlight thing.  I guess I'll see when I reach that point....

Several friends were deeply affected by the passing of Lisa Empanada.  It was tragic, but as one friend noted...she had mourned and now it's time to move on.  I find several elements of her passing important for all of us.  First - you can't tell from outward indications how deep demons go sometimes.  Lisa seemed to have it all, and she was a friend, a sister, and an inspiration to many.  Yet - the way she died wasn't a spur-of-the moment decision.  It required planning, and time to execute.  I'm not saying that anyone or anything could have saved her from herself.  What I'm saying is that we need to be extra vigilant with one another to see signs.

A second point - Lisa was in a position of significant visibility.  With great power comes great responsibility.  I think that's why this has created such significant shock-waves - because it scares people that if it could happen to her it can happen to them.  There is additional pressure with that kind of visibility, tho.  One time Jenny Boylan asked me who Elvis turns to when he's depressed or in need of help or advice, and I don't have that answer.  As I think more about it, I don't know that I've got any one person in my life who I'd rely on in my darkest hours...not sure if that's a good thing or not but it just is (good thing I don't have many dark hours lately).  Perhaps some of my thinking is along the needs of needing to find a person (or persons) to fill that void.  Not sure....

And lastly, it can't be over-emphasized how difficult a life being trans can be.  I saw a story on the morning news here about a high school girl in California who became homecoming queen (story here).  The reason it's newsworthy, specifically, is that she's trans.  The importance of those kinds of social advances is huge, but when the lights fade and it's time to get a job, and pay bills, and deal with bigotry and prejudice, and find intimacy - well - much of the excitement of the moment can fade.  It would be inappropriate to assume that everything "bad" that happens in our lives is somehow due to our trans nature.  But I don't think it can be under-emphasized either.  All I can do is hope that the changes in the world that made it possible for her to do this wonderful thing will continue to open doors for her to live a happy, fulfilling life.

I felt a long time ago that part of the Day of Remembrance should include recognition of those in our community who lost their lives in ways other than to brutality or violence.  There's a conflict there, though, as glorifying the Final Exit somehow makes it more appealing, or valid, as an option to some.  Regardless, over the course of the last decade I can name a dozen or more people I've known who aren't here anymore and I suspect that number will continue to grow for as long as I'm around.  That's why it has been so important to be active - because in order for that to change life has got to get better from a young age.

Anyway - that's pretty heavy stuff for a beautiful Saturday morning in Colorado so I'm going to head off to have breakfast with my son.  The best any of us can do is to live our lives, to pursue our passions, to enjoy what we have while we can, and to realize that change is always on the horizon.  The rest? happens.

1 comment:

paintsnfun said...

You and I have talked about this before.....finding some way to manage the delicate balance between enjoying the freedom and spontaneity and joy involved in being single with the loneliness of it, especially at certain times. Most of the time, over the last few years, I've grown to enjoy being single.

But then, other times it's hard. I've had to make and am still trying to make some major decisions recently in several aspects of my life, related to finances, housing, relocating or not relocating, changing employment or careers, etc. In these moments it would be wonderful to have someone who could share in all of these choices, or at least discuss on a deep level about them.

I would still love to find a life partner. I do a fair amount of dating. But I just can't seem to find the soulmate I long for. I had someone like that in my old life....but my transition was too much for her, which I understand. Living in the ultra-conservative part of the country where I do, my optimism about finding someone who will deal with my history is limited. I'm still hopeful.