Home to rest.

Sunday – sometime in the morning on an airplane between Chicago and Phoenix.

I’ve been out of the hospital for a week now. It feels good to finally be feeling human-ish again. There are still parts of my chin that are as numb as a rock and I’m thankful to those sitting around me at dinner last night who discretely pointed it needed to be wiped. Although it seems to move like someone who’s lip is full of Novocain after a filling I don’t think it’s actually affecting my speech too much, thankfully. Still, I’m extra careful not to bite either my lip or the insides of my cheek.

Speaking of the insides of the mouth – that’s the part I WISH were still numb. Instill, it just hurts. And the swelling along the bottom toothline has gone down to the part where I can actually feel how yucky it is. I don’t know how long this is gonna take to get back to normal but the sooner the better.

This is all part of distant, long forcibly forgotten, memories. The last time I came to Dr. O for anything significant it involved cutting on the entire face so the inside of the mouth was not the single or the most significant source of discomfort. That came from the packing in the nose or the forehead or the trachea shave. The yuckiness of the mouth was just part of a larger general overall hurt that I masked with Life Savers and other things to blog out the taste. But this time it’s all there is, and it’s significant.

Oh, and there was the time a few months later when I went there for a forehead “revision” when he completely redid the entire forehead. My eyes were swollen shut for two days, I was physically and emotionally devastated (mostly because I was unprepared for the significance of this “revision”), and it took me weeks to heal. That is the experience that led me to believe that this particular “revision” would be more than simply a minor touch up. Dr. O is a perfectionist so not only does he fix up “flaws” that he finds he also applies his most recent techniques to procedures he did long ago. So, here we are.

I appreciate the all the concern about my mental and emotional well-being following my last couple of blog posts. Honestly, I’m doing ok. Once I feel a little better in terms of healing later in the week I’ll need to work through the logistics of closing out what has happened. In the meantime, I’ll need as much rest as I can get.

The event in Norwalk, CT yesterday was wonderful. Thanks to everyone who (a) planned it to make it such a success and (b) took the time on what became a beautiful day to attend. Despite my more fragile-than-normal overall state I was very pleased with how things went. (Here's a blog entry on it, and a newspaper article).

As the article mentions, perhaps a highlight for me was to be able to reconnect with someone I haven’t seen since my senior year of high school. We recently reconnected thru Facebook and the fact that she took time out of her day to spend the afternoon listening to me talk is very very much appreciated. I hope we have more time to catch up at the class reunion in June. In the meantime, I’m sure we’ll be talking on FB.

Me and my swollen jaw, and Kathy - KW class of '77.

One thing to take note of is that more and more “national” transgender conferences that have traditionally been the mainstay of the calendar year are finding it harder and harder to attract decent numbers. In their place, well-planned local or regional events seem to be thriving. And they’re a whole different thing – this event was a one day thing that didn’t have a big fancy dinner or a huge meeting space or other things with big expenses attached. At the same time, there was nothing “rinky-dink” about the day either.

Yesterday’s event included a keynote speaker (yours truly) and several panel discussions dealing with various aspects of the trans experience – workplace, spirituality, youth, etc. This is the third one of these I’ve been two so far this year and I have tremendous respect for the dedicated groups people who get the grant money, handle the logistics, attract very respectable size groups, and just get it done. Mark my word – it is the model for the future of trans events. If you live somewhere and wonder why there isn’t anything in your town or anything near you – I can probably get you in contact with how some of these groups and people made it happen themselves. There’s no reason there shouldn’t be more of these.

Of course, the one mainstay that I do want to see continue is SCC. As I mentioned, I’m helping with fund-raising and filling the conference guide with advertising so if that’s something you can help me with I promise you a phone call in return. I’m confident we can find a way to make it worth your while. A portion of this money goes to the scholarship fund that is used to finance the expenses of bringing people who otherwise wouldn’t be able to attend these conferences. This is critical stuff. I’ll be selling off some of my own personal memorabilia to those who help finance this stuff – the gown I wore at the HRC National Dinner when I introduced Jessica Lang, the dress I wore when I did the Entertainment Tonight piece, my wrestling singlet from the Gay Games, some of my HRC Board Member pins, some other stuff – all because I feel very strongly about it.

In my own short-term future there will be a couple of days of resting up. I’ve slept harder on these two flights than I can remember sleeping on airplanes in a long time. I think it’s indicative of the way I’ve been pushing my body and my psyche over recent weeks and the need to re-generate.

I need to figure out what I want to do next in terms of profession. One things I’ve wanted to do for a long time is find a way to make my photographs my main living. I’ll be investigating how to make that happen long and hard. Stay tuned on that.

I need to re-engineer DonnaRose.com. That’s a priority for me.

I need to get back in shape for continued wrestling. I haven't decided whether to compete in the National World Team Trials in Iowa next month but an considering it. There's an event in San Francisco that I'd like to do over Memorial Day. Part of it all depends on my jaw. And, I'm still hoping to get to Europe for the Gay Games at the end of July. But in the meantime I'm going to have to start working out again, and cut back on the Hagen Daaz Dulce de Lece. :)

News about what happened in Cleveland continues to come out in measured doses which is good. Here's an article from San Diego (read Courage on the Mat here). I wrestle with a team from SD called the San Diego Bulldogs and can't thank my friends there for all their wonderful support. I hope to see you soon. Another worthwhile group is called "Wrestling Without Borders". Here's their most recent email (see it here)

And, I need to work through the logistics of getting back to South Carolina to retrieve my car and a bunch of things that I still have there. What I’m going to do with it all yet is still part of the equation. All I know is that (a) I’m not physically or mentally up for a long cross-country drive right now and (b) it needs to happen. So, we’ll see how that works out.

As for Elizabeth and I – I don’t plan to discuss our “situation” here anymore except for this last brief explanation of why I was (and remain) so hurt and angry. People need to understand that my writing serves a number if important purposes in my world. One of those purposes is as a critical outlet for my emotion. I’m a passionate, emotional person - I have no reason to apologize for that - and I’ve got very few outlets that are as therapeutic as my writing. I highly recommend it for anyone and everyone.

I made it a point in my book not to "blame" my ex-wife about a number of things despite the fact I could have said so much more because that was not my agenda. She did not have a forum to defend herself . And in that same context I made a special effort to avoid "blame" in what I wrote a couple of days ago. My anger comes from a perhaps selfish expectation of caring for special friends through some very profound things over a number of years, making significant sacrifices, and expecting the same in return. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's not the way things work. But, in my way of looking at the balance of life, and of relationships specifically, these are tests to prove what we say we believe or that words are simply words. I love her. I've proved it time and again. And that is that.

The person I’m thinking most about today, however, is my mom. It’s Mother’s Day and I can’t put into words how much I love and appreciate her. Getting to Texas to visit her in the near future is another significant logistical arrangement that needs to be made. I’ll close today’s entry by simply saying – Mom, I love you. Thank you for everything.