Monday, December 17, 2012

Lightning, then calm.

A loud peel of thunder just made it's way down my street.  A bright light, followed by an immediate rrrrriiiipppppp-boooooooom!  Now, it's raining and the thunder and lightning is much more "normal".  Ironically, I was waiting for my power to flicker off and I got a note on my iPhone saying there's a Severe Thunderstorm Warning.  Um.  I know.

I'm in Charleston, today.  I can hardly walk.  On Saturday I decided to start working some muscles I haven't focused on in a while.  My calfs.  So now that I'm focusing on my legs more I spent some time working my calves.  And, in my "go big or go home" kinda way I apparently overdid it.  It didn't hurt yesterday.  But today?  Oh my God.  It feels like knives stabbing  them.  I spent a half hour massaging them and that helped a little.  It has made me realize that one thing I don't have here is a bathtub.

It's surreal that next week today will be Christmas Eve.  Between now and then I'll drive to Raleigh for 3 days and back, and the weekend will be another weekend.  My son's birthday is the day after tomorrow.  He'll be 27.  27 friggin years old!!  Then 15th anniversary of my dad's death is the end of next week.  He's been gone for 15 years.  My dad.  How can that be?

It seems we always talk about the passage of time.  But starting now - as in - this week - thru the end of the year - my life becomes full of life anniversaries that have helped to shape me in very profound, ways.

I change during the Holidays.  I know I do.  And I apologize in advance to anyone I might bite between now and then.  I become fairly solitary.  I turn inwards.  I don't let the way that other people choose to celebrate it derail my own experience of it.   I realize that the Holidays can be tough and I've come to peace that it is fitting to end the year with these kinds of quiet, reflective, opportunities.

I haven't even left yet and I'm already looking forward to getting home and nesting on Thursday.

Anyways, the storm has passed.  Things are quiet again in downtown Charleston.  I'll need to start packing for my trip, I'll watch a little TV, and I'll be in bed by 9 or 9:30.  I'll be on the road by 5:30 in the morning, so 12 hours from now comes quickly.  Too quickly.  Time doesn't slow down for any of us....

I was thinking the other night about what I'm missing in life right now.  I miss my mom's fruit cake.  I realize that there's a negative "aura" to fruit cake but my mom used her grand-mother's recipe and for years her cakes were definitive of of Christmas for me.

I miss my sister's Christmas cookies.  The closest I've had recently was one that a friend's daughter made but these aren't things you can buy.  There's something more to it than that.  I may spend some time on Christmas making some of my own.

Some things don't seem to change.  For example, I graduated from Syracuse University in 1981 in in all my years there we had one head basketball coach.  Jim Boeheim.  Well, Jim is still there - still doing what he did all those years ago.  He has coached athletes there, and then eventually coached their sons. As he closes in on 900 victories, and eventually becomes the winningest coach in NCAA basketball history he remains one of those reminders that some things can and do last.  SU has moved up to #3 in the most recent coaches poll and we're currently playing Detroit.  Go 'Cuse!

Another interesting skin.  For all the years I didn't take care of my face you'd think it'd be a mess at this stage of life.  It's not.  There's not a day go by that I don't moisturize now - it's just part of getting ready for the day - and I'm constantly amazed at how smooth it is.  That said, age is certainly taking a toll on it and if I do have one more "procedure" left it'll be to tighten up the extra skin that covered all the facial bone that was removed.

I watched the president's remarks at the Elementary School where the kids were slaughtered in CT yesterday.  He is incredibly eloquent, and both his words and the way he said them really hit home.  As I said in my original post on the subject I find these things to be symptoms of much deeper problems and I hold out hope that we, collectively, have those discussions.  I perceive the current discussion on gun control as the solution as a knee-jerk, simplistic, reaction.

As a gun owner myself I certainly have feelings on the issue, but I'm far from what I'd consider to be a radical in that regard.  Watching some of the current conversations on FB on that particular issue is very heated....I'm not wading into any of that.  One of my own ironies is that I don't think that I'd own one if I weren't trans.  I was never around them growing up, and actually I never felt vulnerable before.  At my first support group meeting a number of the girls were discussing that fact and it scared me a little bit.  Now, I get it.

I believe that if someone gets it in their mind to do something horrible - they'll find a way.  Part of that is the price we pay for some of the freedoms we enjoy.

Back to the main theme....time happens.  It's a constant.  I'm committed to ensuring that I make the most of the time I've got.  My bucket list is very real, and my biggest goal for 2013 is to got to Europe.  The rest....well, we'll see how it unfolds.

1 comment:

Sophie Lynne said...

I also tend to withdraw during the holidays but for different reasons.

If nothing else, i don't want to be the Scrooge ruining everyone's holidays as I battle my Marleys.

I always wondered about transpeople and guns. I mean- up until just recently, wasn't GID considered a mental disored that prohibited gun ownership? (I'm not too versed in that)