Unfazed

I saw a quote today that I like:

Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of  things which matter least.

For reasons I don't plan to explain, it has particular relevance for me today.  It's a reminder about priorities, and perspective.

If it's Tuesday, then I must have gotten out of bed at 3:45am, been on the road by 4:15, and driven the 300 miles to Raleigh for work.  It is, and I did.

I'm at the hotel where I usually stay when I'm here, decompressing and waiting for my laundry to be done so I can get to bed.  I've been at this hotel for > 20 nights this year.  I don't even have to check in anymore - they just have an envelope with my key in it.  I'm not sure that's a good thing....

Compared to last week at this time I'm actually feeling pretty unphazed by the long day, and by all that has happened over the last couple of days in general.  The combination of pharmaceuticals, rest, time, and cough drops helped immeasurably.   But I'm still not 100% and I don't want to make it worse.   I'm trying to lay low.

The exciting news of the day for me isn't the fact that Kate Middleton is pregnant, or that a linebacker for the Kansas City Chiefs did something horrific, or even that the realities of the "fiscal cliff "become more imminent with each passing day.  It's the fact that "Gender Identity Disorder" will be removed from the DSM-V (story here).

As far as I'm concerned, this is huge huge huge.  It's more than symbolic.  It's more than substantial.  I doubt the true value will be appreciated for a while - until it's considered in the context of time.   I've written my thoughts on it here for years - and here it is.

Regardless of what happened with the DSM there are those who will be unhappy - that it didn't go far enough, that it's not perfect.  I agree (to a point), and respect all perspectives.  But I, for one, am not going to let what it's not taint what it is.  I'm thrilled that future generations will not have to live with the stigma that is inherent to something officially deemed as a "Disorder".  This hasn't happened by itself.  It is testament to the hard work of many, and it will continue to evolve.

Enough about that, for now.

The fact that I'm living the life that I am is my own miracle.  I enjoy my job to the point I'm willing to go to ridiculous lengths just to do it.  I'm living where I want to live, there are usually more things I want to do in a day than time to do them.  I'm living a life that even I could never have imagined.  As far as I'm concerned that's how things change.  Part of it is by having a voice and by speaking up and I've done my part in that regard.  But another part is simply by living and doing and being.  That's where I am now.

I'm at a couple of mid-life decision points.  For example, I've been a Canon photographer since my earliest FTb - when I had a black and white darkroom in my basement before my first puberty.  Here I am - seriously considering switching to Nikon...

I miss seeing good live music.  I think the last concert I went to was David Gray in Asheville in September.  I've got a ticket to see Keb 'Mo in Charleston on Friday, and the Hall and Oates next week.    My musical cup runneth over.  I should also acknowledge that I refuse to listen to any radio station in my car playing Christmas music....there's just too much of it everywhere else.

I can't believe my son will be 27 years old two weeks from tomorrow.  How does that happen?  I'm trying to come to grips with that fact that he is now half as old as I am (he's turning 27 - I'll be 54).  Crazy.

All things considered - some good and some bad over these past couple of days.  But there are always reasons for things so that will play itself out over the next few days and weeks.  In the meantime...I've got a couple more days in Raleigh before heading home.

Simpler?

I saw a picture on FB that said "Tears are 1% water, and 99% emotion".  Although I've had lots of emotion that has needed an outlet I haven't cried in a while.  That is, until yesterday morning.

The thing that set it off actually kinda surprised me as I didn't see it coming.  I was drinking my morning coffee, and it was a story on the morning news that started it.



It reminds me of the first time I cried after beginning my transition.  I hadn't cried in well over 30 years, and I was driving home from the movie "Aliens".  Life at my house was hell so I was constantly looking for things to do to NOT be home - I went to the movies that night.  The onslaught of estrogen, the sadness of what was happening to my marriage, and the complicated emotions from the early days of transition combined with a pretty unlikely movie to cause a crying eruption unlike anything I had ever done before....I was driving and had to pull over until I was calm enough to get going again.

Yesterday's eruption wasn't nearly that dramatic, but it was cathartic.  There's still more that needs to come, but for the moment I'm feeling pretty good about it.

