Monday, July 26, 2010

Delusion Confusion. Or, the Peace of Being.

This picture represents how I feel sometimes.  I'm a yellow smiley face in a blue frown face world.  In other words, I just don't "fit" into the neat little world that others seem to take for "real" sometimes.  Not just in some ways.  In LOTS of ways.  That was quite the revelation, and admittedly took some getting used to.

In the earliest days of my transition I was convinced that it was simply about being a boy or a girl and I knew where I belonged in that equation.  Imagine my surprise at learning that all of this is simply about being.  Period.  The most valuable thing that I've earned through this entire process is Freedom - Freedom to be.  Freedom from boxes and closets and decisions that were made for me and about me by others a long time ago.  It's also the scariest part of all of this sometimes.

I can remember when all I wanted to do was fit in and be just like everyone else.  Time, maturity, life experience, and personality (I suppose) have changed most of those early goals.  I have developed a healthy appreciation that I AM unique.  I AM different.  I don't care what others think.  I am not ashamed of who or what I am.  Most importantly,  I appreciate me.

There are those in the blueface world who would call me delusional for believing that I am not irretrievably defined by the physical body in which my spirit dwells.  I, in turn, feel them to be the delusional crowd by blindly believing otherwise or, even worse, to try to force their simplistic understandings of the complexity of the human condition upon me.

The reason that this is such an important concept right now is what's going on in Wharton, TX.  Nikki was living the quiet, "normal" life that so many of us seem to yearn for.  But here she is - fighting to validate her marriage, her gender, her personhood, and her dignity through no fault of her own.  It's all a mirage sometimes and we don't realize it until it suddenly disappears and we're forced to confront the ignorance of it all.

It seemed obvious to me a long time ago that there were two options.  One was to hide in hopes that nobody "discovered".  But hiding is simply trading one closet for another, and I'm done with closets.  The other is simply to live life without worrying or caring about which boxes you fit into and which ones you don't.  I don't do boxes, either.  Boxes and closets are out (unless, of course, they have shoes or clothes in them).

The Serenity Prayer helped serve as a guide for what needed to happen; for what I needed to do.  And, it does to this day.

Know this.  Those of us who are yellow smiley faces are far outnumbered by the blue frownies of the world.  Indeed, we're rarer than you'd think.  It's nice when we find each other along our life pathways, though.  There is kinship in finding others "like" you.  And, make no mistake - you do have a choice here.

On a less deep topic: I saw a trailer for a current movie that looked appealing more because I liked the the people in it (Mark Ruffalo, Julianne Moore, Annette Bening) than anything I knew about the movie before I started checking.  The movie is "The Kids Are All Right" and apparently it generated quite the buzz at Sundance this year.  Reviews looked great (although I tend to take them with a grain of salt).

That is too funny!

Summer blockbusters be damned.  The movie is the 2nd best movie I've seen this summer (Toy Story 3 is #1). It's only showing at one theater in the entire Phoenix area - the "artsy" theater in Scottsdale.  All I can say is if it's showing anywhere around you I strongly urge you to try to make the time to go.  You won't regret it.  And if you do see it please feel free to send an email or leave a comment to let me know what you think.

A few days ago we talked about "When is it to young to address trans issues?"  There was a newspaper article about a 9-year old transgirl in Tucson over the weekend well worth reading (read it here).

In that same vein, here's the link to a new video produced by TransActive (see it here).

As for me - I spent the day job hunting.  I got stir crazy by late afternoon and ended up at the fitness center.  And tonight I'm enjoying a glass of wine before heading off to bed.  It was actually a pretty chill day for me after a fairly busy weekend.  Chill isn't a word we use here in Phoenix during the summer very often.  But sometimes, it just fits.

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Caroline said...

Looks like an interesting film, could almost be French! Shall keep an eye out incase it ever reaches the end of the universe where I live.

Caroline xxx

Barbara said...

Your writing is absolutly beautiful. I admire you so much for it. Maybe you should consider a job as a columnist in a newspaper? I know I would read it.
As for the movie, it received great reviews here in New York and it's on my list of "go tos".