Wednesday. It's hump day. Not a problem....just another day here.
I've been at work long enough to start stirring the pot. I took a good week to soak up the situation that I've been injected into and now it's time to start talking. As a project manager people look to me to "manage" but in an environment that hasn't had anyone like me before it's going to be interesting. Regardless - I'll tell anyone who asks I've got no problem being the bad cop if there needs to be one.
I got my badge today. I turned in my temporary one and got my picture taken and everything. It actually looks pretty nice. Maybe I'll put a copy of it here soon. In the meantime I did take a picture in my truck on my way to work this morning. It was a good hair day, but I'll have to admit I can't believe I don't have enough hair for a pony tail anymore. The shorter hair thing is still seeping in...
I uploaded the picture to my SnapLog. It turned the picture vertical and stretched it out a bit but I don't have the time or the patience to fix it right now. It's ok on the Contact Sheet....but the picture itself, well click on it and you'll see what I mean.
Most of the other pictures I've taken are "everyday" kinds of things. I still like to dress up for work. I still like to put my makeup on in the morning...none of that has worn off. I didn't wear any for half the summer and generally don't on weekends but I don't feel any pressure to "have" to. The kid-in-a-candystore feeling of it all still hasn't totally gone. I was reminded of it this morning as I was putting on lipstick at a stoplight near work. I looked over into one of the other cars and there was another woman putting on her makeup. I so remember seeing that before transition and my heart just ached....the freedom to be able to do that seemed like such a simple thing...but something that would forever be unfulfilled. Well....sometimes forever isn't really forever....
I want to revisit the drama thing for a minute. I've had a couple of people write to tell me sometimes Drama just happens and Lord, don't I know that. I've had more than my fair share. There were times when I felt like I'd explode from it all. But there are also times when it's just important to close your eyes and focus on simpler things. Things you know, or can control.
As I look at places to live....well, there are just places that reek of "drama" for one reason or another. I can control that to a certain extent. When my ex- wants to pick a fight or get snippy - I can control that. When it comes to dating or some of the other complexities of "relationships" - I control that to a certain extent. Let me be more specific....it FEELS like I can control that to a certain extent. Perception is reality so things are actually fairly drama-free in many regards right now. Because I choose to believe that.
The reality is that I've still got some potentially significant decisions to make over the next couple of weeks. Big, big decisions that - if they come to pass - I'll need to make with as much faith that they're right as I can. But tonight - here in my little hotel room - things are actually pretty simple. My world is pretty small. For now. I realize it won't last.
I can't believe that September is around the corner. How did that happen?? The month is already looking fairly "active" for me. I'm doing a workplace training in a couple of weeks. There's a bunch of music I want to see around here. I still need to get moved to wherever I'm going to move. It's fall....I love fall.
But if there's a theme in my world lately....it's that the little things are really the big things. Like the make-up thing. Or purposefully going for a walk on the beach to watch the sun go down on a beautiful late summer day. Or watching my niece get married. Little things I can do for others, and little things others do (or don't do....just as importantly) to/for me as well. It's easy to just move on in life, I suppose, and forget how wonderful the little things can be when in search of bigger things. But collectively, the value of simple things that provide value and comfort and fulfill deeper needs are just as important as any "huge" thing. They matter.
It surprises me how much they matter to me sometimes. Little, stupid things. But it's one of those things about me I wouldn't change even if I could.
Today is my mom's birthday. She turns 83. In 1999 she turned 70 on this day...it was the first time my brother "met" me. I wasn't even full-time yet. But I had already had FFS and I was living as Donna outside of work so I was getting ready. But mom's birthday that year is the thing I'll remember. It was life changing. (Read my diary entries from that day here....with photos). Talk about SHORT hair!!
Anyways, those things weren't little things. They were huge things. Difficult times, when simple gestures of acceptance met so much. I hope I never forget....
Happy Birthday, mom. And Thank You!