I also went to the doctor - again - yesterday.  The most affecting symptom in my world right now is lack of energy although pressure in my front sinuses, watery eyes, and a scratchy throat all lend to a pretty sluggish me.  She put me on some new meds and I'll admit to feeling getter this morning.  Part of me wanted to go to the gym today but the wiser part of me said no...that it's still too early.  So, here I am.

My life would be so much simpler, I think, if I just moved to Raleigh.  But then again, my life would be "simpler" if I had or hadn't done alot of things in life.  I've come to accept that simple isn't one of the key elements by which to make significant life decisions.  Other decisions?  Perhaps.  But although I realize there's some notion that seems to equate simplicity to the natural way of things my experience proves to the contrary.

Today is the first day I've had to just "be" in quite a while.  I'm cleaning, and sorting, and unpacking, and throwing stuff away.  I stopped at some stores this morning (before things got too crazed) but now I'm just at home enjoying being in Charleston.  I can't explain the simple joy I feel when my GPS knows where I am, and I pull up out front and it tells me that I'm Home.

The city is getting itself all prettied up for Christmas, and there are lots of visitors along E. Bay this afternoon.  I suspect that Market St., and King St. are even crazier.  There's some kind of Holiday Parade downtown here this afternoon, and there's a tree lighting event in the big part on Elliott St. so I'm happy just staying put.

There's an article in the current edition of The Charleston City Paper talking about the fact that Charleston is a nice place (read it here).  Raleigh is a nice place, too, and I'm sure if I gave it a chance it would probably grow on me.  But I'm already "taken" in that regard, so it is what it is.

Back to my original statement about life being simpler if I moved closer to where my job is, the fact of the matter is that I just need to keep myself from getting too over-extended.  The rest will work itself out.  Do you know how much it costs to fly the 300 miles between Charleston and Raleigh?  $700!  That's crazy.  I could go to Europe for less.  I could do Amtrak - that's reasonable - and have started investigating options in that regard so at least I'm not driving quite so much.

I'm good for today.  Thankfully.  Tomorrow?  We'll see when it gets here....

A Good Place to Start

I realized earlier today that I don't think I've spent more than 2 consecutive nights in the same place in several weeks.  Whether it's Charleston, Raleigh, or some of the other places that I've had to go recently  I've achieved Platinum and Elite status at a number of hotel chains, and that's not necessarily a good thing.

I also find I drive, on average, upwards of 1,000 miles a week - give or take a hundred miles depending on whatever happens to be happening.  There's a triangle of cities where I find myself and most of the time I'm so focused on doing what I need to do I don't think about the impact that it all has.

Well - I've been feeling like crap lately.  Pressure in the sinuses.  Watery eyes.  Dull headache.  No energy.  And the speed of life I've been living doesn't provide one of the main ingredients of getting better.  Rest.

None of that is a complaint.  My career is going crazy.  Over the last couple of days we've had to account for $2.4 million dollars of a government grant in a project that stalled a while ago and I've gotten back on track - so knowing how much is left and what has been spent on what although very few people who were originally involved are still there has been more like detective work than anything.  It has actually been fairly fascinating.

On another front I've got a million dollar project that's the first phase of a paradigm-shift for a major tech player going into production in two weeks so we're getting all those loose ends tied off, keeping all our stakeholders calm, and managing expectations.  It's the culmination of much of my effort in Raleigh over these past several months....and I'm ultimately responsible.

That's why my feeling like crap over these past couple of weeks has been such a hassle.  I can't do all of this with less than full energy.  And although it was great to spend some time with mom, the Thanksgiving day trip to Dallas and back didn't help.

I realize all this has put me out of balance.  I've said that several times recently and I'm ok with it for some period of time.  But the reality is that now is the time to work on some longer-term plans that aren't nearly so frenetic, that allow for a more stable world, and that provide the opportunity to enjoy the slice of heaven where I live.

Those conversations started this week.  What about the future?  What parts of this are flexible enough to fit into it, and what parts aren't?  It won't change until something makes it change - either I get myself sick, or I can't juggle it all and start dropping the ball, or someone makes a decision.  As I said in my last post - I own that.

I don't define myself by my career.  Those who have followed this blog for any period of time will recognize the ebb and flow there, as well.  I took most of the summer off to enjoy some "me" time expecting that a time of very little "me" time would necessarily be involved at some point.  Well, this is that point.

