I saw a picture on FB that said "Tears are 1% water, and 99% emotion". Although I've had lots of emotion that has needed an outlet I haven't cried in a while. That is, until yesterday morning.
The thing that set it off actually kinda surprised me as I didn't see it coming. I was drinking my morning coffee, and it was a story on the morning news that started it.
It reminds me of the first time I cried after beginning my transition. I hadn't cried in well over 30 years, and I was driving home from the movie "Aliens". Life at my house was hell so I was constantly looking for things to do to NOT be home - I went to the movies that night. The onslaught of estrogen, the sadness of what was happening to my marriage, and the complicated emotions from the early days of transition combined with a pretty unlikely movie to cause a crying eruption unlike anything I had ever done before....I was driving and had to pull over until I was calm enough to get going again.
Yesterday's eruption wasn't nearly that dramatic, but it was cathartic. There's still more that needs to come, but for the moment I'm feeling pretty good about it.
I also went to the doctor - again - yesterday. The most affecting symptom in my world right now is lack of energy although pressure in my front sinuses, watery eyes, and a scratchy throat all lend to a pretty sluggish me. She put me on some new meds and I'll admit to feeling getter this morning. Part of me wanted to go to the gym today but the wiser part of me said no...that it's still too early. So, here I am.
My life would be so much simpler, I think, if I just moved to Raleigh. But then again, my life would be "simpler" if I had or hadn't done alot of things in life. I've come to accept that simple isn't one of the key elements by which to make significant life decisions. Other decisions? Perhaps. But although I realize there's some notion that seems to equate simplicity to the natural way of things my experience proves to the contrary.
Today is the first day I've had to just "be" in quite a while. I'm cleaning, and sorting, and unpacking, and throwing stuff away. I stopped at some stores this morning (before things got too crazed) but now I'm just at home enjoying being in Charleston. I can't explain the simple joy I feel when my GPS knows where I am, and I pull up out front and it tells me that I'm Home.
The city is getting itself all prettied up for Christmas, and there are lots of visitors along E. Bay this afternoon. I suspect that Market St., and King St. are even crazier. There's some kind of Holiday Parade downtown here this afternoon, and there's a tree lighting event in the big part on Elliott St. so I'm happy just staying put.
There's an article in the current edition of The Charleston City Paper talking about the fact that Charleston is a nice place (read it here). Raleigh is a nice place, too, and I'm sure if I gave it a chance it would probably grow on me. But I'm already "taken" in that regard, so it is what it is.
Back to my original statement about life being simpler if I moved closer to where my job is, the fact of the matter is that I just need to keep myself from getting too over-extended. The rest will work itself out. Do you know how much it costs to fly the 300 miles between Charleston and Raleigh? $700! That's crazy. I could go to Europe for less. I could do Amtrak - that's reasonable - and have started investigating options in that regard so at least I'm not driving quite so much.
I'm good for today. Thankfully. Tomorrow? We'll see when it gets here....