I was in my hotel room last night, flipping through channels. As I mentioned I've made it a point to avoid the National Conventions because if feels like either selling me something I already want, or something I don't, and I'm not in the political rah-rah mood at the moment. I know who would best serve my needs and who best reflects how I feel about things.
I ended up on the National Geographic Channel. There was a show following the Trauma Unit at a Hospital in Chicago on a Friday night. Oh. My. God.
I have no idea how those people do what they do. God bless 'em. But the sight of some of that stuff made me woozy. I can't imagine actually being there and seeing it while it's happening, or having to deal with it in a personal kind of way. For some reason I stayed on that channel until the show ended. I was horrified. but I watched. Man oh man.
One friend who knows me and reads what I share her recently wrote to me to tell me that I seem sad (you know who you are!). She's very intuitive.
Well, first off, I'm not sure what words and/or phrases convey this message. And I don't know if "sad" is the right word - melancholy, blue, other words with similar meaning but having various subtle differences in connotation would also work - but I'm not worried about the semantics.
Truth be told, it's probably true. There are parts of my life right now that do make me sad, or at least have me less than happy.
Before getting too far into this, I want to say that I'm not under some pervasive cloud of sadness, because that's not accurate. I'm not depressed, either, at least not that I know of. But the overwhelming change I've been dealing with recently mixed with the isolation of being alone in a strange place, in a hotel room, has been a significant burden on my psyche. I've done this before, and I'm self-sufficient enough to do what needs be done, but I don't like it. It's lonely, and it's hard, and it's....well....sad.
I've written about this in the past but I'll share it again because it's important. One of the people who writes in a way that I can absolutely identify with is Dr Anne Vitale. I've read her stuff since the earliest days of my transition and she seems to get it right every time. Her most recent essay, published in April, is a reflection on post-op life (read it here). It resonates.
I'm at a stage of life where I had expected to be more settled than I am. I think that's part of it. And I'm about to get even more unsettled before I allow myself to GET settled. It just becomes a drain after a while.
I'm certainly not going to have a pity party for myself. I've actually got things pretty good. Job is fine. Health is good. Overall mood is good. No major distractions. There are some relatively minor irritations, but that's just part of life. Overall, something is missing, and that's the crux of it.
For some the missing piece is a fulfilling intimate partner. That's not my most pressing need. I find that the person who could be the other half of my coin would be a fairly rare thing. Actively looking for someone to fill that role feels like it would be an energy sucking, confidence sapping, undertaking that would REALLY be depressing. I won't let myself go there. At least not now, while other things need attention.
I'm changing. I suppose everyone is always changing, but this is a time of molting for me. I'm moving past some parts of my life that have been there for a long time but need changing, I'm facing some of the things I've put on the back burner as finally needing to be settled, and in general there's lots going on. I'm re-evaluating relationships, I'm re-evaluating priorities, I'm got lots of time on my hands to think, and that's not always a good thing.
As I type this I've got basic creature comforts I could want. I've got a good job, making a very good salary, at a billion dollar tech company known as being the leader in its field. I've got very few distractions and if I did the logical thing I'd set my anchor here and start moving forward.
But that's not what I'm doing...at least not yet. I'm unsettled. I've got other needs that need attention so I'm taking care of bidness. So, the more I think about it...I'm a little sad, I'm a little unfulfilled, and I'm a lot unsettled right now.
I'm not alone in this. I suspect that lots and lots of us can relate. These are universal human experiences. And, as my dad used to say....this too shall pass.
The song that immediately comes to mind...
So - if you see me. Gimme a hug. The universal cure for whatever ails you is a good hug. And really - that's all I'd need right now. :)