I've been a consultant for a long time - partly because I need the flexibility and partly because I enjoy doing different things.  There are benefits to that kind of life, but costs as well.  So - one of the costs recently involves going home to a hotel after work or driving a hundred miles or more.

Tonight I'm home for the first time since I left here at 3am Monday morning.  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow because the antibiotics and the nasal spray hasn't chased this "yuck" feeling away.  I don't know that there's anything she can do to help....she's going to tell me I need to rest.  My goal is to spend at least 3 nights here at home - that'd be a good place to start.

It's going to be 70+ degrees here this weekend.  That's my kind of December.  I'm going to slow my life down and enjoy it...I own that, too.

I own it

So...I'm in Raleigh.  And I'm not happy.

I'm tired, my sinusitis is still hanging on so I feel like crap, I've got a headache, I want to be home, and I'm just generally ready to bite a head off.  It's probably not good to make significant decisions with that kind of dynamic going on but I do, and I am.

All this craziness over the past few weeks has caught up with me and I'm done.  I've got a 1:1 with my management later today that will include eliminating a significant portion of my unbalance. 

I can generally balance it all ok.  But at the moment my tolerance for it isn't high.  It's self-inflicted, and it won't change unless someone makes it change.  I will make it change, one way or another.  I own it.

That's one of those life things - just own it.  It's one thing to say it when you don't have other options but I'd argue that there are almost always other options for those creative and daring enough to make them. 

Regardless - I own this.  And it should be an interesting day. 

List People

I've spoken in the past about how some relationships in our lives are like tides....sometimes in, and strong.  Sometimes out and distant - sometimes for a significant period of time.

But when you get back together again - regardless of time or distance between encounters - it's just like it always always was.  Strong.  Comfortable.  Significant.

That's how I feel about my bed.  We were reunited again last night, if even if simply for a night or two, and man-oh-man was it nice.  I slept like a baby.  I woke and lay for a while to simply soak it in.  And I made her with care knowing I'll need to hit the road again but she'll be here waiting.

The trip home yesterday was long and uneventful, and I really have no complaints  I got to the airport early, both to avoid potential delays of traffic or crowds (there was none) and to try to get an earlier flight (couldn't).  So, by the time I landed at 9:30 it seemed that I had been gone for far longer than simply the two days over Thanksgiving.  No matter.  It's nice to be home.

I'm a list person.  I do better when I make lists.  I realize that my iPhone can do lists, too, and I sometimes use her for that.  But in some ways I'm still old fashioned so a piece of paper and a pen are still the two important ingredients of making a list for me.  I think I get it from my mom - I mentioned that she had a list of things for me to do while I was there - and I can remember them from my entire life with her.  Now I do them.

Anyways, I've got a list for today and every few minutes I think of something new and add it.  If this keeps up I'm going to need to start writing on the back of it.  It's not even 7am and I'm getting ready to head out to work on my list.

I expect to update this later....once I've gotten into my list and back home.  :)

The Thanks

Nov. 22 - Thanksgiving Day

As I type this I'm in the air somewhere between Atlanta and Dallas. It's Thanksgiving 2012, and as I've mentioned I'm on my way to spend the holiday with my mom. Honestly, there isn't much that could have pulled me out of bed in Charleston at 3:30am today. I was exactly where I wanted to be, doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. But here I am....in between naps.

As I always do, I'll take time to give thanks. I'm thankful for my health, for my life, for the people in my life, and for each day. I'm thankful for people who come and go through my life, carried in and out by circumstance and life flow. Some people come into our lives and then leave, and I think its important to appreciate those connections.

I'm thankful for the many blessings I enjoy but probably take for granted. And I'm thankful for potential - for possibilities that lay ahead.


Nov 24 - DFW Airport

I can't believe that it's only two days since I started this trip.  I'm at the airport...waiting to fly home.  I got here with plenty of extra time to spare not knowing how busy things would be but it's really not all that bad.  As I type this I'm having Soup and Salad in a TGI Fridays embedded in the airport.

The weather for this trip has been stellar....bright sunny skies, warm days.  For some reason I'm chilly so coffee and soup are on my lunch menu.  I think the crud that was making me feel yucky a few weeks ago is still hanging on - hasn't totally gone away.

