Simplify

It's a theme I've sung before. Simplify.

And, as many times as that seemingly simple one-word answer comes back loud and clear and I actually DO it, time passes and things get complicated again. I'm not quite sure how that happens. It just does. It's feels like an oxymoron to recognize that making things simple can be complicated but it's true.

I've already started taking steps to try to make that a reality in my world. Again.

But before too much more of that happens - I need at least a few days of rest. These last few weeks have been extremely difficult on this old body, heart, spirit, and mind. Unplugging for a while is key and I am doing just that.

As an "adult" with an admittedly introspective mind I can't help but look over events of the past couple of the weeks to see if there's something that couldn't have been done to somehow have changed it. Simple, stupid, petty things escalated to a point of no return. Bubbling emotion that had been there for some time came gushing to the surface And I doubt anyone - myself included - anticipated the depth of the emotional eruption that it caused in me as I lay in that hospital bed. Those emotions of disappointment, anger, frustration, betrayal - you name them - continue to bubble and I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling them. But the day I apologize for being passionate about the things that are important in my life is the day I apologize for being me. It's part of the package.

It'd be easy to rationalize that my very public emotional outburst was spurred by the physical pain of the surgery, or the meds, or any number of other specific causes. Some of that may actually be true. But the plain fact is that there was no one cause I've stopped looking for "why" as it was more complicated than any one thing. All I can and will say is that there are people in my life that I've loved and that I continue to love. But, contrary to idealistic notions to the contrary sometimes (a) love takes work and (b) love isn't enough. If I hadn't had cared as much as I did I wouldn't have been as hurt and angry as I was. I've learned a lot about myself in the last week - some of which I've liked and some of which I haven't.

I'm home now - back in Arizona - safe and sound. The time is here to look forwards and not backwards. Physically I'm ok. The sutures in my mouth seem to have all dissolved although the terrain of that area still feels pretty yucky. I'm eating "regular" food again, for the most part, which is a good sign. A good portion of my jaw feels like that in-between stage where you have an injection of novacaine from the dentist and it's just beginning to get its feeling back. It'll take a while for it to "feel" normal again and I expected that so no worries.

Mentally - I think I'm ok too. I can't thank the friends who have done things in the past couple of weeks to help me out when I really needed it. It's one thing to count on friends and hope they'll be there (but who aren't) in your times of need and another to find that there are people who step up at just the right time. In one of those typical paradoxes of life I've learned quite a bit about disappointment but at the same time quite a bit about inherent goodness of friends as well. Neither will be forgotten.

I'll unpack this morning, head to church today, spend some time this afternoon helping a friend, and perhaps go to a movie this evening. I've been wanting to see "How To Train Your Dragon" in 3D for a while now and need to see it before it's gone from the theaters - replaced by movies like Robin Hood and Iron Man 2 that I have absolutely no wish to see.

Words are words, and unless they're backed up by deeds sometimes all they are is an attempt to rationalize things we want to believe - but our actions or inactions prove them to be simply so much noise. I have proven to myself time and again that I am more than simply empty words. Others have proven that to me recently, as well, on both sides. And, even when words CAN make the difference the key is choosing to say them or not. That decision is what sends a message far more than the words themselves do.

The time to appreciate the things in our lives is not when it's too late and they're gone. The time to take action to show the special people in our lives that they ARE special is an ongoing one. Just like the ongoing learning and re-learning about the need to simplify is one of those life lessons that's too important to forget. So, when I'm feeling better later in the week I'm going to see my mom and my son. My commitment to my family and my need to be around them is more than words. It will just be.

As with many previous posts I'll end this one with a song that has meant a lot to me - not just recently but for many years. The Sun can be any number of symbolic things, but in my way of thinking the sun represents a healthiness that is the source of life. I like this particular version because it's a particularly happy version:

Onwards.