No Whining (or, I Want it All)

I like to think I'm not a whiner.  I don't complain much.  What's the point?  Of course, something like that is always subjective but that's what I think, anyway.

That said, I feel like crap.  When you're in the hospital they sometimes ask you to rate your "discomfort" (in doctor-speak, that's the nice word for pain) on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being almost nothing and 10 being the most intense pain you can imagine.  Well, on a scale of 1 to 10 my "discomfort index" right now is probably only a 4 or a 5 - I've felt lots worse - but it's no fun.  I feel lots worse than last night.  Stuffy nose, sneezing, watery eyes, weak, doped up on decongestant.  I probably don't have a fever...don't own a thermometer so that's just a guess...but that doesn't east the "crap" factor.

I got home from work today and lay down for a couple of hours.  I'm killing some time to get something to eat and drink and expect to be back in bed shortly.  Where I work is chilly.  It's like a meat locker sometimes.  With all my illness by the time the day was over I was almost shivering.  Not sure if it was chills or just me but regardless....I have finally thawed.

There are some movies I can watch over and over.  When I'm browsing the channels if I see it I'll stop at it 9 times out of 10.  The Bourne movies are like that...I've seen each one at least 15 or 20 times.  The Matrix.  Tonight I watched "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for probably the two dozendith time.  They still make me laugh out loud.

One of the things I like about me is that I can still laugh out loud.  Lots of things make me laugh.  So far tonight I've laughed at the movie, at a commercial on ESPN, and at a couple of other things.  It's good medicine, and I have no problem when it comes to a laugh.  If I ever lose that, something is seriously wrong.  I'm happy to say I'm healthy in that department - it's good medicine.

Now I'm watching "We Bought a Zoo".  They're going to re-open the zoo on 7/7.  That's only a couple of days from now.

One of the things that made it especially fun tonight is that I've set up a little home theater set-up here in my apartment.  It's actually probably a total waste of some good audio equipment as it sounds best when it's relatively loud.  Apartments frown on loud.  The subwoofer shakes the walls given the opportunity, so I'm doing my best to keep it down but it's still cool to be surrounded by all this sound.  But if/when my upstairs neighbor says something to me I'll know I've crossed the line.  So far so good.

I guess that's a life mantra....knowing when you cross the line after you've crossed it.  I suppose I've crossed my fair share of lines over my lifetime and I'd like to say it was due to some level of bravery or character.  Sometimes, though, I don't even know there's a line there.  I don't even see them.

Last night I mentioned something about memorable July 4th's.  In 1997 I had made arrangements to go and see Dr. O for my initial consult with him on July 3.  We were in Phoenix and I was supposed to fly into SF on an early morning flight, but because of fog (in SF??  who woulda thunk?!) the flights were delayed for hours to the point that I wouldn't have the time to go get my X-rays, do my consult, then catch my flight home.  So, we had to reschedule.  My ex- knew about it and wouldn't speak to me.  That night she brought my son to the fireworks herself and I stayed home - it was usually the other way around.  It's not a momentous thing but in the scheme of things sometimes the simplest things have the greatest impact.

A couple of things are going on in the country that I'm following.  One is that ENDA is scheduled for a conference vote next week (story here), and is expected to pass.  It has been a long-twisting road and I assume it will be longer and more twisted.  But it's all progress.

Another is that California passed the nations first state law protecting transgender students (story here).  As far as I'm concerned - that's absolutely huge.  That's something that will affect generations of kids who don't have to be afraid or ashamed as I was.  They won't have to carry the burden of a secret that forces to be something and someone they're not.  I'm not under any illusions that society will change because of one law.  But, it's important that there be recognition of the unique challenges that these kids face.  And, once that is done - it's important to protect them.

One statistic I've read that makes me absolutely sick is that the average age of a homeless gender variant kid on the streets is 13 1/2.  Can you imagine that?  I can't.  That's the reason we struggle to make a better world.  It's all about legacy, and it's a fine line between simply living your life with dignity and allowing yourself to be defined by one aspect of yourself.  Again - I'm not sure where that line is.  At least, for me.  But I've come to accept that I don't really care where the line is.  You can do both.  I sometimes tell people I'm not an "or" person - I'm an "and" person.  I want it all.  Sometimes I even feel like I have it....and sometimes I don't.  That's just life.

Well, that's alot for a person who's got a headache, a stuffy head, and feels like crap to say.  But I venture to say that sometimes being a 4 or a 5 on the discomfort scale can be a good thing.

Going to bed soon, and hope to feel better by Monday.  Until then - no Whining, lots of liquids, and hopefully lots of feeling better.