Everything about the trip was wonderful.  Every single thing.  I'm glad I came.  But I'm looking forward to being at home again, too.  These seem like the best kinds of trips.

Thanksgiving day was crazed.  To finish what I had started writing, I was up early early early to fly to Dallas.  I landed at 8:30, and finally got to my mom's around 10.  Traditionally, I'm the Thanksgiving cook so I  sent mom a shopping list earlier in the week and as soon as I got in the house and we had a few minutes to relax it was time to start slicing, mixing, stuffing, stirring, baking, and generally trying to ensure everything got done at the same time.

Mission accomplished.  Wonderful, wonderful meal.  But by 9pm I was stuffed, tired, and relaxed.  It was great to see mom.  She seems none the worse for her pacemaker procedure from a few weeks ago. And, thanks to a really wonderful man in her life, she's the happiest I've seen in a long, long time.

I was up before 5am on Black Friday, and at the mall less than an hour later.

I wish I could explain why I keep doing the Black Friday thing but there really is no rational reason.  I didn't need anything.  I wasn't busting down the door for anything.  I'll admit that I did buy a few things but I'd be hard pressed to argue that there's anything sensible about getting up at that hour that would make it worthwhile to shop.  For anything.  But there I am - pretty much every year.

There were several highlights.  I went to the MAC store and chatted with someone for a half hour - got some things I can't get at the MAC store in Charleston.  I bought myself a ring.  My favorite silversmith jeweler is there and I don't own much jewelry.  But each year I'll pick something that catches my eye or feels symbolic.  The price point is $50.

This year I got a pinky ring....a simple, interlocked chain.  The beauty is in it's simplicity, in it's unending-ness.  It's so comfortable I forget I'm even wearing it.

My pinky ring, and a tired Donna on Black Friday.

As I say - there's symbolism to it.  And, just between you and me, at some point I can see myself giving it away to someone.  I don't have a "who" or a "why" in mind at the moment....but for some reason I can imagine that.  We'll see.

Mom had a long list of things for me to do to help, as usual.  I brought the Christmas decorations down out of the attic.  I washed her hair for her.  I moved her summer clothes to the spare bedroom and her winter clothes to take their place.  She needed some help on her PC so I helped there, too.  All in all, we got quite a bit done over the short time I was there.  It's good "bonding" stuff.

So now - my flight is scheduled to leave in 50 minutes so I better make my way over to the gate.  I'm hopeful that the next words you'll hear from me are from home.  But the stay will be a short one - I've got a crazy work week ahead.  That's ok.  I'm feeling good right now so I'll face it when it comes.

My speed of life is pretty brisk right now.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

Off we go

I'm home in Charleston.  The weather is...well....perfect.  High in the upper 60's and sunny for the foreseeable future.

Thankfully, the drive back from Raleigh yesterday afternoon wasn't too crazy which was a relief.  Driving anywhere on Thanksgiving week can become a challenge, but thankfully the roads were good, the trucks were good, my truck behaved, and I pulled into Charleston early enough to have a late dinner here.

For some reason I'm a little anxious about the trip to Dallas.  I just printed out my boarding passes...boarding time is friggin' 4:50am.  That's insane.  On Thanksgiving Day?  I suppose I should be looking forward to it but as I've mentioned all the way along I'd rather be home enjoying the day than traveling again.  Ugh.

I'm about to unpack from the last trip and re-pack for the next one.  I'm just got back from the gym where I did a little pre-Thanksgiving penance.  I've got a few other minor things to do....all in all I really can't believe that Thanksgiving is happening tomorrow.

I flew to Dallas last year the day before Thanksgiving - as in, a year ago today, - and it was snowing.  Not flurries snowing....but several inches worth of blowing snow snowing. Not cool.  Thankfully, this year the weather appears to be much more hospitable.

I'll be shopping early on Friday - it's a bit of a tradition.  There nothing I really want or need but it has just become something to do.  I've got a couple of things on my list of "To Do", but last year I bought so much stuff I actually needed to buy a Door-Buster deal on a suitcase to get all my stuff home.  Thankfully, I don't expect a similar experience this year.

I'll keep this short, as I've got packing to do and some early sleeping to get to.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day - so I'll close by wishing everyone a very Happy and Safe Thanksgiving, wherever you are!